Consultation 103.

“God, you aren’t woke enough for me and as such your continued existence in hell is a major inconvenience to me. Why are you not more woke?”

I was wrong. I was so wrong. I jumped the gun in my assessment of hell and I was far too naive. This was truly hell after all. Clients in the hell division were all fucking woke assholes!

“Ehem. So… let me get this straight… You booked a consultation with me just because you wanted to bitch about how I’m not woke enough for you?”

“Yes. I’ve booked this consultation to make God more woke.”

Please go fuck yourself.

“Oh, is that so?” Despite my true desire to tell her to go fuck herself to death with a horse cock, I forced a stiff smile to try and maintain the appearance of a benevolent God. With these types, the more you went against their idiotic woke beliefs, the more riled up they became. It was best to let them run their mouth, ignore them, and not give them the time of day or satisfaction by reacting to their idiotic woke gospel. At the end of the day, they were narcissistic pricks at their core who just wanted to get some sort of reaction out of you. 

They didn’t actually care about their bullshit woke ideology, they just wanted to feel like they were superior to you because of how insecure they felt about their pathetic little existence. That was why they patched onto it. They wanted to feel like they were special when in reality they were just another mindless monkey dancing in the palms of wealthier monkeys who had slightly bigger brains.

Wait, now that I think about it, isn’t this person someone from the world I taught one of my clients that nonsensical critical race theory?

Wait just a damn minute… did I inadvertently turn the hell division into this woke cesspool? Am I suddenly facing divine retribution for my actions? I’m forced to provide counseling for these sorts of people now?

God damn it! Ah. Sorry, what I meant to say was, ‘Me damn it!’ Actually, is that even correct? I guess it’s more appropriate to say ‘Damn me to hell!’

Ah.

… I’m in hell right now, aren’t I?

Haaaaaah. The irony is too much for me to cope with.

“Blah blah blah blah blah blah. God, are you even listening to me?”

While I’d been cursing and damning myself to hell internally, she’d been blabbing about some garbage I naturally hadn’t paid attention to. When she finally noticed that, she called me out on it.

“Don’t worry. I’m listening. I’m listening. I swear.”

“Blah blah blah woke blah woke woke woke blah blah…”

The strange thing was, that was what I was genuinely hearing right now.

“God, if you’re really listening to me, what did I say just now?”

“Uh… that is…” Is this supposed to be some sort of trick question?

“You weren’t listening to me?” Her expression warped into Satan’s asshole, an expression so terrifying it was enough to even scare me as a God.

“Of course I heard what you said. You said… ‘blah blah blah woke blah woke woke woke blah blah…’ Right?”

“Are you making fun of me, God?”

“But that’s really what you said.”

“I didn’t say that! I said, ‘Blah blah blah woke blah woke woke woke blah blah…’”

“Huh? Wait, but isn’t that exactly what I said you said?”

“No, it’s NOOOOOT!!!! Do you not see the difference in what I said? Are you that ignorant as a God? How can you not see the difference, are you a bigot or something? You should know everything as God!”

“No, seriously, what I repeated is exactly what you said.”

“EXCUSE ME! There is a capital B in the first Blah, you racist God! Blah with a capital B is my preferred gender pronoun!!!!!! How dare you get it wrong! Using a lower case b makes you a racist! God is racist! Racist! Racist! Racist!” She kept mindlessly screeching racist like it was supposed to do something.

Veins bulged from my forehead as I did my utmost to not blow a fuse. I was ready to punch her in the face to give her a taste of some good old gender equality, but I miraculously held myself back. I was a professional after all. Punching a client in the face was going too far even for me.

“Racist! Racist! Racist! …” Like a broken record on repeat, she was still screeching at me and calling me a racist.

“Can you please shut the fuck up for a minute, wipe that Satan’s asshole-looking expression off your face, and stop saying racist? You’re wasting my precious time and killing too many of my brain cells, you mentally disabled lower-dimensional cum gargling baboon.”

“What! What did you just call me!”

“Ah.” My true thoughts slipped out.

“Look, enough of the tralala nonsense. Your question was why am I not more woke? Well, that is naturally because the entire woke agenda is bullshit that I, myself, handed down to some crazy bitch who wanted a method to control dumbasses like you to destroy your own country or some garbage plot like that. I can’t be bothered to remember every little minor detail.”

“What! You dare claim you are the founding PERSON of wokeness when you aren’t woke in the slightest?”

“Mistakes were made. Sadly, your entire ideology and existence was a mistake. You scream about others being racist when you’re actually the most racist. It’s ironic, but you’ve got your head shoved so far up your ass that you can’t see that.”

“You’re calling me racist? Me the embodiment of the woke ideology that fights against racism? Nice try God, but I’m woke as hell, it’s impossible for me to be racist because of the fact that I am woke as hell. The only racist here is you, God.” Typical circular reasoning, there was truly no getting through to this type.

“Tch.” Arguing with people who had orgasms over how woke they were was futile. Even when God himself told them they were wrong, they were too busy giving their own wokeness a blowjob with their brain to listen to a single word.

They say you can’t counsel crazy, well I say you can’t counsel wokeness. I can deal with crazy bitches all day, but one woke bitch is all it takes to ruin my day.

“Hey, here’s some advice on how to make me more woke so my existence no longer bothers you.”

“Oh, it’s about time God opens his eyes to the path of enwokenment.”

I nearly died when I heard the term she pulled out of her ass.

“En-Enowokenment, you say?”

“Yes, since God has lost his way, I will be the one enwoken him. Ugh!”

Ah. I’ve really gone and done it now…

Across the room was my client. She was on her back, floored. In my line of sight was my fist. Truly, the Goddess of Shitty Orientation Training wasn’t kidding when she said it was a place with clients whom even the most benevolent Gods could not forgive. When she wanted to try reversing our roles by enwokening me rather than me enlightening her, I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped.

I instantly broke out into a cold sweat thinking about how screwed I was.

I’m going to hell for this, aren’t I?

Ah...

I’m already in hell.