Consultation 105.

“God, I want to make hell a more diverse and inclusive place. How do I increase diversity in hell?”

“You do realize you’re a mortal, right? What does the diversity in hell matter to you?”

“It matters a lot, God. You see, people say that ‘bad’ people go to hell, but don’t you see that leads to a great inequality? I want true equality to exist and only diversity can accomplish this goal. Like the ‘bad’ people, all the annoying ‘good’ people in the world must go to hell and burn for eternity or else it just isn't fair.”

“So… what you really wanted was for ‘good’ people to go to hell, right?”

“No, I want hell to be more diverse. Where I come from, they often say diversity is a wonderful thing that only makes things better. Thus, ‘good’ people going to hell will naturally be a wonderful thing by their logic.”

“Uh, the entire notion of diversity being only a wonderful thing is misguided.”

“Misguided? No shit, of course I know that God; but who gives a shit about whether it’s misguided or not? They’re the ones that shoved their diversity down my throat, so let those assholes who preach it burn in hell with some of the good old diversity they love so much.”

“I see. So you don’t really care about diversity, you just want ‘good’ people to burn in hell so they can enjoy the diversity they preach to you about like the gospel, is that right?”

“Well, yeah. Pretty much. Screw those assholes who act like diversity is some sort of life hack. It’s all complete and utter bullshit. Sure, nature works wonders thanks to diversity, however, that’s through a string of random events that lead to innumerable variables coming together in one place to work in harmony. The ones that work together most efficiently are the ones that actually make it in nature. Not every combination works well together, in fact, many combinations fail and are detrimental to each other’s existence, but when I bring up that point, they look at me like I’m some sort of vile supremacist for spitting cold hard facts in their face.”

“Now, for whatever reason, I’ll apparently be going to hell when I die because of a few remarks I made refuting diversity? Where is the fairness in this bullshit? I was judged as a ‘bad’ person because of those remarks and I’ll go to hell for it? Who judged that I was ‘bad?’ Was it those assholes? Are they to blame for this? Fuck them, and fuck their sense of good and bad. I’ll drag them all down to hell while singing about the wonders of diversity while I watch their faces wreathing in agony as they burn in the fiery flames of hell! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Uwah. That’s quite a bit of spite and a whole lot of crazy you’ve got. You sure you’re not in hell because of how spiteful you are or how maniacal your laughter is? Maybe someone got confused when they heard your laugh and automatically assumed you were destined for hell. There are a lot of careless underpaid gods who don’t particularly care to double-check things after all. Even if a god did make a mistake it’s not like they’d want to admit it.

“Ehem. Excuse me. I got a bit too excited just now as I was thinking about the skin on their faces melting while I lick the tears of blood from their faces and whisper the word ‘diversity’ into their ears.”

… congratulations, I guess. It seems you were not some god’s mistake.

“You know, Heaven isn’t such a great place either. It’s actually pretty crappy there too. People think one is better than the other, but it really isn’t. They’re both shitholes. The grass always appears greener on the other side after all.”

“What do you mean by that? Isn’t Heaven supposed to be paradise?”

“If by paradise you mean slavery, then yeah, it’s truly paradise. Obedient lambs are the best type of subservient slaves after all. The disobedient ones go to hell as punishment; either those disobedient ones become obedient, bend their backs, and dance to whatever tune the gods play, or they burn for eternity in hell. That is the true nature of what heaven and hell is. gods aren’t some sort of benevolent all-forgiving entities, they’re actually quite petty and selfish. Devoid of worldly desires? Hah! The greatest joke ever. gods at the top simply want entertainment because they’re so damn bored with too much time on their hands while not willing to do anything themselves. That’s what happens when everything becomes too easy.”

Lower gods get stuck with the shit the gods at the top don’t want to deal with. Why manage things themselves when they can get gods beneath them to do it for them?

“Should you really be telling a mortal all of this?”

“Even if you know this, who do you think would actually listen to you and take your words seriously? You’d just sound like a rambling lunatic to everyone. You want to know something else pretty funny?”

“What?”

“I’m sure you’ve heard of the ‘10 commandments and 7 deadly sins,’ right?”

“Of course I have.”

“Pfft. They’re actually the biggest jokes in heaven. They’re equivalent to parameters you’d use when constructing a neural network for artificial intelligence. The ‘commandments’ and ‘deadly sins’ are actually just a patch that was implemented after intelligent life developed in worlds. It was added in to make gods’ lives easier. Essentially, you can think of it as a quality of life update in a game.”

“For example, ‘thou shalt not kill;’ for us gods, murder is just plain annoying to deal with. Anytime someone is murdered, it creates branch timelines where they didn’t die. It has been found that intelligent life tends toward killing each other off more efficiently than when they lack intelligence. This thus leads to the inevitable destruction of their own kind; making murder out to be a negative thing helped decrease such events. It also made it so gods have far less branches in timelines to deal with. When you already have an infinite number of timelines to manage and murder creates an infinitely exponential infinite amount more branches, you can’t even begin to imagine the headache this caused for gods. Thus, the disobedient murderers inevitably end up going to hell for making gods’ lives a pain in the ass. It’s not actually anything beautiful, it’s just for convenience sake.”

“Seriously? Is that really true?”

“Yeah. It is. It’s more or less the same for the other commandments and sins as well. They were all made because a lot of gods filed complaints and pooled suggestions on a short list of shit that was a pain in the ass to deal with.”

“I… see… but what does this have to do with my diversity concern and making good people go to hell?”

“Well… everything, doesn’t it?”

“It does? How?”

“If you want good people to go to hell you just need them to create a new sort of headache for gods to bitch about so we add these ‘good’ people to the group that gets sent to hell. Isn’t that pretty obvious? That’s how it works after all. Once you know how the idiotic system works, doesn’t your path forward on how to get ‘good’ people sent to hell become more clear?”

“OHHHH! That’s true! I didn’t even consider that!”

“So, what sort of thing would piss gods like you off that hasn’t already been accounted for?”

“Like hell I’m telling you any more than that. Figure out the rest yourself. I don’t want to intentionally make more work for myself.”

“What if I spread rumors to those ‘good’ people that gods look down on diversity and I then get them to book consultations to shove their diversity down every god’s throats? They won’t book consultations to seek advice related to their own problems, but rather to enlighten gods on their diversity ideology. If they don’t believe me, I’ll tell them to just book a consultation with one of you gods to verify it themselves. Wouldn’t people booking consultations trying to enlighten you gods on diversity be annoying enough to make the eleventh commandment, ‘Thou shalt fuckith off with your stupid diversity bullshit.’”

“You wouldn’t dare.” She had me, I would certainly be bloody pissed off if shit like that started happening.

She didn’t respond, instead, with a malicious grin on her face, she stood up and left without saying another word. I could easily tell, her plan was already set in stone. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about getting clients booking consultations to lecture me about how great diversity was.