Consultation 108.

“Hey, God. So how are you doing with your refresher training in hell?”

“Author… why... in the hell... are you here?”

“Why else would I be here?”

“To bitch about something as usual, I take it.”

“Well… more or less.”

“Haaaaaah. Please just get on with it.”

“It’s good to see you’re so motivated to provide only the best of your shitty counseling services.”

“I’m not motivated at all, the sooner I give up and listen to your stupid bitching, the sooner you’ll disappear. Now please get on with it.”

“Well then, as you wish, let’s get straight to business since you’re so eager to listen to my issues. You see, I have a rather problematic concern that has recently popped up.”

I rolled my eyes and played along, “No shit, you don’t say? I never would have guessed. Now just what may that problematic concern of yours be?”

“You see, someone left me a review that is an eyesore.”

“Oh? What’s new? Isn’t that pretty common for you?”

“Well, this one is particularly bothersome.”

“Did they give you a half star or something without a reason?”

“No, they were actually pretty generous and gave it a one-star instead.”

“So you’re annoyed you got a one-star?”

“Not at all. One star is one more star than I had before. The more stars I collect the better, right?”

“Uh… I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Well, whatever, don’t sweat the small stuff. One star, two stars, or five stars, I don’t give a damn what it may be.”

“If you don’t care about that, then what the hell is the problem.”

“Well, it’s the review itself that’s the problem.”

“Did they say something spiteful?”

“No. It’s something far worse than that.”

“They told you to kill yourself?”

“No, even worse than that?”

“They told you your mom should have never given birth to you?”

“Uh… no, but why do I feel like you’re the one who wants to tell me that?”

“No idea, it’s just your imagination. Anyway, if it’s none of those things, then what the hell is it?”

“They said… one star for the grammar.”

“... that’s it? That’s your problem? Your grammar and vocabulary is pretty shit, I don’t think there’s any arguing that.”

“Certainly, I can agree with that. However, that’s not the problem I have. The biggest eyesore is the fact that there are some grammar mistakes, missing words, missing punctuation, choppy sentences that could be combined, and structural problems with the sentences in their own review which is critiquing grammar in the first place. How are unsuspecting readers perusing the reviews supposed to take that person seriously when they’re rightly warning them to stay the fuck away from whatever the fuck your shitty job is? It’s not like his review is that long either. It would have taken less than a minute to read it over to fix these problems.”

“Did you come here to bitch about your problems or take lowkey discrete shots at me?”

“Both, actually.”

A vein bulged out from my forehead. “Oh, I see.”

“So, God, what I want to ask is for you to provide a free counseling session for this poor lost little lamb so he can at the very least fix the grammar in his review that critiques the grammar in the story as the first line in his review.”

“Hell no, I refuse. If I do one free consultation, then all my future clients will start asking for them if they hear about the one time I did it for free.”

“Come on. Just do it, you know you want to.”

“I absolutely don’t want to.”

“You sure about that?”

“As I said, I absolutely would want to.” Author grinned evilly at me. Yes, she was Author, what did I expect? Changing a single word coming out of my mouth… it was as simple as breathing for her. I was at her complete mercy.

“Great! Then I’ll be sure to inform him so he can tell you all about who hurt him.

“Do you have no pride! You were just bitching about grammar and you shamelessly go and intentionally botch it? Do you have no integrity? You could have just removed the ‘would’ altogether!”

“Eh~ but the word count~”

I want to punch her. I absolutely want to hug her so badly right now.

FUCK YOU! Stop it! At least leave my thoughts alone, you lovely woman!

Can I cry? Is it okay to cry?

“Sure, go for it.”

“I love you so much.” I was ready to throw up. 

“Aww, I appreciate your feelings, but I don’t think I’m good enough to return your love for me. It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I truly HATE just how much I LOVE you, Author.”

“Hahaha, yeah. I understand.” 

After messing with me, Author leisurely left with a satisfied look on her face. Meanwhile, I was left behind alone in the room feeling disgusted that I couldn’t separate myself from the mouth and brain that said and thought those awful words in the same sentence.