Consultation 111.

“God, what is common sense?”

“Hah? Common… sense?” My mouth hung open slightly ajar as my eyes scanned her from bottom to top in disbelief.

“Yes. Common sense. People keep telling me I don’t have something that they call ‘common sense.’ I was just wondering where I can go to get some. Is it something I can buy? Or is it something to eat? I just don’t get what is this mysterious and elusive thing they call common sense is.”

I looked into her scary unblinking eyes before my eyes slowly wandered back down to her neck. Around her neck was a necklace. Yes, it was just a simple ornamented necklace. At least, I’d like to say that, but it was a necklace with chopped-off penises, fresh blood dripping from the shafts. Why she was asking this question made all too much sense.

“Well… do you often go around in public with that… necklace?”

“Yes. I do, Is there a problem with it?”

“Uh, no… never mind.”

“Do you wear stuff like that a lot?”

“Yes, I do. A woman needs to make herself look pretty after all, isn’t that obvious?”

Was that supposed to be common sense?

“Do you see other people wearing necklaces like yours in your world?”

“Yeah, lots of people wear necklaces.”

“But do theirs stand out as much as yours?”

“Of course not. I aim to be the flashiest, the one who catches the eyes of everything the second I walk into the room. If I’m not the center of attention then there’s something just wrong. The world revolves around me after all.”

“I see… do your friends ever say anything about your necklace?”

“Yeah, they say it looks really good on me.” By any chance would that be with terrified expressions on their faces?

“I see…” but she has friends? That’s probably the most surprising thing.

“They always shriek girlishly the exact same way they do when they see an idol after they see my necklace.”

You mean they shriek in horror. right?

“Right…”

“So, God, can you please explain to me what this so-called ‘common sense’ people keep telling me I don’t have is and how I can get my hands on some of it?”

“Don’t you think those people are just mistaken? I think you already have a good amount of common sense.” I don’t wanna deal with it. Isn’t it fine as long as I just convince her she’s got plenty of it? At the very least, she’s probably got more than some of my other clients… even if that’s a pretty low bar.

“Are you saying common sense isn’t something I can eat?”

“Uh, no. It’s something already inside you.”

“Something I already have and I already have a good amount of inside me… you mean semen? If that’s the case, then I certainly do have a lot of common sense already. What are those idiots even talking about claiming I have none?”

Eh? Semen? “No… not se… actually... yeah… common sense is semen. Haha....” Truly, to think such enlightening words would come out of a mortal’s mouth.

There was something I wanted to ask. I shouldn’t ask, I knew I shouldn’t, it was better to not know. Ignorance was bliss. I didn’t want to take a look and see either, but in the end, I still caved and asked, “About your necklace, where did you get it exactly?”

“Where did I get it? I made it by hand of course.”

Don’t act like it’s something obvious!

“You made it by hand… then…”

“Yes, they’re all-natural materials.

All-natural your mother!

“Heeeeeh. That’s quite impressive.” I squinted and looked at the wall to the side.

“You seem to be eyeing my necklace a lot. Could it be that God has taken a liking to my necklace?”

“No, that’s not it.” Absolutely fucking not. Please keep that censored abomination away from me.

“There’s no need to be shy. Why don’t you take a closer look?” She stood up and leaned over the desk.

I rolled back in my chair to narrowly avoid getting some cock in my face. Correction, some severed cock dripping with blood in my face.

“What’s wrong, God?”

“I saw a Mouse God under the desk just now and it startled me.”

“Oh.”

I let out a dry laugh, “Haha, those Mouse Gods are such a bother.”

“Certainly.”

“God, if you’d like I can let you have this necklace  I can just make a new one for myself.”

“That’s fine. I wouldn’t want to take something like that from you.”

“Something like that? What do you mean?”

“Eh… uh, something I’m sure has a lot of... sentimental value to you. I’m sure it requires quite a bit of effort to make it.”

“God, it really doesn’t mean much at all. If that’s what you’re worried about, it’s really no problem. These necklaces are actually quite easy to make as well. All I need to do is find some lonely idiots and offer to let them finish down my throat. When they have that look of pure ecstasy mid-climax I bite it off and watch their faces contort into one of pure agony and despair. That instant where they’re at an all-time high and suddenly sink to rock bottom when they realize they’ve lost it is the best. It’s like a drug I can’t get enough of, God. When I pull out my necklace and add theirs to it, you just can’t imagine how wonderful their expressions are.”

Her vivid description of the crafting process formed a clear picture in my head and I broke out into cold sweat.

“What’s wrong, God? Are you okay? Oh, I know. Could it be you’d like to personally experience-”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Oh! Sorry, I misunderstood. I’m so silly, of course that was wrong. You actually wanted to watch the crafting process for my necklace, right?” An impish smile formed her face as she seductively licked her lips.

“No, I really don’t! I’m good.” Not even if hell froze over would I want to watch.

“Awww, what a shame. If you change your mind please don’t hesitate to let me know. And… if you ever want to personally-”

“I am good! No thank you!”

“God is weird. Usually, guys jump on my offer.”

“If you told them you’d bite it off when they climax I’m sure they’d be more hesitant to take you up on your offer.”

“Really? Because some guys actually make posts online requesting for this to be done to them. Of course, I don’t go after those guys since it’s what they actually want which makes it not as pleasurable for me. I tried it once and the pained face I wanted was actually one of pure bliss. It was a rather unpleasant experience and I finally understood what someone not being your type was thanks to him.”

Eh? For real? There are guys that pathetic in her world? What the fuck?

“Well anyway, God, I suppose I should take my leave since you’ve explained what common sense is to me. Thank you for your guidance.”

Like hell I have. 

“Right… no problem.”

She took her leave while my thoughts were left in turmoil.

It actually felt like I’d forgotten what common sense was myself after talking to her. I always thought it was common sense that all guys would prefer to not have their dick bitten off during sex. The fact that someone could show a blissful face when having it bitten off… I just couldn’t comprehend how that was even possible for a mortal. 

Just where in the hell did Gods go wrong with these perverted monkeys? For fuck sakes, even if you were a masochist, it was evolutionarily programmed into you for it to hurt. Are you mortal dumbasses too retarded to comprehend what losing it is supposed to mean for you?

Haaaaaaah… Forget it. I shouldn’t try to comprehend these irrational lower-dimensional monkeys who want to seek pleasure in having their dicks ruthlessly bitten off.