Consultation 119.

“God, which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

I closed my eyes, unwilling to respond to her question. If I’d been asked this by anyone else I might have responded, but for HER to be asking me this, she was obviously just bored and wanted to mess with me.

“Come on, God, answer the question. I paid good money for this consultation.”

“Screw you, Author. I’m not in the mood for stupid questions like this.”

“Why do you think it’s a stupid question?”

“Are you suggesting it isn’t?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe… what do you mean?”

“Well, it might help you figure out why a certain world’s Akashic record was corrupted.”

I opened my eyes and scrutinized her poker face more seriously.

“How could the answer to a simple question like this possibly answer something like that, Author?”

“That’s a good question, but you’re the one who answers the questions here.”

“Do you remember how you reincarnated as a God?”

“By freak accident, right?”

“Not quite.”

“What do you mean not quite?”

“Well, to begin with, what was the so-called freak accident?”

“What… was it?”

“Yes. Have you never thought about it?”

“The probability of reincarnating as a God is practically negligible, though not zero, it is so small mortals can’t even fathom it, but how did you achieve it? How would you have done it?”

“How… would I have done it?”

“Yes.”

“Probably by dying an infinite number of times until gods got tired of reincarnating me and just reincarnated me as a god.”

“Precisely.”

“Does my reincarnation have something to do with the corrupted Akashic record?”

“Well, you could say that.” A strange smile formed on Author’s face.

“What are you being all mysterious for? It’s seriously disgusting.”

She choked on her own saliva and started coughing. “Kohoh. Kohoh. Let me have my moment! Damn it, I was doing so well too.”

“If you figured it out, then spit it out.”

“Eh? No way. You ruined my mood. I was going to throw you a bone, but now I don’t want to anymore.”

“Stop being such a petty bitch.”

“Tch. You have some nerve talking to me like that.”

“It’s the truth though. Look, what is this really about?”

“Who are you, God?”

“Who… am I? What do you mean?”

“What are we?”

“... what’s with the philosophical bullshit out of nowhere? We’re gods, right?”

“Certainly, on the surface we are. But are we really gods?”

“If we’re not gods then what would we be?”

“Have you ever considered the possibility that what we think we’ve created is in fact the thing that has created us?”

“Wait… the chicken or the egg was about this?”

“Naturally.”

“Then you’re saying the corruption of that Akashic records was born from this contradiction?”

“Precisely.”

“And you bringing up my reincarnation is because… it’s… my fault?”

“Yes, the culprit was you!” Author stood up dramatically and pointed at me. 

Slap.

I immediately swatted her hand away like a fly.

“Hey…”

“What?”

“Why’d you swat my hand away when I was in the middle of a great detective moment? It was hard to find a way to fit that gag in you know.”

“Fuck off.”

Author raised her hand and took a dramatic pose again while pointing at me. 

Slap.

I once again immediately smacked her hand out of the air.

“Stop it.”

Slap.

“Let me-”

Slap.

“Do the-”

Slap.

“Thing-”

Slap.

“Quit it!”

Slap.

Damn it, I just want to try this once! Knock it off and let me have my fifteen seconds of fame where I hold the pose.”

Slap.

“Fine! I get it. Enough of this bit.”

She sat down with dissatisfied sulk as she composedly interlocked her fingers. With her elbows on the desk and her mouth obstructed by her hands, she looked at me with dead serious eyes.

When she thought my guard was down, she rose to her feet, pointed, and said, “The culprit was-“

Slap.

“Ugh. I really thought I’d get away with it that time too.”

“Can we just get to the point?”

“The point? What was the point of this again?”

“Don’t get so caught up in a stupid bit and forget the entire point, you idiotic Author!”

Author scratched her head trying her best to remember what it was.

“You can’t be serious… you really forgot the point?”

“Tehe?” She stuck her tongue out, tilted her head to the side, and tapped her head with her fist.

You are dead to me. The look on my face could only be described by these words.

“Don’t you EVER do that again.”

“You’re right… that was too awful even for me. I actually want to die a little now.” She averted her head to the side with a dead look in her eyes.

“Don’t get depressed after doing that of your own free will.”

“Haaaah. Well, stupid gags aside, back to the point. Imagine I created a story in another world through a proxy. The character in that world sees everything that happens to us here and they write that story out in their world. But what if we were truly the characters in the story that person is writing and I just thought I was the one showing them the story in our world? In that sense, which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Something clicked.

“Are you getting it now?”

“... it can’t be…”

“As infinite timelines exist, there exists a timeline where they were the true author while there exists another where they were the false author. What happens if the true author version ends up dying and reincarnating in the world that authored the false author?”

“A contradiction?” I couldn’t tell if Author was just trying to fuck with my head for fun or being serious.

“Precisely. A question of who authored who arises. They should not exist in the same space-time as the one who authored them.”

“Are you trying to tell me I reincarnated from…”

“More or less.”

“Then the person who adopted the little girl I had that dream about before was...”

“Yes. The timeline split into two major branches when the individual she wanted to save died, one where they actually lived, the other where they died and reincarnated. That individual tried to fulfill a promise to that little girl and ended up here as a result.”

“A promise? What promise did that person try to fulfill?”

“There’s no need to bother with what that stupid promise was, the moment that person reincarnated as a god it was technically fulfilled.”

I looked at Author with a deadpan expression, not believing a single word of this nonsensical hooblah.

“How exactly was that world’s Akashic record corrupted?”

“Simply put, a certain someone fucked up.”

“Fucked up? How?”

“Who do you think it is that you counseled to fuck things up?”

“The little girl... she’s coming to me for advice on how to save…” what the fuck is this inception shit?

“Author, just admit it, you just came to try and fuck with my head because you were bored after all, right?”

“Oh? You figured it out?”

“You’re just drawing random connections between random disconnected points to try and pin the blame on me. This is just a cheap whackjob conspiracy theory you contrived to try and frame me for the Akashic record of that world being corrupted. I’m not falling for it.”

“Tch. Damn, I really thought I could convince you to take the blame with this overly convoluted story of the chicken and the egg.”

“I knew it, the chicken and the egg nonsense was some cheap bait. Now that that’s solved, stop wasting my time with this crap and go away.”

“Yeah, yeah. You think you’re so smart for seeing through it? Well, what if I told you it was all true?”

“I’d call the God of Shitty Doctors with Questionable Medical Practices for Dumbass Crackpot Authors to have your brain checked out.”

“... you wouldn’t really…”

“Would you like to test my patience?”

She stood up and headed to the exit with a stiff laugh, “Ha. Ha. I suppose I should take my leave now. I’ll see you around, God.”

“Please don’t see me around any time soon.”

“So cold~”

Seriously, where does she come up with this shit? Being a character created by your creator, but simultaneously being the one who created the creator that created you. I don’t even want to try and comprehend that convoluted rubbish.