Consultation 120.

“God, how do I get my husband to beat me?”

I blinked once then tried to process her request but I returned a ‘God does not fucking understand the crazy bitch speak error.’

“Ehem. Just to make sure I didn’t mishear or your didn’t misspeak, you would like your husband to beat you rather than not beat you?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“Were you planning to record it so you could blackmail or extort some goods out of him?”

“No. I just enjoy the feeling of a nice hard fist ramming heavily against my face. But my husband is too much of a pussy little bitch to punch me in the face. It’s just so difficult to get your man to punch you in the face these days. I can only blame society for not comprehending how wonderful a good old fist to the face feels. The moment where your eye turns black really gets me off. When I look and see the bruises in the mirror, hah… hah… just thinking about it is turning me on.”

I’m very sorry that society has more than a single brain cell left and understands what pain supposed to be for. It’s a deterrent. Do you understand? A DE-TER-RANT.

“You know, getting a fist to the face is supposed to hurt, right?”

“Hurt? Have you ever tried taking a fist to the face before, God?”

“Have I tried it… uhh… no? Why?”

“Would you like me to punch you in the face so you can experience the most pleasurable thing in the world?”

“No… thank you. I’ll pass,” I’m not the type of degenerate who enjoys getting off to being punched in the face after all.

“But God, how would you know if you find it pleasurable or not without taking at least one good fist to the face?”

Because common sense exists.

“Fine, I understand God.

Do you really though?

“God, have you ever tried hitting a woman before?”

“No I haven... wait, there was that one time now that I think about it.” That one time I lost my shit when one of my clients in hell was preaching about some garbage.

“And how did you feel when you hit them?”

“How did I feel?” Probably a sense of liberation from not having to hear her preaching anymore. “Hold up, I’m the counselor here. Stop trying to reverse our roles..”

“Tch. God, how about you give me a good old punch, God?”

“Punch you? No way. That’s not going to happen?”

“What? Why not! I paid good money for this. You could at the very least punch me in the face.”

Wait, what? Wouldn’t that mean I’d be getting paid to punch someone in the face to make them feel some weird form of pleasure if I accepted her offer? Such an easy job exists? Would it be considered prostitution though? Selling a physical act, performed by my own body to get someone off. That would qualify, right?

“Let’s forget about me punching you for now and get back to your original request.”

“Fine.”

“Does your husband play a lot of video games?”

“Yes, he does.”

“I see. Is he lazy?”

“Yes, very lazy.”

“Does he have a job?”

“Yes.”

“Does it pay well?”

“No.”

“Then getting him to beat you is pretty simple. Whenever your husband is in the middle of a game you need to walk between him and the monitor and start complaining about how he pays more attention to his games than you. Unplug it from the wall mid-game whenever he is doing really good as well.”

“While you’re at it, you need to start nagging him about doing more chores around the house. In the middle of his games, keep nagging him to put out the garbage, wash the dishes, clothes, clean up his room, etc. Every little thing you can think of no matter how petty it is, you need to tell him to do it. Even if it is something as small as leaving a can on the kitchen counter and not throwing it out. When he leaves the toilet seat up, be sure to interrupt him in the middle of the game and refuse to move until he goes and puts the seat down. The great thing about this one is that you can actually just put the toilet seat up yourself and then pin the blame on him without any evidence.”

“Another important tactic to implement is every time he finishes work, you need to nag him and tell him how much of a failure he is. Tell him to go find a real job every day.”

“Next is, no sex. Cut him off cold turkey. Sleep in separate rooms from now on. Cut off any access to the internet at night so he can’t use porn as well. That will increase his stress even further. Every night, constantly bang on the wall to prevent him from sleeping properly. During the day, blast a really shitty repetitive song over and over again to drive him to the brink of insanity.”

“Accuse him of cheating on you every chance you get. Also, make it seem like you’re cheating on him when you’re actually not so he can’t actually find any evidence of it. That will make him endlessly paranoid.”

“Don’t give him any privacy, go through all his emails, text messages and call logs. Monitor his calls as well.”

“Tell him how much he resembles his piece of shit father and call his mother a cheap prostitute.”

“Whenever he needs to use the toilet, occupy it before him and stay in there for hours on end.”

“Constantly bring up random petty little things from years ago to complain about.”

“Tell him the same story over and over again every single day. A story such as how you used to be beaten by someone. In the beginning, it will be about how bad of an experience it was. But gradually, every day, one or two words in the story will be altered until it turns into it being about how good it felt to be beaten to the brink of death by that person. It’s a very simple effective method to brainwash someone and change their mentality.”

“If you follow these easy steps, before you even realize it, your husband will be beating your ass until you’re practically shitting with every fucked up degenerate orgasm you have on a daily basis.”

Her eyes sparkled as they opened wide, her jaw hung slightly ajar as she looked at me and said, “Evil. It’s too evil. But it’s brilliant. I dare say it’s even ingenious. Such a detailed plan, only a master in the art of pissing the living shit out of people could come up with it. There really isn’t any way I see this plan failing. My husband wouldn’t be able to file for divorce even if he wanted to since he’d be unable to financially support himself with his shitty job. He’s too lazy to actually try and find one.”

“Exactly. He’s trapped by marriage and his own laziness so he doesn’t have a way out. With you pushing him into a corner mentally, he’ll eventually snap and beat you the way an Asian father beats his child who got a 99% for his overall average in high school.”

“Hehehe. Excellent. I really never expected such a meticulous plan. Thank you, God. Now, can you please punch me in the face?”

“Scram, get lost.”

“Tch. Fine. I’ll settle with just this for now, but I’ll definitely be back in the future.”

I can only pray he beats you to death so you won’t.

And just like that, I’d done my good deed for the day. Educating on the dos and donts if you want to be beaten to death by your lazy gamer husband with a dead-end job.