Consultation 121.

“God, how can I recruit money mules in other countries to help me launder money?”

“It’s pretty simple actually. You just need to make up some bogus international logistics companies in those other countries using the names of real companies. All you need to do is purchase a domain name similar to the already existing company’s name and create a fake website for them. Once you’ve set it up, you can post fake job listings online or send out emails en mass to young suckers desperate for a job. You can set it as an entry-level position requiring no experience with a high hourly wage. Set the title as Finance Manager since they’ll be handling money and state it’s a remote position where they can work from home.”

“As the job market is especially tough for younger generations these days, despite being more tech-savvy, this technological superiority they’re so confident in, tends to give them a false sense of security. They believe there’s no way they would ever fall for this sort of scheme. Many of these young kids fresh out of school have never been through the hiring process and for certain have never landed an interview for such a high-paying position, so even if you do some sketchy things, they wouldn’t be the wiser when they are blinded by money.”

“Though there will still be many who will sniff out that there is something suspicious about the offer and do a bit of research about it online, the ones that contact you back are typically the most desperate, gullible ones who are willing to do anything for a job even when it’s blatantly obvious that the offer is too good to be true.”

“Once you’ve reeled in some promising suckers, you can go through a sham telephone interview process. Just advise them your fake call center will call them to complete the interview process which will only take fifteen minutes. Ask them some typical bullshit interview questions you can find online. Pretend you give a shit about their answers by acknowledging them every now and then with an ‘uhuh’ or ‘I see.’”

“Once that’s over, send them an email an hour later claiming that they’ve got the position and you look forward to working with them. Advise them that they will be on a probationary period of 14 days, telling them this will keep them on their toes so they try to do their best without thinking about what it is they are actually doing. In that email you will also advise them on the next steps they need to take.”

“First is getting them to full out and sign some fake sketchy labor agreement. Second, request them to send a picture of their government-issued photo ID. Lastly, request them to send you a void check or direct deposit form. It’s pretty standard stuff you’d expect an employer to request. Not only do you acquire a loyal money mule this way; you can simultaneously steal their identity while you’re at it as well.”

“Even if they come to their senses a day or two later and realize something is off, you have all the information you need to set up fake accounts under their name. You can apply for a bunch of credit cards using their information. You can dox them whenever you want. You can effectively use this information to blackmail them and keep them on a leash like your loyal dog. If they ever go against you, you can make their life a living hell. With their identity in your hand, you can reveal your true colors without worry if they ever become rebellious.”

“What’s even better is, they won’t want to reveal that they’ve been duped to anyone, at least not in the short term. It’s too humiliating to admit to it. Doing so requires time to accept this new reality of theirs. This is especially so for younger people who are afraid of getting in trouble. They may end up too afraid to ever seek out help in fear they will be held as a responsible party for acting as your proxy to launder money.”

“Not bad, God. If I didn’t know any better I’d really think you’re a natural-born scammer.”

“Tch. Don’t patronize me. I’m a bloody God, I’ve seen more scams than you can even begin to imagine.” Hell, gods run the greatest scam of all, being worshiped for doing jack shit.

“Oh, haha, I wasn’t aware of that at all.”

“By the way, what sort of scam operation are you running exactly?”

“Scam call centers for technical support and customer service for an assortment of companies we impersonate. Oh yeah, there are also a bunch of government agencies and not-for-profit organizations as well. Honestly, if you can think of someone, we’re probably running a campaign where we impersonate them.”

“I see, so you mainly need money mules in other countries to receive physical cash payments on your behalf from the victims you’ve scammed. You make the victims send cash to an address via a shipping carrier and get the tracking number from them should you need to redirect the package. You make use of accommodation sharing services to book a temporary address where the victim sends the package to where your money mule will lay in wait for a few days to receive the package.”

“Once the package is received, your money mule then acts as an intermediary and deposits the funds into business accounts you set up using their information which you both have full access to. You can get them to purchase crypto online using these funds and send it to several wallet addresses in smaller and smaller sums making it impossible to track before the funds eventually funnel back together and end up in a wallet address that belongs to you at the very end. You allow your money mule to keep a small portion as their cut to incentivize them to keep cooperating with you by taking advantage of their greed, desperation, and fear.”

“Is that the extent of your plan for these money mules?”

“Precisely, God. You’ve really seen through everything. By any chance would you be interested in working with us?”

“Hell no.”

“But, think about all the money you could make. We could slowly expand our operations into Heaven with your assistance.”

“Not interested. Please go away.” Why does this shit keep happening to me? Do I really look like I’m that corrupt of a God?

“Haaaah. Fine. I understand, I shouldn’t push my luck. I should be content with the lucrative operation I already have going. Oh well, at least with your method to recruit these money mules and keep them on a tight leash, the money laundering part of my operation is perfected. It will be impossible for anyone to trace these funds back to me now. But God, if you ever get tired of your current gig, please don’t hesitate to give me a ring. My doors are always open for capable people.”

Just ignore it. Just pretend I didn’t see it. That infuriating look of pity on her face as she left. It really ticked me off, but I somehow kept my benevolent all-forgiving charade up until the very end.

I’m so fucking sick of robocalls from these assholes all the time! I’d smite them if I could, but they’re like Godroaches that don’t go extinct no matter how many you kill. If you kill off one of their kind, five more of these rat bastards swoop in like vultures to take their place. There was no cure for these cursed robocall scammers.