Consultation 122.

“God, my Dog has an OnlyFans account, what do I do?”

“Sorry, run that by me one more time. I don’t think I got that.”

“My Dog has an OnlyFans account, what do I do?”

My mouth formed a small o as I questioned everything I knew about what dogs could and couldn’t do on their own.

“Let me get this straight, your.... dog has an OnlyFans account?”

“Yes, that is correct.” She responded like there was nothing strange or questionable about that at all.

“And you... want to know what you should do?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry, I’m still having a hard time understanding what it is you want.”

“How can you not understand? My Dog is being very naughty. I need to know what to do with him.”

“How does your dog even operate its OnlyFans account?”

“What do you mean?”

Was I the weird one for not understanding?

“I mean, it’s a dog, right?”

“Yeah, it’s a Dog. An unloyal, unfaithful Dog at that. He’s been a bad little boy. Doesn’t he know he can only wave his cute little butt around in front of me? How dare he wave that scrumptious little booty of his around in front of anyone else?”

“Well, it is a dog. All dogs do that, right?”

“No, they don’t.”

Am I misunderstanding something here? Are there breeds of dogs that don’t do that?

“What breed of dog do you have exactly?”

“The one that starts with an M.”

What the hell, there were at least ten breeds that start with an M.

“M? By that, do you mean a miniature one?”

“Miniature? Hmm… Now that you mention it, I guess he is pretty small.”

What? Are we even talking about the same thing?

“Small as in dog size, right?”

“Yeah. Tiny. It’s real cute. Wait, enough of his size, what does that have to do with my problem?”

“Uh… I’m not too sure.”

“Then can you please answer my question on what I should do?”

“Uh… why not just cut him off or something?” If she just makes it so her dog doesn’t have access to a device to use OnlyFans, what is he going to do about it? It’s not like dogs can buy a new device on their own, right?

“Cut... him... off?” She looked at me with confusion. 

“Yeah.”

“You sure?” She still didn’t look convinced

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“When you say cut him off… wait, cut him off? Cut him off… the reason you brought up his size… is that it?”

Huh? What did his size and me telling her to cut her dog off from OnlyFans have to do with each other? How did she even connect the two together? Was her dog miniature, but really thick or something? No, that couldn’t be it, she referred to it as little after all. Maybe she meant the size of his subscriber base. That could be it, her dog was a small timer on OnlyFans and she misunderstood when I asked if he was miniature. He probably is a different breed of dog that starts with an M but is not among the miniature ones in that case.

Wait, actually, who even subscribes to a dog’s OnlyFans anyway? If her dog isn’t big on OnlyFans, could it be a very small minority of other dogs that have subscribed? Are dogs evolving into degenerates because they’re “man’s best friend?” Are they now even able to take control of their owner’s devices and steal their credit cards to subscribe to doggy porn online?

I’m so confused and lost right now. This certainly wasn’t something gods envisioned, at least, not for the world she was from. 

What are humans even doing? How can they be such a bad influence that they’re infecting cute innocent little dogs with their degeneracy now?

“Well, God? Was that what you meant or not?”

“Huh? Yeah, yeah. It was.” Whatever, fuck if I know anything anymore. If she found some kind of answer of her own, go ham.

“Well, I suppose you’re not wrong. If I do cut it off it would give him a good lesson. Besides, cutting it off might be kind of nice in its own way. Watching his look of despair as the color drains from his eyes. It’ll be great. Blood will surely fly everywhere.”

Jeez, does OnlyFans mean that much to her dog? To the point she actually expects her dog to bleed tears? But although dogs have tear ducts, they don’t actually cry though. I guess she means metaphorically.

“Anyway, thank you, God. I should get going now. I need to head back and discipline my Dog properly so he never waves his butt in front of anyone else ever again.”

“Right... you do that.”

After she left I continued to pick at my brain and play over our conversation from beginning to end to decipher what it was I hadn’t caught onto. I tried to look at things from a different perspective. Something was off about it from the very beginning. Just replaying it in my head wasn’t enough though, so I read through Author’s written transcription which documented the dialogue that took place between us. It was only there that I finally found what was so odd. Whenever my client said dog, it was capitalized. Whenever I said dog, it was lowercase.

Though a small difference, it completely changed the meaning. She used it as a name of a person, a proper noun. Contrary to her, I used it as a common noun. If that was the case, a dog to me was not a Dog to her. Then what was Dog to her?

I started to slowly piece things together and the mystery gradually unraveled. When I figured out what she actually planned to cut off, I grimaced. I guess that was also called a dog at times as well. It was just a different type of dog she was going to cut off. A hot one indeed.

Well, it should work I guess, that sort of pain would scare anyone into submission. Even for an M, a very special breed of dog who enjoyed pain, it was surely too much even for them.

Haaaaah… I sure look stupid now for not figuring it out. I should try to cut a deal with Author to not reveal this consultation to anyone.