Consultation 123.

“God, my boyfriend has been suspicious of me recently and I was wondering how to not get caught.”

“You mean you’ve been cheating on him and he’s suspicious that you’re being unfaithful?”

“Heavens no! Sorry, I wasn’t clear enough. I’m 100% faithful to only him. I can’t even think of another man.”

“Then if not cheating, what exactly are you trying to avoid being caught doing?”

“Well, you see… I… have a secret I can’t tell him.”

“A secret? Like what? You have a dick or something?”

“No. My secret is that I like to make sure my ass is extra clean after using the toilet.”

“Uh… okay… and what exactly is the problem?”

“Well, recently, when I ran out of toilet paper in the washroom I used a certain item and discovered it was particularly good at cleaning out my ass. It was so good that I gradually became addicted to using it. Since that day toilet paper just doesn’t cut it anymore. It feels unbearably good when I use this particular item.”

“Right… and this item is?”

“Do I really have to say what it is?”

“Well, yeah. If you want an answer I’m obviously going to need the whole story.”

“A… toothbrush.”

“A toothbrush? You’ve been using your toothbrush to wipe your ass?”

“No.”

“No? I misunderstood?” I just didn’t want to acknowledge it. I knew exactly what she meant, but I was holding onto the tiny sliver of hope that I was wrong.

“I use my boyfriend’s toothbrush, not my own. What I want to know is how to ensure he doesn’t find out. He’s been asking me if I’ve done something with his toothbrush lately because it tastes weird when he puts it in his mouth. He’s also noticed the light brown tint forming on the bristles close to the head. It’s a bit difficult to completely wash it out after I use it. Sometimes small brown bits dislodge from the brush and show up when he spits into the sink.”

When I imagined brushing my teeth and discovering small crusty brown clumps of unknown origin, I threw up a little in my mouth. Thankfully, I swallowed it back down and didn’t make a mess. What the actual fuck is wrong with her though? Like, come on! You’re just plain nasty!

“I understand. Have you considered just buying and using a brand new one?”

“I tried a new one before, but I just didn’t get the same kick out of it when it wasn’t my boyfriend’s used one.”

“Then, have you considered switching his out with a new one and you can use his old one? When you can no longer use his old one and you have to throw it out, you can just repeat the process again.”

“It’d be suspicious if I frequently swapped his toothbrush out for a new one. Also, I don’t get the post-act satisfaction of watching him brush his teeth with it if I do that.”

Post-act… satisfaction? You can derive pleasure from watching your boyfriend brush his teeth with a toothbrush you stuck up your ass smeared with your shit?

When the hell did humans come up with this sort of twisted fetish? No, the better question was what fetish had they not come up with yet?

“Uh, on a side note, are you fine with kissing your boyfriend after he brushes his teeth?”

“Of course. In fact, I take the initiative to.”

Yep, she’s just another fucking weird freak.

“How about this? Why don’t you start buying brown chocolate-flavored toothpaste for both of you to use? You can mask the taste with the chocolate flavor and if the brush turns brown over time as a result of your rather… peculiar interest, he would just think it’s a result of the new toothpaste.”

“Hmm… I certainly haven’t tried that before. Do you really think that would work?”

“Yeah, it should work. If he feels some brown gunk in his mouth and he spits it out, he’ll just think it was some food stuck in his teeth covered in the toothpaste.”

“Oh, that’s true. That could definitely work.”

“Yeah, so just give that a shot and see how it goes.”

“Alright, I’ll try it out.”