Consultation 128.

“God, would you like to explain?”

“Explain what?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know.”

I stared at the pitiful Goddess who I’d almost forgotten about after not hearing from her for so long. The last time was that card game we played quite a while back. Oh, wait, there was also the game show where I got stuck marrying Goddess Husbandos as well. I almost forgot about that time because of how quickly she was eliminated.

“I have no idea what the problem is,” I bluntly responded. 

Did she book this consultation to complain because I married Goddess Husbandos or something? Was she jealous? Could it be? Did I suddenly become popular?

“Liar! You know exactly what it is!”

I see. It must be that after all. It’s truly difficult when you become popular with the ladies. Haaaaaah… like hell that’s actually it. It must actually be about that time on the game show where I called her a fat whale. She must have been furious with me this entire time and decided to give me the cold shoulder. If that was the case, could she be here for an apology?

“Unless you tell me what it is, we’ll be here forever.”

“Look, I know I haven’t booked any consultations recently… but what the hell is this!” Goddess Grandparents whipped out her phone and held it in front of me. On it, was an image. It didn’t take long before I realized what the image was for thanks to all the familiar faces on it.

“Oh, so Author posted a new cover? What’s the problem with that exactly?”

“What’s the problem… you really have the gall to ask what’s the problem? Isn’t it plain as day what the problem is?”

“Uh…” I scrutinized the image to the best of my ability to try and figure out what was wrong. It honestly looked pretty normal to me. It was a half-assed job and very characteristic of Author. There really was nothing out of the ordinary for it. But obviously, Goddess Grandparents had picked up on some sort of big problem with it.

Hmmmmm… ah, could it be that?

“I see. I understand what the problem is now.”

“You do?”

“Yes.”

“So you noticed what it’s missing?”

“Yes. It has all these people, but it’s missing the main protagonist, right?”

“Exactly! How could I not be on the cover!”

Eh? Her? I mean… wouldn’t I be the main protagonist?

I looked over the cover again and noticed my wife, Author, the nympho zombie bitch, the crazy artistic killer, my self-proclaimed biggest fan, a yellow bear, few other clients, and even the fetus lady. But as for Goddess Grandparents… she was nowhere to be found on this cover.

Wait! 

My eyes suddenly shot open.

It wasn’t just her. There was another huge problem, aside from me and her not being in it, someone else extremely important was also missing. The most important character in this entire story… the snapping turtle from the game show! Author! How could you forget the snapping turtle! You bastard!

My eyes returned to normal as I was immediately over this gag.

“So you booked this consultation with me to complain about why you’re not on the cover?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You didn’t?”

“I’m not here to complain, I just want to be on the cover. What I want to know is how to…” she paused and discreetly glanced left and right before she finished her sentence, “get into Author’s GodHub account to… correct Author’s little mistake without angering Author.”

“You… are you an idiot? Do you really think Author wouldn’t immediately notice something like this?”

“Well… the thing is… I sort of already got in and changed the cover.”

“You what?”

“Uh… I said I sort of already changed the cover.”

“But that image.”

“A screenshot I saved to my phone before I updated it.”

“How!”

“How did I pull it off?”

“Yeah.”

“Magic,” she said with an overly satisfied smug grin.

I reached out over the desk, pinched her cheeks hard, and stretched them out.

“Ow ow ow ow ow!”

“Magic? Cut the bullshit, what did you really do?”

“Stwop it, it hurts!”

“Then explain. This doesn’t just concern you anymore. I don’t want my paycheck docked just because an idiot like you booked a consultation with me.”

“It’s too late, we’re in this together. You’re now an accomplice whether you like it or not.”

“Tch. Was this your plan from the beginning? To split Author’s ire between two people to lessen how much trouble you’d be in?”

“Yeah, pretty good plan, right?”

“Good plan? Screw you! This is the shittiest plan I’ve ever heard! Of all people, why pick me!”

“Hmmph! I’m just a stupid single fat whale.”

Damn it, so it was that game show after all!

“Petty! You’re too damn petty!”

“Shut up. If you take the fall with me for this, I’ll forgive you for your insolent words back then.”

This has to be some sort of meticulous trap she’s trying to ensnare me in to save herself. Take the fall with her? Absolutely not. I’ve got to sell her out to save myself- no, to save my paycheck!

What if she plans to betray me by playing the victim card then claiming that I secretly coerced her into doing this? 

I should approach this more carefully. She must have thought this all through. Gods and Goddesses are all old crafty scheming foxes, I can’t rule out the possibility of betrayal here. Before she can betray me, I need to betray her. I need her to let her guard down so I can betray her without her ever suspecting a thing. The first to betray the other wins. As such, I need to play along for the time being.

I don’t want a repeat of… no, I better not even think it.

“I understand, Goddess Grandparents. I think I’ve thought of a way that we can avoid Author’s wrath.”

“No way. For real?”

“Yeah.”

“But how?”

“Simple, just make sure she never realizes that it changed.”

“Didn’t you just say there’s no way she wouldn’t immediately notice?”

“If you leave it like that for long she’d obviously notice, however, there is a loophole in the system you can make use of to minimize the chance of being discovered. When you change the cover, it needs to be reviewed by a Goderator before the new cover appears. Only after it is approved does the cover change. However, there is a delay in when it appears as the new cover in different places. For example, the story page will show the new one as soon as it is approved, however, it takes some time before the new one shows up on the create page that Author typically looks at. If you periodically swap the cover out with the correct timing, Author might never notice since she doesn’t visit the story page.”

“Oh! That’s brilliant!”

Like hell it is. It’s obviously not going to work. I’m obviously going to sell you out.

“But… what if on the off chance Author does check the story page?”

“In that case, we tap our heads like idiots, stick out our tongues, and say ‘tehe, Author Fool’s’ or something.” 

Well, a backup plan in case betraying this cursed Goddess doesn’t save my own skin is always good. Though this could hardly be called a backup plan. I’d rather call it a ‘look at me, I’m a stupid idiot, do you really want to punish a stupid idiot?’ plan.

“... just how low is your pay that you’re willing to sink-”

“Don’t ask. It pains me whenever I think about it.”

Haaaaaah. I can’t afford another pay cut.