I had imagined this scene so many times in my head, but oh my lord everything had gone terribly. Davis knew. This wasn’t like Amy, my twin sister who in the back of my head I knew would love me regardless. This was my crush, sitting across from me in a chair, staring at me all done up in a dress and makeup. He was going to be furious, he would think this was all some kind of joke at his expense, and I was the one who orchestrated it. I was having the beginnings of an anxiety attack from this, and do you know what he said?

“Amy, I think your sibling and I are twinning more than y’all are now!”

Straight to the dad joke. Boys are enigmas to us all.

Davis had shown up to Molly’s door to drop off a holiday neighbor gift (the aforementioned brownies), and unluckily for me, the door has a direct view of the living room. At that point, he knew it was me (even if I did squeal and try to hide behind the couch), so we couldn’t just leave him outside in the cold. Not a second after we had noticed him, Amy already had me in her arms, I was bawling, and Molly was forcefully pulling Davis inside, practically throwing him into the armchair across from me. Everyone was silent for a second, just letting me work through my anxiety, with comforting rubs on my back from Amy. When I eventually calmed down, Molly spoke up: “It’s up to you how to handle this. I’ll fight him to keep him silent if I have to.”

I took a deep breath, collected myself, and shook my head before looking Davis in his big blue eyes. The boy in front of me was one I had grown up playing in the sandbox with. I had known him since preschool, but we had drifted apart when he came out. Again and again, I asked myself why, but I knew the answer, deep in my gut. He was brave. He took the step to come out while I had stayed in the closet and let puberty ravage my body. All of the feelings of testosterone destroying my body and having to sit there and watch with no way to stop it came flooding back at once, drowning me in a pool I couldn’t swim in. Thankfully I had a hand extended to me pretty quickly.

It was within my anxious spiral that Davis had dropped his dad joke to break me free of my own mind. He had always had that effect of calming me down while also flustering the hell out of me, and frankly, it wasn’t fair. Once again I got control of my breath. Slowly, as if he was approaching a wounded animal, he moved towards me and knelt on the ground before me, taking my shaking hands in his own to steady them. My mind immediately flashed back to our days in the sandbox. We would work together, shaping and crafting our castle together around me. I was the princess of the castle, the one he, my knight, would protect from the bullies of the playground. No matter how many idiots came up to attack our castle, make fun of me for being feminine, or him for being masculine, he was always the one to protect me. 

I quickly tried to swallow my fears. It was time to let free the feelings that I had hidden for so long regarding his transition and my lack of one.

“You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be mad?” His brow furrowed at the accusation. “I can tell this isn’t a joke, and I always had some sort of inkling you weren’t exactly cishet.” I pulled my knees up to my chest because of my anxiety, wrapping my arms around them in a much needed self-hug. My voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, but in the silent room it might as well have been blaring through a megaphone. “Well, I am straight, but, I’m a trans girl. My name’s Beverly. I use she and her. I was just so afraid that you would take this as me making fun of you.” Davis in turn took his big lanky arms out and wrapped me tight in a hug, resting my head against his chest. I felt so safe and secure held up against him and hearing his heart beat slowly as the rest of the world seemed to fall out of focus.

“I would never Beverly. I’m so proud of you for finding yourself. How long have you known?”

“Since you came out in 6th grade…”

I felt his pull get just a bit stronger, as some sort of apology for all the years he hadn’t put all the pieces together. I wanted to tell him not to be sorry, that it had been my fault, but he was already speaking again.

“No matter what happens from here on out, I have your back Beverly, I promise you. I know being a trans kid at our school isn’t exactly the easiest thing, whether you’re out or not.” He grinned down at me as I pulled towards him.

“B-but I couldn’t be like you, I’m a coward.”

He loosened the hug, and moved to my side, pulling my head gently against him.

“Beverly no, you aren’t a coward for taking your time. Nobody in the closet is. No matter what will occur or how long it takes you to come out, you aren’t a coward, period. This is scary as hell, to completely be blunt. Just know that whatever happens from this point forward, whether you stay in the closet or out, we’ll all be right behind you, and you’re so strong for getting here. I’m so proud of you. I don’t know how long your sister and Molly have known, but I know they’re proud of you too.”

I looked around the room and I saw the faces of Molly, Amy, and Davis, all smiling widely at me. If I had my best friend who had helped me single handedly up to this point, my twin sister, and my crush who also happens to be trans, could I really do it? Could I let the world see Beverly? 

~~~

I spent the rest of the night just being me and enjoying being with my friends. Amy and Davis both had other plans for the night before my bombshell, but elected to cancel them. My coming out apparently needed to be celebrated, and I was more than happy to take them up on the offer. We spent the rest of the night playing Mario Kart, eating pizza ordered from our local joint, PizzaBox (creative, I know), and watching a movie. I picked out Scott Pilgrim to mark the occasion because I’m pretty sure every trans girl in existence has looked at Ramona Flowers at one point and said “Yeah, goals.” When I mentioned this to Davis he pretty much agreed with me and laughed, but also took the opportunity to sit beside me on the couch and I soon found myself with my head on his shoulder, and his arm around my own shoulder. He felt so perfect to cuddle with, like the lock to my key we just fit together. I was blushing like crazy, anxious as all hell, and I could feel my palms shaky and wet with sweat. He just gave me that big smile of his and looked at me with his big blue eyes.

Was this really real? Was this actually happening?

The movie finished up at about 10:30 pm, and it wasn’t unnoticed that Molly and Amy both immediately had to run to do “something.” After a second, Davis spoke up, with a quiet and calm voice, and looked down at me with that smile that would make anybody who likes boys melt. “You know, this actually makes a whole lot of sense. Despite everything, I still have a big crush on you I could never understand. You were the only outlier, Beverly, the only ‘boy’ I had ever liked. You made me question everything about my sexuality several times, and I couldn’t quite figure it out until tonight. I knew you probably weren't cishet at some level, but actually acknowledging that, I wasn’t able to until tonight when I had the possibility that you weren’t a boy until it was right in my face. I was just too blind to see it.” I was completely paralyzed at this proclamation he had feelings for me, and was probably looking at him like an idiot. Eventually I was able to speak up, tripping over my words like the anxious mess I was. “You, uh, mean it? You like, like me too? Is my, like, whole thing for you that, um, obvious?”

“Well, princess, you just spent 2 hours cuddling with me and me exclusively when there were two other people on the couch. I think that says a lot.”

My face must have been the color of tomato, but my eyes definitely had the stars that happen in Steven Universe. Here I was, Beverly Anderson, with the boy of my dreams, after we both confessed our feelings for each other, and to top it all off he was calling me “princess,”  the title he had called me all those years ago, when neither of us knew who we were. So I did the only thing I could think of to do.

I looked deep into his eyes, and leaned in for him to kiss me.