Despite knowing how amazing and supportive Lilith was, I couldn’t help but be nervous when I finally reached out for support. It felt really stupid, freaking out about something with such a predictable outcome, but then again I was an incredibly stupid person. Lilith, as anyone familiar with her would have expected, reacted perfectly. She was patient and kind, listening to everything I had to say before responding and showing no judgment when she did. The conversation was brief; it only lasted for about five minutes, and at the end of it all, Lilith had asked me to give her a day to prepare something. We made plans for her to come over to my dorm at seven o’clock the following evening.

That night was the single most painful night of my life. Imagine being five years old and waiting for Santa, your birthday, summer vacation, and the recess bell… all at the same time; that would give you a general idea as to how I pulled an all-nighter freakout session with absolutely no caffeine. I tried everything I could think of to distract myself and kill time. I watched one of my favorite television shows, but each episode seemed to drag on forever. I committed virtual goblin genocide in my favorite RPG, but each little green life lost amounted to mere seconds off of a seemingly endless timer. I even tried reading a book for the first time in years. After finishing a chapter, I checked the time only to discover that the clock had somehow gone backward by ten minutes! Okay, that one may have been my tired mind playing tricks on me, but at the time it didn’t matter. I was in an endless abyss, a purgatory of infinite waiting where clock hands stood still and the sounds of ticks and tocks were merely a distant memory fading into the eternity to which I was damned!

Look, I never once claimed to be a patient person, and yes, I was being overly dramatic; it’s called embellishment and in case you couldn’t tell, I was a fan.

Nevertheless, the promised time eventually did arrive and with it, so did Lilith. She entered my room and greeted me with a tender peck on the cheek and a blushing smile. That one simple act and sight made the insanity of yesterday completely worth it in my mind.

“We’re going back to the other world,” Lilith declared. I wasn’t surprised; the other world had been where my desire reignited, it was only fitting that it be the backdrop to this journey’s finale. I nodded in acknowledgment and she smiled, glad for my peaceful acceptance of our impending venue change. We both sat down on my bed before we gently laid down next to one another. Lilith intertwined her fingers with mine, grasping my hand gently as I made the familiar commute to Lilith’s domain.

When I regained awareness, I was legitimately surprised. We were not in the witch’s sanctum in the world of DoD. No, Lilith and I stood in her old bedroom from her childhood home. She hadn’t changed into one of her extravagantly elegant “Lily outfits”; she still wore the same tank top and shorts she had on back in my dorm. For the first time since the first time, I hadn’t changed into Rose during the transition between worlds; I was still very much Ross and still wearing a very Ross-ish ensemble of a T-shirt and jeans.

Looking around Lilith’s room was a trip down memory lane I hadn’t expected to take. The room still had the board games we used to play, the dial-up computer we had spent way too many hours enjoying, and the dolls she used to collect. A lump caught in my throat as I saw one specific doll: she had light brown hair and a green dress, her plastic hand had been warped around a makeshift paperclip bow, and her glass eyes seemed to penetrate me to my core. Before I could get too lost in the item, Lilith lightly brushed my shoulder.

“Are you sure about this? You don’t have to do this for me. I’ll always love you, regardless of what your decision is.” Her words were slow and deliberate. I could tell that she was pouring her heart into each syllable, ensuring her sincerity was immediately recognizable.

I smiled at her, hoping to cover up the fear boiling up on the inside. “I understand, but I have to at least try whatever it is you’ve come up with. I have to give Rose a chance.”

This pleased her greatly, even if she wouldn’t admit it. “This will not be easy… or pleasant. In fact, this may be the most painful experience of your life. Are you okay with that?” I considered Lilith’s warning for all of two seconds before confidently nodding. I had not expected this to be easy. Lilith’s mother had made it clear that I would have to face my “inner demons,” and it would take a soul much more masochistic than mine to take any pleasure in that task.

Lilith gestured to what looked like a basic, plastic-framed standing mirror. My first instinct was to try and call customer support because nothing seemed to be reflected in its blue glass surface. I stepped closer, somehow thinking that this would elicit some kind of reaction. It didn’t.

“I borrowed this from… a friend. They guaranteed its efficacy. You will enter the mirror’s world, your world, and from there it is all up to you. I will not be able to enter with you or help in any way. I’m sorry.” Lilith looked down, disappointed in her abilities.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” I reassured her; “you have done far more than enough.” I looked at the mirror for a few moments. Lilith stood there silently, waiting for me to act. “So, do I just touch it?”

“Oh, duh, I didn’t even go over how to use it.” The two of us burst into glorious tension-melting laughter. As it turns out, it was in fact just as simple as touching the surface. With one final look shared between us, I placed my palm on the mirror’s smooth surface. The glass rippled like the cup of water in Jurassic Park and I felt myself being drawn inside. Within seconds, my entire body had been consumed by the mirror and I was plunged into nothingness.

I stood alone and in the dark for a while, just waiting for something to happen. As my eyes adjusted, I realized that I had already been placed in a new locale. This room was circular, with a smooth stone curve for a wall and tightly packed dirt floors. Burnt-out torches lined the wall, but provided no assistance in my quest to take in the scenery. I started walking along the perimeter of the room, tracing my hand across the boundary as to not get lost in the darkness. While making my rounds, I came across a wooden door with no handle. I considered entering, but decided to put off branching out until I had thoroughly searched my starting point. As I finished my lap, I came across two more doors situated at equidistant points from one another. The second door was wooden, like the first, but seemed much sturdier, sporting a deadbolt lock on it. The final door I had found was made of steel and had been sealed with chains. The sounds of screaming and struggle could be heard inside… yeah, there was no way in hell I was going to open door number three. I kept one hand firmly planted on the wall, but began staring into the dark expanse at the center of the room.

One thing I had failed to notice when I first arrived was that this chamber had a pretty sizable skylight cut out in its ceiling. During my initial investigation, it had miserably failed to serve its purpose. Bad skylight! As the clouds above me parted, moonlight trickled in, illuminating the once-shrouded center. A large metal stake was plunged into the earth below the skylight. Attached to the stake was a heavy metal chain which found itself connected to a collar. A human form, still shadowed but slowly coming into view, began stirring in the moonlight.

She had long brown hair which had dried out and frayed. She was thin, as though she hadn’t seen the joy of a good meal in years. Her nails were long and chipped, covered in dirt as was the rest of her. She wore a rag which could only be called a dress in the most generous usage of the word. Her face was emaciated, her eyes bloodshot and filled with a rage I could never have imagined.

“You...” Rose growled, her voice was hoarse and dry. She took a couple of steps towards me, swaying as if she was relearning how to balance on two feet. “You…” Rose repeated her pointed address; she steadily approached me and I reflexively backed up to the wall. “How could you… for so long...alone.” Rose had crossed half of the distance that separated us and it was clear that I wasn’t exactly her favorite person. I’m not going to lie, bricks may have been shat in that room.

“I’m sorry --”

“Don’t fucking apologize to me!” Rose’s growl evolved into a roar as she charged at me. I tried to run out of her path but was just late enough for her hands to grab me and tear at my arm with her jagged nails. I felt a throbbing pain accompanied by a warmth that flowed down my arm and off of my fingertips. Rose did not give up her chase. She followed me along the wall, screaming incomprehensibly as she did. When I reached the first door, I knew it was my only chance at escaping her fury, if only for a moment. I shoved the wooden door which allowed me passage with absolutely no resistance.

Not seeing a drastic change in footing and climate coming, I had immediately fallen onto a blanket of snow. My head swung from side to side, frantically looking for any sign of my would-be assailant. Rose was nowhere to be found, but neither was the door. I was in a small wooded area covered in a thick layer of snow. I stood up and tried to get my bearings. This place seemed familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite place why. The sound of shoveling caught my attention. I decided it was as good a place as any to start and made my way towards its source.

As I reached the treeline of a small clearing, I saw a child digging a hole. I watched for a few seconds before I recognized him, it was a younger version of myself. The younger me was crying uncontrollably, his sniffs and sobs prevented him from breathing easily. His face was so red, it stood in stark contrast to the field of white around us. When he seemed satisfied with his work, he threw his shovel away and dropped to his knees. He picked up a shoe box that had been next to him and held it over the hole. All movement ceased. His breathing steadied and his tears had run dry. He held the box over the hole until his arms started to quake. He pulled the box back to his lap and laid it to rest on his legs.

I was at my limit and about to approach him when another figure boldly entered the scene. A little girl, around the same age as my younger self, marched right over to him.

“Whatcha doin?” the girl asked playfully. It was obvious that I hadn’t been expecting company because the young me flailed and collapsed backward, and the shoe box rolled over and spilled its contents. Out of the box had come a doll, the one I had recognized in Lilith’s room. “Oh, wow, she’s pretty!” The girl grabbed the doll with complete disregard for decorum or manners, as kids often act. The boy scrambled to his feet.

“Give her back!” he demanded as he reached for the doll. The girl dodged out of the way with ease.

“What are you playing? I wanna play too.” The girl smiled as she kept up her spur of the moment game of keep-away.

“I’m not playing, I’m getting rid of her.” The boy was out of breath and patience.

“Why? You wanna keep her right? That’s why you were crying.” The young Lilith had said that so matter of factly. I had a vague memory of this event from my younger self’s point of view. It had stuck with me how free of judgment Lilith’s voice had been. She was the first person not to tease or berate me for crying.

My younger self opened up in response to Lilith’s observation. “Of course I want to keep her. But I’m a boy and a boy doesn’t play with dolls.” I regurgitated the words my father had said to me earlier in the day… minus the gratuitous swearing.

Kid Lilith considered this for a moment. “Do you wanna be a boy?” The younger me was obviously dumbstruck. His face looked like the personification of a halted loading bar. Lilith started giggling; her hand covered her mouth even at that age. “You’re funny. You should come over and play at my place. I have some dolls and nobody there cares if you’re a boy, so you can just keep your friend there. Oh right, what’s her name?”

My younger self was beaming at the offer. I didn’t really have friends before this. Someone had actually cared enough about me to want to spend time together. I could see kid Ross tearing up again. “Her name is Rose.”

The scene before me melted and blurred into a distorted array of colors before reforming. I was no longer outside; in fact, I found myself standing in the doorway of Lilith’s room watching a nearly naked and blindfolded teenage Ross being teased by a super gothed-out teen Lilith. The sight of our ridiculous past almost had me explode into laughter.

Lilith had tied my hands behind my back and covered my eyes with a cloth. If I was remembering correctly, I could totally see through that thing but tried to play the part of helpless submissive for Lilith. “A-are the ropes too tight? I can loosen them if they hurt.” Lilith was panicked; this must have been our first time doing something like this. “If you need anything, just ask, okay?”

“Understood, Captain.” You could tell between the two of us who was taking the game seriously.

Lilith repeatedly consulted her computer monitor; she had opened up a webpage with a how-to guide on BDSM, a Kink for Dummies if you will. I snickered at how very Lilith it was to do that. This was the same person who would always have a guidebook open when playing a video game. Hell, I’m pretty sure Lilith would have a copy of the Kama Sutra on hand and referenceable when losing her virginity. “Okay, so you remember the safe word, right? Whatever happens, just --”

Teenage me couldn’t help but chuckle at Lilith’s fussy nature. “You don’t have to worry so much. I know the safe word, it’s all going to be great. I trust you, Lilith.”

Lilith blushed furiously at those words. They seemed to be just what she needed because she immediately snapped into character. “As well you should, worm!”

I decided to step out and give those crazy kids some privacy. On my way through the door, I couldn’t help but hear Lilith’s desperate plea for me to stop laughing at her “villain voice”... good times.

The door I had taken should have led to a hallway; instead, I found myself outside during twilight. Looking around, I found I was in a park surrounded by stalls and booths selling all manner of occult paraphernalia. I spotted my teenage self, fully clothed this time, thank god, speaking with a shop attendant.

“So you would give this to someone you really care about?” teen me asked, looking every which way as he made sure Lilith wouldn’t catch him in the gift-buying act.

“Absolutely; this pendant is meant to bind two souls through destiny. No matter what life throws at you two, you will always find each other somehow.” The man had spoken in a ridiculously manufactured “mystic voice” complete with large arm gestures. I knew I hadn’t believed in this stuff, even as a teenager, but I had still wanted to give Lilith something symbolic. Plus the price was right at five dollars; that had to have been an absolute bargain for bending destiny.

As I was finishing at the stand, teen Lilith bounded up and threw her arms around my past self’s fragile neck. “Oh, and what are you buying all mysteriously, huh?” She grinned widely in a wolfish manner.

“Before I show you, are you familiar with the meanings behind the pendants they sell here?”

“Nope, can’t say that I am.” I saw myself sigh with relief.

“Thank god… here, it’s for you.” Without further hesitation, I handed the pendant to Lilith who looked on it with awe.

“It’s beautiful… thank you, Rose.” Teenage me blushed at being called that in public and started leading the way towards more shops. Lilith eyed her new pendant as she walked. She gave the trinket a knowing smile before she planted a short kiss on it.

Everything went black; from behind me I heard the telltale sound of fires being lit. I was back in the circular room, a third of the surrounding torches had been lit, and the door I had just gone through had vanished. Immediately after realizing where I had landed, I remembered why I had fled through the door. Rose took a wild swing at me and once more I bolted.

“What do you want from me!?” I yelled, still sprinting.

“To live!” Her words had hurt. She was a part of me that I had wronged for so long. I wasn’t sure how I would even attempt reconciliation, so I engaged in my time-honored strategy of avoiding the problem.

I ran until I reached door number two and as I approached it I heard the deadbolt slide open. Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I rushed through the door. My face immediately smashed into a cold metal barrier beyond the door. I tried to reverse my way back through the door, but found that I was surrounded on all sides, trapped in a cramped steel box. It was an absolutely wonderful time to be claustrophobic. As I started breathing heavily and mentally prepared myself for the hyperventilation that was sure to follow, I heard someone to my right doing the same.

“P-p-please let me out,” a voice called from what I guessed was a neighboring locker.

Right, that’s why this seemed so familiar. I had seen the inside of many a locker. One could say I had become a cache connoisseur. You would think that after so much practical experience, it would have become easier to keep cool in a small, dark, suffocating, standing coffin. It did not. I was about to join my youthful counterpart in the traditional panicked yelling before I started hearing other voices from outside.

“This is what you get for playing with dolls, freak!” chided a child’s voice.

“Yeah, and for having girl hair,” laughed a second.

The first tormentor spoke up again. “Oh, yeah. If you want us to let you out, all you gotta to do is let us cut your hair for you! No big deal, I have scissors.” The two little brats outside cackled. It was radio silence in the locker to my right. I knew what was happening; the younger me was freaking out, having been trapped in a locker, but adamantly didn’t want his hair cut. Eventually, fear would win.

“Fine…” A weak voice to my right relented. I had lost the battle back then. They’d cut my hair short and uneven. My classmates had made fun of me for weeks afterward. My dad refused to help me fix it up. He didn’t like the fact that his son couldn’t stand up for himself. He was already ashamed of me.

The distinct sound of a locker latch jolted me out of my reverie and the door in front of me swung open. I gladly stepped out and found myself on my middle school’s football field. Among all of the larger boys it was easy to spot the odd man out. My pre-teen counterpart was shorter than all of the other players and was only there to appease his parents. This was the day we ran tackle exercises. The coach had pulled me aside because I was consistently being steam-rolled.

“Kid, you gotta hit them back. What the hell are you doing?” The coach was exasperated, sick of saying the same thing again and again.

“I don’t want to. I-I don’t want to hit them.” The coach sighed at my words.

“Look here, if you’re not serious about playing, I’ll just call your dad and have him pick you up.” My face went pale. Even back then, I knew what that phone call would mean. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t let that happen. My younger self shook his head vigorously at the coach’s proposal. “Fine, but you’ve gotta put in some effort, kid… or I’m making the call.”

My younger self donned his helmet and lined up with another player. The coach blew his whistle and I charged forward, powered by fear and adrenaline. I collided with the other player and the larger kid fell to the ground. I immediately stopped and took a knee by the other kid. “Are you alright?”

The coach smacked his forehead with his palm, growling at the sky. “You don’t stop and ask the other player how they’re doing. For god’s sake, kid!”

The coach hadn’t called my father that day. It was less out of mercy and more out of just not wanting to deal with me already. I hadn’t lasted long in football. I was off the team by the time of the first game. My father wasn’t happy about that.

The coach blew his whistle again, only this time the noise was higher and shrill. My ears felt like they were being stabbed and I reflexively grabbed them, closing my eyes to try and dull the pain. When I opened my eyes again, I was in an office. A recent version of myself sat on a couch, surrounded by at least a dozen people in office chairs. Some of them looked professional, others casual. Some of them held clipboards, while some held pictures or charts; some held nothing as they gestured wildly with their hands. All of their voices blended together in a low chant as the past me sat on the couch and stared through them with glassed-over eyes.

This was not how this memory had played out, obviously. I guess this part of my life just seemed to blend together. After the night I had tried to come out, I was sent to see therapists, counselors, clergymen; you name a vocation that talks to distressed individuals professionally and I probably saw at least one of them. Each was different and took a different approach to “fixing” me. I know that there are many professionals out there who aren’t biased, but you have to understand that this lot had been cherry-picked for a purpose. I was broken and needed to be repaired. Every single one of those people made me feel like an idiot. They fed my already powerful self-doubt. They convinced me that I was being manipulated, made to believe I was someone I wasn’t. How gullible did I have to be to actually think I was supposed to be a girl? How weak did I have to be to want to give up being a man?

To my credit, I had stood my ground for quite a while against them. I didn’t go quietly and put up a hell of a fight. Some of them actually started to feel for me, to understand where I was coming from. Not many of them, of course, but a few started to legitimately listen to what I was saying. Unfortunately, whenever they showed even an ounce of understanding, I knew it was the last time I’d see them. Two years of people beating an idea into your head can make you believe a lot of things. Two years of a never-ending cycle changes a person.

The office door opened and I walked through it, eager to escape from that place once again. I was back in the circular room. The torches nearest the second door immolated, and when I checked, the door was nowhere to be seen. Rose stalked around the still darkened third of the room. She seemed averse to the light. After watching her pace to and fro for a time, I noticed she kept her distance from the light and the final door in equal measure. It was obvious that she had little love for what was kept inside.

Rose and I stayed in our odd stalemate for a time. She didn’t want to get near me while I stayed in the firelight and I didn’t want to get near her at all. I waited in the room, hoping for something to happen, for some new path to open. Yes, I was extremely afraid of the final door, sue me. Each door seemed to represent the memories I had buried along with Rose. The first door had contained Rose’s memories of Lilith. The second door contained Rose’s memories of the world. It didn’t take a genius to figure out where the third would lead. I would have given anything not to have to step through the door, to not have to face him again.

“Rose, I need to go through that door. Please let me through.” Eventually, I decided that I had met my limit on being a coward, at least for now. My voice was shaking, my palms were sweating, and I had a stomach ache like you wouldn’t believe, but damnit, I had to hurry the hell up and get this over with.

“You’re asking me for a favor? Really? How did you think this was going to play out?” Just as sassy as I would have been; she really was a part of me.

“I know you don’t like me--”

“Understatement of the year right there.”

“Alright, you hate my guts. I deserve that. So let me make things right, or at least try to. I’m here because I want to accept you.” Rose rolled her eyes at this.

“Well, I’m so sorry my existence is such an inconvenience that you have to go out of your way to make peace with my presence. Honestly, do you think about what you’re going to say or do you just kind of throw words out there and hope they sound nice?” I really didn’t have an answer for that. “If you really want to go through this door, suit yourself; I won’t stop you.”

After a few seconds of debating whether or not this was a trick, I stepped out of the light and towards the final door. True to her word, Rose made way for me and watched me from a distance. When I was within a couple feet of the door, the chains sealing it fell to the floor and I heard the heavy sound of a lock being released on the other side. I pushed the door open slightly and stared at the opening for a few seconds, trying desperately to psych myself up again. “Be careful in there.” Rose offered those words while looking away from me. I nodded at her before finally stepping through.