Thalia slammed her fourth shot glass onto the counter while exhaling dramatically. Not wanting to be outdone, I followed suit; feeling the burn of whatever the hell she ordered as it traveled down my throat and settled in my stomach. I hadn’t begun to feel the effects of the drinks yet, but I could already tell my body would have its terrible vengeance tomorrow. My impending doom was further solidified as Thalia ordered another lineup of shots.

“Wow, we’re going really hard right out of the gate, huh?” This was me trying to act tough, when what I really wanted to ask was: Are you fucking kidding me? Is the goal to black out within the hour? You know I have the tolerance of a high school freshman, have I wronged you in some way?

“Damn right we are!” That was not the answer I was hoping for. I knew I was in no way required to drink the shots before me… but I kind of was. There was peer pressure and then there was ‘your ex you really wanted to be friends with was trying to get you drunk off your ass’ pressure. Yeah, I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the bin, but I was about to be the drunkest skunk in the trunk.

I matched Thalia drink for drink until I had lost the ability to count the shots I was ingesting. At that point, all the sensible side of my brain could do was hope for a good friend to come over and take control of the situation.

“Holy hell, what demons are you drinking under the table?” Sasha sat down on the unoccupied stool to my left while Thalia rocked back and forth on the seat to my right.

“Those would be my demons!” Thalia proudly proclaimed, holding her hand up and waiving to ensure she received credit for her answer. When Thalia caught sight of Sasha she nearly fell backward and grounded all four legs of her stool. “Oh my god, Za-sha?!”

Sasha made a face I’d never seen her make before; it was a combination of disgust, fear, and hatred. It was a face so frightening it scared the soul right out of my body. Luckily, I had been drinking quite a few spirits and had some to spare. “Oh... it’s you.” If I had been in my right mind, I would have noticed how unbelievably out of character this was for Sasha. Our band’s lovely not-groupie was one of the friendliest people I’d ever met. She basically got along with everybody, yet went corpse cold within seconds of seeing Thalia.

“It’s me!” It was safe to say that Thalia was either oblivious or too drunk to care.

“What’s up, Sasha?” I asked, trying to break the ice queen.

“Well, I was gonna tell you that your show was slightly less awful than usual today… but since little Miss Thalia is here, I guess I want to congratulate her on her brief and unsuccessful solo career up there. Really inspiring stuff.” Having been significantly liquored up, I didn’t recognize the danger I was in, sitting between two women about to tear each other's throats out. Instead of beating a hasty retreat, I tried to flag down the bartender to order some greasy bar food.

“Oh, looks like someone’s still bitter after all these years. That’d be cute if it wasn’t so pathetic.” Don’t ask me how Thalia was still lucid enough to come up with snappy comebacks, I was halfway to la-la land waiting for a burger I didn’t realize hadn’t been ordered yet.

“And it looks like someone is still just as amazing at alienating her friends as she used to be.” This wasn’t her usual combative nature; Sasha was going for the throat right off the bat.

“Oh, god, did I do something wrong?” I asked, only really picking up on half of the words being said.

“No, Joe, just lay down for now, okay?” Sasha slid her purse under my head as I dropped it onto the bar. All I remember of the next couple of hours was how comfortable a purse pillow was in a pinch and a few scattered words here and there.

Bitch… still lying… years before you… pathetic… jealous… petty… again. All of these words managed to cut through the metaphorical fog in distorted tones that masked their speaker.

“Joe, Joe get up. The bar is closing, we gotta go.” I woke up to Thalia’s face inches from mine. What a familiar and welcome sight. I slowly lifted my head from the hard wooden bar. However long I was out, it was enough to sober me up to the point of standing without assistance. Walking, however, was another story. Staggering towards the door, Thalia grabbed my arm and helped me along. “You know, you make for a really pathetic drinking buddy,” Thalia laughed as we exited the building and were blasted by a sudden gust of cold.

“I know… I’m shorry.” My words were still slurred and I had an overwhelming desire to just lie down on the sidewalk and go to sleep again. Before truly getting to entertain this idea, three people rushed to catch up with us.

“Captain, got your latest conquest blitzed enough to fuck you?” The drummer from Thoughtless Crime slung his arm around me. “Hey kid, I’d run if I were you, she’s got a hell of a reputation on the road.”

“Yeah, I’m surprised she’s even still allowed in bars after the shit she pulled.” The bassist peeked over the drummer’s shoulder with a Cheshire Cat smile.

“Fuck off,” Thalia snarled at the group. Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed laughed at her rage.

“Looks like we struck a nerve; truth hurts, don’t it?” The drummer pulled me closer. “And with another lead singer; you certainly do have a type.”

Now I had been silent in all of this because I was still trying to catch up and figure out what was going on. Let’s just say not all the lights were on upstairs, but it was becoming increasingly obvious that the pricks who ruined Thalia’s night were still harassing her. I’m typically not a rash or violent person but you have to understand that at that point there was more alcohol in me than sense. “Hey… shut the hell up.” I let go of Thalia and stuck my leg out. The drummer tripped over my outstretched appendage and dragged me down with him onto the ground. I kicked his flank to get him to release me and tried to stand on unsteady legs. The little drummer boy, who was much less intoxicated than I, got up faster and introduced his fist to my solar plexus, knocking the wind out of me. I deflated like a balloon and crumpled to the floor, clutching the space beneath my chest and gasping for air.

“Cut it out, Paul,” Thalia growled. Paul, the drummer, laughed at her request.

“Oh come on, he’s the one who wanted to play it like this. Who am I to deny him?” I felt a heavy impact on my stomach as Paul kicked it, caving it in slightly. What little air I had left was forced from my lungs and I struggled not to vomit on the spot. I rolled over and Thalia put herself between me and her band. “Oh, Captain, are you volunteering yourself too?”

Forcing my wobbly limbs to respect my will, I managed to plant one foot on the ground and raised myself back up to position somewhere between standing and kneeling. “Leave… her… alone,” I choked through ragged breaths.

It may have been my imagination (or the inebriation) at work, but I could have sworn I heard a bell announcing the commencement of round two. Thalia threw me a pitying glance that pissed me off enough to get me back on both of my feet. Paul and the guitarists began approaching us. Just as I was seeing my bland and rather uneventful life flash before my eyes, the bar’s door swung open and the bouncers burst out. They quickly put themselves between our groups and quelled whatever fighting spirit Paul and the boys had with a single glare. The dive’s owner popped his gloriously shiny head out of the door and simply said, “No fighting near the bar. I don’t need the cops poking around here any more than they already do. You wanna kill each other, do it at O’Halligan’s across the highway!”

With their momentum broken and fury abated, Thalia’s band retreated. The bouncers saw that the situation was basically resolved and returned to their post in the bar. Everyone else’s exit left Thalia and me alone; she offered to take me back to my place, and I begrudgingly accepted. After all was said and done, I felt pathetic. I was pathetic. A friend needed me and I’d failed on every conceivable level. I led Thalia back to my place and asked her if she wanted to crash for the night. Considering the time and her non-willingness to drive under the influence, she accepted. As a gracious host, I did the last thing I could possibly do for Thalia and offered her the bed while I took over my loveseat. Sleep found me mercifully quickly and the night finally ended.

When I woke up the next morning, it felt like all seven dwarves were planting their pickaxes in my forehead simultaneously. As my eyes adjusted to light once more, I noticed a lovely pile of sickness in the trash can next to my couch. The sight of said vomit inspired the second wave, because you know what they say about painting, you gotta use multiple coats for full and smooth coverage. Someone stirred in my bed and it took half a minute of panic before I remembered that Thalia had spent the night.

“Good morning, sleeping beau-- oh shit, did you vomit again?” Thalia rolled out of my bed and walked towards my bathroom. “I ain’t cleaning that shit up, but I’ll get you some aspirin; still in the medicine cabinet?”

“Yes… thank you.” While Thalia was in the bathroom I tried to mentally piece together the previous night. My band played, her band played… kind of, we drank, I got my ass kicked, I puked. Recap done; damn, that was concise. Thalia came out with a glass of water and a pill. I gratefully consumed both and sat up while pushing the puke can away with my foot and making room for Thalia to sit. “I am such a shitty friend.”

“No, you’re not. You’re a godawful drinker, but you were trying to cheer me up.” Thalia smiled and rubbed my back. Since when was she so kind and gentle? It was throwing me off.

“Yeah, I was supposed to be helping you and instead you ended up having to take care of me.”

“Was it ideal? No, but you stood up for me, and that meant a lot… despite the results. You cared enough to willingly put yourself through this. In a twisted way, that’s actually kind of sweet.” Twisted and sweet, basically what I strive for in life, so mission accomplished, I guess.

After my headache subsided a bit and I regained most of my humanity, I noticed that Thalia had been uncharacteristically quiet. I mean, I was silent too, but that’s only because any noise had been like a thunderstorm in my head. Thalia was looking at my face; actually, looking was the wrong word. Thalia was studying my face intensely. She scanned up and down every centimeter of my features, again and again, making me exceedingly self-conscious. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“Just confirming something.” Well, that’s not ominous at all.

“Confirming what?” Was there something on my face? Had she just then noticed how unbearably ugly I was? Had she developed cannibalistic tendencies while on the road and contemplated making me her next meal?

“Well, I’ll be damned,” she said, answering none of my questions. She shifted her gaze directly at my eyes. “Please don’t be mad, but I saw something while getting that aspirin.”

Saw what? It’s not like I keep severed heads in my medicine cabinet. All that was in there were some cotton swabs, pain pills, razors, and my hormo-- oh shit. No, how would she know what those were? I just had to play this cool. “Fuck.” Boom, the coolness of a cucumber chilled in the fiery depths of hell.

“I -- I had no idea. Since when, I mean, how long were… is this recent?” Somehow, Thalia seemed just as flustered as I was. That was quite the accomplishment considering all I wanted to do was hop out of my window and run into the nearest highway. This was not supposed to happen, not yet, not like this.

The tone of the morning had completely shifted. Kindness was partially replaced by inquisitiveness and both Thalia and I sat up and at attention, facing each other on the cramped couch. “Um, the pills have been a thing for about a year now. I wanted them a lot longer, but yeah, life’s weird.” I cut myself off there. In situations such as this, I had a tendency to ramble and gracefully shove my foot into my mouth.

“So, while we were together?” Yup, and years before that. Hell, I’d been tossing around the idea of transitioning since my friend, Zachary, came out to me in seventh grade. I nodded, silently conceding the truth. All of the muscles in my body tensed as I braced for her reaction. Thalia was always a bit of a wildcard and it was difficult to anticipate her reaction to news like this.

“That’s amazing! You should have told me before!” Thalia sprung across the couch and enveloped me in a giant hug. Yup, didn’t see this one coming. “Holy crap, I never would have thought! You were always… well, you always acted like such a dude.”

“Well yeah, I am kind of a dude-like… a dudette? Is that a word?” I finally managed a smile. She was… accepting. This feeling was indescribable, a revelation. For years I had struggled against the idea that the world would reject me. My fears slowly closing in around me like the walls of an iconic space fortress’ trash compactor. I pushed and pushed against them but to no avail and just as all hope seemed lost, a single act of compassion brought it all to a halt. Even if the world at large would judge me there was at least one person who was on my side, and sometimes all you really needed was one person to restore your faith.

Thalia laughed and all of the tension left my body as I hugged her back, “And may I ask for the name of this lovely dudette?” My name. So many people ask for or use your name in a given day, but this may have been the first time someone had asked for MY name.

Reluctantly ending our entwinement, I back up slightly to meet Thalia eye to eye. “Jane, Jane Garcia.” Until that moment, I had no idea how good saying a name could feel. Simply by saying it out loud, I had given myself fully to my true identity. Yes, I wasn’t quite ready to give up the Joe act in public, and yes, I wasn’t going to suddenly start coming out to everyone around me... but I was Jane. To this point, it was the truest form of self-acceptance I had ever granted myself and it was wonderful. I felt an unfamiliar warmth spread from my chest out into my arms and up my neck. This moment carved itself into my memory as one of the single most validating experiences of my life.

“That’s a lovely name. Well, it’s very nice to re-meet you, Jane.” Thalia smiled and touched my shoulder. Somehow, hearing her say my name was even better than saying it myself. I just wanted to record her saying it to play back on bad days.

We talked for a few hours about everything. When I first felt this way, how I knew, what hiding it was like, what I hoped the end of transition would look like, and a multitude of subjects just like these. Thalia let me lead most of the conversation, only really stopping me to ask questions and gain clarification. She sat quietly and listened to me release everything I’d been hiding from the world for years in one great cathartic speech. I won’t lie, there were tears; mostly mine, of course. The two of us ordered a pizza and spoke more in one morning than we probably would have in a month of our failed relationship.

“So, you’ve been on hormones for a year but you still haven’t really done anything else towards transition?” Thalia asked this with no judgment in her voice.

“I’ve been trying to practice my voice in here, and sometimes I go clothes shopping online… I don’t really buy anything, but that’s beside the point.”

“Did you want to be doing more?” Thalia’s eyes gazed gently into mine. This was a Thalia I had never known before. She was so soft and made me feel safe in a way nobody had before.

“Absolutely, I just… I don’t know. I can’t bring myself to do anything else. I mean, maybe if I had some help or something--” That was obviously just what Thalia was waiting for; the corners of her mouth quickly pulled up into a grin.

“Well, Cinderella, I’d love to Fairy Godmother the shit out of you. You know, if you’d have me.” If I’d have her? She had to be joking. Nobody in their right my would refuse that offer. Hell, I wasn’t about to refuse it and I didn’t have a right mind to be in.

Nodding vigorously, I smiled like an idiot and answered, “I would love that. Thank you, Thalia.”

“It will be my genuine pleasure, Jane.” Yup, wasn’t gonna get tired of hearing that any time soon.