Keith roared in frustration as his character was flung far off of the screen before exploding into a brilliant flash of blue light. “No! Unfair, you can’t just shoot an energy blast at me fifty times and then kick me off the stage. Who the hell brings a laser gun to a sword fight? That’s just dishonorable. Uh-uh, rematch, now!” Keith had dropped his controller and ran his hands through his hair during the last fleeting moments of his combatant's life. I sat on the couch next to him snickering; few things in this world were as delicious as the salt from sore losers. “This time, try to use a character that isn’t complete bullshit.” If it wasn’t clear, Keith had a bit of a competitive streak to him. He was also a glutton for punishment, perpetually convinced that his first win was right around the corner.

“Ha, maybe you just need to get better. I’m sick of watching one-sided matches between you two, doesn’t even seem sporting at this point,” Raymond interjected as he tossed back the last of his fifth beer. Our band’s drummer was lying on his side in front of the couch, content to watch Keith and me play Super Smash Bros, a massive crossover fighting game, while he slowly worked his way up to a gentle buzz. Raymond threw the now-empty can over his shoulder, forcing me to duck out of the way to avoid being hit. Sometimes I couldn’t tell if Raymond was really that careless or if he was secretly Mr. Miyagi-ing me to become a ninja in the future.

As the can clattered on the wooden floor, I heard a heavy book hit the dining room table behind us. “Hey jackasses, if you’re all going to insist on invading my home, the least you can do is keep it clean.” Max, who had been off to the side studying for another med school exam, was growing increasingly frustrated with our presence. He was too nice for his own good and, despite needing to cram almost every day, still let us hang out at his place. “Buncha goddamn savages.” He picked up his book and buried his face in it once more. I could tell he was reading something important to his future, not just because he was annoyed by our distracting ways, but also because I couldn’t even venture a guess as to how the title of the text was pronounced.

Raymond clicked his tongue as he cracked open the last survivor of his six-pack. I set down my controller and stood up, feeling my back pop pleasantly as I stretched for the first time in hours. “Well, I’d love to stay here kicking your ass all day, but I gotta go meet Thalia soon.” Keith rolled his eyes at the mention of Thalia’s name. Despite it being two months since Thalia and I got back together officially, Keith still hadn’t let go of what happened. “You know, I could do without the attitude everytime I bring her up. Just because you and Eva never have any problems doesn’t mean the rest of us mortals in comparatively imperfect relationships have it that easy.”

Keith sighed in a frustration that had obviously built over time before standing to face me. “Don’t give me that shit. Every relationship has ups and downs, it’s just that most don’t involve a spontaneous two-year absence while the chick goes off to screw some other guy. How the hell did you just let go of that so quickly?” I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back anger at his words. He wasn’t wrong, necessarily, but he didn’t know everything that was at play. Releasing the fist I hadn’t realized I made, I let out a calming breath. Thalia and I had talked about what happened at length a few times. What she did wasn’t kosher, we were all on the same page about that, but we’d worked through it; hopefully, Keith could also do so in time. Without a word, I brushed past him and made my way to the door. “Joe, I’m sorry. It’s just… you don’t think straight when it comes to Thalia. It feels like she has you wrapped around her finger and it’s not right. You can do a lot better.” Goddamnit. Keith could piss me off like so few others could.

“Drop it.” I had turned around to glare daggers at my best friend as I issued my warning. Keith held his hands up in mock surrender as if to say “I’m just saying.” The room was unnaturally quiet for any space occupied by our band.

“Speaking of doing better, how ‘bout that Sasha chick? Talk about sexy, I’d love for her to meet the Ray-gun.” Raymond laughed heartily at his own crass humor while Max pinched the bridge of his nose. My face twisted involuntarily.

“And you wonder why you’re still single. Maybe stop acting like a damn ape and you would do more with your dick than just talk about and polish it.” Keith and I couldn’t help but chuckle at that quip. Raymond jumped to his feet, staggering a bit, the beers finally having some effect.

“You wanna go little guy?” Raymond put up his fists like an old-timey boxer.

“No, I want you all to go. Go home. I swear if I fail this practical I’ll lobotomize every last one of you.” Max’s questionable ethics aside, the jovial atmosphere of the room naturally reestablished itself and I silently excused myself. As I walked home, I couldn’t help but feel irritated. I was annoyed by Keith’s concern, annoyed by my own inability to think of a rebuttal and annoyed by the fact I agreed with him on some level.

***

After much sweet-talk, persuasion, and a couple of shots of liquid courage, Thalia had gotten me to agree to her insane date night idea. “I am so excited for tonight, love,” Thalia excitedly exclaimed while weaving between traffic at a breakneck and highly illegal speed. We, and by we I mean Thalia, had decided it was about time I went out as Jane… for real. Now for the obvious ‘I don’t want everyone I know to know about this yet’ reason, Thalia had suggested we go to a club a couple of towns over. After I tried and failed to come up with a good reason not to go through with this, we piled into Thalia’s car and began our journey; a journey that we could have charged adrenaline junkies a mint to take with us because, holy shit, we were flirting with death! The streetlights along the highway passed us so quickly they created a strobe light effect in the car which somehow kept pace with my accelerated heart rate. My date for the evening tried to keep a conversation alive but I was a bit distracted making peace with every god I’d ever heard of before; after all, it’s always a good idea to hedge your bets.

We made it to the shitty little motel we had booked for the night and went in to get ready. For a one star resort, the place was quite cozy. The mattress only had a few stains on it and I only saw a couple of pairs of roaches fornicating around the room, it was a huge step up from my last vacation. Before I got a chance to fully take in the ambiance of peeling wallpaper and torn carpet, I was dragged into the bathroom and, after covering the seat in an entire roll of toilet paper, sat on the porcelain throne so that Thalia could do her thing.

Thalia worked with chilling speed and focus. Her hands seemed to handle each brush, sponge and stick with the practiced ease of a surgeon performing a delicate operation. It felt strange having so many things poking, brushing, sweeping, and blotting my face while being unable to catch a glimpse of what was going on in the mirror. After she seemed satisfied with her work on my face, she shifted her focus to my hair; brushing, pulling, and pinning with wild abandon as I wondered if other women went through this whole song and dance all the time. After almost an hour total in the most disgusting and moldy bathroom I’d ever experienced, Thalia stood up with a triumphant and giddy smile. “Holy shit… my girlfriend is hotter than I am.” Unable to take the suspense a single moment longer, I launched myself off of the can and straight in front of the cracked and stained mirror available.

Wow.

I was by no means hotter than Thalia. Hell, I’m pretty sure I didn’t even make it to the ballpark of hot. No, I looked like a pretty average if not slightly cute woman. And you know what? I was more than happy with that. Hell, I was goddamn ecstatic. For the first time in my life, a mirror had gotten it absolutely right. This was Jane. This was me. Small beads of tears began forming in my eyes and Thalia wrapped her arms around me from behind. She poked her head over my shoulder so we were both side by side in the mirror. “Don’t cry now, love, you’ll mess up my handiwork,” she gently cooed in my ear, and I nodded slightly in response.

“Thank you.” Simple, yes, but they were the only words that could possibly work in the situation. I was filled with an unbelievable gratitude for Thalia; everything she’d done for me, everything she’d encouraged me to do, she really was magic. After the big reveal, the two of us rushed through getting dressed up and ready to go. I was wearing a tight black dress which showed off what little hip and bust I had while Thalia wore a stunning yellow dress which seemed to blend into her light green hair for an almost mystical aesthetic. The two of us hopped back into Thalia’s car and hightailed it to Four Doors Up, an up and coming club in the area.

When we arrived at the club, I was disheartened to see a line extending around the building. I sighed and started walking towards the end when Thalia grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. “What the hell are you doing?” she asked as if I’d suddenly begun speaking tongues and vomiting up pea soup.

“I was going to get in line… so we can get into the club… and dance and drink and stuff.” I mean, that much should have been obvious, right? Thalia just kind of chuckled at my response before shooting me a sly wink.

“Aww, that’s adorable; you really don’t get how this works, do you?” My date gently grabbed my hand and led me to the door. The bouncer took one long, uncomfortably thorough look at us before smirking and nodding. The large man opened the door and gestured for us to enter, his eyes glued to my ass on the way in. I didn’t know how to feel about that. I mean, hooray validation, but that was kind of uncomfortable.

Once we were inside I stopped Thalia. “Hey, was that bouncer guy checking me out?” Thalia looked around me at the man who was somehow not tired of the view yet.

“Well. it certainly seems that way. Welcome to womanhood -- it’s one of those things you’ll just have to get used to… especially being as cute as you are.” Thalia snaked her arm around my waist and pulled me close to her. “I guess I’ll just have to make it abundantly clear to everyone else that you’re my date, won’t I?” I could feel myself blushing and Thalia cackled at my shyness. She gave me a peck on the cheek and led me onto the crowded dance floor.

The two of us carved out our own small space and set up camp dancing with one another, laughing and stealing quick kisses when we thought nobody was looking. Thalia seemed to be having the time of her life grinding against me and teasing me relentlessly -- not that I minded a moment of it, of course. However, the highlight of my night was, without a doubt, being myself. Every now and then I would notice someone staring at me, but it wasn’t in judgment or disgust. They knew I was a woman; I was no longer being pegged as Joe, and it was the most liberating feeling in the world.

When the DJ switched tracks to a song neither Thalia or I cared for, we made our way to the bar to recharge and refuel. The bartender came right up to us an asked, “Can I help you ladies?” Ladies… that one word just made me feel so right. People I didn’t know, who had never heard of Joe, were seeing Jane. To them, that’s all I was, just Jane. Thalia and I sat at the bar for a while; we received a few drinks compliments of other patrons from around the club and Thalia had to turn away a couple of potential suitors. Before heading back out to the dance floor, nature (and the beers) took its due course and we headed to the head.

Out of sheer habit, I almost entered the men’s room before Thalia stopped me and redirected me to the women’s restroom. After finding relief I started washing my hands when a woman in a turquoise top entered the washroom. She was sweaty and panting but still shot me a courtesy smile as she came in. She stood near the sink and rummaged through her clutch for a few seconds before throwing her head back. “Fuck!” She was obviously a little inebriated. She took a few steps toward me before making sad puppy dog eyes in my direction. “Hey, you got any tampons… or pads? Anything’ll do at this point.”

Now I’d been practicing my voice for a while. It wasn’t perfect by any means but it was decent. It was passable. However, I didn’t use my voice all of the time in everyday life. Hell, outside of my time with Thalia and Sasha I never used my real voice. So at some point, I was bound to slip, and that time was nigh. “I’m sorry, I don’t have any,” I said in my ‘Joe’ voice. The woman in turquoise took another look at me, from top to bottom, examining every inch thoroughly. Shit.

The woman looked back up at my face, fury in her eyes. “Get out.” Her mouth twitched as she formed the words. I had been clocked. I opened my mouth to speak but she stepped closer and yelled this time, “Get the fuck out, freak!”

Thalia, who had been waiting for me near the restroom’s entrance, was on us in an instant. “Excuse me, and who the hell do you think you are?” Thalia matched the woman’s volume and intensity. My mind was still reeling from what I had just done. I had outed myself; after all of Thalia’s hard work, the illusion was shattered. Midnight had struck, the carriage was a pumpkin, and Cinderella was a dude once more.

“I’m someone who actually belongs in this room,” the woman responded, her eyes still glaring at mine, completely ignoring my date. That’s right, I didn’t belong. It didn’t matter what I looked like. It didn’t matter who I was. I was damned at birth to be an imposter wherever I went.

Thalia stepped in front of the woman, obstructing her view of me. “Well, excuse me, but I think my girlfriend has just as much right to be here as anyone else.” Thalia looked like she was about ready to deck the woman. Given Thalia’s scrappy personality, it was a distinct possibility. A couple more women entered the restroom and suddenly the spacious area was one hundred times too small. I didn’t want anybody to hear what was happening, I didn’t want anybody to see me and to figure it out as turquoise did. I just wanted to leave.

Gently grabbing Thalia’s shoulder I whispered, “Thalia, let’s just go… please.” Thalia looked up at me like I was betraying her.

“No. You’re a woman and this is the women’s room. This bitch needs to have her head examined if she thinks anything is wrong with you being here.” The two newcomers stared at the unfolding scene and I had to fight the urge to curl up into a ball and melt into the floor. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. This was a nightmare that had kept me up at night on many occasions, and now it was my life.

“Fuck you and your creepy boyfriend here. I don’t want y’all in here. You can leave or I’m calling security.” The woman in turquoise put her foot down dramatically and stared down Thalia. I thought I was going to throw up. The pattern on the tile seemed to warp and sway in waves and stars clouded my vision. My breathing grew labored and I could feel myself sweating through every pore. Not bothering to ask Thalia again, I ran out of the bathroom and then out of the club. Tears started streaming down my face, no doubt ruining all of Thalia’s work. After reaching Thalia’s car I squatted down and hugged my knees trying to get my breathing under control.

A minute later Thalia found me and brought me into a tight hug. “Fuck that bitch. Let’s back in there and--”

“NO!” My monosyllabic response came out as a cross between a scream and a sob. “I’m done. I’m done. Please, just take me home.” Everything was going so well, it had been such a great night; then I had to go and ruin everything with a stupid mistake. It was an eye-opening experience. Even if all seems well, all it takes is one mistake, one seemingly innocuous error, to bring it all crashing down. The world is a cruel and fucked up place like that.

Thalia didn’t try to convince me to stay beyond that. We piled into her car, went back to the motel to change, and started heading home. The car ride back was much slower, and much quieter. At around the halfway mark of our journey, Thalia broke the silence. “I’m sorry. I just couldn’t stand that cunt trying to push you around like that. We should have stayed; you’re a woman, and if she has a problem accepting that, it’s her own goddamn problem.” I appreciated what Thalia was saying, really I did. Unfortunately, I was not in the mood for consolation and wasn’t exactly feeling too high on myself or my situation.

“That’s easy for you to say.” My ‘Joe’ voice made a rare return in Thalia’s presence. “You don’t get it. You’ll never get it. You can say these things, be so sure of everything, so perfectly positive, because it isn’t you. This hasn’t been your life. This hasn’t been your pain. You’re a witness to someone bearing their cross and want to comment on how light it is; well, it’s not. Trust me. I just feel… fake.” I could see Thalia’s expression darken from the corner of my eye. Neither of us looked at the other; Thalia was watching the road, and I refused to watch Thalia cry tears that I had caused.

“I love you, Jane. I’m sorry.” Her voice was weaker than I’d ever heard it before. I didn’t say anything for the remainder of the ride until I was exiting her car and even then all I offered was a curt goodnight.

The next morning, I woke up to the welcome prospect of a day to myself. I checked my phone and saw two missed calls from Thalia from the night before. I briefly considered calling her back before putting my phone away. It was selfish and immature, but I wasn’t quite ready to face up to yesterday yet. About an hour into ‘Jane’s Mental Health Day™’, there was a knock at my door. Damnit. A cold front had blown in this morning, ushering in the coming winter and even if I didn’t want to see Thalia, I wasn’t about to leave her out in freezing weather. Slowly, I rolled off of my couch and shuffled my way to the front door. I unlocked the deadbolt and released the chain, but before I could even open the door, it was swung open on its own and a shivering tuft of red hair blasted past me into my apartment. “Well d-damn, it t-took you long enough to answer! I would have been a s-snow cone in a few seconds.” Sasha bolted into my home and posted up right next to my space heater while I closed and locked the doors.

“Geez, welcome, make yourself at home,” I said, my words dripping with sarcasm. Sasha was still rubbing her hands together and huddled by my heater.

“Already did, but thanks for offering, pal. Oh, got any blankets, or hot cocoa?” Five minutes later, Sasha and I were both sitting next to the heater with blankets and hot cocoa. I was nothing if not a gracious involuntary host.

“Not that you’re not a joy to be around, but why are you here?” Sasha loved to drop by places unannounced, but she also had the cold-bloodedness of a reptile. She never left the house when the weather dipped below sixty unless absolutely necessary.

“Ah, well, She-who-I-will-not-name called and told me you were having a bad time and that I might be in a unique position to help you out. For once, and I feel dirty saying this, I agree with her.” Wait Thalia had called Sasha and Sasha responded? No wonder the temperature had dropped, hell must have frozen over. “Anyway, I’m here to help in any way I can, buddy. Shoot.”

For some reason, Sasha seemed extra high strung today. She was never a paragon of calmness, but she seemed downright nervous today.

Well, might as well make this quick. “Look, I already told Thalia that she doesn’t understand. It’s something I gotta deal with. I’ll be fine, I just need a little time. Nothing to worry about, you can report back to She-who-you-will-not-name just that. There’s nothing you can do.”

Sasha looked at me with annoyance. “And why the hell do you think I can’t help you?” Well, I thought the answer was blatantly obvious, but I guess not.

“It’s a transgender thing, okay? You wouldn’t get it. I just… I need to work through some things, okay?” Sasha looked down into her mug. She opened her mouth a few times without saying anything until finally, she seemed to steel her resolve and lifted her head.

“Jane, when I met you, what was my name?” My brain ground to a halt. Was this a trick question? Sasha was always Sasha, from the day she tackled me in the quad.

“Umm, Sasha? I mean, it has always been Sasha, right? Unless you have some kind of secret agent alter ego or something, I’m pretty sure you’ve always been Sasha.” The redhead before me generously chuckled at my lame nearly nonsensical quip before going quiet again. “Hey, you still here? What’s this about?”

Sasha stared through me as she thought on something. She started speaking again while staring intently over my shoulder. “Well, you’re right, I’ve always been Sasha. However, you didn’t meet me as Sasha, not the first time anyway.” Finally, her eyes met mine, more somber than I thought she could be. “I’m not sure if you’d even remember, but you met me a while ago… as Zach.”