Acceptance of the Self

Book 1: Attunement of the Hearts

Chapter 46.A - In Her Shoes

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Aiden

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[ - Tuesday, September 17, 2019 - 12:45pm - Anderson House - ]

 

Our ‘down time’ with our vampiric friends turns out to be quite productive in my opinion. We talk about our interests, our lives, and our shared love for Sky and Eve long into the night. Jay proposes we enjoy the cool end-of-summer night air by bringing a bunch of folding chairs out to the backyard and getting a bonfire going that we can all sit and chat around. Everyone’s nervous, especially the kids. 

 

Er, the young adults, I suppose. 

 

Two newly out trans girls and one dead cis boy, all of them looking to us elders for confidence and support. Ellie& and Dawn sit close together by the fire, clearly enjoying each other’s closeness. Trevor sits near them, the three of them occasionally whispering to each other while the rest of us talk. 

 

Jay is, as always, doing wonderfully under pressure. After some prodding from the vampires to divulge any information he has about their kind, he calmly leads a discussion about the origins of the myths of vampirism - as he’s read about the subject - while we’re all sitting in the flickering shadows of the firelight. He talks of various ancient creatures that appeared very differently from the pale, gaunt vampires in European folklore today. The core similarities between all the proto-vampire tales, he sums up, are the consuming of life-force (usually via the drinking of blood), generally being considered ‘evil’, and often being portrayed as demonic in nature.

 

In return, the vampires share what little they know of the real history of their people. Deirdre explains that in prehistory sometime, a powerful mortal sorcerer or group of sorcerers tried to transmute their bodies into something invincible and immortal. Their enchantment went wrong however, and turned them into the first of the vampires. 

 

 

 

[ - cw: confinement, intense pain - ]

 

 

 

The curse, as Deirdre calls it, renders them functionally immortal but far from invincible. They have enhanced strength, speed, and perception, and an ability to heal wounds extremely efficiently, but they also gain a weakness to things that disrupt magic. Silver weapons are excruciatingly painful to them, for example, and Audre chimes in that she’s almost certain the chains Ellie& had seen on Eve contain some amount of silver to keep her contained and subdued like they’d seen. A horrific thought; there are quite a few perturbed faces around our little bonfire circle.

 

 

 

[ - end cw - ]

 

 

 

Deirdre then goes on to explain that she and all other vampires are almost entirely cut off from their emotions. They still have emotions, but they’re muted, without the capacity to overwhelm them in any meaningful way. Audre adds that it’s likely because of the lack of circulation in their bodies; there are no biological levers for emotions to pull on any longer except during and shortly after feeding. Jay comments that it sounds like they have chronic alexithymia, the inability to properly feel or express their emotions, and there are some nods from the vampires after he explains it in more depth.

 

Eventually it comes time for bed, and our fanged friends get up to leave, along with Claire, around nine pm. They help Jay, Dawn, Ellie& and I put out the fire and put away the chairs and put out the fire before they go.

 

Once it’s just our family - gods, it’s so exciting to think my beautiful Dawn has a girlfriend! And an enbyfriend! All in one cute transfeminine body to boot! I think - Jay and I make some rather lame excuses about being tired and head to bed. Dawn and Ellie& head upstairs as soon as they can, giggling to each other.

 

My husband and I talk quietly about our fears for the coming rescue for the next hour or so. Then we make quiet, passionate love to each other, knowing this could very well be one or both of our last nights of freedom and/or life. Eventually we collapse, exhausted, in each other’s arms. 

 

Tomorrow, we find Sky.

 
 
 

---

 
 
 

This morning has been a blur, I only properly wake up after the coffee and french toast that Jay and I make for everyone. 

 

Dawn and Ellie& then help me get all the computers turned on and set up again as we prepare for the final, actual break-in to Mazon’s systems, which will only take a few typed commands now that I’ve got the scripts all set up and all the necessary applications open on my machine. 

 

Soon enough Claire arrives at the house on her motorcycle, parking it in the driveway next to Jay’s van. She enters the house with a confidence in her stride that I envy and joins Jay and I in the living room. We chat about old times for a while.

 

I once again idly wonder how the hell she’d gotten into our house when we told her Sky had been kidnapped. I’d asked Dawn and Ellie& quietly off to the side yesterday, and neither of them had seen or heard her come in either despite being in the kitchen the whole time. I’m positive that means some sort of magic was involved, I just have no idea what exactly our red-eyed friend is capable of. 

 

A short while later I watch the vampires park on the street from the living room window. Trevor and Maurice get out of the pickup, while Audre and Deirdre exit their black honda fit. They move swiftly to the front door, and I open it for them after calling for the rest of the family to assemble. Audre and Trevor greet me warmly, with cold hugs and chatter, while Deirdre and Maurice just give curt nods as they take off their coats and hand them to me to put in the walk-in coat closet just inside the front door on the north side.

 

We all gather in the kitchen, where we’ve got the blueprint of the warehouse spread out again. Claire and I go through the plan one more time, and we hash out the last few remaining details for maybe half an hour more. Jay once again checks in with me about my decision to take the guise of Amy, but I stand firm. We’d had a serious talk about it last night, and I’d explained to him where I was coming from.

 

I know I’m not a trans woman, as I rather like being perceived as a man, most of the time. Those few and far between moments of envy for the fairer sex are, however, probably not things that a cis man would have. My gender has always felt... complicated to me. Like a strange, shifting puzzle that I can't quite figure out. I'd tried to pin it down back in freshman year of college, as being around Claire, and the handful of other lgbtq+ people at the four year university we went to, meant I had quite a few people eager to help me try on new looks and pronouns. I even tried living as a woman for a week, a few months before I met Jay. And while I somewhat enjoyed the experience, it wasn’t long before dysphoria around my feminine gender presentation made itself known. 

 

Being a man is definitely my comfortable default state, though I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about why that is. What makes me a man more than, say, a nonbinary individual? 

 

Easy, I think to myself, my preferred presentation, affect, role in society, and most importantly the voice in my heart, are all masc-centric. I have a healthy appreciation for the feminine side of life, but no persistent desire to conform to it myself.

 

At least, that’s what I’d firmly told myself and my husband.

 

After the final meeting, I retreat to my office, the Control Room, and make the final, actual attack on Mazon’s cybersecurity suite. I tell the others it’s an attack at least, in reality I’m just logging in with admin credentials purchased on the dark web, turning off a handful of alarms and alerts that otherwise would immediately tip them off to our ploy, and granting the same admin access to the four other computers in the room with me, Dawn, Ellie&, and Trevor. I edit the Mazon org chart to include the four new ‘IT Admins’, and make sure to grant read-only access to the other four computers, so that only Dawn, who I’ve been teaching about the software we’re using, will have full control over the Mazon facility when the time comes. 

 

Vielet shows up sometime while I’m doing all that, and takes her seat at the third laptop. 

 

I once again brief Ellie&, Dawn, Vielet, and Trevor on the eraser script, which needs to be deployed the moment we all leave the facility to wipe all traces of our intrusion from their systems. We get the other laptops all set up looking at the facility from different angles, then pack up the fourth laptop to give to Maurice when the time comes. He’ll have a live feed of the facility as well once he gets settled in the getaway car. 

 

After that’s all done I get back to the kitchen and Dawn goes to hang out with Ellie&, Vielet and Trevor upstairs. There’s about a half hour left of downtime before we need to get going to the first destination on our list, and it seems to pass by in the blink of an eye while I sit with Jay, Claire, Audre, Deirdre, and Maurice in the living room, chatting about our upcoming mission.

 

We’ve got this, we must.

 

All too soon it’s time, and Claire hands out the pride pins in the same colors she’d promised us yesterday: a rainbow flag for me, trans flags for Claire and Jay, and a demigirl flag for Deirdre. Each pin comes in a little plastic baggie with an index card of precise instructions tucked in alongside it.

 

“Just prick your finger with the pointy end, let a little blood drip into the underside of the pin, and focus your mind on the body you wish to inhabit, clothes and all,” Claire explains for the fifth time today. “The spell is very complex in some ways and very simple in others. The target is whatever body you’ve thought the most about in the one minute after you prick your finger. We’ll only have the one change of clothes for our new selves, so make sure whatever you imagine yourself in is work appropriate.”

 

She looks around at all of us, meeting each of our eyes in turn. “Once the minute is over, the change begins. It won’t feel like anything at all, as our perception of our bodies will be entirely suspended for the duration of the transformation, then seamlessly reintegrated to the senses of our new forms.”

 

“How long will it take?” Jay asks. I can tell he’s nervous, but putting on a brave face.

 

“About five to ten seconds, depending on how different the target body is from the starting body,” Claire replies.

 

Jay nods. 

 

“Anything else?” Deirdre asks briskly. 

 

Claire shakes her head.

 

“Not from my side,” I reply.

 

“Nope,” Jay adds.

 

“I’m ready if you all are,” Claire says, holding up her pin pointy end out.

 

 

 

[ - tw: blood - ]

 

 

 

“Let’s do it,” Deirdre decides. She undoes the pin and pricks her finger with the springy needle-like protrusion. To my mild surprise, red blood wells up out of the wound in her finger and drips into the back of the pin she’s holding right under her injury.

 

She smiles at me, flashing her fangs. “I had a nice meal before coming here," she explains, before closing her eyes and concentrating.

 

Claire pricks her finger next, followed shortly by Jay. They stand with their eyes closed as well, and I admire the little frown of focus on Jay's face for a moment. 

 

Then I take a deep breath, clear my head of thoughts as best I can, and stab the little metal needle into my ring finger. The pain is sharp but quick, and blood splatters onto the back of the rainbow pin.

 
 
 

[ - end tw - ]

 
 
 

I focus on the image of Amy in my head, aiming for accuracy to her driver's license and passport photos, as well as the handful of full body shots in the vampires’ files. I’d decided already that I’d give being five-seven a shot. I’m not really afraid of the possible height dysphoria, more excited at the prospect of trying something wholly new.

 

Amy has short straight light brown hair and bright hazel eyes; she’s on the heavy side with fair skin and, according to her records, D-cup breasts. She’s curvy, with wide hips and a large behind. She wears long skirts or pants in the full body shots, and I’d already decided pants would be a safer bet for if we needed to run. Her blouses were usually brightly colored and covered with a shawl or coat; I’d chosen a crimson blouse with black jeans and a black cardigan.

 

I can’t deny the little thrill of excitement that shoots through me at the prospect of having such assets of my own, even tempered as it is by my previous experiences trying to present as a woman.

 

I don’t get a chance to ruminate further, because suddenly everything goes dark, silent, and strangely weightless. I’m floating in a featureless void with no landmarks, feeling warm, safe, but more than a little scared. I’ve no idea how long I exist in this strange blank abyss of nothing, but after a time I feel myself being tugged downward, my senses quickly coming back to life as my spirit, or whatever the hell this is, sinks back into my body.

 

I blink open my eyes to find myself back in the living room looking at a dark-skinned black haired mexican man who must be Jay in disguise as Roberto. To the left of him is a short auburn haired white woman - Deirdre in disguise as Cassandra - and to the left of her is an even shorter black woman with a tightly braided black ponytail - Claire as Mara. Each of them is examining themselves, looking at their hands and bodies, taking in the changes.

 

Except you, look down damnit! I think. I comply quickly, my eyes dropping to the sight of large breasts stretching against the soft fabric of the lacy black bra and crimson blouse I’m wearing. The black cardigan and the long brown cascading waves of hair that end just under my nipples frame my bosom rather well, I think idly.

 

Warmth blossoms in my chest. As does a sense of... rightness? I can’t stop myself from gently cupping my heavy breasts, a smile creeping onto my face.

 

A cold feeling settles around my shoulders and down my back like a well-worn mantle, wiping away the odd smile and weakening the warmth significantly. I lower my hands, spreading my attention outward towards the rest of my family.

 

Dawn and Ellie& are watching me and the others who’ve changed anxiously, likely waiting to see how we’ll react to our new bodies. Jay is now looking at me with warmth in his soft brown eyes.

 

“How- ahem,” Jay coughs, looking impressed by the sound of his own voice: low and husky. “How are you holding up, hon?” he asks me.

 

“I’m-” I start, before the sound of my voice: light and airy, makes the warmth come back in full force. I find myself locking eyes with my husband. “I’m very good,” I say.

 

Jay’s eyebrows rise. “Oh yeah?” he says, taking a step towards me, a familiar kindness writ across his new features.

 

Visions of him grabbing me roughly dance through my mind, and I have to steel myself, the cold feeling coming back with a vengeance. 

 

“Y-yeah,” I say uncertainly, crossing my arms under my breasts awkwardly. What the hell is wrong with me? I think irately.

 

I glance over my shoulder, making eye contact with Ellie& for just a brief second. 

 

The ‘&’ symbol after the name Ellie is meant to represent that she’s part of a plural system and I’m referring to the entire system as well as her. I’d spent a decent amount of time researching all sorts of things regarding plural systems, especially what it’s like before one realizes they’re part of a system. Random thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere, behaviors and desires that don’t seem to make coherent sense at the time, surges of emotion that herald the switching of different headmates in and out of the ill-defined ‘front’.

 

I turn back to Jay, the cold and the warmth battling it out within my newly feminine body. 

 

“I, uh, think I might be plural,” I say matter-of-factly.

End of 

Chapter 46.A - In Her Shoes