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Thank you for reading this short story about escapism. An inspiration born and finished through a dull night. I hope you enjoyed it as all the colors washed away and she popped.
Any thoughts or criticisms you have on it is welcomed.
Adios.
4
Some spoilers here, assuming that somebody may have gone to the last chapter/end out of curiosity.
___
- The way you hinted at it being a world that only our main character sees is good. Not through anything too obvious. I found it the most interesting how you used the stroke tool and the colors to let you understand it. For example, in the first part of the story, the text says: "She looked at the blue sky and the clouds of green.", with 'blue' and 'green' being colored. However, when she's taken back into reality, colors aren't described with this poppy choice; "...as she painted the gray world in red" is a good example of that.
- Second of all, the words themselves. I had an idea that they could be human after "two legs" and her saying that, sometimes, the "Grays" would run away. But let me give credit when it's due here: it was brilliantly put and overshadowed by the colorful formatting and the action-packed scenes.
- Misleading narrators are misleading for a reason. To be misleading is similar to deception, which is intentional. And your narration was intentional. You figured out a way to cover up the subtle clues (with the mother and father part, especially.) without completely disregarding them. Good on you for not making the narrator stupid, but clever. Or not to make the narrator so obviously, plainly, blatantly try to tell us something. Or making them talk down on the reader. Really difficult not to do, especially the second and third. Congratulations on spreading clues and having a balance between showing and telling (and not making your narrator sound like they think we're toddlers or just graduated with a Ph.D.) More on the mother and father thing later in this comment.
- The "no" montage in Four: Most of the time, I hate something like this. Most of the time, I want something slightly more complex other than "No, no, no, I screwed up!", but this is one of the situations where I see why the author would make this decision. I am by no means a psychiatrist, but I think the MC is suffering from severe schizophrenia (if this term is inappropriate, please tell me, and I will change), and I can definitely see this happening. Also, realizing you've murdered multiple men, women, and children must be difficult to process. So yes, "no" is completely valid here.
MY ISSUES:
- The mother and father relationship is never explained. It's brought up once and so broad to the point where I don't know if they were overly demanding of her, or telling her that other human beings were less than their family/close friends. Or if it's both or neither. A minor complaint, though.
- I get it's a short story, but I'd like to have known a little more about the setting. She lives in a one-story house, woo-hoo! But I want to know about the big stuff. You know, like how the clouds retain a green color and her own stance on the Grays. I get that, visually, they don't "pick a side" between black and white: but what makes them that way in real life? Is it something her parents enforced? Is she personally colorful as well as her parents, or is every human being gray? I get that human beings are Gray, but can they also be other colors?
- I like short stories, but sometimes I felt like sentences were choppy. But this may just be a personal preference for liking some nice meat in my descriptions. Nevertheless, enjoying to read.
Overall, my issues are small. This is a solid story with its flaws, but nothing is perfect and there are only 4 chapters in this piece. Nevertheless, really well-done!
I’m glad you liked the story and thank you for both your praise and criticism. I won’t speak much about the praise, since there’s not really much to speak of there and you’re pretty spot on about everything, especially about me visualizing her as someone with schizophrenia. It’s one of the few mental illnesses I know a sliver about.
As for the criticisms:
For the mother and father, I thought to make their relationship vague so as to make it a story where, technically, anybody could put themselves in the shoes of the character. It’s the same reason the main character doesn’t have a name (if you’ve noticed, I never mentioned her name.) Because, in the end, the short story was about escapism, and rejection, not her specifically. And the ‘Grays’ were a representation of what she was escaping from. The reality that those she loved were gone. Other humans, in her eyes, appeared as they did because she rejected that real world and anyone who told her otherwise. The murders she committed, slicing others and doubts out of her life, came biting her back when her eyes opened. Yet, she ends the story with a fade choice to return to a world, although colorful, is a fake delusion. However, you are correct, I might have made it too vague for some to really connect with her.
P.S I’m currently in the midst of writing a short novel called ‘Bubblegum Pop: Gray Eyes.’ It’s a spin on this short story. Not exactly a sequel, but connected to it in some way. It features a blind protagonist with gray eyes and the world of Bubblegum Pop—a place where her dull eyes see colors. You might like it more as it will really explore the character and her troubles. It won’t be as vague, nor as pretty as the earlier parts of this short story, but it might be more to your taste in the end. Well, when I finish it anyway.
I am not sufficiently enlightened enough in the ways of writing-fu to critique you.
Good story
10/10 ending
as all the colors washed away and she popped.
guess the dude took the shot and she made her last bit of colour. red.
No no, she killed herself. Choosing a dream-like, perfect for her, world over reality.
turned the chainsaw to herself.
oh yeah misread that bit
@Snoodle_Booper pft There we go~
That did give me some bad vibes
I’m glad it did~