Memories of a Godness Part 2
The capital of Japan during the Heian period was Heian-kyō, which was built from scratch based on the urban planning model of the Chinese capital of Chang'an. The city was built with the express purpose of having the government and the emperor's palace in one place; the daimyō, feudal lords, and the main houses of each Japanese clan always had a residence near the imperial palace. A place where powerful and important people gathered.
Hoping to find my true love, I traveled to the capital to become one of Emperor Konoe's consorts after being invited by Fujiwara no Nariko as a candidate for his wife.
Emperor Konoe was crowned at the astonishing age of 3, after his father, Emperor Toba, the 74th emperor, became a Buddhist monk and abdicated the throne at the age of 39, leaving a huge power vacuum that would engulf the rest of Japan. Fujiwara-no Tadamichi served as regent until the newly crowned emperor reached the age necessary to make wise decisions for the people of Japan. At the same time, Emperor Sutoku, the supposed 75th ruler, was also unable to rule due to his young age. Shortly after Fujiwara-no Tadamichi was finally relieved of her duties as regent, it was time for Emperor Konoe to take the throne; the day I met him, he was already 13 years old, the age at which he would begin to look for a mate.
Fujiwara no Nariko had invited me to compete for the position of First Wife thanks to my wisdom, hoping that I would be able to help her son become a better, more intelligent and capable ruler. But such a competition would not be without its problems, as important clan houses like the Fujiwara, Taira, Minamoto or Tachibana had sent their daughters into this race, not only to win the love of the Emperor but also to secure the power of their respective families.
As expected, rivalry and jealousy were the order of the day, a game of knives and snakes was the order of the day in the palace. To see who was the best cook, who was the best cleaner, to show who was the funniest, the smartest, the bravest, the prettiest, and above all, who was the best at sabotaging others in secret. There were countless times when I found my clothes torn and had to sew them back together myself, my flowers poisoned and had to secretly buy replacements, my math books altered with incorrect calculations and had to spend whole nights awake correcting them. What I foolishly thought would be my salvation from the geisha house turned out to be a greater torment with even greater risks than a simple punishment for one afternoon.
In such fierce competition, one learns to be cautious and attentive to the behavior of others. It was then that my true cold and manipulative personality became more pronounced. But at that time, my greatest fear, being ignorant and foolish in love, was to be discovered as a Kitsune at any moment. Terrified, I checked my reflection whenever I could to make sure my fox ears or tail were always hidden. My mirror became my greatest weapon and shield, always using illusion magic in case I was discovered, always vigilant to make sure the others didn't suspect anything about me, about my true nature.
But to this day, what I hate the most about that time is myself, for being so obstinate in my own search for love that I blinded myself so much as to not see or notice the foolishness I was doing in continuing to fight for the possibility of becoming the Emperor's wife, thinking that with them all my problems and hardships would be resolved overnight, ignoring the ever-present sword hanging towars the king's chair. Always a plot to overthrow the king, always a man seeking to be the new king only to fall victim to the next envious one.
And only now, living with my beloved Goshujin-sama and seeing the real pleasures of a relatively simple life, I can notice that my adventure in the imperial court was not just a complete waste of time condemned to failure from the moment I set foot in that castle.
Unlike Goshujin-sama, who has always been characterized by caring for and putting those he loves ahead of himself. I can't say the same about Emperor Konoe, who never bothered to even learn the names of the girls who had left everything behind to love him. I told him my name a thousand times, and a thousand times I was not heard. Someone who demanded absolute submission from all women, speaking to him without his express authorization was an immediate disqualification as a consort, walking always a couple of steps behind him, silently accepting any of his reprimands without the option of self-defense. Humbly accepting that as women we were simply inferior in absolutely everything. A man who never followed the good advice of his experts because in his words the Emperor could not err. A mere human with a god complex, it was forbidden in the entire palace to look him directly in the face, according to him because looking a deity in the eye was a capital offense, or perhaps because of his immature childlike face he still had. His meals were only approved by a committee of chefs from all parts of the country, as a king should eat the best of his empire, long meditation sessions to clear his mind, but lessons with teachers were short and often interrupted.
He was a tyrannical ruler with the facade of a child.
And yet when it was necessary to show strength and resolution in the face of an external threat to the palace, he lacked those traits of authority that would have served him well in resolving the disputes between the Taira and Minamoto clans, which later led to war. He suffered from a severe case of indecision, always swayed by external comments, he would make the decision of the last person to speak, he simply was incapable of directing anything other than the concubines he had as lovers. Even among my own fellow consorts, there was doubt as to whether Emperor Konoe would have a life not prosperous, but at least long, they only followed such a horrible game for the sake of their family power struggles and not for true love.
Perhaps the funniest thing about such a bad time was that despite holding that title, consort or lover of the emperor. There was never a single night of passion in the rooms of that palace, Konoe, I imagine in his complex of never being ridiculed, never let anyone come close to showing the slightest effect of love or weakness from him. I know Goshujin-sama is not the best case to talk about this either, but at least I am able to understand the problem behind his decision on this matter, but nevertheless, even though he feels undeserving of the affection he receives, at least he makes an effort to make his partner feel reciprocated, even if it's just to brighten her day and not so much for himself.
Ironically, I am able to see in Cesar a strong and reliable man despite his female body and living in his mother's house with his sister. Than with Emperor Konoe seated in his palace, a million followers and guards, with his luxuries and possessions, with his imposing walls but afraid to venture into the outside world or to assert his royal authority beyond those close to him.
Emperor Konoe, try as he might to appear otherwise, could not ignore the constant signs of trouble on the horizon, both for himself and for the Imperial family. He knew that the other clans of Japan were watching his every move, judging, measuring. He was an easy target; any girl from any of the houses he married into would place her family as the true leader of Japan. Perhaps it was with these anxieties and thoughts that he chose the poor consort with no affiliation to any house, the girl plucked from a geisha house, Tamamo-no-Mae. She would be the perfect pawn to maintain the empty illusion of power that the Emperor desired to uphold.
The decision was made in the third month of 1155 when he left a gift in my room, a peach stored in a beautifully carved wooden box as a symbol of his choice of wife, sealing his fate and mine as well, with only 6 months left until his demise.
The final months leading up to our wedding were marked by a sharp increase in incidents within the palace, with attacks from other women directed towards me becoming more frequent. Of course, these attacks were never carried out in Konoe's presence, but it was clear that there was a concerted effort to discredit me by any means possible.
Amidst the preparations for the ceremony, several representatives from distant lands came to present the Emperor's engagement. By then, he was already 17 years old. Among the attendees was the court mage from the Song dynasty, the conjurer Xian Fang, with her gifts and blessings. At the time, I didn't pay much attention to her amidst the chaos of preparing for my own wedding while Konoe continued to govern the country. However, in hindsight, she spent a considerable amount of time with Abe no Yasuchika, an astrologer and onmyouji from the Minamoto clan who opposed the Fujiwara clan, which was closest to the royal family at that time.
A month before our wedding, Emperor Konoe's health deteriorated significantly. Despite all my knowledge at that time, I was unable to determine the cause or how to treat his illness. As expected of a Yamato nadeshiko, during the day, I researched and attempted to create different medicines for his healing, testing them on myself first. At night, I stayed by his side to ensure he rested well.
.....
But all my dream, my passion, my life, came crashing down the morning of that fateful day, when I woke up and looked in the mirror to comb my hair, only to see my fox ears clearly protruding, without my command. In panic, I tried to hide them but it didn't work, I tried to cast an illusion spell, but the real illusion was my hope that it would work. I had been cursed overnight, some object I had used had forced me to reveal my true identity. And while still trying to think of something, the doors to my room burst open, several guards and hunters had entered my room as if to apprehend a cruel thief. Abe no Yasuchika led the group, the physician assigned to the emperor by the other clans including the Fujiwara, his rivals, his accusation against me was being a monstrous creature manipulating the young emperor to help another clan gain power.
I was being used as a scapegoat, an excuse for the familial clans to fight and kill each other.
With fury, I protested, giving my allegations, but the moment that saddened me the most was seeing the Emperor appear behind Abe no Yasuchika, with the other consorts behind him, watching and murmuring, with a vial in hand that was claimed to contain the poison I had administered. He then uttered a few words that broke my heart.
"For your betrayal and crime against me and the empire, I order the guard by any means to capture and execute the demon manipulator."
The damned man didn't even use my name because he didn't even remember it.
The soldiers accepted the order and rushed toward me with force to end me.
With fear for my life and affected by such painful betrayal, I destroyed the wall behind me to escape. The guards on the walls tried to block my path, but with nothing left to hide, I transformed into the monstrous kitsune that the Emperor claimed I was. I leaped over the towering wall, but in my fury, I brought part of it down with one of my tails. Then I ran towards the mountains to the northeast, fearing for my life and the fugitive future that awaited me.
Throughout that time, I dreamed of a hero appearing and saving me from the injustice, someone who would clear my name and explain to the idiot Konoe what truly happened behind his back. But only loneliness answered my calls for help and my cries.
In my desperate flight for survival, I was relentlessly pursued by hunters and soldiers sent by the emperor. On my way to Nasu, I killed nearly 60 thousand men, always fleeing, always fighting. Because of my fury, I destroyed everything in my path, until the day Urakaze confronted me. She was a skilled demon hunter who had been hired by Konoe to hunt me down as well. She came alone at full speed on horseback to try to stop the destruction of the village I was heading towards. Although she did not survive our confrontation, she managed to injure me and buy enough time for her other colleagues, Kazusa-no-suke and Miura-no-suke, to finish the job. With a battalion of archers under their command, they launched so many arrows as to blot out the sun.
I succumbed to the wounds inflicted by the two archers, but my death was not enough for them. On his deathbed, the emperor gave one more command: that they seal me for eternity in the place of my death. So both hunters used their magic to seal me inside one of the many stones around. I was condemned to eternal suffering by the unjustified anger of someone I had only tried to help.
I could not let something like that go without divine punishment.
So despite being imprisoned from a place as small as the inside of a stone and my lack of strength, I began to develop my curses and hexes, unleashing them on anyone who passed by, hoping to perhaps alleviate my pain someday. Over time, a new name was given to the stone that kept me captive, the Sessho-seki, the killer stone.
But that never happened, because my greatest mistake was being born a thousand years before the time of my beloved, the fist one who reciprocated my feelings.
At the end of my own legend, Emperor Konoe died at just 17 years old, only a couple of weeks after I fled the palace. With his death, a great power vacuum emerged, one that neither his father, Emperor Toba, nor his brother, Emperor Sutoku, could quickly fill due to the abruptness of his passing. Because he died without leaving descendants, a dispute among the Imperial family, the consorts, and the clans ensued, resulting in an escalation that led to war the following year in 1156, known as the Hōgen Rebellion. This resulted in Emperor Go-Shirakawa becoming the head of the empire, with the powers and loyalties to the royal family greatly reduced. The war between the clans intensified further, particularly between the Minamoto and Taira Clans, escalating into a game of alliances and battles that gave rise to the Genpei War. The victorious Minamoto Clan pointed to their leader, Minamoto no Yoritomo, as Japan's first Shogun, the new de facto rulers, while the Imperial family merely maintained appearances and ceremonies. This new era only brought about more devastation and power struggles, ushering in what would be called the Sengoku period, where regional leaders constantly battled one another to attain the coveted title of Shogun, now that being a descendant of the royal family no longer truly mattered.
Now that I can see everything that happened with the passage of time, revealing the truth and the lies, it is easy to judge what actually happened. It's so easy to judge and label as lacking intelligence to see the machinations behind the scenes, but when they happen in real time, happening behind your back while you're eating at the table, someone elsewhere planning your assassination, it's not so easy to see.
But now it's as clear as the history books; I fell because of the unchecked ambitions of humans. A typical and convoluted strategy to become the next ruler, the clans close to the emperor were only looking for reasons to create a power vacuum and initiate the next war. The conjurer Xian Fang, who made the journey all the way from ancient China, saw the thirst for power among all the feudal lords and decided to enter the game at their table as well. Using the excuse of being a guest at the wedding, she lived in the same palace as I did for about 4 months, more than enough time to have struck up friendships and plans. She was undoubtedly responsible for poisoning Emperor Konoe; she administered some special herbs and potions to him. Abe no Yasuchika was tasked with creating a truce to start a war; he and the foreign mage planned to make me responsible for the evil I never committed. And when Xian Fang somehow found out my true identity, she smiled, for she had the perfect person to blame without anyone ever doubting the others. After all, what better scapegoat for a tragedy than the demon who is not human? Xian Fang cursed my beloved mirror to reveal my true form that morning when I went to comb my hair, that's when the spell activated. My panic was the signal that invited them to cross the door where they were waiting. Sealing me in stone was the plan to silence me and never give my side of the story, so that the truth would never be known.
.....
Although that is already part of the distant past, my affairs in that time have already ended, I have nothing to look back on.
My redemption and salvation began the day my beloved found me, with the bravery of the hero I imagined, he rescued me when I had no reason to live. Living a life with his family was his treatment to heal my heart. Although perhaps now I live with other consorts, I am no longer in a race to be the first, rivalry has been replaced by camaraderie, intrigues by displays of affection, the cold castle has now become a small warm home, a place where the current Emperor knows everyone from the heart, where he does not have to use his title to impress, a place where power does not matter at all.
A place where I do not have to hide who I really am to be loved the same.
In the end it only took me a thousand years to find my happiness and love.
And today Cesar already called that he is on his return trip, soon he will be at home where I will be waiting for him with the warm smile that a Yamato nadeshiko must present to the person she really loves, but it won't be difficult when it really comes from the heart.
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