“So I imagine you have several questions for me.” Ciara said as we sat down into a booth.

“Yeah I suppose you could say that.”

“Well what’s your first one then?” She asked, and thankfully I knew what my first question would be.

“Why did you tell me about the last two sites? The first one I understand was so that I could understand you better and be more empathetic towards trans people. I don’t however understand what the point of the other two sites was other than trying to give me a panic attack.” 

“I guess I just thought you might find them useful after what you said on that first night, how many things did you relate to in that twitter thread anyway?”

“But all I said was that everyone wishes they could be the other gender, like a grass is always greener sort of thing, and I related to everything in that twitter thread that applied to me, what does that mean anyway?”

“Oh…” Ciara said and looked thoughtful for a moment before speaking again. “Well it doesn’t necessarily mean anything but I only related to ten out of seventeen of the points in that thread. Did you look at much stuff on egg_irl?”

“Yeah I was looking at stuff on there all week more or less. I even took one of those gender tests online and it said I was mostly male.”

“And how did that honestly make you feel?”

“I don’t know, maybe a little disappointed but it saying I’m mostly male is a good thing right? It means I’m not trans.” I answer trying to hide my shame at my disappointment.

“Why is not being trans such a good thing?” Ciara asked me while looking at me with her face full of pain.

“I-I didn’t mean it like that, it’s just that being trans seems so hard and all my family would hate me if I were anyway, so I can’t be.”

Ciara sighed, “Ok so that’s a lot to unpack. First, those online gender tests aren’t all that accurate and are honestly kinda sexist, the most important thing is how you feel about the results. Second, your family doesn’t get to dictate what would make you happy. How about you tell me a bit about your family?”

“Well I guess they were mostly ok on my mom’s side but my dad’s side is another story. One of my cousins came out as gay a few years back and that entire side of the family just cut all contact and started saying some pretty awful stuff behind his back.”

“Hmm, you seem pretty aware that homophobia and transphobia and such is bad, so why did you say what you did on that first night?” Ciara asked and I cringed since I had been dreading this question from the beginning.

“I guess I panicked and just defaulted to what I’d been taught as a kid, and I had no idea that word is a slur, I just thought it was an anime term for a feminine guy. So I guess my brain just combined the two and said it without thinking.”

“I see, where exactly were you taught that stuff about trans people though?”

“I guess I was taught it in school. My parents were never actually all that religious but they thought having me attend private school would get me the help I needed, and the only private schools around were christian ones. And the teachers in my elementary and high school didn’t exactly have high opinions of trans people. I knew that basically everything they claimed about the lgbt community is bullshit but sometimes it’s hard to shake it all.” I said and Ciara looked at me, face so full of compassion that I couldn’t help but break down crying.

“Hey it’s ok, I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that, it sounds awful.” Ciara replied while moving over to my side of the booth to wrap me in a hug.

“Thanks Ciara, can we stop talking about school for now though. I’d rather not think about everything that happened there right now.”

“Of course, we don’t have to talk about it anymore unless you change your mind.”

“Thanks.” I replied, relaxing into Ciara’s embrace.

We stayed like that for a while, Ciara holding me tight and me softly sobbing every so often. Eventually we ordered food and thankfully Ciara was willing to put up with me just pointing at what I wanted on the menu, I just found myself unable to speak for a while. When our food came Ciara seemed content to stay by my side while we ate which I was silently very grateful for. After we finished our meal and sat there for a bit I felt my ability to speak beginning to return to me.

“Thanks for staying here Ciara.” I said so softly it was barely a whisper.

“Hey it’s ok, I’m just glad I was here for you. Although there was at least one more thing I wanted to ask you if you were feeling up to it.”

“I guess that’s ok as long as it’s not about school. Maybe one day I’ll feel up to talking about it in more detail with you but not tonight.”

“That’s totally fair, I was just curious about how you said your parents thought you would ‘get the help you need’ in private school and I was just wondering if you...” Ciara trailed off leaving the rest of the question unsaid.

“I know what you’re gonna ask and the answer is I honestly don’t know. I’ve thought about whether I’m on the autism spectrum or not in the past but my parents never took me to someone who could diagnose me and I never had as severe of needs as other people so I just kinda stuck it out and tried to learn how to be normal.” I said and I felt Ciara squeeze me a bit tighter.

“Whether you’re on the autism spectrum or not it doesn’t make you wrong or weird, ok? And you don’t need to change yourself for anyone.”

“Logically I know that’s true but it’s just so hard to shake almost two decades of conditioning and I find I’m insulting myself for being weird all the time, and I’m just so tired of living through all of it sometimes.” I said and I immediately felt Ciara tense up slightly.

“Hey it’s ok, you have people that care about you now. I think it might be a good idea if you stay at my place tonight though.”

“I think you’re right, I don’t really trust myself to be home alone right now.”

“That’s fine Danny, I just want you to know that I will never turn my back on you and I’ll always be willing to accept every part of you.” Ciara said while holding me in such a comforting embrace that I was almost able to forget my worries for a moment and just be happy.