As I woke up I realized I felt someone holding onto me and my memories of the night before came rushing back to me. If Ciara hadn’t been laying there holding me I might have thought last night was just a dream. I tried to turn my head to see if Ciara was still sleeping and it looked like she was. I didn’t want to wake her so I tried to move as little as possible so that I didn’t wake her up. It must have been another twenty minutes at least before I finally felt her stir.

 

“Mmm, morning cutie.” Ciara said, and I was thankful that she couldn’t see my face.

 

“Morning Ciara, thanks again for letting me stay here.”

 

“No problem, did you sleep well?”

 

“Last night was the best sleep I’ve gotten in quite a while actually.”

 

“Well I’m glad I was able to help, I’m gonna get up and make some coffee, I’ll grab you a cup then we can sit on the couch together and relax.”

 

“That sounds great, thanks Ciara.”

 

“No problem Danny.” Ciara replied, and I couldn’t help but flinch at hearing my name for some reason, if Ciara noticed she didn’t say anything.

 

After Ciara got up I made my way to the bathroom and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I actually really liked how they looked. Although something felt off as well, they didn’t quite fit right on my frame and for some reason I felt really disappointed at that. Then I started to notice all the other things I don’t like about myself like the fact that even though I shaved yesterday I already had visible facial hair again or how I basically just looked like a rectangle from bottom to top with no curves at all. Wait why did I want curves anyway, weren’t guys supposed to be more boxy and angular? After burying those feelings in the, we don’t talk about this box, I made my way out to the couch where Ciara was already waiting for me.

 

“Hey there you are, I thought you might have gotten lost or something.” Ciara giggled.

 

“Yeah I was just in the bathroom.” I said, and I couldn’t keep a bit of sadness from creeping into my voice.

 

“Hey is everything ok? You seem kind of down this morning.”

 

“I’m fine I just…”

 

“Just what?” Ciara said, resting her hand on my knee and I decided I might as well tell her how I felt since I already bore basically my whole soul to her last night.

 

“I just saw myself in the mirror and then I noticed how these clothes don’t fit me like they should and for some reason it just made me really upset. I know it’s dumb but-”

 

“It’s not dumb,” Ciara interrupted me, “Trust me, I know how much of an asshole the mirror can be. You do look cute in those pajamas though.”

 

“But guys aren’t supposed to be cute.”

 

“Do you want to be?” Ciara asked, and left it up to me which question to answer.

 

“I guess I like being called cute more than I like being called handsome or manly or whatever, but aren’t I supposed to want to be handsome?”

 

“You can be whatever you want to be, you have to put your own happiness first sometimes no matter what society says.”

 

“But my body still looks like this and nobody would ever actually call me cute unless I made them.”

 

“I think you’re cute, and you can always change your body, you know.”

 

“Really?!”

 

“Of course you can, I used to look a lot like you actually.”

 

“How would I even go about doing that though?”

 

“Well that depends on your answer to my next question.”

 

“Ok, what is it you need to know?”

 

“Do you want to be a girl or do you just want to be a more feminine guy?” Ciara asked and it felt like a freight train struck me in the chest.

 

“How do I know which one I want to be though? I’ve never actually given this much thought before.”

 

“I don’t know how it feels for you but I can guess based on the way you’ve been reacting to everything I’ve said and everything you’ve told me.”

 

“What do you mean by how I’ve reacted to what you said?”

 

“Honestly you’re not very good at hiding your feelings, like how excited you got when I said you can change your body to be cuter, or how you flinched when I said your name.” Ciara replied, and I had to admit she had me pegged.

 

“Ok but wanting to be a girl and actually being a girl are totally different things, not to mention I don’t even know if that’s what I want.”

 

“Alright well wanting to be a girl is usually a symptom of being a girl, but let’s break it down into individual parts. Do you want a more feminine body?”

 

“Yeah I guess so.”

 

“Ok do you like the name your parents gave you?”

 

“Not really.”

 

“How do you feel when people call you sir, or mr, or him?”

 

“I guess it feels weird and kind of wrong and there was one time as a kid where I was playing a game online and someone mistook me for a girl because of my voice and it secretly made me really happy.”

 

“Ok just a couple more questions now, do you like women’s clothes or men’s clothes more?”

 

“I mean women’s are just so much more interesting, you know? And liking women’s clothes doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a girl.” I replied feeling satisfied that I managed to refute at least one of her points.

 

“Totally, but who are most of the people who want  a feminine body, prefer feminine pronouns, prefer women’s clothes, and get excited about the prospect of making their body more feminine?” Ciara said, and I realized she had been backing me into a corner where I couldn’t deny it anymore.

 

“Girls.” I said so quietly that I don’t think anyone could have heard.

 

“I’m sorry could you speak up a little please?” Ciara asked, grinning like a madwoman.

 

“Girls.” I said with more vigor this time.

 

“And is that what you are?”

 

“I-I think I might be.” I said, and just like that it was as if a massive weight had been lifted off my shoulders, only to be replaced by a literal weight when Ciara leaped over to hug me.

 

“I’m so proud of you right now, do you have a name you want to try out or do you need more time?”

 

“I’ve actually always had a name picked out for if I suddenly woke up as a girl one day.”

 

“Oh my god that is the most trans and in denial thing ever, well what is it?”

 

“I always liked the name Violet and I think I’d like to try it out.”

 

“Well I think that’s a very cute name Violet.” Ciara said and I felt butterflies in my stomach at her saying it out loud.

 

“So how do we go about making my body more feminine? I didn’t really see much info on that in the resources you gave me.”

 

“Well we can go to planned parenthood and get you on hormones on an informed consent basis.”

 

“Ok but what if I’m wrong though? What if I’m not actually trans?” 

 

“Well the hormones take a few months before there are any permanent changes so if they don’t feel right you can stop them but I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

 

“Ok I’ll try the hormones, I’m actually really excited even though I’m also terrified, let’s do this.” I said, starting to feel more and more confident in my decision.

 

The rest of the day passed rather uneventfully, we made me an appointment with planned parenthood and then spent the rest of the day just watching stuff on tv. It ended up being one of the best days I ever had and I had Ciara to thank. It was crazy to think I started the day thinking I was just an unhappy guy and I ended the day pretty confident that I was a girl and that I had someone who really cared about me. I still had the occasional doubt but I knew with Ciara at my side I’d be able to get past them eventually. We also decided I would stay the night again and that Ciara would help me experiment with clothes and other traditionally feminine things tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more excited.