Chapter 200: Broken

- Emelia's POV-

This man was truly messing with me. Leaving me once the night before, dejected. Now once again he left without a single indication that he cared or noticed me.

But I knew he heard me, I knew he felt something when I called his name. The way he turned his head down and clenched his fists as if pondering what to do. But why run? I would have thought my brother's trusted soldiers would have more courage than to run away.

At least say you want to be left alone, so I don’t have to get this feeling in my chest.

Rejected and unwanted, that's how I felt inside.

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My mother felt like her place in society wasn’t good enough and yet she’s been the reigning demon queen for the past thirty and a half years. Why doesn’t Sir Val realize that things like rank and age are just excuses? It's not like I hold any real authority, at best I’ll become like my sister, governing a territory. So things like political marriages and societal rank aren't important. At least not to me, they’re not.

I breathed out all the air in my lungs as if my emotions were taking over.

If you don’t want to be with me, tell me so I know that it won’t work.

Well, I guess he’s been trying to tell me this the entire time.

But all those times were with excuses and not anything about emotion or attraction.

At least tell me how you truly feel about me, romantically.

Even with his restraint and disapproval I know he doesn’t dislike me. I know he cares for me and wants what’s best for me. Every day he’s been watching over me trying to keep me safe, even when we first met he’s been trying to protect me.

Last night the way he gave into my kiss, no one would be so passionate unless they shared some affection for the other.

Even by the end when we were parting on bad terms he still gave me one last kiss.

Trying to, I don’t even know what he was trying to do. Was it to show some compassion? Was it to prove that he wasn’t a complete coward? Or was it because he wanted another kiss, and it was a sign he had some feelings for me?

I know I still care for him even though he’s broken my heart. Even after I watched him run from me as if I was a monster about to chase after him, I still wanted to have him hold me the same way he did last night.

I danced with two men last night, yet only one was gratifying to the point where I didn’t want the music to stop.

Please just come back and hold me like you did last night. I gripped my hands and threw the sword to the ground. I opened the greenhouse and ran to the other end. I remembered every word, every tone, every look we shared in this place. I could still smell his scent within the space.

Before I could make it to a corner, I knocked a pot onto the ground. I couldn’t help but shed a tear on the floor. I knelt there and grasped the shards of the pot and scooped up the dirt. At one point I just stopped and sat back. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Why does it have to hurt like this?

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I changed into my usual daily clothes. My eyes were a little red from the tears and I honestly didn’t feel like leaving the room. But the hunger I felt was a helpful push to leave.

I didn’t see Val in the manor, which included the dining room. Everyone had already eaten breakfast so I ate alone. Which I guess was best since I didn’t want to deal with questions about why I looked red. I walked to the library, before wedding planning this was my life. Learning as much knowledge as I could. To hopefully be able to handle governing territory or at least be a strong enough wife to support her husband's duties.

At that moment I didn’t feel any urge to study or be taught. I just wanted to talk to Val. To have a real conversation. Or maybe just a hug, his actions were always better than his words. When he speaks it’s usually him showing disapproval of my actions or saying compliments that confuse me.

I stood and looked out the window, the garden was cleaned. Every trace of the event was dismantled.

Once I saw the greenhouses off to the side, I turned away. I walked out of the room. My room was the last stop, though I doubt anyone in the manor would notice me gone. I don’t think anyone even left their rooms.

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To be continued