It felt good to be treated like a girl. That was all I could think as Stella brushed my hair. It was so nice how she called me a good girl, as she ran her hands through my hair.  How could I ever want to go back? Stella had always been sweet, but not having the barrier of gender there meant she could play with my hair or hug me without it feeling like I was a pervert. And Joanne, she'd called me an angel. She might have been out of it at the time, but she still said it.

"Hi, guys," I said. None of them seemed as calm about this as I was. "Is Alex okay?”

"He's not coping well with the new body," Blain explained. "What about you?"

"I feel great!" Which was true. I felt better than I ever had in my life. 

"Are you sure, Goldie?" Joanne asked. I wanted a different name. Goldie wouldn't work if I wanted to be a normal girl for a day. Wait? Did I want that?

"Yeah? But I feel like I need a new name, you know?" I did want that. I wanted to be a girl for now. 

"Anything you're thinking of?" Clay asked. 

"You don't think it's weird?"

"Not at all." They smiled. What did I want to be called? I loved being called Angel. Angelina? No, then it would sound like I was trying to be a movie star and Angel was definitely a boys name. 

"Call me Angelica, Angie for short."  I hoped none of them picked up on the connection.

"Do you want to be a girl?" Clay asked. They didn't sound like they were accusing me of anything. Maybe they just got the idea. 

"Until this wears off. What about any of you? Anyone else wanna join me? How are you feeling, Blain?" Blain would understand, right? Someone had to get it.

"Sorry Angie, but I feel awful. I wanna go back to normal."

"I can't do this…" Alex muttered. Was no one else excited? Even as Stella did my hair I could tell she was depressed. 

"Justin--" Joanne started. Was that name meant to hurt? It was mine. Maybe it was because it didn't match my body that it hurt. She was coming closer.

"Please stop calling me that!" I snapped. Joanne pulled back. Did I scare her? Was I still scary even in this body? 

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I stated firmly. Even if it was temporary, I wanted to be treated like a girl. 

"Are you sure about the name, though?" she asked. Her face was red. Did I do that?

"It's only for today, right? Tomorrow I'll go back to being him." I tried to hide my disappointment. I wanted to stay like this. Clay got to keep their changes because they were trans, but I wasn’t. So I had to live it up.

"Joanne, I need to talk to you," Clay said, and grabbed Joanne by the arm, dragging her away. I was alone. With the guys.

"You sure you're okay with this, Angie?" Blain asked. Wow, it felt good to be called that.

"Yes. I feel amazing, Blain!"

"You look amazing." It felt good to hear that from a guy. I wasn't sure if I was interested in guys. I wasn't before, but maybe this body liked boys. I hoped not. Blain might have been great, but I couldn't imagine falling for him. 

"I haven't checked a mirror, but I doubt it after seeing you two."

"What do you mean?"

"We took the same thing, and you two don't look very different at all."

"It's good to know I still have my dashing good looks." I hadn't had many chances to have a one on one talk with Blain. He was always nice, gentle, handsome, a jock with a heart of gold. That didn't mean he wasn't intimidating. Even after his body changed, he still looked like he could snap me in half, and his dude behaviour hadn't changed at all. "But I think you need to check a mirror. Maybe it's something to do with how you're acting, but you don't seem anything like your usual self."

I ran off. I needed to see what he meant.

----

"You think he's trans?" I asked. 

"Exactly, Joanne, and I don't think she's realised it yet."

"Why are you telling me this?" It felt like a major breach of privacy to be talking about them behind their back.

"Because you're the team leader, and I need someone else who knows, in case she doesn't realise by the time this wears off." 

"What do you mean?"

"If me and Astrus are correct, she's not going to get her old body back. You, Blain, Stella, and Alex are gonna change back, and she's either going to panic that she's going to change back, or going to panic when she doesnt change back. Maybe both, knowing her. You might have to comfort her." 

"So let me get this straight: Goldie is going to stay a girl?"

"Affirmative."

"And you want me to comfort her? Isn't Stella more suited to that? Why aren't you telling her?" Helping a cute girl feel better didn't sound like a bad time but it wasn't my field of expertise. 

"Because Stella doesn't have an obvious crush on her."  

"I don't have a crush on her! That's Goldie!" I tried to think back to the guy who said his face scared people. I was not going to crush on him.

"Her name's Angelica. I thought you would know that, after calling her Angel so many times?"

"Don't bring that up. I was delirious."

"You haven't been able to keep your eyes off her!"

"It's just this body! She was a guy, remember? Like, he's still in there. I'm not gonna crush on a guy just because he looks and acts like a girl now." I sounded like a douchey guy. I hated this voice. I had already done so much work to not feel predatory for liking women, but hearing myself talk about Gold made all that shit come back. 

"I don't think she was ever a guy, Joanne. How do you feel right now? Like in that body you have right now?" Why were they changing the subject? How was that relevant? I did need to vent, though, and Clay was a good ear. 

"I feel like shit," I confessed. "My eyes keep looking at her and it feels fucking gross. I thought I'd moved past feeling bad for being attracted to women."

"You just called her a woman."

"She looks like one, but it's skin deep. I'm looking at her face and her body but I was never into Gold before. My body and mind think she's adorable, but she is still him. Which makes it worse? Cause I'm objectifying her. She's a guy but this body doesn't care. She looks like a girl and therefore she's hot."

"The mental gymnastics here are astounding. How do you feel about your body?"

"I've been avoiding thinking about it."

"Makes sense. How would you feel if I asked you to go out in public right now? In that body?"

"I'd probably cry." That sounded terrifying.

"Look down at your body. How does it make you feel?"

I did as they asked and immediately regretted it. Logically I knew not much had changed: my chest was gone, my clothes didn't quite fit and I felt way too big. My shoulders felt constrained and my pants felt too loose.

"I hate it. It doesn't even feel like mine."

"I want you to fight me."

"But I'm exhausted."

"I have a point here, Joanne."

"Then why don't you just say it?"

"Because you need to feel it. When we spar you win every time, right?"

"Pretty much."

"Then you should be able to beat me while exhausted. Both of our bodies changed, so it's even." I wanted to see where this was going.

"Okay."

"You go."

"Alright."

I flew at them with a punch, which they dodged with ease. It was quite telegraphed, not too hard to dodge at the best of times. I went in for a right hook, and again they dodged. I tried to kick them in the side. They moved aside like it was nothing. I tried unleashing as many moves as I could, in as short a time as I could, and not one connected. Then they went in for a hit to the stomach. I could see it coming, I told my body to move, but before it responded the wind was knocked out of me.

"You're slow, Joanne."

"I told you, I'm exhausted."

"Is that it?"

"Obviously."

"You've destroyed me while running on fumes, Joanne. That's not it. You're fighting like Angie."

"I still fight better than them."

"She," they emphasised, "fights better than that."

"What are you getting at?"

"You're gonna fight her next."

"What, why?" What was the point of this? Had I done something to piss Clay off? Is that why they were humiliating me?

"I'll explain after."

"She's not as well trained as you or I, and I'm stronger now. What if I hurt her?"

"You underestimate her. I'll be back."

What were they trying to prove? I wanted to lay down, maybe curl up in a ball and cry, but despite the mix of emotions, I couldn’t bring myself to cry. My eyes wouldn't even sting. What was wrong with me?

"Hey, Joanne! You wanted to see me?" Goldie said. She was smiling so sweetly, her eyes were so warm, like they could melt even the coldest heart. There was no way she didn't know what she was doing. It must be so fun to mess with the terrified lesbian.

"Uh, hi Goldie--"

"Call me Angie." There was no way this wasn’t an act. She was too perfect.

"Clay thought we should spar," I said. It didn't sound like the worst idea anymore. He was acting all cute after I'd told him I was gay. There was no way it wasn't intentional. 

"I'm okay with that. Did you want to see if you were stronger or something?"

"Or something." He shouldn't have been messing with me. Even if I didn't have this stupid roided up body I could wipe the floor with him. 

"Start when you're ready," Clay said, and I lunged for Goldie's gut.

To my surprise, he dodged. Jumped to the side faster than I could hit him. This wasn't right. I followed it with a kick to the arm, and he jumped back. I tried to punch him in the chest and he blocked perfectly, before responding with an attack of his own. He kicked me in the leg, trying to get me off balance was a good strategy. But I wasn't going to let it work. The bracing I'd done to stop myself from falling left me perfect height for another punch to the gut. There was no way I was losing to him. He moved to the side before it collided and he kicked me in the side.

I lost. I was on the ground, defeated, by Goldie of all people. Had he been messing with us when he acted so sloppy in fights? 

"Joanne are you okay? I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?" He was pitying me. Mocking me. Looking like that and beating me, it had to be just some big joke. 

"Go away, Justin," I said sternly. I hated the voice that came out. A man on the brink of yelling. The worst kind of voice.

"It's Angie--" she started.

"Go away, Justin!" I yelled. 

I could see the hints of tears in her eyes as she ran off. Good. I didn't want her bothering me. 

"What is your problem, Joanne?" Clay demanded. They were the one that made that happen, why were they trying to lecture me? "She's going to be stuck like that, and you just made it clear she would never be safe here."

"He's fucking with us Clay, he's just not getting the dysphoria, and using it to toy with us." I hated this voice. The anger that seeped into it made hearing it hurt more. "I told him I was gay and now he's using it to mock me."

"What the hell? Ignoring just how disgusting what you said is, do you really think it's all about you?" I'd never heard Clay sound so angry. I'd never heard me sound so angry either.

"Why do you care? You didn’t even like him when he showed up! You almost made him quit.”

“We didn’t know what was up with her at the time. She was trying to help you!” Clay shouted.

“Beating me was helping me?”

"You said yourself you could beat her while exhausted."

"Then he was only pretending to be bad at fighting. I don't know. I don't know what's going on inside that guy’s head."

"I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say you're just lashing out and aren't actually a closet transphobe."

"What?"

"You are experiencing what Angelica feels like every day, idiot. Have you ever seen her show so much emotion, have you ever seen her smile as brightly as she has like this?"

"No," I admitted. "But that doesn't mean she isn't acting." Being angry at her was irrational. I knew that, we had bigger issues, but that didn’t change the fact that I wanted to scream, at Goldie, at Clay, at Dysphorus for doing this to me.

"You didn't see how she was before you came to your senses. Do you know how she reacted to you calling her an Angel?"

"How?"

"She blushed. A lot. I was surprised she was able to speak. She was so excited about being called pretty. If she was doing this to mock you why was she doing it when you weren't conscious?"

"But she was still Justin, the loner." Yeah he had opened up lately, but that didn't mean he wasn't weird and frustratingly vague most of the time. 

"And? Think about it, if you felt how you do now all the time, wouldn't you avoid other people?”

"Maybe."

"You're friends with her now. So why is it even an issue?" It wasn't -- well, it shouldn't be. They were right of course. "She's been dealing with what you just experienced for her entire life, and now she's free from it. I know you aren't the most perceptive, Joanne, but you have to see how happy she is." Clay was never the most gentle with their reality checks, but when you’re angry it was good to be reminded it wasn’t all about you. The urge to punch something was starting to calm. 

"I do. It's just--"

"It's just what? That you didn't think you'd crush on a girl like her?"

"No, it's just she changed so suddenly. She was Goldie and now she's gorgeous? She seems like a completely different person." The voice coming out of my mouth sounded more defeated than angry. 

"We just weren't paying attention. She's been asking us to call her Goldie since we found out who she was. I mean just today she had to stop playing basketball because Stella called her cute.” They were right. As they almost always were. 

"I need to apologise to her."

"Yeah, you do."

"What is wrong with me?" I wanted to cry, but my body wasn't responding.

"Probably dysphoria, and societal transphobia.

"It was rhetorical. I see why you were beating me up,” I tried to joke. 

“I wanted to test something, is all. Now go apologise or we lose her again."