CW: Reference to previous abuse

 

I take a deep, calming breath and look at the time, only an hour left of work. If I was going to do this today, I had to do it soon. Another deep breath, and I open the bottom drawer of my desk. What had been a junk drawer before, was now best described as a paper football graveyard. It had started as a cute way to make a new coworker feel more welcomed, but became a daily routine for the two of us. I retrieve my stack of multi-colored sticky notes, and a pen. I peel one up and press it to my desk. I stare at it for a long moment, just doing this made me feel like a high schooler again. But that’s one of things I found so infatuating about him, talking to him was simple and fun. I wanted more of him in my life, and I couldn’t deny that. It was really quite rude of him, here I was, a lesbian since 8th grade, and he had to go be adorable, cute, funny, and sweet. The audacity. 

 

Hey, do you have plans for this weekend? I fold the note, put it on the edge of my desk, and send it over our cubicle divider. 

 

My heart pounds in my chest as I wait for a reply. Fuck, what if he thought I was weird. Up until this point our conversation had been mostly surface level, some jokes and the occasional doodle. This felt like taking it to a different level, and what if he didn’t want that...

 

Midway through overthinking, a reply lands between my hands No, you?

 

I grab another sticky note and quickly write out my message, before I can change my mind. I was wondering if you would be interested in going on a date. 

 

Several minutes go by, all of the nailpolish has been picked off both of my thumbs. I debate writing another note, and asking if I said something wrong. Or maybe he is finding a way to tell me about his wife, or kid, or deranged woman living in his attic.... Ugh, what am I even supposed to do with a man? Oh god, my mother will say she was right... My mind swirls, hands get sweaty, and heart throbs. I’m about to pack up my stuff and go home early claiming to be sick when the next note lands on my desk.

 

I quickly peel it open. I would love to, but there is something you should know about me first... I’m a trans woman. 

 

Omg, thank god. I am a lesbian!! Mere words could not express the relief I felt as I sent over the football. 

 

It suddenly all made sense. A staple fact about myself hadn’t randomly changed, she was just a girl. I didn’t need to come out again, the lesbian flag in my room was no longer ironic, the universe made sense.

 

I am basking in my relief when her reply comes. Hehe, here’s my number, we should make plans for this weekend. 

 

We text for the rest of our shift, making plans for her to come to my apartment the next day. When our shift finally comes to an end I pack up, grab my bag, and meander to the end of the row of cubicles. I lean against the wall of the final one trying to look nonchalant and not like I am waiting for her. I don’t know if I was successful, but I can’t help but light up in a smile when she approaches. My success doesn’t matter, not when she matches my own smile as she walks up. I fall into stride next to her as we head out to our cars. We stop outside the front door, our cars on opposite sides of the lot. 

 

“So, this is where we part ways. See you tomorrow at five?” I can hear the excitement in my own voice, and it makes me blush. 

 

Her own cheeks grow rosey as well, “Yeah, I can’t wait, see you then.” 

 

Tomorrow comes faster than I thought it would, and soon she is at my front door, looking absolutely stunning. She wears a flowing pink skirt with a black shirt tucked in, and in her hand is a bundle of Daisies and native plants. 

 

“Wow.” is all I can manage to say, I’ve never seen her done up like this before. 

 

She giggles, blushes and holds out the flowers to me, “I got these for you.” 

 

I take them from her, and finally get my mouth to close, “You’re beautiful. I mean they’re beautiful. Um. Thank you.” my face burns as I stumble over my words, “come inside.” 

 

She follows me in, and I close the door behind her, heading to the kitchen to grab a vase while she takes off her shoes. I set the flowers down on the table among our dinner, homemade burritos, and the two small candles.. 

 

Dinner is… awkward at first. It is very obvious that neither of us are very good at small talk. She’s cute in that way that makes me blush a lot. I strike gold when I ask her what she does for fun. She talks about video games and writing while I follow her honey voice down whatever rabbit trails we can find. It feels like we talk about everything and nothing until both candles have a notable layer of liquid.

 

When our food is gone and the conservation hits a lull we move to the living room sitting next to each other on the couch. We scroll through Netflix until she suggests a movie that I quickly agree to. I’m not really paying attention to which one, she's so pretty, and she has me so nervous. I set the remote down and lean back next to her. Our legs press together as we sit and a few minutes after the title screen plays, I slip my hand onto her knee. We sit comfortably like that until she lets out a yawn, stretching her arm over my shoulder. 

 

I giggle and snuggle more comfortably into her side, letting my hand slip further up her thigh, “if I knew you were bringing this much cheese, I would have broken out the wine.”

 

She blushes hard, “I… just… it seemed like… a good-“

 

I gaze up at her, she looks unbelievably cute as she stumbles over her words. Her cheeks are flush and she has the most adorable, nervous smile. I take a slow calming breath before closing the small amount of space between our lips. She lets out a surprised squeak that turns to a content sigh as she melts into my touch. 

 

After a moment I break the kiss, neither of us pulling away, “I’m sorry… you were being so precious...”

 

My words fade off as she presses back into me. Her lips invitingly part for me and she gently presses her fingers into my hair. I push more surely into her, letting myself get lost in the softness of her lips. My breathing deepens as she toys with the hair at the back of my neck, stirring the butterflies in my stomach and some even lower. I wrap my arm up around her back and run my fingers over her shoulders, before tangling them into her hair. I break the kiss, guiding her mouth along my jawline. Her lips grow hotter against my skin and she elicits a soft moan from me by the time she reaches the soft spot behind my ear. 

 

Her hand slips down from the back of my neck, across my chest to caress my breast. My nipple springs up under my bra, sending electricity down to my clit. I rub and massage her inner thigh, my hand slowly working towards her crotch over her skirt. She grows more confident with each sound of pleasure that escapes me, kissing further down my neck. My heart pounds in my ears as my fingers move over her soft bulge. 

 

I pull my hand away with surprise as fiery anxiety makes my blood cold, “wait.” My clit throbs in protest as I place my hand over hers and I gently push her away, “I’ve… I’ve never done anything with someone…. With… um…” I blush hard and vaguely gesture to her crotch area. “And…. I umm…. I have… some trauma… and I’m nervous.” 

 

In the time that I have been stumbling over my words, she has leaned back on the couch. She holds my hand, squeezing it lightly as she lets me ramble. 

 

“We don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” Her words are soft and genuine, “I am perfectly fine taking this at your pace, and not any faster.”

 

I guide her arm around my shoulder and lean against her once more, “You are very sweet. Just, understand this has nothing to do with you. I’ve had a wonderful time, and I like you.” 

 

She nods, extending her other hand to me, which I happily take, interlacing our fingers. “I do understand, don’t worry. I’ve had a great time, too.” 

 

We both look at the movie, and I pretend to watch it as I read the names of all the movies on my entertainment center, feeling more grounded by the time I am done.

 

I settle more comfortably into her and after a few minutes I speak up again, “Would you want to try again? I… I don’t think I’d want to go below clothing… but I really liked kissing you.” 

 

“I would like that, yes.” as she replies, I sit up, turning towards her, and drop her hand, bringing mine to her shoulder. 

 

She stays leaned back as I press our lips together. Her’s are soft and open against mine while her arm slips down around my waist. My hand moves up into her auburn hair, and at the same time I shift onto my knees more. I finally break the kiss to take a breath, gently nuzzling my nose against hers. 

 

“Am… am I allowed to touch you?”

 

I pause for a moment, reading my own body, “Yeah, I think that would be okay.” 

 

I lean in again, caressing her ear as our lips connect, “if you need me to stop, just let me know.” she mumbles sweetly against my lips. 

 

Her arm tightens more surely around my waist, and her other hand gently rubs my shoulder. I sigh softly, using the moment our lips are apart to lay light kisses along her jawline. She tilts her head to the side, and I follow the movement, my lips getting hotter against her supple skin the lower I get. My fingers slowly drift down her neck and across her arm, finally resting a top hers. I guide her hand downward. She presses more surely into my breast, starting to grope and massage me under my light direction. My nipple once more, eliciting a high pitched gasp. 

 

“I… I would… be okay taking off my shirt.”

 

She pulls back from me, and I shift to straddle her knee as I cross my arms over my front, grabbing the bottom hem of my shirt. I pull it over my head in one swift motion, tossing it to the side as I lean back into her. She presses her lips more surely to mine, one of her hands stroking my back, while the other returns to massaging me over my bra. 

 

“N-not under it, please.” I manage through my quiet sounds of pleasure. 

 

“Okay baby, don’t worry, you are safe with me.” as the words leave her, I tangle my fingers into her hair.

 

I guide her head down ward, and she follows my lead, kissing down the front of my neck. Her touch grows hotter as I push her head lower until she is showering my cleavage in sloppy kisses. She uses both hands to cup and massage them, pushing them up and together. My moans slowly grow louder, and I can’t help but grind against her leg.

 

One of her hands starts to drift lower, stopping on my stomach just below my belly button, “May I?” she mumbles, looking up at me. 

 

“Y-yeah, just outside the pants, baby.” I caress her cheek, guiding her lips to mine and letting my hand drift further down over the front of her shirt. 

 

Her small budding breast poke through her shirt, the nipples instantly perking up under my touch. At the same time her hand drifts lower settling with her fingers applying pressure directly above my clit. I start grinding more enthusiastically against her, each movement causing pleasure to radiate through my hips. My thumb circles one of her nipples, rewarding me with more moans of pleasure from the beautiful woman beneath me. 

 

Desire builds in my core, my each movement getting needier. She grinds back into me, her breathing getting deeper with every passing moment. Finally, it all grows too much and I reach down to start undoing my pants. 

 

“Stay outside the underwear.” I say quickly as I grab her hand and start pushing it between the layers of fabric. 

 

I lean in again, pressing my mouth to her neck. My lips part and I surely bite down on her soft skin. She lets out a gasp as her fingers curl underneath me, rubbing me through my damp panties. I nibble and suck on her skin, moans escaping my throat with every thrust of my hips. My clit throbs under her fingers, and heart pounds behind my ears. I suddenly dig my nails into her shoulder, taking a sharp breathe in before letting out a loud moan as more wetness gushes into my panties and my center spasms erratically. 

 

Her hand moves with my hips, allowing me to ride out the waves of pleasure. I finally fall against her, resting my forehead on her shoulder. As we both try to catch our breath, I glance down to see her skirt now tented at her crotch. I bite my lip and take a much slower, deep breath. She isn’t going to hurt me, she isn’t him, I am safe. The mantra repeats in my head as she slowly slips her hand out of my pants. Her fingers glisten with my wetness. She brings them up to her lips, locking eyes with me as she slips two of them into her mouth, letting out a satisfied moan. 

 

“Oh fuck, that’s hot.” with the last word I press my lips back to hers, pressing my tongue into her mouth. 

 

She moves her tongue against mine, my fluids still on it. We kiss passionately, and I reach down to rub her thigh. I keep my hand moving, hiding the slight shakiness. I want this, I want to touch her, and make her feel good. She isn’t going to hurt me, she isn’t him, I am safe. I repeat it to myself as our kisses grow slower, my confidence building up with each of her soft sighs. I pause as my fingers approach her member through the fabric. 

 

“Um, I’ve never… done this before…” I blush hard, stammering through my words. 

 

“It’s okay honey, we don’t have to do anything you aren’t ready for.” she wraps her arm around my waist and gives me a comforting squeeze, “this goes at your pace baby, if I don’t finish tonight, it's perfectly fine.”

 

“I want to… I’m just nervous… and like… I’ve never even touched a…” my cheeks feel on fire, and I feel like dying. 

 

She giggles sweetly, and places a hand over mine, “That’s no reason to be nervous, I can teach you whatever you are ready to learn.” 

 

“I think I am… I want to try.” We move our hands together, further up her thigh and she leads me to gently grip her through the fabric. 

 

Her hand rests over mine as I start to rub her length, “just like this baby girl, you are doing so good.” She directs me into a fluid pumping motion and I watch as a steady stain grows on the fabric of her skirt, “oh, you are making me so wet.”  she gasps, kissing my ear.

 

“You are so sexy, princess” my grip grows more sure with each of her feminine sounds. 

 

“O-oh yes baby, I’m your sexy princess.” The words come out more like moans than speech.

 

“Do you like that? When I tell you what a beautiful princess you are.” Her hand is very loose over mine as she guides my thumb up, making it curve across the top of her soaked tip. 

 

She nods and leans her head back, her breathing getting deeper, “Y-yes, oh baby please keep going.”

 

“Mm, want me to tell you what a slutty girl you are, getting all wet like this for me, and on our first date.” She slows our pace, gently squeezing my hand, encouraging me into a milking motion.

 

“Y-yes, I’m… your slutty princess.” She manages to get out between her moans. 

 

“Oh what a good girl, already knowing her place.” I coo, starting to speed the pace up. 

 

“I’m your good girl, mommy.” She whimpers, “oh fuck can I climax. Oh please.”

 

I keep my pace up, leaving it up to her will power to hold back the explosion of pleasure, “only if you tell me what a good, sexy princess you are for me.”

 

“I’m your sexy, little princess.” She moans out, as white seed begins to soak through her skirt. “Y-your slutty… hot… girl.” Another gush of her nectar comes with each word, ruining her skirt and completely covering my hand. 

 

I watch it glisten off my skin as she guides my fingers to her mouth. She sucks and licks each of them, starting at my pinky and ending with my thumb. As soon as she finishes, I follow my impulse and push my lips firmly to hers again. She parts her lips invitingly for me, and after a brief pause, I slip my tongue into her mouth. I move my tongue sensually with hers, taking in her sweet taste. Our soft indulgent moans fill the evening air, until I break the kiss for air. 

 

I press my forehead to hers, “you are amazing.” 

 

“No, you.” She blushes and kisses my nose. 

 

We spend a few quiet moments softly nuzzling our noses together when I look down to her ruined skirt again, “um, there is a laundromat down the hall, and I have something you could wear.”

 

“I might take you up on the outfit, but it’s getting late and I should start driving home soon.”

 

“Would it be weird if I said I didn’t want you to leave yet?” 

 

She smiles and pecks me on the lips, “Not at all.”

 

“Would you want to spend the night? I’m happy to sleep on the couch and we could do something together in the morning…” my voice starts to fade off as I realize my idea sounds a bit dumb out loud.

 

She scoffs, “I’m not making you sleep on the couch in your own home.” Her voice softens as she pets my side, “but I wouldn’t mind sleeping on it, and a morning with you sounds lovely.”

 

“Alright! Let me get you something to wear.” 

 

We both change into some sweat pants and T-shirts before putting her laundry into the wash. I spend the rest of the evening sitting on the end of the couch while she lays across it, her head on my chest. My fingers slowly explore over the back of her shirt while I watch her blinks grow longer and voice fall lower as sleep looms nearer. She almost makes it through another movie, but by the time the credits are rolling, she is softly snoring. I carefully get out from under her, managing to tuck her in on the couch without fully waking her. After turning off the tv, I sneak back to my room, soon falling into my own slumber. 

 

The next time I’m awake, it’s upright in bed gasping for breath. My jaw is throbbing, but I can’t focus on that for long. Cold morning air strikes my sweat drenched shirt causing shivers to shoot through me. I wrench it off, bunching up the damp fabric and wiping more moisture from myself before tossing it towards my hamper. My hands shake as I bring them to my head, running my fingers through my hair as I look around my dark room. I fix my eyes on the glow of my alarm clock until the numbers come into focus. 4am. 

 

Ugh, I just want sleep. I groan and begin mustering enough consciousness to slump out of my bed. I grab some new clothes from my dresser and drag myself to the shower. My movements feel robotic as I turn on the water and finish undressing. The hot water washes the night from my skin and soon I barely feel it. I float there, both in and out of reality, each of my quiet breaths echoing through my head. My eyes are open, but no data is received, my mind feels like a loading icon, left forever spinning. 

 

A knock at the door and her soft voice pull me back from the in between, “Hey, is everything okay in there?”

 

Shit, how long had I been here? My pruned hands provide some insight, “Y-yeah, I-I’m okay. Just had a bad dream and decided to shower.”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry honey, do you want to talk about it?”

 

Cold water pounds on my back, “I don’t really remember the nightmare itself.” I flip off the faucet and start climbing out of the shower. 

 

“Anything I can do to help?” I can hear her concern through the door, she is so precious. 

 

“Would you want to spend the rest of the night in my bed? I might sleep better with the company.” I try to keep my voice light, but truly I dreaded the idea of returning to my dark room alone. 

 

“Yeah, I can do that. I’ll- um, wait for you there.” I can hear her walk away as I dry myself and get dressed. 

 

I come back to my room to find her laying on her side waiting for me, her eyes heavy but open. 

 

“Hey, cutie.” I whisper as I slip into bed next to her.

 

“Hey, you okay?” She curls up against my side as I put my arm around her shoulder.

 

“Yeah baby, I’m fine.” I start gently rubbing her arm and we sit in silence for a few moments. 

 

“Is it anything I did?” I can barely hear her nervous whisper.

 

“Oh no princess, not at all.” I give her a comforting squeeze, “you never hurt me, you aren’t the reason I have nightmares. I may need to desensitize a bit, and this may happen again as I learn this is safe, but it is never your fault.”

 

“Okay. I understand, and I’ll do everything I can to make you feel safe, you are safe with me.”

 

I kiss the top of her head. “I feel safe with you, I just need to teach my body to do that too. If that makes sense.” 

 

“Yeah, I guess it does. Anything I can do to help with that?” she rests her head a bit more surely on my chest. 

 

“Come back for a second date. As I get more positive experience with um… her, the more my body will come to associate it with something good. And I like you, I want this to be something good.” I feel like I am rambling again, and I am thankful the darkness for hiding my blush.

 

“If that was your way of asking me out again, the answer is yes.” she yawns, draping her arm over my stomach, “and I’m happy to let you get as much experience with her as you want.” 

 

I giggle and start to draw small circles between her shoulder blades, “I think I am going to take you up on that offer.” 

 

She mumbles something, her words cutting off mid sentence as she falls asleep in my arms. I continue petting her until my eyes grow heavy and her soft snores lull me to sleep.