It's been 4 years since I graduated from college, by now I could've continued studying and have two graduations. But I didn't lived at all. Prior to college I never experienced any of the usual milestones of teenagehood. I never went to a party, I didn't had friends to hang out and do stupid things with. I don't have any fun stories or wild memories because all I ever did was go to school, go back home, sit in front of a computer screen for hours daydreaming about living a normal life like all the other kids. It was around this time I came to terms with being trans, and ever since the feeling of being an alien unlike everyone else consumes me.

College wasn't that different, I remained living at home with my parents. I didn't do anything either, I just went to college and then back home to my computer. I was still the quiet creep who doesn't speak to anyone. By a miracle I got an internship, but I couldn't keep working there after graduating, and 4 years later that remains my only job experience.

I had such a different idea of where I would be by now. I would have traveled a lot, I would have a few but good friends, I would have fallen in love and gotten married. I would be starting to think about children. But I was born a freak and will never be able to do that. I know nothing about anything, I never experienced things everyone does like their first kiss or the first time they got wasted. I never been anywhere, even inside my own state let alone internationally. I've never been on a plane. I've never been to a party, never been to a club, never went out drinking with friends because I haven't had any since I turned 14.

It hurts so much to see everyone around me going on with their lives while I never got to live mine. It used to be easier to brush these feelings aside, it felt like I still had time to make a change. But now at 25 I feel so old, the past 4 years passed by so quickly that I fear that I'll wake up tomorrow and find out I turned 30. 

My youth is all I have and I'm loosing it.