“It’s all your fault!”

‘No!’ 

“It’s all because of you!”

‘I didn’t know, please...’

Darkness. Something soft was in my hands. I heard a little angry voice.

“Gimme back my Dollie!!!”.

There was a slight tugging force on the soft object in my hands followed by a loud rip. Light instantly filled my vision. And in its wake severe blurriness. A little figure ran forward.

“Wait!!!” I tried to scream but the words seemed to vanish as they came out. I screamed at the top of my lungs but the feet continued forward. I wanted to run forward to grab her—to save her—tell her I was sorry. But it felt like I was wading through viscous liquid. My chest burned as I struggled to move forward but no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t fast enough. She moved around a corner swiftly and then the scream came. The scream that haunted the depths of my heart, tore my soul to pieces.

Darkness enveloped my vision, all was lost. Sensations, sanity, soul… 

‘I killed her and that is the truth’

There was no other truth, I was a murderer.

‘I’m evil’

‘Can’t do anything right!!!’

A small hope arose in the corner

‘But it wasn’t—’

I dashed it immediately.

‘No! She’s dead because of me’

‘She died because of a worthless piece of shit like me!!!’

I am nothing but a vile murderer, the air that I breathed was wasted on me. My parents were only acting that way because of me. I killed the joy of their life and for that reason alone I deserve the worst things. Ripping my flesh is insufficient, breaking my bones is not enough, giving my life would never atone for sins I committed. Beyond the sin of existing, the greatest of all was causing the death of another with my existence.

Every good thing I got meant someone more important didn’t have it. I killed her! I killed her I killed her I killed her! As worthless as I am I had the guts to kill another, one unfortunate to be related to the waste of space that I am.

The image played again, I, as the worst of the worst ripped a doll of another, another whose worth I could never measure up to. I as the cruelest taunted her by my cursed lips. I, as a useless existence, watched her fall and caused the death of another. I as trash was too scared to take my life.

‘Stupid stupid stupid STUPID!’

Pity, I don’t deserve it! Family, I don’t deserve it! Friends, I don’t deserve them! The love I don’t deserve! Life, I don’t deserve it!!! That I received any of these was a grave error in accordance with my existence.

I stupidly tried to hope, greedily tried to want, and desperately tried to believe… in things I do not deserve. 

Suddenly the darkness faded away. I saw the look on their faces, the hatred they bore. I wanted to run, to hide away from it but it latched itself onto me and bore deep into my soul. 

‘Is this what death feels like?’

It was cold, so cold it hurt on the outside and deep within my bones. There was a faint piercing odor of something I couldn’t remember. Something crawled beneath my skin ripping muscle and tissue part, I was not afforded the luxury of a scream, only able to tremble in silent agony.

I wasn’t the victim, I was the villain. And due to my negligence, another lost his life.  Miquel Chan. Because I wallowed in self-pity, I refused to do something, hoping that maybe if others were suffering the same fate then I was not all that useless. Tugging… something was tugging at me.

Each time my focus shifted to it vanished instantly leaving confusion and emptiness then frustration. When I least expected it, it would suddenly materialize.

A myriad of voices erupted suddenly filling every- whatever I was in. 

‘You killed her’

‘You killed her’

‘Murderer…’

‘Murderer…’

“Shut up! Stop !”

‘Murderer…’

“I already know that!” I screamed, I had no mouth but the words formed either way.

‘You accept your punishment. Yes?’

“Yes.”

And then it descended. Indescribable pain. All was pain. The smell from before, I suddenly could remember. It was antiseptic. The myriad of voices began to fade as I realized where I felt the pain.

A whisper arose, barely audible.

‘Here is your penance’

Before I could comprehend the words another voice arose

“Stirring… He’s stirring!” 

It faded into faint mutters. There was a distant sound of Air rushing… A vent. 

I suddenly felt my body, fingers, face head, legs all of it. And the excruciating pain in each part. There was something bright, bringing me discomfort. My eyes slowly fluttered open. A light bulb on an Immaculate white ceiling, the sound of footsteps scurrying about.

‘Why?!’

‘Why!!’

‘Why didn’t I die!!!’