The sun-drenched cafeteria of Ridgewood High was a loud, chaotic ecosystem of SoCal teenagers—but the table tucked into the window nook was an undisputed island of royalty. Sunlight glinted off juice boxes, polished tabletops, and strawberry halves.

Alex Griffin leaned back in his chair, brushing a honey-brown, shoulder-length wave out of his hazel eyes. As the varsity baseball team’s prodigy shortstop, his preternatural, almost balletic grace on the field translated perfectly to how he casually dismantled a beautifully tiered bento box.

Beside him sat his double-play partner, Jamie Hayes. Jamie’s vivid green anime big eyes were intensely focused on arranging a perfect bite of rice and ginger pork. Together, the two boys had completely spoiled the table, laying out their own intricate lunches alongside a massive platter of crisp karaage and decorative apple rabbits. Nobody at the table knew about jupiter.cooking—Jamie’s secret, million-follower Instagram dedicated to anonymous, music-free, pure choppity-chop ASMR displays of his incredible knifework—but they certainly reaped the delicious benefits.

“I’m just saying,” Justin Harrington sighed, tossing a grape into the air and catching it in his mouth. The towering, TD&H quarterback had a heart of pure gold but was currently wrestling with a profound tragedy. “Spring Formal is a scam for guys. The girls get these amazing, colorful dresses. What do I get? A black tuxedo. Again. I look like an oversized penguin.”

Danny Park, the football team’s kicker and Justin’s best friend, clapped him on the shoulder. “A handsome penguin, bro.”

“It’s just the aesthetic,” Kayla, a cheerleader whose chaotic energy was only matched by her friendliness, chimed in around a bite of an apple rabbit. “Girls just have more options. Plus, you guys don’t have to spend two hours doing your hair and makeup.”

Chloe, the fiercely organized student council president, nodded in agreement. “True. Though I wouldn’t trade the clothes for anything.”

Across the table, Riley Rivera, the softball captain, leaned comfortably against her girlfriend, Maya. “Honestly, the guys’ locker room smells like a biohazard—even from the outside. I’ll take the makeup routine any day.”

That was when Alex casually entered the chat, chopstick poised in the air.

“Well, yeah, obviously,” Alex said, his tone ringing with absolute sincerity. “Being a guy is honestly the worst. If guys actually had the choice, everyone would hit the button to be a girl.”

Jamie nodded vigorously, his dark brown hair bouncing slightly. “Right? It’s just objectively better in every single way. Being a boy is just... ugh. Terrible.”

The ambient chatter at the table dialed down a fraction.

Alex didn’t notice, fully warming up to the topic. “Think about it. Girls are pretty. You get soft skin, there’s no yucky, thick body hair to constantly deal with, nothing awkward getting in the way...”

“The clothes are infinitely nicer,” Jamie added, his eyes lighting up as he and Alex effortlessly bounced off each other like a conversational double-play. “And the way girls socialize with each other is just so much warmer. Why would anyone choose to be a guy when being a girl is right there as the obvious upgrade?”

“Exactly,” Alex agreed, raising his water bottle. “It’s just a universal truth. Being a guy is awful, so if given the option, 100% of guys are smashing that button.”

Jamie clinked his juice box against Alex’s water bottle. “Preach.”

Silence fell over the nook table. It wasn’t a hostile silence, but rather the stunned, buffering quiet of several different high schoolers trying to process what they had just heard.

Justin blinked his large, golden-retriever eyes, looking deeply confused. He slowly turned to Danny, who was staring at Alex & Jamie with a piece of chicken suspended halfway to his mouth.

Brittany, the senior cheer co-captain, exchanged a bewildered look with Chloe. Riley and Maya just looked at each other, a silent, knowing communication passing between the pitcher and catcher.

Next to Jamie, Lena Vance casually crossed her legs. The blonde California-girl bombshell, who practically commanded the room despite standing only a hair taller than Jamie & Alex, didn’t even blink. She just took a delicate sip from her iced latte, a profoundly amused, knowing smirk playing on her lips. She had been fiercely protective of Jamie—and by extension, Alex—since they were kids playing in the Southern California sunshine. She wasn’t going to say a word to interrupt this. Let them cook.

Justin finally broke the silence, his deep voice cautious, like he was stepping onto a frozen pond.

“Wait... bro,” Justin said, looking between the two baseball players. “What... what button?”

Jamie paused, looking around at the baffled faces of their friends. “You know. The hypothetical button. The one every guy thinks about pressing to instantly become a girl.”

Alex looked genuinely puzzled by their confusion. “Yeah, Justin. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about it?”

Justin stared blankly. “I... I literally just want a dark blue velvet tuxedo.”

The cafeteria hummed around them, but at the nook table, you could hear a pin drop.

Justin Harrington, bless his pure golden heart, looked like someone had just asked him to write a thesis in ancient Greek. He set his grape down on his lunch tray carefully.

“Wait,” Justin said, his brow furrowing as he looked between the two baseball players. “So you’re saying... you guys want to be girls?”

“Well, obviously,” Alex replied, picking up a piece of ginger pork with his chopsticks and gesturing with it as if he were explaining a basic double-play strategy. “Who wouldn’t? Guys are loud, the locker room constantly smells like a toxic cloud of Axe body spray and old sweat, and guy clothes are literally just rigid rectangles of denim. It’s a miserable existence.”

“Exactly,” Jamie chimed in, leaning forward, his big green eyes wide with earnest conviction. “And don’t even get me started on the whole body hair thing. Why would anyone want to be hairy and scratchy? Being a girl means you get to wear cute things, do fun makeup, and just... be soft. It’s just the superior operating system for a human.”

Danny Park instinctively reached up to rub his freshly growing chin stubble, looking mildly offended. “I mean... I kind of like my facial hair, dude. Makes me look older.”

Alex scoffed affectionately, shaking his honey-brown locks. “That’s just what guys say to cope, Danny. Deep down, every guy looks at the cheer squad or the girls’ volleyball team and thinks, ‘Wow, I wish I could wear a skirt, have my hair braided, and be one of the girls.’ It’s just basic human nature.”

“Yeah, strictly hypothetical normal guy thoughts,” Jamie agreed, happily biting the ears off an apple rabbit.

Across the table, Riley Rivera slowly lowered her sandwich. The softball captain exchanged a loaded, wide-eyed look with her girlfriend, Maya.

“Alex... Jamie...” Riley started, her voice carefully measured. “You two do realize that actual guys... usually like being guys, right? Like, they enjoy it. They don’t spend their time wishing they could wear skirts.”

Alex gave Riley a pitying look. “Riley, come on. They’re just repressing it because of society. If you put a button in front of the football team that instantly turned them into cute girls, the stampede would be fatal.”

Maya buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter. “Oh my god,” she muttered into her palms. “They’re completely serious.”

Brittany, the senior cheer co-captain, looked like she was witnessing a magic trick she didn’t quite understand, while Kayla was simply nodding along as if this was standard Tuesday conversation. Chloe, ever the analytical student council president, was staring at Jamie and Alex with a dawning realization that practically lit up like a lightbulb over her head.

Next to Jamie, Lena shifted smoothly. She bumped her shoulder affectionately against his, then nudged a few strawberries onto his plate with quiet, unthinking care.

“Let them speak their truth, Riley,” Lena said, her tone dripping with sweet, amused California drawl. She reached over, her manicured fingers gently tucking a loose, dark brown strand of hair behind Jamie’s ear with practiced familiarity. “I think their logic is absolutely flawless.”

Jamie beamed at her, completely missing the loaded subtext of the entire table’s reaction. “See? Lena gets it.”

Justin, having fully processed the conversation, suddenly smiled warmly. He leaned across the table, his handsome face the picture of earnest, unwavering support.

“Well, hey,” Justin said loudly, completely unbothered. “I don’t really get the button thing, but for the record? If you guys ever did become girls, I support you. Honestly, you’d make great girls. You both already have way prettier hair than most of the girls at school.”

Justin leaned back, still smiling, his expression warm and completely gentle.

Jamie blushed, ducking his head slightly, while Alex flipped his honey-brown hair over his shoulder with a confident smirk.

Alex let out a long, wistful sigh. He reached into the pocket of his varsity jacket and pulled out a satin silk, pastel pink scrunchie. With practiced, effortless grace, he gathered his honey-brown waves and piled them high on top of his head, securing them into a perfectly styled, girly messy bun that instantly framed his face.

“Thanks, Justin,” Alex said, his hazel eyes looking tragically resigned. “But sadly, that’s impossible in the real world. Magical genderbending is strictly an anime-only thing. We’re just stuck dealing with this.” He gestured vaguely to his own pretty, androgynous face.

Danny Park blinked, completely bewildered. “Bro... you’re not ‘stuck.’ You’re literally our star shortstop.”

Jamie tilted his head, his dark brown hair shifting against his neck. His big green eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion as he looked between the quarterback and the kicker.

“Wait a second,” Jamie said, setting his chopsticks down next to his bento box. “Are you guys telling me... you actually enjoy being guys?”

Justin and Danny answered in unison. “Uh... yeah?”

Alex & Jamie slowly turned to look at each other. A silent, telepathic conversation passed between the two baseball players—a shared look of profound confusion mixed with genuine pity.

“Like... genuinely?” Alex pressed, leaning forward and resting his chin on his hands. “You aren’t just saying that because society expects you to? You don’t wake up and just... wish you were soft and pretty and part of the girls’ sleepovers?”

“I literally love being a dude,” Danny said, pointing to himself. “I like lifting heavy things and growing a beard. I have zero desire to go to a girls’ sleepover.”

“Same,” Justin nodded happily. “Being a guy is awesome. Except for the tuxedo thing.”

Jamie leaned back in his chair, looking at Justin and Danny as if they had just grown second heads. “Wow,” Jamie murmured, shaking his head. “That is... so weird.”

“Honestly, it’s a little bizarre,” Alex agreed, adjusting his pink scrunchie. He looked at Danny with deep concern. “I mean, do you guys need to talk to someone about that? It sounds like Stockholm Syndrome.”

Riley snorted so hard she nearly choked on her water, and Maya had to quickly pat her back to keep her from coughing up a lung. Chloe took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose, murmuring something about “the statistical impossibility of this level of denial.”

Lena, however, was thriving.

The blonde co-captain gracefully leaned an elbow on the table, resting her cheek in her hand as she beamed at her two favorite people. Sitting beside Jamie, she looked completely at home—her presence an absolute anchor of affection.

“I think it’s very brave of Justin and Danny to admit their weird little quirks,” Lena purred, her easy California cadence smooth as honey. She reached over and gently tapped Jamie’s nose. “Don’t judge them too harshly, okay? Not everyone can have your flawless logic.”

“I guess,” Jamie conceded, picking up a piece of tamagoyaki. “It takes all kinds to make a world, right Lexi?”

“True,” Alex nodded sagely, entirely unaware that the entire table was holding back a collective scream. “We just have to be accepting of their weird guy choices.”

DianaGreen

Uhh... sorry y’all, it’s another AU! :D The Ridgewoodverse expands because this idea would not leave me alone.

Also, I love, need, and live off hearts, ratings, and especially comments! Lemme know whatchu think—even if it’s 💩