Rainbow

Disclaimer: this chapter features a character having an anxious breakdown

I looked up at Alex as she finished her spell, and then I realized with shock I was actually looking up. Normally, Alex was about a head shorter than me, and now she was significantly taller. I froze for a couple of seconds just processing my feelings about this, and, outside of the still present anxiety, I was having problems finding negative ones.

“Oh, umm… I didn’t expect that much of a change, let me fix your clothes quickly.”

She did some other sort of spell, and suddenly all the clothes I was wearing fit, which felt really weird, considering that I might have been wearing clothes that were a bit too big for the last couple of years. In fact, the close fit of my clothes very quickly reminded me about, and amplified the fact I was feeling exposed, at which I shifted uncomfortably and tried to cover myself somehow.

“Oh, are you feeling cold?” Alex asked.

While she misinterpreted what I was feeling, I didn’t feel like explaining the feelings I still didn’t understand, so I just nodded.

“That happens sometimes. I’ll try to find something that might fit you in my closet, be back in a sec,” and with that, she left me alone in the room.

I was left with two obvious choices, either confront my feelings, or… I felt the pang of fear as I looked towards the mirror. I mean, it couldn’t be that bad, right? In fact, I had troubles imagining anything worse than what I usually saw in there. I took an admittedly tiny step, and started to, very carefully, approach the mirror. When I reached it, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and turned around to face it.

The first thing that hit me was that this face, this person I’d never seen before seemed infinitely more familiar than the face I’d seen in mirrors all my life. The second thing was that it was a very positive kind of familiarity, and the third thing was that, wherever I looked, every single thing about this body was really good.

I mean, just look at my hair! It reached just to my neck, but it had so much volume and softness it almost seemed like it was freshly stylized, while at the same time looking natural. And the best part? It was freaking light blue! I mean, how cool is that?

When it came to how the body was built, it wasn’t just short, it was also generally tiny. Definitely on the lower end of what you expect a sixteen-year-old to look like, but not to the point where it was weird; it, again, looked very much natural, probably at least partially due to the fact that it was… a bit not-slim? Honestly, I’ve heard most words to do with body weight used in the negative context so much that I couldn’t bring myself to use them, they just felt… bad. I guess the best description I had would be ‘slightly chubby’.

And of course, there was the part I was kind of avoiding. The part that contributed to just how nice it felt, but also filled me with fear and shame. The part that I probably needed to admit to myself, even though it felt like I didn’t deserve it. I could do it, it all just came down to one word after all.

Yup, just one word. I could do it.

Here I go.

G-girl.

There, I said it!

Or thought it, I guess.

I realized I’d probably need to think it more than just once, but now that I thought about it, it sounded a lot like a future me sort of problem.

I wondered briefly if it was one of the reasons Abigail needed some time a couple days ago. I mean, she said she needed to sort some stuff out or something, but at the same time… she just seemed so confident in herself now. She had a handle on who she was, and it boosted her confidence a lot, and I simply couldn’t imagine her struggling with this sort of stuff. I probably wouldn’t be nearly as confident as her even if I had all of my own stuff figured out. Not that I minded, I’d much rather stay on the side and just be small and not get in the way while she did the confident stuff. It just felt more honest.

It was then that the rather unpleasant realization hit me. That’s how it all started, wasn’t it? I’d been honest before. I mean, I was just a little kid; I didn’t exactly have a choice but to be honest about how I felt. But they didn’t like when I was honest. Everybody got angry at me, or laughed at me, or was just annoyed by me. That’s why I’d stopped expressing myself.

The face in the mirror now had tears flowing down it. Oh no. No no no no no. They all got worse when I cried. Especially my parents. My parents hated it when I cried. They all hated it when I cried. I wanted to stop, I wanted it all to stop, but every time I tried I couldn’t, and they got even angrier, or more annoyed, or laughed more, and it made it all worse and I just wanted to be left alone but I couldn’t and I couldn’t stop and now I couldn’t stop either.

I had to stop, maybe if I stopped myself now, it wouldn’t happen again, maybe I could still stop the repeat of my past mistakes. I looked at the mirror again. I wanted people to see me as this body, but they wouldn’t. They’d remember how I used to look and they’d mock me and laugh and then I’d cry and it’d get even worse and I wouldn’t be able to stop.

I couldn’t do it.

I wasn’t strong enough; it was too scary, but going back was too scary too. I was stuck again.

I abandoned all the illusions I’d be able to stop myself from crying, all my willpower was being spent on just silencing the sobs. I couldn’t stop it even if I tried so hard it hurt, and it hurt a lot. My eyes hurt and my throat hurt and I just had to stop myself from making a noise, Sophie and Abigail were just behind the door and it was too scary to even think how they’d react.

I heard light knocking on the door and let out a weird noise in surprise.

I covered my mouth, but it was too late now. I ran from the mirror, quickly finding a hiding place behind a sofa. I sat on the floor and tried to take up the least space possible. As I heard the door open, I covered my head and closed my eyes and tried my best to stay unmoving and silent, even if some high-pitched little noises were getting out once in a while.

My stomach sank as I heard Sophie’s voice. “Is everything okay? We’ve heard a no—” I made another involuntary noise and she paused.

With the sound of each careful step, I kept shaking more and more.

Eventually, the steps stopped, and I heard a soft gasp. I risked taking a peek, but as soon as I saw my sister’s surprised face, I covered my face out of fear. She hated me already, didn’t she? I mean, why wouldn’t she, if anything, it should have come sooner…

And suddenly, so quickly I didn’t even begin to notice, I was wrapped in the softest hug I ever remembered experiencing. She was making soothing as she rocked me gently from side to side.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Deep breaths, it’s going to be okay,” she said.

I was trying to apologize, to say anything, but I couldn’t, words were either interrupted by sobs, or turned into wails.

“Remember what I always told you, just let it happen,” she added.

I decided to try to do just that; it was really hard, but it was the only thing I could really do. To my surprise, it started to hurt less.

At some point, I got covered from the back by some sort of soft, fuzzy material. It felt nice, warm.

After what must have been at least several minutes of crying in my sister’s embrace, I finally gathered myself to pull back a bit and ask — “You don’t hate me?”

Sophie smiled and said “Of course I don’t hate you, none of us do.”

She pulled me into a tighter hug, and then slowly lifted me to my feet and directed me to sit on the sofa. I finally opened my eyes for long enough to see the other two; Alex, just as Sophie, was giving me a soft smile, while Abigail looked relieved, if still a bit worried.

After several minutes of calming down, Alex offered using her car to drive us all back to her place. Apparently, her not being prepared to have guests meant it’d be better if we were not here by the time her parents return from work. When I was relatively confident in my ability to walk again, we left. As much as I would have loved to sit there and calm down some more, I decided I’d definitely feel better in a place I was familiar with.

As I sat in the back of Alex’s car, trying to focus on something else, I turned my attention to the piece of really soft clothing which was now of me thanks to Alex. I didn’t know what it exactly was — it was built like a hoodie with a zipper, but it didn’t have a hood or a zipper, which surely was a really helpful description. It was creamy white, really fuzzy and soft, and still too big for me, but in a way that made it more comfortable instead of less. Did I mention it was soft? Because it was really soft.

When we got home, there was a moment when Alex was still looking for a parking space, and Abigail went to the toilet, in which Sophie approached me. “Are you feeling better now?”

“Y-yeah…”

“Okay, so if you don’t mind me asking — what was that freakout you had at Alex’s place about?” She asked.

“I just… I thought back to when I used to be more… honest, when I was little, and how it… didn’t end well back then, and it’s just… It’s scary, I don’t… I don’t want that to happen again.” I sounded so small and weak, which I suppose wasn’t inaccurate.

Sophie wasted no time and hugged me close.

“It won’t happen again, I promise. I’ll make sure of that,” she said.

After she stepped back from the hug, I asked her, “What… what do you think about… you know?” I gestured at my body.

“I think you’re the only one whose vote really matters on this one,” she answered.

“But… What do you think?”

She put her hand on my head as if to ruffle my hair, and said with a smile, “I think it suits you.”

I felt my face heat up again, but this time it was weirdly not in a bad way.

“Me too,” I whispered.

“You really did just need a small push, huh?” She asked.

Not knowing how to respond, I just awkwardly nodded, which got me a small laugh from her. Apparently, that was a rhetorical question, who knew.

After Abigail and Alex joined us, we decided to migrate to the couches in the living room, Sophie and Alex hugging on the smaller one, while me and Abigail sat awkwardly next to each other on the bigger one. At least, I was sitting awkwardly, she was probably all cool as always. At some point I’d tried to hug my knees next to my chest to find out that I was apparently more flexible now. I always wanted to be more flexible, so that was a huge win in my book. And also, my voice! Every time I said something, it was like a nice surprise. It felt so nice and soft and it actually expressed how I felt for a change!

I’d also decided to confront the fact that I probably owed all three people involved some explanations, so that was what I did — I’d told them exactly what I was thinking and feeling, not just earlier that day, but the entire almost week that it’s been going on for. It was… a lot, and in retrospect, some of the thoughts I’d had were rather unhealthy, as proven by several ‘please get a therapist’s I recieved. And of course, I’d been reassured that everything was going to be okay; Abigail even promised to punch anybody who’d try to bother me at school. I was sure she was mostly joking, but it still made me feel a weird warmth…

“So, I guess it’s time to address the elephant in the room — you aren’t exactly too keen on turning back, are you?” Alex asked me.

I shook my head. Now that I calmed down and settled into it, it was very clear how good it felt to be like this, and how bad I’ve felt before. The thought of going back now, knowing how good it could be, was so terrifying I didn’t even want to think it.

“Yeah, I figured. That’s how it usually ends. The question is, how are you going to break it to your parents?”

I immediately tried to retreat further into the couch. That was also something too terrifying to think about.

“Okay,” Abigail started. “So, we obviously don’t want you to change back, but you’re also not going to get rid of your severe anxiety by tomorrow in order to not have another panic attack coming out to them. We just need to make it so that you don’t have to come out to them.”

“What are you thinking?” Sophie asked.

“Well, I thought about it, and I didn’t really come out to my parents at any point — hell, I even didn’t need to do all the questioning myself. My point is, if it’s about being judged for choosing to be who you are, then we can simply just tell them you didn’t have a choice in the matter, just like me. From their perspective, you’d have just woken up tomorrow morning, looking like you do now,” Abigail explained.

“What is it with you coming up with all those good plans all of the sudden?” Sophie asked.

Abigail just shrugged.

The plan was decided, and we planned the details of it with Sophie just to be sure we’d got everything right — the last thing we needed was our parents finding out we were lying because we contradicted each other or something. And with a simple boop of my nose, that I was ninety eight percent sure was not necessary, Alex’d removed the timer on my transformation; she’d said she wouldn’t make it permanent just in case, better safe than sorry and all that.

After all the pressing matters were attended to, Sophie and Alex left to Sophie’s room to get some ‘privacy’, which, knowing them, probably meant they were going to share the memes that they’d found since the last time they saw each other. In itself it wasn’t an issue, but combined with the fact that I was now left alone with Abigail made it a bit worse. I didn’t know why I was suddenly so awkward around her. I mean, that was a case for a couple of days now, but I thought that the cause of that was resolved.

My awkwardness wasn’t helped by the fact that at some point her arm ended up right behind me.

“You know,” she suddenly started, “when you first told me that you still saw me in me, despite how much I changed, I didn’t understand. Like, I look like a different person, I act completely differently, even how I move and what types of clothes I wear are just not as they were before. I look in the mirror and see myself, but I’m still surprised I can make that connection, because it’s just so different. But now, looking at you, I finally get it. You’re so different, so new, and yet… everything about you is just you, and that’s just so amazing,” she explained.

I nodded. What she said not only resonated with me strongly, but also reminded me just how badly I’d worded it when I said it.

“There’s something I wanted to talk about for a couple of days now, but since you were feeling so anxious I kept putting it off. When I did all my introspecting, I thought about what things I did just to hide myself or because I was ‘supposed to’, and what I actually wanted to do, and… Hell, there’s no different way of saying it — I’ve known you for almost as long as I can remember, and you’re really close to my heart. Like, genuinely, you’re the most important person I’ve ever met, I don’t even know what I’d do without you, and I realized just how shit I was at expressing that for what were basically arbitrary reasons. I genuinely want to punch every single person who ever made me believe that I couldn’t show my affection towards my best friend, because it was ‘unmanly’ or whatever. So, I guess what I’m saying is that I want to do better from now on. I guess what I just said already counts, but let’s make it official — can I hug you?” She asked.

It was so much. I nodded, barely holding my tears back, and collapsed into her hug; but I also did something I would have never expected myself to do — I hugged her back.

At some point, I noticed Abigail started to cry too. I hugged a little tighter, and we cried together, and then we laughed, and then we cried again. I couldn’t even begin to express just how much I felt at that moment, but all the things she said made me realize many things too, and I hoped that I managed to somehow communicate just how much I appreciated her. I honestly expected myself to at some point panic, or try to retract into my anxieties or denial, but the sincerity of the moment had me completely disarmed in the best possible way.

At some point, we retracted ourselves from the hug, and I was left with this strange feeling. After getting to think about it a bit, I decided to act on it, and I leaned lightly on Abigail’s arm.

I looked up and asked, “Is that okay?”

She moved her arm to hold my other shoulder and pulled me a bit closer.

“Of course it’s okay,” she said, with a big smile on her face.

At that point, I realized something important — for once, I wasn’t worried about anything. It was all okay. It was all going to be okay.