“Okay,” Kristen said, as she led me into the food court area. “No, no, no, none of that shrinking and hiding stuff. Shoulders back, head up! You look great.”

“I— I do,” I admitted, blushing a bit.

“Then act like it!” Kristen grinned. “So, hold tight here for a bit, okay? Enjoy a complimentary glass of holiday punch while we wait for the main event.”

I glanced around for the first time. The food court was on the second floor, overlooking the central plaza from the opposite side of that bench I was sitting at before. Tonight, most of the tables and chairs had been moved aside to leave lots of empty room, and small groups of people were milling about in the space, chatting with each other as they sipped their drinks. Though people were dressed up enough that I didn’t feel too out of place, they also appeared to be more festive than usual—just about everyone had some kind of small holiday accessory.

“What’s going on?” I asked. “What is all this?”

Kristen wiggled her fingers. “Christmas magic!”

I blinked. She did not explain further.

“And now I have to take care of a few final things. I’ll be back!” She pushed me lightly towards the food court, and by the time I had regained my balance, she had disappeared again. She had an uncanny ability to do that.

At sort of a loss, I wandered forward, trying not to freak out too much about being alone in this crowd. Were people looking at me more than normal? No one was laughing. But… I shivered. I needed something to drink.

Off to one side of the area, working out of a kiosk that I knew had to be a repurposed Dippin’ Dots, a waiter in a snappy red vest and slacks was pouring punch in little cups. I hesitantly approached.

“Can I just, um…” I gestured at the neat row of cups.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said brightly, stirring the bowl of punch with a ladle. “Drinks are free to any patrons during the tree reveal and lighting ceremony, as long as you’re wearing appropriately festive attire.” He looked up at me, and then blinked, his mouth forming an o. “Wow,” he said.

I grimaced, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I knew it, I liked the way I looked, but everyone else who saw me just saw…

“You look fantastic,” he said. “That’s… wow. Um. Uh. Wow. I have some extra headbands and stuff for people who didn’t dress up, but… well, you’ve certainly got that covered. Can I, um, get you some punch? Or hors d'oeuvres? I mean, I don’t have any of those but someone does somewhere I think and I could… Um.”

I looked down at the row of cups already poured, and took one. “Thank you,” I said.

“No, thank you.” His smile seemed to be frozen in place, and I chuckled nervously.

As I walked away, I heard him muttering to himself, “God. ‘No, thank you?’ Idiot. Augh.”

That was… strange.

But sure. Maybe this was okay, after all. I made my way to the railing to look out across the plaza, up at the curtains currently hiding the object at their center. Far above, skylights showed the sky rapidly darkening. It’d be night soon. And I still hadn’t found Zach again.

A sudden new intrusive thought struck me: even if I did look like a girl now, wouldn’t that make things worse? When we dated, he thought I was a guy, so... Maybe he would have been fine with me being a kind of masculine girl, but if he saw me trying to be femme, wouldn’t that be a bridge too far? He… he had said that he was bi, but we hadn’t ever really talked about in great detail. And even if he liked girls, that didn’t mean he’d like me.

I took a sip of my punch and let out another heavy sigh.

“Hey there cutie, what’s got you so down?” a voice said from my side. When I turned, there was a guy there, about my age and wearing a button-up and a blazer. As he took a sip of his punch, his eyes wandered up and down me in a way that made me feel more than a little uncomfortable.

I don’t know if it was discomfort or awkwardness or what, but my mind fixated on a small detail. “Aren’t you supposed to be wearing some kind of festive accessory?” I asked.

He shrugged. “They gave me a Santa hat but it’s not really my style.” He took a step closer. “I must say, you certainly wear the season well, though.”

“Um. Thanks?” I said, taking a step back.

“Of course.” He flashed me a smile. “You should cheer up though, it’s a party!”

I gave him a flat look. “Yeah. I’m just wondering where my boyfriend is at.”

“Oh.” But then he rallied. “Well, if he’s leaving a lovely lady like you all alone, then he’s not much of a boyfriend, is he?”

I blinked. “Excuse me?”

“Maybe you need someone who’s more interested in you?” The guy smirked, leaning in closer.

I leaned back. “I think I’m fine, thanks.”

He reached out to take my arm, but I jerked away. “C’mon,” he said, sounding a bit annoyed. “What’s your boyfriend got that I don’t?”

Was this guy serious? I made a face. “Respect for other people? A working knowledge of consent? Enough taste to know you don’t need to use the whole bottle of cologne?”

“Hey,” he said, voice harder. “What makes you think you can talk to me that way?”

I tried to take another step back, but the railing was behind me. I was stuck. How was I supposed to get this guy to leave me alone? Sure, he definitely saw me as a woman, but this wasn’t flattering, it was just… unpleasant. And a little bit scary too. I really wished that Zach was here, even if I didn’t know what I wanted him to do. I just… I just knew that he would protect me. But I was on my own. I—

“She’s not interested,” Madison said, from behind the guy. “Beat it, jerk, before I call mall security.”

He turned around, ready to make a scene, but in the face of the full scorn of a high-school girl, he hesitated. “Whatever,” he said, stalking off. “Bitches.”

I stared after him, still a little bit stunned. “Th-thanks,” I finally said to Madison.

She shrugged, walking over to the railing with me to look out across the plaza. “Whatever. He was a creep. You shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

“Mmm.” I sipped more punch.

“Sooo…” Madison said, sneaking a glance at me from the side. “Nice outfit. Is this, like, an all the time thing? Or just dressing up for a dare or something?”

I froze, trying not to spit the punch back out. Honestly, something about what I was wearing was so comfortable, and felt so… so right that when I had gotten distracted by something else, I forgot that I was even presenting that differently. It was baffling. I should be constantly freaking out and instead I just felt like I was floating. Until something like this suddenly brought me crashing back down to earth.

I weighed my options, but decided that the truth was best. Better to rip the bandaid off, she already hated me to begin with. “All the time. Or, well, not exactly this all the time, but I’m a girl, yes. My name is, um… Holly.” I braced myself for her reaction.

But she just nodded, a brief smile flitting across her face. “Cool,” she said. “Does Zach know?”

“Y-yeah.” I let out a sigh. “Though I only told him earlier today. I’m… I’m not sure where we stand.”

Madison glanced over at me, her eyes narrowing as she looked thoughtful. “Can I ask you a question?”

Uh oh. But yeah, I guess I owed her that much. “Sure?” I said, trying to prepare myself for a particularly invasive or harsh question.

“Why do you like my brother?”

I blinked. Of all the things she could ask, I never expected that.

I thought about it for a long moment. And then my eyes drifted over across the mall, as a smile crossed my face. “Did you know that this is where we met?” I asked.

She raised an eyebrow. “In the food court?”

“No,” I said. I pointed over to a small store. “At that board game and hobby shop. It was… I guess a bit over a year ago, now. I had a friend who brought me to a game night to try to get me into some CCG, but then he basically ditched me.”

“Not much of a friend,” Madison said.

I smirked at her, staying silent a moment. She must have recognized the irony, because she glanced away, muttering, “Sorry. I guess I ditched you today too.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “But okay, so there was a draft tournament and everything, and I didn’t even know how to play. I was about to resign myself to sitting by myself in a corner all night, when Zach noticed that I was alone and not having a good time. He came over to teach me how to play. Even though it meant he’d miss the tournament himself.” I chuckled. “I still don’t really understand the rules, but I remember being so happy at having someone else actually pay attention to me and want to spend time with me. Particularly someone so nice, and…” A blush spread across my face. “So cute.”

She smirked. “That does sound like my brother.”

“And when we were getting ready to leave that night, he asked me for my number. I’ve never had, um, someone do that before. We started texting. And then hanging out. It turns out we have a lot of similar interests, and…” I let out a breath, a fond smile growing on my face. “Well, I just like being around him. He makes me feel special, you know?”

“Ugh,” Madison said. “Gross.”

I giggled. “Sorry.” But then my smile started to fade. “I’m just worried whether he still feels the same way, or if he’s realized now that he’s made a mistake. I— I know he didn’t sign up to date me as… You know. This.” I gestured at myself, my outfit. “He liked me before, but what reason would he have to like Holly?”

Madison frowned at me. “I like Holly,” she declared. “More than before, honestly. You’re way less of a gloomy sad-sack.”

“Hey!” I paused, considering. “I guess you’re not necessarily wrong, though.”

“He was acting weird,” Madison admitted, “but I think that’s just because of some past baggage.”

I blinked. “What do you mean?”

“He didn’t tell you about his ex?” she said, sounding surprised.

“…No?” I said.

“They were friends for ages, and then they started dating, but…” She hesitated. “Um, I’m not sure whether it’s my place to talk about this, honestly.”

“Hey girls,” another voice broke in. I turned around to see Vaping Santa—though I guess he wasn’t vaping at this exact moment, just standing there, beard and hat askew. “You seen an elf anywhere?”

“I’m sorry, what?” Madison said.

“About yea high?” He raised his hand to about an inch above his own head. “Green outfit, lots of bells? Way too much energy? Goes by the name of Kristen? We need her to start the ceremony and she’s vanished.”

“No,” Madison said. “Now go away.”

Santa shrugged and walked away before I could say anything else.

“Weird coincidence,” Madison mused. “That was the name of Zach’s ex, actually.”

“Huh?”

“But it’s like I was saying: Zach was crazy about her and they were inseparable, but then… well, things changed and she dumped him. It was cold-blooded. I think in general, Zach is probably more worried about you leaving him behind than anything else about it.”

“What?” I let out a breath. “I would never. Zach is… he’s way, way too good for me.”

Madison grinned. “And that’s why I like you, Holly.” She glanced away. “But if you ever repeat that I will deny it to my dying breath.”

“Sure,” I said, feeling kind of warm and fuzzy inside. I giggled. And then the joy drained away a little. “I just wish I could actually find Zach. I’ve not seen any sign of him ever since we arrived.”

“Isn’t that him down there?” Madison said, pointing.

I followed her finger to see… yes, that was him! Standing right next to a familiar green-bedecked elf. They were talking, Kristen’s arms gesturing wildly as she said whatever she was saying. Did they— did they know each other? Then Zach rested his hand on her shoulder, and she went still, looking at him intensely. And she reached out to touch his arm, in a familiar, almost intimate manner.

“Wait a second,” Madison said, a frown growing on her face. “That… that is his ex. Kristen.”

“What?”

Right then, Kristen looked up and over towards Madison and me on the second level, and our eyes met for a moment. Even from this distance I could see her reaction: her eyes widened, and she immediately looked stricken and guilty. Zach hadn’t noticed, he was still looking at Kristen with concern, his arm still resting on her shoulder. The shoulder of his ex. Who Madison just implied he still had feelings for. Who had involved me in some complicated plan for no apparent reason.

Until now. Now, a reason came to mind.

After all, why would they be hiding things from me otherwise? What could they possibly be doing? At best this had to be a cruel joke at my expense. And that seemed about right—that’s who and what I was. A joke. Not even deserving of pity, just ridicule. It must have been so funny parading me around all day, and— and then Zach was going to run off with her instead and…

Why would he do this? I knew he was going to dump me, but like this?

I was hyperventilating a little bit now.

It didn’t all make sense in my head but it didn’t have to. I was caught in a whirlwind of hurt and confusion and I didn’t know how to handle it. It was more than I could bear.

So I ran.

Madison shouted after me in confusion, but I just took off at a sprint, not paying attention to where I was going, just trying—and failing—not to cry.

SecretTransWritingLair

Rooibos Chai writes trans fiction in the romantic comedy genre. Her most popular work is Trolls and Tribulations, which follows the world's most oblivious and ineffectual misanthrope as they try to help out a trans girl and wind up entangled in gender feelings of their own. You can find her stories on Scribblehub and download ebook versions at rooibos-chai.itch.io