As it turns out, the only thing keeping the third floor blocked off was a notice taped to a caution-wet-floor sign. I wasn’t trying to break any rules. I just wanted to get somewhere away from all of the people staring at me and judging me, and my only option seemed to be to go up. That’s how I found myself sitting on a bench on the dim and deserted top floor, still able to hear the faint noise of the party going on below me. Everyone seemed to be having a lovely time without me. I was just grateful that it wasn’t too dusty here—I didn’t want to have to feel guilty for ruining this dress, too. Now I could just cry in peace, without ruining anyone else’s evening.

I sniffled. I wished I had a kleenex or something though.

“Holly? Is that you?”

I knew that voice. It was the person I least wanted to see. The cause of this whole mess. Some Christmas magic this had been, alright.

“Go away, Kristen,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady and mostly succeeding.

She ignored me, walking over from the stairwell. Figured. Why would she start caring about my feelings now? I wanted to yell at her, or just scream in general, but I didn’t even have the emotional energy any more. So I sniffled again, feeling quietly miserable.

She sat down on the far end of the bench, leaving plenty of space between us. “Do you want, uh…” She pulled a tissue out from a pocket, offering it to me.

I crossed my arms, looking pointedly in the other direction. She sighed and put it away again.

Both of us just sat there without saying a word. The silence hung heavily in the dim and empty atrium, particularly colored as it was by the distant sounds of people enjoying themselves.

Finally, Kristen sighed, leaning back on the bench and kicking her feet out. “You’re going to have to talk to me. I don’t know what’s going on in your head. I want to help you, but—”

“Oh?” I said, too sharply. “Is that what you want? Could have fooled me.”

Her eyebrows shot up. But I frowned and looked away again, not wanting to give her the satisfaction.

Again, we lapsed into silence.

“Holly,” she said, her voice taking on a pleading tone. “Please. Tell me what’s going on. If you want to yell at me, that’s fine, but… say something.”

Fine. She wanted to know what my problem was? I’d tell her.

I took a breath. I… I didn’t even know how to start, but as soon as I began, the words came pouring out. “You’ve been dragging me around all day without stopping to think about my feelings.” She had the decency to look a bit ashamed at that. “You make up some wild story about… about the North Pole and Christmas magic and I know it’s not true, I’m not eight, so what are you doing? You’re trying to trick me. What else are you not telling me? Maybe something important, like the fact that you used to date my boyfriend?” She looked a bit pained and I knew I was on the right track. My stomach twisted. “So here’s my guess: You realized what a mistake you made in breaking up with Zach, and saw your opportunity now. You’d… you’d dress me up ridiculously and parade me around to be a laughingstock, knowing all the while that then Zach would realize that he could be with a normal girl, especially one he probably still has feelings for. The two of you could get together and leave me behind, broken and useless. How about that?”

She gaped at me, blinking slowly. “Wait— What? Really?”

“What else am I supposed to think?” I asked, staring down at the tiled floor.

And then… she laughed, a sharp bark that sounded more like surprise than real amusement.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s just…” She coughed, and her tone grew more solemn. “No, I’m really sorry, Holly. I shouldn’t have come up with this whole scheme. I thought it’d be cute to play pretend with all the Christmas magic and stuff, but it’s only made you feel confused and bad, and that’s my fault. I’m so sorry.”

I felt like I was going to throw up. “So I’m right then? I knew it.”

“No,” she said firmly. “Everything else you said was wrong. Like staggeringly wrong.” She let out a sigh, and then muttered, “…and they call us lesbians ‘useless.’”

I froze. “Huh?”

“Well, that’s the first part. I’m absolutely not interested in getting back with Zach. We tried that, and it doesn’t work. Besides, I’m dating Sarah, and we’re very happy, and not looking for any further partners at the moment.”

“Th-the girl from the clothes store?”

“Yup,” she said. “She’s a cutie, right?”

I blinked owlishly at her.

She rolled her eyes. “Anyways, the point is that I absolutely did not try to dress you up to look ridiculous or anything. If I did, I clearly failed, because you look hot as hell right now.”

I stared down at the dress, smoothing it out. “I… I guess.”

“Trust me,” she said, staring at me with a bit of unnerving intensity. “You may be straight or whatever, but I’m not, and it’s a good look, girl.”

“Um.”

She smirked. “I know, I know, you’re taken. And so am I. I’m just saying.”

I shook my head. “But then what were you doing? I… I just don’t understand.”

“Okay.” She took out a deep breath. “So, Zach came to me today for help, because you came out to him, and he didn’t know how to deal with that.”

“Of course,” I said. “He’s trying to figure out how to break up with me without hurting his feelings.”

Kristen made a frustrated sound. “Seriously? And what, date a ‘normal girl?’” She even made quotation marks with her fingers, as if the sarcasm wasn’t obvious enough in her tone.

“Probably, yes.”

Kristen sighed. “Yeah, about that. He came to me because he’s head over heels for you and is convinced that you’re going to break up with him. God, you two are a pair. But to be fair to him, that’s kind of exactly what I did to him. Except we started dating a little bit after I started transitioning, not before. He was just so helpful and supportive throughout the whole process, and I was trying to work out a lot of stuff, you know…”

“Wait,” I said. “What?”

Kristen looked at me. “You know, cause gender and sexuality are complicated, and interconnected, and I had to kind of unpack a lot of assumptions and internalized garbage that made me question who I was and who I was attracted to. And it turns out I’m plenty happy to just be a lesbian, but—”

“No, no, I mean… You’re… like me?”

Kristen raised an eyebrow. “Yeah. I’m trans. Did you… did you not know that?”

“How was I supposed to know?” I said, my voice a bit strained.

“Oh. I guess.” She smiled, looking for the first time like she was caught off guard as a faint blush dusted her cheeks. “That’s flattering though. Thanks. But does it really matter?”

I thought about that. Did it? “…No? But also, yes.”

“Sorry,” Kristen said. “I guess that’s why I just kind of pushed you headlong into a lot of stuff, because for a long time I really wished that someone else would do the same for me. But our experiences aren’t the same, and I shouldn’t have assumed as much.” She chuckled dryly. “I mean, that’s not even what Zach wanted me to do, I just got the idea stuck in my head and charged off to plan a screwball caper.”

“Oh. Then… wait, what did Zach want?”

“He just wanted to know how to make you happy,” Kristen said, and my heart did a little flip in my chest. “How to treat you so that you felt safe and loved.” She rolled her eyes, but smiled. “What a sappy dork.”

I was suddenly close to crying again. I hadn’t expected the emotions to come from that direction this time. He… he felt that way about me? Still?

Kristen shrugged. “So I told him ‘woo her, admire her, make her feel like the most sublime creature on earth.’ You know how it goes. But he wanted something more concrete to—” She paused. “Actually, I think you should go talk to him yourself about this.”

“Really?” I said. Something unfamiliar fluttered inside me, and I knew it had to be… hope? Maybe… maybe this would be okay, after all?

“Yeah,” Kristen said. “If you two actually just set aside all your fears and talk to each other, I think this is going to work out totally fine.”

We were suddenly interrupted as all the sound below us changed. People were saying something in unison—counting? And then a brief hush, and then loud cheers. As I looked up, I could see the very top of the curtains at the plaza center dropping away, revealing a truly gargantuan Christmas tree. Even though only its peak was visible, I could see the elaborate decorations and the criss-crossing colorful lights flicker to life as they came on.

“But now I’ve missed the big Christmas tree reveal,” I said, sighing. “Maybe you’re right, maybe this was our opportunity, but I’ve really screwed everything up. Oh gosh, and made you miss it too! Is that okay? Didn’t they need you to help with it?”

Kristen shrugged. “They could handle it on their own. Don’t worry about it.”

“I just… I just feel bad. If I hadn’t run off… if I had just kept it together… We could be down there together. Instead, now I’ve missed it.”

“Holly,” she said, resting a hand on my arm. “If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that it’s important to do things at your own pace and in your own way. You’ll still get your big moments, I promise.”

“But…” I twisted the fabric of my dress lightly in my hands. “Not tonight, I guess. I must look like a mess. I can’t go down there like this.”

Kristen scooched a bit closer on the bench, and produced the tissue and a few makeup brushes from somewhere in her elf uniform. “Don’t worry, give me a few minutes and I’ll have you looking perfect again.” She grinned. “C’mon, I know better than to expect to give a trans girl a makeover without getting some tears somewhere along the line tonight.”

* * *

I stood at the top of the stairs. Below me I could hear holiday music and happy voices, and I imagined it had to be a whole party going on at this point.

And of course, Zach was there, somewhere. Waiting. Looking for me.

“I-I can’t do this,” I said, frozen in place.

“Holly…” Kristen let out a frustrated sigh. But then she stopped, taking a breath and releasing it slowly. “Okay,” she said. “We’re doing things at your speed and not mine. But I want you to tell me: is this you genuinely not able to handle the pressure and wanting to stay up here? Or is this just your anxieties coming to the front, and deep down you know you really want to see Zach, but you need a little push?”

I swallowed. “The latter,” I admitted.

“Good,” Kristen said. She slipped her hand into mine, and went down a single step on the stairs. She smiled, and tugged my hand very very gently. “Here’s your push. I’m with you, okay? This is going to be great.”

My smile only wavered slightly. “Okay,” I said, steeling myself.

And I took one step, and then another.

At the bottom of the stairs, the food court was even busier than before. There was a DJ playing a selection of Christmas songs, and in the big space in the middle, couples were dancing. I could barely pay any attention to that, though. A thought crossed my mind that people might notice my arrival from the restricted third floor and stare at me or something, but it just floated past without really catching. I didn’t care about what these people thought at the moment. There was only one person who I cared about now, and my eyes scanned the crowd looking for him.

How would Zach even react when he saw me? Would he be shocked? Dismayed? Would he even recognize me at all? None of those felt particularly good to think about, but I had to be realistic—I know I was dressed far differently than normal, and… and even if he reacted badly at first, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t change his mind with time. I had to stay positive.

“Boyfriend, one o’clock,” Kristen whispered.

I sucked in a sharp breath. And then looked ahead and to my right. There he was, standing awkwardly by himself. He wore a pair of reindeer ears on a headband and I couldn’t help but find it tremendously endearing—of course, no matter the unexpected situation, he’d accept it with a smile and a goofy kind of energy that I loved. But right now, he looked a little bit lost and dejected, his shoulders slumped and hands jammed into his pockets.

I made my way down the stairs, drawn to him like there was a magnet pulling me in that direction. I only barely registered the other people around me, pushing past them while I muttered hasty apologies. And then I was past the worst of the crowds, and he was in front of me, less than ten feet away.

He looked up, and our eyes met. He blinked.

And then the biggest smile spread across his face. At first, he just looked relieved, like I was a cold drink of water after a week of wandering in the desert. And then his eyes drifted down to see me in my entirety, what I was wearing, how I looked… and now the emotion written across his face could only be described as pure wonder. He opened his mouth, and then closed it again, trying to keep a straight face, but his lips kept curling upwards. He couldn’t take his eyes off me. He started shaking his head slightly, as if unable to do the math, and then stopped, distracted by noticing some other little thing about me and my appearance.

I walked over, moving slowly, and as I did, his face grew more and more red. But then, I was also completely unable to stop from blushing at all the attention he was paying me.

“H-hey Zach,” I said.

“Holly! H-hi,” he stammered in turn.

“Um…”

“You look beautiful,” he blurted out. “I mean you always did, a-and that doesn’t define you or anything, but…” He trailed off, still staring. Then he shook his head again, collecting himself and regaining some more of the calm that I was used to from him. “I’m sorry, you just look so beautiful and I don’t know what to do about it.”

I giggled a bit, feeling a little delirious. “Um. Yeah, Kristen helped me out with the dress. And the hair and the makeup. She’s very thorough, huh?”

“Yeah,” he said, sounding thoughtful. “Except…”

I hesitated. “Except?”

Zach shifted in place. “Okay, this was supposed to be a Christmas present. I looked basically everywhere today for something good enough for you.” He looked me over again. “Though I feel like now I’m realizing that that was an impossible task. But I did get something, and… I can’t help but feel like maybe now is the right time?”

“If— if you want to,” I said.

He reached into his pocket, pulling out something small. Then he took my hands, making me shiver at his touch. He slipped the thing—a box?—into my hands as he held them. As he looked into my eyes, I knew this was the Zach I loved: genuine, warm, vulnerable but strong. He smiled bashfully at me. “I hope you like it.”

I looked at the little velvet box. “Jewelry?” I said. “But… I couldn’t possibly…”

“Just look,” he insisted.

I carefully cracked the box open to see a necklace resting inside. It wasn’t fancy or ornate or anything, but classy in a restrained kind of way. On a thin silver chain, there was a pendant shaped like two spiky green leaves crowned with a few bright red berries. “It’s…”

“Holly,” Zach said. “I mean, maybe that’s a little too on the nose. I just wanted a way to celebrate you, to show you that I’m so happy that you’re able to be yourself. I— Um. I hope that’s okay.”

Tears pricked at my eyes again. “It’s perfect,” I whispered, and then I couldn’t help myself, I flew forward to hug him as tightly as I could.

He stiffened only for an instant in surprise, and then he let out a relieved breath and hugged me back. This— this was what I was afraid I was going to lose. The way he wrapped me in his arms, making me feel small, and protected, and loved. I practically melted into his hug—I knew my heart certainly was.

“I was so scared,” I whispered, not letting go. “I thought you’d want to break up with me.”

Zach squeezed me tighter. “Never. I love you, Holly. I wasn’t expecting this, but I feel so lucky that now I get to know the true you. Every moment I get to spend with you is a revelation.”

Now I was crying a little bit again, even if I tried to keep it under control so as to not wreck Kristen’s efforts.

I finally had to let go in order to take a moment to try and put the necklace on. Zach helped me fasten the chain as I held my hair out of the way.

“How does it look?” I said, unable to keep a smile off my face.

“Perfect,” he said. “Beautiful.” But he wasn’t even looking at the necklace. He just kept staring into my eyes, and I had to blush and look away.

“But— but I didn’t get you anything,” I protested. “How can I accept this?”

Zach’s fingers brushed under my chin and he tilted my head up to look at him again. Then his hand drifted up and to the side, touching the ribbon tied into a bow in my hair. “What do you mean?” he said innocently. “There’s such a pretty gift right in front of me, all wrapped up with a bow and everything.”

“O-oh,” I said. “Jeez. When did you get so smooth? That’s not fair.”

Zach just grinned. “Hey,” he said, taking my hand and intertwining his fingers with my own. “Would you… would you like to dance?”

I looked over to the open space of the food court, where couples were swaying back and forth to the time of the music. “I’m not sure if I know how,” I admitted. “I’ve never been much of one for parties.”

“Me either,” he said, looking sheepish. “I figured it was just a good excuse to get to hold you close. And I guess also to make everyone at this party jealous that I get to be with the most beautiful woman any of them has ever seen.”

“Oh my God,” I said, blushing furiously. “You can’t just say that.”

“What? It’s true.”

He bowed deeply, still holding my hand to touch his lips to it. When he looked up at me, his eyes were twinkling. “My lady?”

“That’s so cheesy,” I said. “I love it.” I took a breath. “I love you.”

He grinned, pulling me forward onto the dance floor, and I followed his lead. Raising my hand in his own, he spun me in place, my dress flaring out as I went. A wave of giddiness bubbled up inside of me. Then, as if it was the simplest thing in the world, he pulled me close again, his chest close against mine, his arm resting securely against my back. He must have been holding out on me—he did know how to dance, didn’t he?

I let out a perfectly content sigh. Kristen had been right: maybe I missed the tree lighting or whatever. But everything about this moment was mine and it was perfect. If I could live in this moment forever, that would make for a pretty nice eternity.

And then the music abruptly changed, shifting to a faster, more upbeat tune. Wait a second…

“This one goes out to a very special lady!” Kristen said, her voice a bit distorted from the mic she was using. I looked over to where she was standing on top of the DJ’s table. She pointed right at the two of us, and the other people on the dance floor looked confused, but started clapping.

“Oh no…” I said, my face going red.

“~ Have a holly jolly Christmas! ~” the verse began.

Zach started laughing. Traitor. But I started giggling too.

And then Kristen started singing herself as the song reached a certain point. “~ Oh ho, the mistletoe, hung where you can see! ~” When I glanced back at her, my eyes went wide. She was pointing above us. I slowly tilted my head to look upwards and… at the center of the dance floor, right where we were, there was a sprig of mistletoe hanging from the ceiling.

“Oh,” Zach said.

“Yeah,” I said, myself.

Our eyes met. I gently bit my bottom lip. “Well,” I said. “It’s not like we have much choice, right?”

Zach just smiled, sending butterflies fluttering in my stomach. And then, he dipped me backwards, leaning in to catch my lips with his own.

It wasn’t like we hadn’t kissed before. We had been dating for a while now. We had kissed a fair few times, even though it wasn’t really my favorite thing. After the initial excitement of it being Zach who I was kissing had worn off, the action itself always felt a little bit awkward to me.

But this time? Suddenly it made sense. Suddenly I got it. It was right. I wasn’t a gay guy kissing another guy. I was a girl kissing her boyfriend. On the middle of the dance floor, at a Christmas party, while everyone around us cheered, apparently.

Yes, I could get used to this.

The kiss lasted an infinity and also ended too soon for my liking, but when I had to come up for air, I found myself still safe and secure in Zach’s arms. Stars had to be twinkling in my eyes as I looked up at him.

“This is the best Christmas ever,” I breathed out. “I never want it to end.”

Zach just grinned. “It’s December 2nd. We’ve got a lot of the holiday season left, Holly.”

I couldn’t wait to find out just what surprises were still in store.

Because as it turns out… apparently Christmas magic does exist, after all.

SecretTransWritingLair

Rooibos Chai writes trans fiction in the romantic comedy genre. Her most popular work is Trolls and Tribulations, which follows the world's most oblivious and ineffectual misanthrope as they try to help out a trans girl and wind up entangled in gender feelings of their own. You can find her stories on Scribblehub and download ebook versions at rooibos-chai.itch.io