When I was young, I was deeply afraid of my impulses.
I masturbated to my best friend once and couldn't forgive myself for a long time.
Shame. Confusion. Humiliation. Guilt.
'I shouldn't have done that.'
I was deeply mortified at my actions, as if I had committed some kind of horrible crime against humanity.
Inside my mind, homosexuality was a kind of original sin, and there was something distorted about me for having a malfunctioning brain. Some part of me wasn't working normally, and I could only see it as this shameful part of myself. The intense fear lingered over me through the entirety of my childhood and well into adulthood.
I couldn't let anyone know.
I was afraid to touch people because then they might think I was gay.
I balked from casual hugs, rough play, or even handshakes.
Sometimes I felt like there was some kind of disease on my skin, as if a single touch would reveal the ugly truth that I was a secret traitor to my friends. I don't even understand why our society has such an obsession over homosexuality. Men go through monumental efforts to prove their straightness, to the point that everything must be qualified with "no homo". Tribunals converge on the Internet like regular clockwork to debate whether "is it gay?"
Is it wrong to play on virtual reality as a girl?
I try really really hard not to mislead people.
I attempt to tell people that I'm a guy, even if they see me as a woman. Some people are convinced that my personality is feminine, or that I must be inherently transgender. I don't have a strong opinion about my gender identity, so I don't mind being treated either way. However, my heart has always been exclusively attracted to men.
I wish it wasn't so difficult to be born this way.
I am always afraid.
⚘ ⚘ ⚘
I cried for a little bit but then eventually calmed down.
@Jasper had stopped moving at some point, but I remained pinned underneath him due to his body weight.
A few sparse droplets of moisture dripped onto the bare skin of my back. After some initial confusion, I eventually realized that they were tears, and they dribbled down the curvature of my shoulder blades like a faint glistening stream of water. They were like random sprinkles of rain droplets on a cloudless summer day, and my first instinct was to wonder where they were coming from.
Then I realized that my master was also crying.
It wasn't nearly as obvious, mainly because he was completely silent.
"Master?"
There was no response.
"Master are you okay?" I whispered, my shaky voice trembling.
@Jasper wasn't moving. He hadn't even pulled out from inside of me, and his broad tattooed arms were like giant stone pillars that formed a prison over my delicate androgynous frame. I couldn't even see him that well due to the way I was positioned with my face buried in a pile of laundry, and my owner was directly on top of me.
I could feel the hot cum leaking down between my legs.
I had no idea if he was still drunk.
"Fuck." He whispered.
His voice sounded different.
"Fuck me. Fuck everything. This is a nightmare." @Jaspered exhaled slowly in mortification.
He seemed to be in total shock about the absurdity of this situation. Clearly, he hadn't meant to do this, and moreover I knew that my master was straight. His feelings for me were completely platonic, and @Jasper saw me as nothing more than a pet. He probably perceived this impulsive sexual act as a mixture between bestiality, homosexuality, and pedophilia. Somehow, he had stumbled into this awful scenario while intoxicated with fury.
It was almost like he had woken up from a horrible dream.
I weakly tried to struggle out from underneath him.
"I'm a fucking asshole. This is why my wife left me. I deserve it. I'm complete trash and a worthless villain. I want to die."
I stopped moving for a moment.
His sudden reversal to vehement self-hatred evoked wrenching feelings of sadness in my heart.
I remembered how @Jasper was standing dangerously close to the edge of a cliff, and his suicidal impulses flipped some kind of switch inside of me. Regardless of everything that happened, I didn't want my master to disappear. I desperately didn't want him to leave.
"You're not a villain to me," I said softly.
"How am I not evil? I've sold countless people into slavery. I'm a murderer, alcoholic, and a scam. I can't support my family or pay for rent. My daughter thinks I'm a wicked criminal who belongs in jail. Even when someone is kind to me, I turn around and throw it back into their face. I raped my own cat and even fucking came from it."
"It's okay, @Jasper."
"It's not okay!" He sounded bleak and agitated.
"It's okay to be angry."
"Not if my anger destroys everything." @Jasper said bitterly. "I have nothing left."
"I'm still here with you. We all need outlets for our emotions."
"How are you not upset? How do you not hate me? I just raped you." My master's words were filled with disbelief.
I felt tears welling spontaneously in my eyes again.
It wasn't that I wasn't upset. I had a lot of feelings from @Jasper's drunken sexual assault and that messy creampie inside my body. In fact, a flurry of complicated emotions were still swirling within me, and they were a mixture of confusion and ambivalent turmoil. In some ways, I wanted it, but in other ways I didn't. Moreover, his sharp words had stung, and they struck at a place that was difficult to dislodge from my heart.
However, regardless of all those things, I didn't want to lose @Jasper.
"I like you." I said softly. "Besides, I'm a masochist. You can rape me if you want."
My master grimaced.
"There's something wrong with you, @Fiie."
I pulled my legs into my torso and curled up.
The sadness in my chest was making my stomach hurt.
"I think anyone who stays on this server for any extended period of time is broken in some way," I said quietly.
"Are you sure that we're not all just breaking each other? All everyone does in this place is hurt one another. The entire point of this game is to make someone else hurt, whether it be through swords, fists, magic, or guns."
"Maybe. But I think I can understand it. Hurting and being hurt are two sides of the same coin."
@Jasper slowly grew silent.
He stared at me curled up naked on the ground, surrounded by glass shards, broken bottles of liquor, and old laundry. It was a scene of devastation, and my skin was bruised in some places where it chafed against fragments of glass. My master's semen continued to drip between my legs, and my eyes were a bit puffy from crying.
Based on appearance alone, it certainly looked like I had been horribly roughed up and raped.
The expression in @Jasper's amber pupils was pained.
Somehow, despite everything that had happened, we finally reached some kind of tenuous resolution.
I was @Jasper's legal property, and small incident like this wasn't going to change my longstanding opinion of him.
Suddenly, the MagiCom receiver on the bedside table started blinking with a red light.
It was an emergency signal that indicated a distress beacon was nearby.
In fact, there were multiple distress beacons.
The two of us stared at it.
⚘ ⚘ ⚘
Anyway great chapter
@uenala
@Falcondraig
That other story of yours's sounds very familiar.
Where is the sushi hug blob? What kind of discrimination is this? Fiie needs hugs from adorable pieces of sushi. The sushi blobs will not stand for this kind of injustice.
Sushi hug blobs!
@uenala I'm not quite sure what you mean by exposed (where?). Are you going to make sure that you follow Fiie's story through to the end, or is this story going to end up being abandoned at a cliffhanger?
It's time for the sushi blobs to rise up and show that they can be just as expressive as the less cute standard blobs.
@UnknownReader On the BL discord! I was writing this story on a secret alt because I was embarrassed (that it's "not BL enough" maybe?) I'm a little bit self-conscious because I feel like I'm not really writing real BL, or at least I'm adjusting my writing style to appeal to an audience of readers that doesn't seem to like BL as much.
I know that I'm notoriously unreliable!
I'm hoping that I can get through this story! Fortunately, I think I have a better idea of exactly where I want to go with this novel (in the sense I have an idea about how I want the story to end), and Fiie is a nice character to work with in the sense that he isn't entirely powerless and has his own independent agency.
In contrast, in the Ex-BF story, I had no idea where to take the plot, and the entire story revolved around Kien and Xuelan's relationship. When I stopped feeling as a lewd, it felt basically impossible to write the story anymore.
Writing smut is too hard! I hope that this story will be easier to write because there is a lot less of it.
@uenala You can make Fiie's next master a female character that is willing to allow, and even at times encourages, Fiie to have intimate relationships with other characters. This way you won't be stuck focusing on a single relationship (Fiie's master being female would be important since Fiie would likely not even consider developing relationships with anyone other than his master if his master was male). You can also have some wholesome cuddling with Fiie being his master's emotional support catboy (with some occasional sexual teasing, of course). If you're worried that the story does not have enough BL or that it's not purely BL, then you could just add a disclaimer to the synopsis. Rather than focusing on trying to create BL relationships in the story, you should just let the characters develop relationships naturally, regardless of whether it's BL or not. The relationships will feel less forced and the story will flow smother. There is still plenty of room for the smut in the story (you can add the tag back with a disclaimer) so you shouldn't be worried about the current lack of wholesome lewdness (a slave ship is not the best place for characters to open up to each other anyway).
Sushi blobs are not just cute, they're also wholesome and nutritious too.
@UnknownReader Mhm! I'm open to a lot of different things with the next owner, who will probably either be female or transmale (haven't decided which). Most likely, it won't be a totally happy relationship, since Fiie will have plenty of lingering feelings and other things. There will be a lot more female characters in the next arc, so there will most likely be a lot more interactions in that regard.
I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm "forcing" the BL per say. Fiie's homosexuality / preference for guys is a major theme of the story, and it's furthermore something that I personally want to examine and write about!
It sort of runs a bit against the grain of the story that I want to tell if he ultimately ends up with a girl (kind of the way that Hourou Musuko had a really disappointing ending with a trans-questioning character deciding they were cis and not going to transition...... 
), so I want to write a story that is LGBT-affirming in that sense even if less popular!
I think my self-consciousness regarding BL stemmed from the fact that I wasn't writing "conventional" BL (i.e. with idealized male leads and so forth), and I was constantly dipping to genderbender aspects to make the m/m more appealing to an audience that isn't as interested in BL. However, I think I just have to be confident in the type of story that I want to write -- this kind of intersectional GB/BL thing with blurred features between the genres.
As of right now, I think my feeling is that I want to keep this story less focused on the smut/lewdness/ships. There's sort of a big narrative about internet toxicity that I mainly want to cover, and Fiie will probably bounce through a series imperfect relationships that all simultaneously have its wholesome elements yet problematic issues in different ways.
@uenala Most players would need some way to cope with the harsh reality of Vetita, and one such way would be to seek companionship, even if only temporary, which can often lead intimacy (sexual gratification is another coping mechanism). Non-hostile environments with sufficient player diversity would be reasonably conducive for lots of "casual" lewdness, and capturing the more wholesome and interesting moments in the story would result in wholesome smut.
It should also be considered that there is likely a large variety of both magical and nonmagical s*x toys as well s*x related potions and magic on the server (the potions and magic would have effects such as increased sensitivity, "stamina" restoration, and temporary body modification).
For Fiie to be able to go through the character development he needs, it would probably be best for him to neither be unhappy nor be inclined to develop particularly romantic feelings for his long term (for most of, or at least a large part of, the story) owner. Fiie could conceivably develop romantic feelings for a transmale master. Fiie would be unlikely to develop romantic feelings for a female character played by an irl cis female player. That's not to say that Fiie couldn't have a female master (in terms of master/familiar abilities) and also be "legally" co-owned by a transmale character at the same time (in terms of slave "ownership").
@UnknownReader Mhm! Companionship and intimacy would definitely be nice... I wonder how most players would go about finding it? I can only imagine that it's hard to date online if it's already hard irl... x.x
I want to experiment with some polyamory among other things along that vein! So yeah!