14 A Difficult World to Live in
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Time passed by fast on the soul path so soon enough, the sunlight slanted through the window, the shadows turned longer, and finally, night fell.

Ying Zhen got up and walked toward the front of the house. He didn’t know when exactly the attack had happened, although he figured that the beginning of the night would be the most likely time. After all, by then, everyone would have been celebrating for the whole day.

Nobody would be as alert as they usually were, save for maybe the guards at the estate. But those alone could not do much and if the gods had planned this since a long time ago, surely they would have eliminated the guards first and without drawing attention. So yes, this time was indeed the best which made it the time he needed to pay the most attention.

Laryana quietly followed behind. Even though Ying Zhen hadn’t explained much, she could gather to a certain degree what was going on. She stayed quiet so he could focus on what he might hear even though she figured that he wouldn’t have back on the day when this really happened. Still, it should tell him what he wanted to know.

The two of them reached the front hall and Ying Zhen stopped, quietly staring at the door opposite. So far, he hadn’t heard anything out of the ordinary. There were only the regular sounds of the town: Some people walking past, the vendors from the main street packing up and leaving, some birds chirping on the rooftops, and the wind brushing past the houses.

He furrowed his brows and walked up to the door, silently cracking it open and peering at the street outside. Not much could be seen with the light rapidly fading but he was more interested in the sounds anyway. With the door open, they were clearer now, and yet, there seemed to be nothing strange as if the attack of the gods had not been on this day after all.

For a moment, Ying Zhen wondered if maybe the illusion from his soul path had moved past the attack without him noticing but then, he dropped that thought. Anyway, this soul path was meant for him to overcome his regrets. Why would it leave one out? So, the only explanation was that the attack had either happened later or so silently that he really couldn’t hear it from here.

He pondered for a moment whether he should go over there to check but finally, he decided against it. If it had been back then, he never would have left his house. In fact, he also wouldn’t have sneaked to the door like a thief in his own house.

With that thought, Ying Zhen closed the door and went to sit down, his gaze trained on that door as if he could make the gods materialize in front of him this way.

Time slowly passed by and soon, it was the middle of the night. Ying Zhen’s brows furrowed anew and he got up, leaving the house.

Laryana hurried after him, taking a last glance at the place they had just left. She hadn’t seen much of this house where Ying Zhen had grown up but the little she had seen had told her that it was very different from Heidan’s palace in the Underworld. Chun Hua’s house had been similar. The place where the demons lived had to be quite different from the Underworld in general. Maybe the whole world was since so much time had passed.

The two of them walked down the street without a word, soon arriving at the steps of Chun Hua’s house once again. Ying Zhen stopped in his tracks for a moment but he already knew what awaited him. There was blood on the steps just like the first time he arrived at this illusion and just like the time when he came here in his actual life.

He closed his eyes and sighed but still walked up the steps and into the house, making a round through all the rooms and the courtyard to see if anyone was still alive. Unsurprisingly, there was not a single soul left.

Ying Zhen sighed and turned around, wanting to go back to where Laryana was waiting. To his surprise, she stood right behind him though, clearly having followed him all the time. He raised his brows and checked her complexion but it didn’t seem as awful as before now that she saw the scenes again.

He faintly cleared his throat and motioned to the nearest exit. “How are you doing? You could have waited outside, you know.”

Laryana looked up at his face, her gaze softening. At first glance, Ying Zhen seemed like a person that didn’t care about others but clearly, this was not the case. He was here to save his people and all his regrets were about not being able to save lives. Now, even cared about how she would deal with having to see these scenes. Yes, the truth of the matter was that he was a person who cared a lot. He simply hid his feelings behind this abrasive first impression.

She lowered her gaze and shook her head. “It’s alright. I promised I would accompany you. Also, I have seen this once before when we came here. It might not be any less cruel to look upon but at least this time I was prepared for what I would see.”

Ying Zhen nodded. “It’s good if it’s not too much.”

The two of them reached the exit soon and Ying Zhen stopped on the street, looking up at the night sky that seemed like it was shrouded in endless darkness despite the stars dotting it.

“You know, I figured that this would be the outcome.”

Laryana also looked up at the sky when she saw him do so. Seeing the stars there, she was lost in thought for a moment. The regular Underworld didn’t have this kind of sky. She only remembered how Heidan had once created the illusion of one for her to show her more of the world outside. He had done so with many things, giving her a glimpse of a life she could never know otherwise. Now, all that was long in the past and the world had long since changed.

She sighed and retracted her gaze, turning back to Ying Zhen. “It is not always easy to let go of something even if we know the truth.” Just like she had refused to believe that Heidan was dead even though she had heard of his demise. For Ying Zhen, it was the same with these matters he encountered on his soul path.

Ying Zhen nodded. “I know. Not just that. But … these illusions, I know they don’t change anything. No matter how many things I try, even if I find a way in which I could have prevented the outcome, it wouldn’t matter. After all, I can’t go back to make a different decision.

“Looking back on this day …” He turned to glance at the estate behind them and shook his head. “There was no other outcome possible because I never would have come here and I never would have stayed home. I made the decision to leave the town that day because of my hurt pride. After all … no matter how much I loved Chun Hua, I took myself as too important.”

Laryana looked at him questioningly, finally reaching out and tugging at his sleeve when he didn’t continue to speak. “I don’t get it. She married another man. You didn’t have to go if it was too painful. Nobody should have expected you to do so.”

Ying Zhen turned to her, his gaze brushing over those white fingers on the dark fabric of his robe. Laryana was a little too kind for his comfort but then, that simply seemed to be who she was. Hadn’t she proven that with how she reacted to Chun Hua before?

He tried not to think about it any further and instead explained himself. “I loved her but, at the end of the day, she didn’t love me. She loved another man instead and wanted to marry him. As her friend, I should have been there. More than anything else, I should have wanted to see her happy if I truly liked her. But instead, I begrudged her this choice because it felt like a slight to my person. But certainly … certainly, she didn’t think of me when she made it.”

Once again, Ying Zhen turned to the estate and sighed deeply this time. How self-centered he had been. Sometimes, it was hard to think back to that time. “I can’t help but think that she died that day, not having seen me at her wedding.

“Did she think of me for even a moment? If she did, it should have been with regret maybe or disappointment even. She probably felt lost, not knowing how to navigate this friendship with me any longer. I … didn’t make it easy for her.” He lowered his gaze and then shook his head, turning back to Laryana. “I assume you don’t know that kind of feeling. It must be difficult to imagine how I could be like that.”

Laryana wasn’t sure how to answer so she kept quiet. Indeed, she had never felt like he had. In all of her life, there had never been something she wanted so much that she would have felt hurt not to get it. Especially not about another person. And how could she have? After all, other than Nilam and her, there had only ever been Heidan in the Underworld and maybe Lady Xingula when she came by. Where would she find a person like this?

Ying Zhen hadn’t expected her to say anything contrary so he simply gave a hum and then left the spot in front of the estate, walking down the street again while the illusion around them slowly dispersed.

Laryana hurriedly followed him, trying to think of something to say. She couldn’t help but feel that her silence just now must have been hurtful. Looking back at the faint traces of the city, she finally spoke up. “It must be difficult, living in that kind of world.”

Ying Zhen turned to the side and looked at her, needing a moment to understand. But then, looking at the Underworld, he got it. “It is not always easy for sure but I am not sure if I could live in a place like this where there is nobody else around. It must be lonely.”

Laryana smiled in response. “My master said the same.”

Ying Zhen faintly raised his brows. To think that he would one day have a word of his compared to the High God Heidan … well, but then again, she had even mistaken him for Heidan so maybe he shouldn’t think it too strange. He couldn’t help but be curious though. “What type of person was he?”

Laryana thought back to those days and smiled brightly but with a touch of melancholy hidden in her gaze. “He was very patient and he looked out for those around him. I have never experienced a time when he was not willing to sit and talk to me about the world outside and the passage of time. He always … wanted more for me. Which is strange considering that he himself did not have that either. To be honest, I think he was very lonely. It only got better after he met Lady Xingula.”

Ying Zhen didn’t respond immediately and instead watched her expression which seemed even sadder now. “You … were very close to him?”

Laryana looked up, seeming a bit lost. “I guess it is not wrong to say so. It sure must sound that way. When I speak of him, I am biased. He was the one who created me and taught me everything I know. Of course, my thoughts on him will only be the best and what I can say will be all the things he has done for me.”

Ying Zhen’s gaze turned careful. Actually, now that she said this, there was one thing he had been wondering about. “Say … your feelings for Heidan …”

Laryana looked at him in confusion. “They were very good?”

Ying Zhen nodded slowly, even though this didn’t answer his question in the least. He couldn’t bring himself to ask her directly though. Somehow, he felt like it would taint her ears. He thought for a moment and finally came up with a roundabout way. “When he met Lady Xingula, were you not … jealous?”

Laryana only blinked her eyes in confusion though. “What would I be jealous for? My master was always alone. From the moment he was cast into the Underworld, he had to live alone. Later, he created Nilam and me and we lived in the Underworld together for a long time.

“But I guess it didn’t matter all that much. The loneliness my master felt came not from living without people at his side but from the connections he was missing. He once told me that although he had a mother and father and a brother, he never felt like he had a family. Then, he met Lady Xingula and I believe this feeling changed. While he did not say it like this, I could see it in his eyes.

“At that time, how could I be jealous? I was happy for him. Finally, after being lonely for so long, he had what he truly desired.”

“But were you not … sad?” After all, she clearly spoke of Heidan with such high regard. Surely, her feelings had to be more than … this. If Heidan found love with somebody else, then shouldn’t it break her heart?

But Laryana did not seem to think this way. She tilted her head and a hint of sadness indeed flashed across her eyes. “Sad? I am sad but not about that. I am sad that he never had the chance to live his life with her. There was no official wedding ceremony and he never got to welcome his child and see him grow up. That is something to be sad about.

“My master … he was a good man and he deserved so much more than he had. To have even these simple things taken away from him, of course, I am sad. That he lost his life …” She shook her head. She could not deny it any longer and maybe for the first time, she allowed herself to really think about what this meant. “There is nothing that could make me sadder.”

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