Confessions
I woke from some weird dream, where I was being chased by cell phones doing mind blowing ringing attacks, only to find my cell phone ringing. On top of my lingering exhaustion, fear and stress from a few hours before, it felt a bit like doom ringing home.
“Janice….” I suddenly realised after the first moments of darkness. I clambered out of my bed and stumbled to the door. I opened it carefully only to see a very worried four-some. They were all there. For me. They quickly entered while I was tearing up.
“Girl, what happened?”
“You are a mess! How come you are so dirty?”
“Are you ok?”
“Come here,” Crystal said, while enclosing me in a warm hug.
“Get her to the shower.“ Janice instructed.
“Good caring Janice-mother, ever keeping her cool,” I thought. “I should have taken a shower before I went to bed. Nope, wasn’t gonna happen, I was utterly ‘out’.” Thinking about last night brought a part of all that happened back; and I started trembling. A tear was forming and flowed unchecked over my cheeks.
Crystal ushered me to the bathroom where Caro started to peel my clothes away. The shower was already running. I was too shook up to be ashamed of being naked in front of them. I just stammered a thanks and took place under the warm stream of water. They left me alone and went to bedroom to wait for me.
After a few minutes I was calming down and started to wash out my hair. It surprised me how soothing this was. I applied loads of shampoo and hid my long hair under a thick layer of foam. Rinsing it while gliding my fingers through was a surprisingly pleasant feeling. Afterwards I used half a bottle of hair conditioner. I still feel the pain from trying to comb my hair after skipping this. I ended up losing more time than if I had used conditioner.
“Almost ready?” I heard Flora ask. I saw her head peak from behind the door.
“Yes, I’m finished. Just taking a towel to dry myself.” I responded.
“I can’t get over it how beautiful she looks.” I heard a voice say.
“I know. When we helped her in the shower, I had trouble not to stare. With her looks, she could turn me into girls, even while I’m happily married” I heard someone responding. I think that was Flora.
I emerged from the bathroom refreshed, with a nervous feeling in my tummy.
“Feeling better and ready to talk about what happened?” asked Janice with worried eyes.
I nodded and sat down on the ground. The bed was taken. It only took a second before they all joined me on floor. I took a few moments to collect my thoughts. They were all looking expectantly to me. A shiver ran through my body.
“I was abducted.”
“We figured as much,” Janice said. The bomb I dropped didn’t yield in much surprise.
“I saw you being carried away by two men into the crowd. But when I tried to go after you, I tripped and when I got up again, you were gone.” Crystal said. “We were sick of worry. What happened exactly?”
“I got injected with something and lost consciousness. When I woke up, I was bound up in a riding van. It was scared out of my mind.”
“We went to the police for this. But they said they lacked the manpower to conduct a large-scale search. We needed to wait 24h for this. Apparently, that was the protocol they had to follow. And we should contact them if we had more news,” Janice said. “They did come to the site to investigate but didn’t find any clues.”
“You really notified the police?”, I asked strangely moved. This was the first time that someone, correction, a group of friends cared this much for me. My lips started to tremble.
“Yes, we did. We spent about three hours at the station. We told you were in the police station before, due to the protests, wrongly arrested. We hoped to appeal to a make-it-right sense and to instil a sense of urgency. They pulled up a vid of you for us, so we could positively identify you.” Janice told.
“We all watched that in awe! You got some serious moves, girl. No wonder I had a hard time beating you on the climbing track.” Crystal added. The others nodded vigorously.
“I don’t know how I did that…” I objected. I looked up with a small smile. A small bloom of proudness flowering in my heart.
“Now, what happened further? You woke up in a van…”, Flora intervened curiously.
“Yes, well, apparently I recovered too fast. I should have been out for a few more hours. Dunno. There were two men in front. They took me to a warehouse where they chained me to a pillar on the top floor.” I recalled. My breathing was increasing from the images and fear assaulting my mind. I quickly wiped away a tear that was forming in the corner of my eye.
“I was left there, all chained up, for hours. Clearly, I was bait for some other party who was interested in me.” I whimpered. “I don’t know why! I didn’t do anything!” This time it was Flora that scooped me in a hug. I leaned a bit into her, searching for the strength to continue the story. They were all breathlessly waiting for me to continue.
“The person that entered was Sam. He was wounded. Those tugs had caught him while he was sneaking in. At first, I thought Sam was coming to my rescue and I was overflowing with love and happiness and worry. But then they started talking all kinda spy shit against each other. I guess Sam is not who we thought he was.” I explained in tears. I started crying and shivering. “Sam was trying to get close to me, because he wanted something of me. Scumbag. I hate him! He was toying with me.”
I began visibly shaking recalling the next part.
“They started to torture me with stun guns. They used modified ones that give higher intensity shocks.”
“They did what???” they cried out and started talking through each other. I just made myself smaller and leaned a bit more into Flora.
“Shh! You are not helping her!” Janice shouted when she saw me curling up. Flora tightened the hug to comfort me.
“What happened next?” Crystal asked flatly but with a dangerous undertone in her voice. “I so want to kill those guys.”
I flinched at her remark and continued. “Somehow the largest stun gun malfunctioned, and they got electrocuted and died. My chains broke and I ran. I can’t stop seeing them dying. At the moment it happened I wished them to die but now I want to take it back. Two people are dead because of me. And Sam was heavily wounded, but I was too much in a panic to care and ran without helping him. I also didn’t want to come near him again. He betrayed me. He let them torture me. He did nothing to stop it. They hurt me to get Sam to talk. Please tell me Sam didn’t die too.” I cried out. At the end I was just rambling with tears streaming over my face. Almost incoherently.
Silence reined. Four pair of eyes were looking at me completely stunned.
I was silently crying and sniffing. I kept on seeing the hole in the chest and the throat. I kept on seeing Sam, no Captain Green, lying on the floor bleeding, heavily wounded. But I couldn’t tell them what I did. This was as far as I could go. They wouldn’t believe me anyways.
When I thought about it, I felt that little ball of energy near my heart pulsing like a living animal, waiting to jump out. It filled me anguish. “Maybe I should tell them. I’m so sick of this.”
After a few minutes, Caro said: “That was an amazing story. I can’t believe this happened to you. I can’t believe you got out of this. None of us would have pulled this off. I don’t think you should feel guilty or ashamed for what you did. You were the victim.”
I raised an eyebrow at her and threw a careful look.
“Is there more?” Caro said throwing me a questioning look. “It’s ok if you don’t want to tell it. This was already traumatic enough. I just noticed you hesitated a few times.”
“Tell more? They’ll never believe me! And I killed! I’m a murderer. They will never want to have something to do with me again!” I thought confused.
“But I killed those guys. And it was because of me that Sam was heavily wounded.”
“I don’t understand that”, said Crystal. “How can you be the killer when the stun gun just exploded. And how can you have wounded Sam.”
“I’m quite sure I made the gun explode. I heard a voice in my head to push the electricity out of my body and I tried to do so. I was in so much pain. And it worked. I somehow created a lightning bolt that made the gun explode and also killed Mr Arab and Mr Gym and hurt Sam. And destroyed my chains.” I was spitting the words out as fast as I can.
“That’s impossible. Humans can’t produce lightning.” Janice said as a matter of fact. “You are traumatized.”
“I think I can.” I replied demurely.
“Still impossible.” Janice insisted.
“I think I can show it.”
I stretched my arm and touched the core inside of me, thinking about the lightning and the feeling of last night and having the electricity moving around my arm. Nothing happened.
“It isn’t working.” I sighed.
“Of course. Just told you it’s impossible.” Janice calmy state.
The others were watching with fascination at my hand.
I closed my eyes and tried again. Concentrating a bit more on the that living ball beside my heart. I felt the energy flowing and nudged it towards my arm. I felt it move this time. It kept escaping and turning back. After a few tries I succeeded in letting the energy reach my hand. Suddenly a few sparks jumped between my fingers and around my hand.
I squeaked and instantly lost my concentration. The sparks disappeared. “How on earth did I ever create a lightning bolt if only sparks required this amount of effort???”
Caro let out a short high-pitched scream. Luckily not too loud and Flora completely froze at my side and broke the hug. Janice’s eyes were popping out, like they were about to flee the building. Crystal went from zero to over nine thousand in excitement.
“You made sparkles! You really can do this! So cool!” She shouted out.
I smiled at her, a little conflicted, waiting in silence for the rest to say something too.
“I can believe what I saw.” Janice spoke in fear. She was clearly trembling. “This is scary.”
“Don’t hate me.” I whispered in a small voice, desperately hoping I would not lose my friends. I felt so empty and scared inside. I started sobbing again.
“Wow, that’s a lot to take in!”, Caro muttered.
“We still love you and care for you, right girls?” Crystal said looking at the others.
They all nodded.
Janice moved over me and took me in her arms. She let my head rest against her shoulder. I could feel she was still a little conflicted but the care for me had won. I did my best to get her blouse as wet as possible with tears.
“Electricity. Girl, you are a strange one,” Crystal said.
“I can’t go to the police.” I replied. “I can’t tell them about the lightning. I’m basically a murderer!”
“Now, girl! You listen up!” Caro said. “You were chained up, tortured, and tried to do something that is simply impossible and somehow it worked.”
“There is no way you should feel guilty.”
“Torture is one tiny step away from murdering you. They were slowly killing you while you were defenceless and chained. Even if you did know what you were doing and killed them intentionally, you were still doing the right thing!” Crystal added.
“It’s ok that you feel bad about it. It makes you a loving and caring human! But you did the right thing. There was other way out for you!” Flora said softly. She had tears in her eyes.
We were all silent for a bit. Except from some sobs from me. But I was calming down again.
“I think you better leave that lightning part out and just stop at a malfunction of the stun gun for the official story.” Janice said dryly. “It’s ok that you don’t remember everything exactly. That’s normal under heavy stress and emergency situations.”
“But I’m still unclear about why those people are so interested in you. It was not just those two, but it was also Sam who tried to get to you. In a more friendly way.”
I sat up a bit straighter, leaving the warm hug and wet blouse of Janice behind. I told them the story I fabricated when alone in the warehouse. I felt sick telling them this lie. They don’t deserve being lied to. But the truth was the core of all problems and I wanted to protect them.
“And I think they all were after Julian and that is why they took me. Just because I took his place. I think they hoped to get information out of me or hoped I would lead them to him.” I concluded.
“Wow, again,” Caro said. “That’s rough.”
“You are virtually homeless!” Janice exclaimed. She started holding me again. “Oh my god, the things you had to go through. Life is not giving you lemons. It’s soaking you in sulfuric acid.”
I felt bad and good at the same time. I still lied to my friends. I still didn’t tell the entire truth. But the entire truth would put them in mortal danger. I had the feeling I could tell them. That made it worse on my consciousness. I most certainly didn’t want them in the same position I was in. I stared blankly ahead.
“Girl, you are in serious trouble,” Caro suddenly said.
“You aren’t here legally and your employment to our firm is fishy. You are being targeted and escaped a kidnapping, leaving dead people behind. You are involved with clearly dangerous types, most probably your half-brother being one of them. And on top of that you can do some supernatural shit,” she continued.
“You are going to need help. A lot of help.” Caro concluded. She looked at me with a mixture of pity, awe, compassion and fear.
“Do you all agree to help her?” Caro asked in the group.
“I don’t know.” Janice said. “I want to, but I’m honestly scared of all of this. It keeps getting bigger.”
“I’m scared too.” I heard Flora say from behind me. “I’m afraid we’ll drown in this.”
“But can’t you see how much scarier this whole situation is for Marie?” said Caro, pleading for my cause.
“I think she is a genuine hero. Grew up in bare circumstances. Got here illegally. Survived the riots on her first day. Got kidnapped and then escaped on her own power, meanwhile giving two baddies the punishment they more than deserved.” Crystal said with an admiring look. “And she has powers!”
“You are such an airhead.” I blurted out. “How can anyone consider me a hero? I feel like garbage. I’m worth nothing.” I felt like the Marie in the story. Miserable life finding new lows on each turn. It was getting harder to draw the line between the Marie-fiction and my Julian life. I really needed to stop doing this. I needed to go back to my kids and have a few months of boring support-hours.
“Crystal is right.” Caro added and then turned to me. “You shouldn’t be sorry. You shouldn’t cry. You shouldn’t feel worthless. You should stand tall with head high. What you did, none of us could have done.” “Except for you, I certainly don’t know anyone who would have survived all this. I will help. You should feel proud and not guilty or depressed.”
“But you didn’t see the bodies! The gruesome way they died.” I opposed.
“Yes, but they kidnapped you and started to torture you! You are allowed to defend yourself. And who knows what would have happened after they were done with you. There was no guarantee they would have let you go. They might have had the intention to kill you anyways.” Janice said in her business tone. I clearly saw the righteousness and fear fighting on her face.
Silence sank in for a few more minutes. Flora crawling from behind me and sat beside me. She studied me for a moment.
“I will help. But I’m scared shitless. I don’t even know if it’s wise that I don’t feel scared of you at all with what you can do. I will keep a bit of a distance from all of this. My husband and I are going to try to have some children soon and I don’t want to jeopardize it. But I will do my part,” she said.
I nodded understandingly. After all, I have two kids myself. Although not in this form.
“In past week, you have proven to be sweet and loyal and a good friend. We can’t always choose what happens to us, only how we react to it. I will not react poorly. I will help however I can and defend you.” Janice stated. “As long as you understand, I’m quite scared of all this.”
“You will need to go to the police station for a statement. You are still officially missing. Just don’t tell the part about being here illegally or the lightning. Maybe you better change the part about those tugs dying into getting hurt and you running away without looking. I’ll go with you and rehearse your story and flesh it out where needed so you know what to tell.” Janice continued. “And we need to think about a way to get you back to our country without being gobbled up by a border guard.”
“And get you away from your half-brother!” Caro added. “But first, put on some cloths and let’s go downstairs for breakfast. We are going to miss out on the start of our day and that’ll raise unwanted questions.”
They all agreed and got moving. Janice quickly pulled out a blouse and skirt combo that looked really good on me. It didn’t take long to get ready.
“How did you get these powers?” Crystal suddenly blurted out.
I blushed and stammered. “I don’t know. I didn’t even know I was capable of this before last night.”
Breakfast happened peacefully. I kept quiet and just listened to the chatter of my friends. They were trying so very hard to distract me. Flora already talked to one of the venue leaders to excuse us for this morning. We needed to go to the police. The organisers already knew I went missing last night. They were relieved I was back. Guess it’s not good for them to lose a participant. They didn’t ask questions.
The silent, loud exclamation mark above our breakfast was the absence of Sam. Normally he would have joined us. It drove the point home that I was telling the truth, no matter how unbelievable. But then again, between me producing sparks around my hand and my kidnapping, Sam not being here, was almost a minor thing.
I was being torn between missing Sam and his comforting presence and hating Sam-Captain-Green for using me. After all, those tugs were convinced that hurting me would make Sam talk. My emotions were spinning around.
Then, I suddenly stopped mid-chew. “I’m a guy! I’m Julian. I’m not Marie. These feelings are ridiculous.” I felt like I was losing myself to Marie. With each passing day, Marie fit more and more. Like a tailor-fit glove. It was unsettling. I watched my arm holding my fork. It was slender. A huge difference from how it used to be. It looked beautiful and graceful. It wasn’t my arm. It was my arm. “I want to wake up and feel relieved for this all being a dream.” I thought. This wasn’t going to happen, I realized. I felt too much pain and emotions and I met people I never saw before. This was no dream. More like a living nightmare.
At the police station, they asked a little more questions than my friends. They asked how I got away from the warehouse and back to the hotel. I guided them to the parking lot where they immediately sealed off the area to investigate the vehicle. They traced back to the transhipment warehouse and took me over there. I started hyperventilating and crying.
“Do I really have to do this?” I asked shaking with clear fear in my eyes.
“We would like you to push through and help us. We know this is a true nightmare. We really appreciate this. You are safe. We are here with an entire squad, and we will scout to make sure there is no danger,” the policeman said.
I nodded and pointed to the gate I used to get out. They quickly went in and following my descriptions, they secured the area. I was escorted to the top floor. There were no bodies. But there were puddles of blood and remains of chains. And scorch marks. I felt relieved. After all, I stated the kidnappers were only unconscious.
“There clearly happened something here,” the policeman stated. “Can you show us where you were chained?”
It took them to the pillar. It was fairly obvious with the blood stains, the broken twisted remains of the chains and the scorch marks.
I also pointed out where Sam was chained. I was on the verge of a breakdown. The policeman saw it and escorted me out again.
“Thanks for the help. We will take it from here. I advise you to contact a counsellor when you get back home to process everything that happened to you. You won’t be able to leave this behind easily,” the officer said.
The entire morning had passed. I was a wreck. I just wanted to go back to the hotel and sleep.
Caro, who stayed with me the entire time, made sure I did. I fell asleep with her watching over me.
There was still no sign of Sam anywhere. He was absent. Nobody knew where he was. Not even his ‘colleagues’. Tomorrow we would pack up and head ‘home’ again. I longed to see my kids. I dreaded to see my kids. I wholeheartedly wanted to leave everything behind and forget it ever happened. I didn’t want to lose contact to my new friends. I didn’t want to hurt them. This was an utterly impossible situation.
