Coping

After an hour wallowing in the hot shower, I rose and searched in vain for products to wash my hair. With disdain I pondered my generic cheap hair cleaning fluid and sighted deeply. For a second, I considered changing to Julian just to avoid using that nasty chemical touching my hair. In the end, I wrapped a towel around me and set of to Shana’s room to get her products. The split between the Marie-me and the Julian-me was increasing. The Marie-me really liked taking care of her body. It helped that my female body was just perfect in every possible way. I was still emotional when walking around in the house and throwing on some fresh brand-new clothes from my shopping spree. I picked a legging and a super comfy oversized shirt that was hanging on one shoulder.

I dropped barefoot into the couch. It felt bigger and less pleasant. The upholstery was too rough. I never noticed that before. I sat down thinking about everything that happened. I had to get up and leave for Lisa’s shortly. My emotions were still all over the place. I felt a little disconnected. Like the world was no longer real. I felt hollow. I felt like crying. I felt like nothing made sense anymore. I was no longer in shock, but I was mentally completely exhausted. After an hour of sitting like a frozen statue, I picked myself up and packed my stuff into a plain sports bag. I threw on a coat and put on one of my new pair of shoes. Marie was now the proud owner of three pair of shoes. On top of the ‘Julian’ clothes I both I packed another set from his/my closet into a bag to leave at Lisa’s. I began to realise it was a mistake to come here. The thought about the many prying eyes who were surveying this house were starting to haunt me.

I looked around for things I really didn’t want to miss having around. I had the strange sense of premonition that it was going to take a long time before I saw this place again. In the end, I just picked up some extra clothes and goodies for my little ones and went off.

Walking to my car, gave me a new apprehension of a rabbit in a spotlight in the forest. I had the feeling I was being watched from everywhere. Although, I couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary. But that only increased my anxiety. “Why did I even come here?” I thought. I had the sad realisation that I had no real identity left in my own house. The only identity I experienced while living there was solely me as caretaker of my children. There were pictures of them, blankets, clothes, toys, … I was not present in the theme of the house. It was furnished and decorated child friendly. Their rooms had joyous colours and breathed life. Their warmth bled over to the living rooms and just every other room. The highest attachment I had, was with some favourite kitchen-tools. Altogether, that was just sad.

I rode around with my eyes glued to my mirror. I really engorged myself into paranoia. I did really stupid things like riding three times around a roundabout, riding in and out of a public parking, parking alongst a road where only a few cars were parked, waiting for three minutes and then driving off again. My route to Lisa’s place was a giant curve. I would later learn how foolish I was behaving.

When I entered the house a wave of relief washed over me. I made it. Without any suspicious vehicle tailing me. Or at least I didn’t notice one.

The sight of Shana and Mark arguing about their homework erased my worries and filled me with happiness. Lisa was wandering around the house, on the phone with one of her friends. I went to say hi to my kids who didn’t know they were my kids. It didn’t take long before I was sitting in between them, helping them with their assignments. My heart radiated happiness and calm and I had a happy smile on my face.

Time sped up and before we realized, Lisa and I were sitting together in the couch again. Shana and Mark sound asleep.

“I’m gonna make me a cuba libre. Want one too?” Lisa asked.

A short flashback of this afternoon passed my eyes and I nodded. I wasn’t exactly in the mood for a drink, but I absolutely could use one. It would help me relax and sleep well.

“What happened today, Marie?” Lisa asked when handing my cocktail. “You walked out this morning in a great mood, but since you entered, you were very silent, and I’ve seen you get a very haunted expression a few times.

I grimaced painfully. I considered waving it away. But I really wanted Lisa’s help and I knew I could trust her. To be honest, I needed to get the story out of my system. I needed to share the burden of what happened, of my fears, of my sorrows.

“It started great actually. I was super happy and wonderfully relaxed, after I dropped the kids off,” I began. I told about the coffee shop, the students I met and the fun I had with the sudden invitation to the shooting range. Lisa was listening very interested. It was amusing. Especially the part where I spoke about Geoff, who was really into me, and the shopping and modelling I did for them. I side-tracked to the bridal dresses I modelled in Paris and for a while we were swiping through my pictures with a lot of oh’s and ah’s.

“Ok, but what happened next?” Lisa suddenly asked seriously. She looked very caringly and comforting at me.

I immediately fell silent. An unwanted tear formed and slithered down to my cheek.

“I was attacked.”

Lisa’s eyes widened in horror and surprise.

“When I left the bus to get to my car, carrying all my shopping bags, I walked into a gang of thugs. I succeeded in escaping them and walking to my car, but they followed me and ambushed me on the parking lot.” I told her with a smothered voice. “I think they were going to kidnap me and rape me and kill me.”

“How did you escape? You aren’t hurt, right? Did someone show up to save you?” Lisa asked worriedly.

“No.” I answered. My mind was replaying the attack. I felt the bones breaking again under my hits.

I shuddered.

“I defended myself and chased them away.” I responded after a few moments torturing myself.

Lisa looked at me unbelieving. “How?”

“I’m crazy strong as Marie. In emergencies, it’s like time slows down for me. Or I just start moving faster. I still haven’t figured that one out. When they tried to grab me, I evaded, and I hit on the spots I remembered from some self-defence documentary some time ago. I combine that with some on the spot improv and some inspiration from movies.”

“And it worked out?” Lisa asked.

“Yes, I really succeeded in keeping them at bay, but then I started thinking about Shana and you and I got really mad and scared. This is the kind of filth that ambushes girls and rape them and leave them for dead afterwards. I hurt them badly. I’m so conflicted about it.” My voice was cracking up and I was shuddering again. Lisa came close and pulled me in a hug.

“Shhh, you are safe here,” she comforted me.

I mentally smiled at her attempt. I’m a hundred times stronger and deadlier than her and here she was, comforting me and giving me the feeling of being protected.

“How did you get away?” Lisa asked.

I smirked. “They ran.”

Lisa looked at me with an expression full of disbelieve.

“When I escaped to my car I went to my old place and took a hot shower for an hour or so. I was totally in shock. I think a part of me still is…” I continued. Tears were now silently streaming over my face.

Lisa grabbed me more tightly and let me cry for a bit. After a while she let me pull back a little only to gently give me a soft kiss on my lips.

My eyes widened. This was a bit unexpected. I didn’t want to continue, and I also didn’t want to reject her outright, so I laid my head on her shoulder.

“Did you kill any of them?” Lisa suddenly asked. “Eeh ... sorry, that’s rude ... it’s just... I dunno. Curious? Worried?” Lisa was blushing in shame and stammering.

“It’s ok,” I told her, “I didn’t kill any of them.” I frowned thinking. “I’m not sure if all of them will survive the wounds I inflicted.” I paused a little more. “But I’m very sure that the people who attacked me will never be the same.” I gave a fierce look.

It felt nice and soft and very warm to lean on Lisa’s shoulder. We were quiet for a while, just sipping on our cocktails.

“I think the most important thing is, that you escaped, and the bad guys didn’t get away with it like they normally do.” Lisa finally concluded. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you weren’t in the fault. You even made this world a little safer. Don’t feel sorry or conflicted about it.”

“But I do!” I exclaimed. “I could have gotten away without breaking their bones and crippling them permanently.”

She pulled me back a little and kissed briefly me again. It felt nice and safe.

“Shhhhh,” she said, using the kiss to silence me. “You did a splendid job. These guys had it coming. The victims they made, will never completely heal too. It’s justice. I’m glad it’s done. It’s a pity you had to do it. But it’s done. And it’s good. You should be proud of yourself in stead of beating yourself up over it.”

She pulled me more against her.

“Thanks!” I whispered softly. “I think I needed to hear this. I felt I did something evil.”

She turned to me and looked in my eyes. After a while, she approached, clearly intended to kiss me again. Somehow, I didn’t feel comfortable about it.

“What is going on?” I asked myself. “This is Lisa. She used to be my wife. I made steaming love with her yesterday and now kissing her feels weird. Is this because I’m currently Marie? Do my emotions work differently when being Marie?”

I let Lisa kiss me. Her lips were so soft and warm. It was so gentle. Meanwhile her hands were roaming my body in featherlight caresses.

I felt obliged to do keep kissing but I didn’t feel a thing. There was no tingle, no arousal, no longing. There were just the warm and tender sensations. Nothing more. I fully knew how kissing worked. It did it yesterday evening.

Lisa clearly felt something was wrong. She stopped and looked at me. “What is wrong?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I can’t explain. I just don’t feel any attraction or arousal. It feels like I’m doing something wrong.” I answered with my eyes cast down.

She sighed. “It’s ok. Cuddles?” she suggested.

I nodded and made myself comfortable leaning against her.

“I don’t understand,” I heard Lisa say. “You are still the same person. And yet you aren’t. This is messed up.”

“I don’t understand it myself,” I replied demurely. “I clearly remember yesterday and all the emotions and passion, but I don’t feel this at this moment. I’m think I’m just tired.”

“You know, attraction and passion, just works a bit differently as a woman.” Lisa enlightened me. “Stress, emotional unbalance, trauma, tiredness, it all influences us. Guys seem to just live by their dicks and solve everything with them. Women don’t and can’t. Best is to not worry about it. Worrying is counter-productive.”

I hummed neutrally. I felt there was much truth in her reasoning but that it was not applicable her. I think, as Marie, I just wasn’t very attracted to woman. I tried to envision Lisa as a strong man, and I immediately felt something stirring inside me. “Ok, that was definitely clear. And disturbing.” I forcefully stopped thinking about it.

We talked a bit more and eventually got to sleep in the bedroom. Lisa wrapped herself around me. She was just the bigger spoon now. It felt great in a very non-sexual way, and I slept a healing sleep.

 

---

Lectured

“Report to Max’s office immediately!”

Those were the first words I heard when I entered for my first training day.

I followed the soldier to the meeting room Max was in. Max was standing close to a giant screen with a high-altitude picture of a parking lot with people strewn around.

He turned around to me.

“Is this what you consider low-profile? Is this what you consider not drawing attention?” he asked with a deadly serious expression.

I blanched at little and shuffled on my feet while looking down. “I didn’t ask them to gang up on me and attack me.” I tried apologizing.

“That you didn’t, but the way you maimed them is rather extreme. We needed an entire clean-up crew and a PR specialist to keep this under wraps.”

“What happened to them after I left?” I asked against better judgement.

“We killed them and if you would have watched the news, you would have seen images and reports about a terrorist attack with a home-made firebomb.” Max told me with ice in his eyes and tone.

I swallowed audibly.

“You maimed eight of the twelve gang members. Two of those eight were going to die no matter what we did in the next days. Three of those eight were critical, might have lived on but would live on crippled and spoon fed till the end of their days. The last three were heavily wounded but would heal up, although never completely if the reports from the clean up crew were correct.” Max added.

I remained silent. I already had my own emotional conflict on what I did. This was not helping. A sorry was not going to cut it.

“You will put through the more advanced training regimen, so you learn fast to deal with these kind of situations inconspicuously. You will still get beginner class, so your curriculum will be rather busy. Don’t expect too much time to catch your breath.”

Max eyed me intently.

“Thank you, sir” I stammered. Not sure what I was thanking for but it seems liked the correct reaction.

“Now, this feat only shows your prowess and possible skill, so we are not really mad about it. But when you drove off, you did something very stupid. You tried to not being followed in the way it works in movies. Which is entirely bullshit.” Max blurted out.

I blinked my eyes in surprise.

“Do you know how we knew you were fighting? How do you know we know about this whole situation?” Max asked rhetorically. “Your stress, heartrate and other parameters were suddenly skyrocketing. We got that through from your watch. So, we sent a drone to check upon you. That is how we got this picture by the way!” Max theatrically gestured to the screen.

“I’m guessing you never noticed the drone. And neither did you notice the tracker that got attached to your car or the warning light in your car about the tracker. Luckily the car reports home and has jamming equipment on board. After we activated the jamming, a hostile drone sought you out and followed your antics. We had it taken down by a sniper.”

I was white as a sheet of paper now.

“In the future, don’t do ‘interesting’ things. Boring people tend to disappear from the radar. Interesting people keep on popping up in reports. If you drive into a parking lot. Park your car, do something and come back. If you stop along the route, step out, ring a door while keeping an eye on your environment. If you encounter a roundabout, don’t pretend to be in an amusement park. You can do one tour because you were distracted and missed your exit, but not three tours.”

I felt thoroughly chastised. “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll learn from my mistakes.”

“You’d better! And fast! You have put yourself on the map. Meaning that if you get spotted by the wrong surveillance cameras, you’ll immediately have a tail again. You will have to learn fast to spot them and deal with them in a non-interesting way.” Max continued. “When your three days here are over, you head back to the place you are currently staying and stay there. Stay inside and don’t move. Do that at least for the next month until you learned how to act properly in public.”

“Yes, sir!” I exclaimed. I was already dreading to go back to Lisa. Being locking in one place was not something to look forward too. Also, last evening and night was nice but contained a little awkwardness.

“Mrs Mart is waiting outside this room to guide you to your room and your intro session. You are dismissed!” Max ordered.

“Please follow me to your quarters.” Mrs Mart said the second she saw me.

I almost had the audacity to say: “Good morning”, but I was lucky to swallow it fast enough. We walked in silence through the labyrinth until she stopped at a door. Two names were mentioned aside the door and one was mine. Without wasting words, I entered and put my bag on the right bed, following the example of the left bed which already had a suitcase on it. Twice the size of my bag. Only having a few sets of clothes paid off.

Mrs Mart was tapping impatiently outside the door. She didn’t need a single word to convey the message. “Hurry up, I don’t have all day,” her attitude scolded me. She was giving me the North Pole treatment.

When she saw I was leaving the room, she immediately turned and started walking, making me play catch-up.

“Remember the way,” she instructed, expertly navigating through the halls.

We entered a central hall where about 20 other men and women were waiting. I was the last to join. “Right, way to go to make a good impression, Marie!” I thought with a mental sigh.

“Here is your instruction session.” Mrs Mart told while already turning away to disappear in the entrails of the castle again.

I already felt the glances of the others towards me. The male mammals lingering longer than the female ones. I rolled my eyes and tried to play cool and ignore it. It helped spotted our first instructor. Miss Four. The woman I had to fight in a one-on-one combat. When she moved I saw she still had a slight limp. I blanched a little in compassion. At the same time, I felt a little happy she was walking around again. She looked me straight in the eyes with a slight smirk on her lips before starting her welcome speech.

“Oh-oh … she is going to give me extra attention. This is gonna be ‘fun’,” I feared.