“Wow, is this real Emperador Dark Spanish Marble Mosaic tile? This statue is beautiful, I think my Auntie has the exact same one! I can’t believe I got to visit this place; it reminds me of when my European history teacher taught our class about the castle constructed by Emperor Byz…”

Yet again, I am awoken by the sound of Dillan’s voice. As much as I appreciate the fountain of unending knowledge that is his mouth, I would be far happier if he would just shut up.

“I agree with you Sir Dillan, this room is indeed quite pulchritudinous”

Why is Rain giving into Dillan’s stupidity? Wait…

“An exemplary observation, my fellow arbiter of artistic form. Of course, the real credit goes to Sir Dillan, whose divine comprehension needs no further explanation to convey its transcendence," I shout in a classy voice.

“Attention future heroes. As much as I hate to ruin your conversation, I would like to bring some important matters to your attention. I, King Buttermuffin, the fourth-and-a-half ruler of the Butterscotch Kingdom, have summoned you, brave heroes, here today in order to ask for your help. You see, the Demon King’s forces are encroaching upon my empire, and I need a group of valiant knights to stop him. My attendant Phillip will explain the rest of the situation to you.”

“Greetings. My name is Phillip, and his Royal Highness King Buttermuffin has tasked me with the assignment of evaluating all of you individuals. According to the ancient records, you otherworlders should have been granted superior contracts by the gods; as such, all of you should have incredibly strong powers. This crystal orb analyzes the details of any person who touches it. The king is quite interested in seeing what powers you all have.”

A tale as old as time. The American educational system screws me over time and time again. The future is grim.

“Let’s see. Could you two fine gentlemen approach the ball? You both look quite capable.” Phillip raises his finger towards us.

Of course, we get picked first.

“We would be more than happy to, sir,” I exclaim, trying to hide my reluctance.

“Yeah, sure,” Rain nonchalantly replies.

The orb emits a soft glow of light as our pitiful characteristics are displayed for all the world to see. I hope nothing bad happens.

Phillip widens his eyes as he says: “Oh dear, I’ve never seen such atrocious abilities in the more than 50 years that I have worked at this castle. I’m afraid you two simply aren’t cut out for fighting; have you ever considered working as a cook… or a barber? Sadly, our kingdom simply does not have the finances to support two people with no future potential. I can give you both two pieces of gold, but you’ll have to leave the castle. If I could do anything more to help you both, I would. Again, I am sincerely sorry for this unexpected turn of events.”

He’s looking at us with eyes full of pity. It’s almost as if he thinks we’ve been diagnosed with cancer at the age of 5. And the worst part is, I can’t even direct any anger towards him -- he earnestly believes that we would be better off elsewhere. I’m a charity case. This is sad.

“Thank you,” We both had trouble responding to such sincerity.

As we step outside the castle with leather pouches in our hands, I take a moment to appreciate the scenery of the city. It’s a picturesque fantasy world. Even the houses are indiscernible from those of an average isekai.

“Welp this might be ok, I mean half of all isekais start with the main characters getting kicked out of the castle,” Rain mumbles doubtfully.

“It’s only a matter of time before we unlock some secret powers that make us the strongest men in the kingdom. Right?”

“Ye. We’re gonna kill the ultra-super-giga-chad dragon emperor and have no problems for the rest of our lives.”

“Exactly. We’re gonna cruise through this life. In fact, I feel like going out on an adventure right now.”

“An adventure to hell?”

“Shut up. Let’s just go to the Adventurer’s Guild.”

“Yoooo let's go, another info dump. For real though, let’s just pretend we already know how the system works. I don’t want to listen to a clerk explain the concept of a guild for an hour.”

“You right.”

Hmmm. I have to admit, this is kind of cool. There’s a guy selling a strange plant in his stall, an old lady trying to buy some suspicious green liquid,  a young lady getting assaulted in the alleyway… What’s not to love? Wait. Hold on. Why don’t I know what that plant is? What kind of liquid is that lady buying? And is that lady into that kind of stuff, or is she actually getting robbed? Frick. We know nothing about this place; we know nothing about the prices of various goods and services; we know nothing about basic flora and fauna; we know nothing about social customs; we’re screwed.

“Hey, Rain, is rape socially acceptable here?”

“Bruh.”

“Hey. Don’t look at me like that. I was just wondering if that girl wants to be held down by that beefy guy, or if she’s actually in distress.”

In the distance: “HELP ME! SAVE ME! PLEASE!”

Oh. She’s pointing at us. Does she want us to save her? Nooooo. Look at us. We’re weaklings. She must be referring to other people. Yup. My conscience is free.

“Yo, Cloud, is she talking to us?”

“No way bro. Impossible. Think about it this way. Hypothetically, if we were to go and save her, we would probably both get killed. Even if we were to win by some stroke of luck, what do we get out of it? Nothing. Plus, that guy is like twice our size, and he’s incredibly handsome. They might be filming some sort of video.”

“Yeah. I mean we could call for help though?”

“Nononono. I can already predict what would happen. ‘Two young boys report a local criminal to the authorities!’ ‘Local criminal escapes from prison!’ ‘Local criminal brutally murders the two young boys who reported him a few months ago!’ Do you really want that to happen? Let’s just go to the guild.”