"Stop! Stop it dear!"

"Please stop it!"

"It's my fault please just stop—!" 

Ah.

I am having a nightmare.

"I will never forgive you ever again—!"

In that nightmare I was labeled the same as a demon. Which to be fair is an apt description of me at that moment.

But then, "I hope you suffer—er, er, er….." The dreams slow down.

The malicious words sent to me melted like ice cream and a warm light feeling enveloped my surroundings.

Could this be?!

But before I could realize what it was.

"...Mn." I woke up.

My head feels like shit even though I've just slept.

"Hmmnng..." I woke up in a nightmare that turned pleasant at the end.

I hold my head as it hurts, then my palms also sored. I am not feeling comfortable at all.

"What kind of dream was that?" I wonder to myself when I also answered that question.

"It was me." It's Arianne, my roommate in this fragile body of ours.

"You?" I'm confused. "You can go into my dreams as well?" And then my head bobs up and down after.

"Well yeah." She explains. "We both inhabit the same brain so I can peer into your consciousness to an extent, but not fully though. I try my best not to best not to look as much as I can." It's reassuring but—

Her voice becomes much sharper. "When your mind becomes too distressed and chaotic, like your nightmare before. When that happens it affects me as well so I have no choice but to try and alleviate that as much as I can." And after she was done explaining, 

I have no choice but to sigh as well.

"Well that certainly is a problem." Holding my forehead. "But admittedly though I cannot stop myself from having specific dreams. It's not like I can control it." 

"That's right." She nodded and also, due to my relaxed state she was able to control my hands and hold them together. 

Like she's holding my hand to calm me down. "But that doesn't mean you can't move on pass those painful dreams of yours and become happy here Mr. Kim." 

Normally I would not like people talking about my private life but it feels like she's sincere about it. "Yeah, it's my new life. The five people that betrayed me aren't in this world so you're right." Plus there's no choice but for her since she literally lives in my head.

Thinking how those five are not here anymore makes me happy. 

I'll be happy in this world.

But first, "Let's try standing up from this bed at least." I need to improve my health.

"How did you even get to this point?" I wonder, but this time she didn't speak out.

I got out of bed and when I finally stood up,

Grumble~

I'm hungry.

"Jeez, what did I eat yesterday—" I began to think about the events of last night.

My father! I thought. "I met him..." And I reminisced about what happened to me last night.

"Jeez..." Holding my head. "Why was I so stubborn?" Why did I insist on eating his food, was I that hungry? 

"What do you think?" I told my other self.

"It probably has to do with you wanting to eat flavorful food." She responded.

But the way she responded is strange. "Why does it seem like you don't like eating flavorful….food." Then it hit me.

I remember the intense pain I went through when I ate those steaks. It was like my own body rejected it and tried to force it back out, against my will.

I held my tummy tight when I remembered that horrible sensation.

"That's right." I told myself. "I was mad because it meant that I could only eat bland food. That's why I forced myself to eat." 

"...That's right." And she responded to me very meekly.

I ask her with increasing frustration due to her vague answers. "Why is it like that, Arianne? What made you not even able to physically eat proper food?" 

"..." I waited for an answer but there was none.

"Come on, tell me!" I tighten my grip on my stomach. "How could there be a child like you who can't even eat properly—"

"It's not a noble thing to do!" She shouted with so much force even I was taken aback.

"You have to be perfect!" And then another.

"You can't show any emotions!" Then another.

"You will never be a noble if you smile like that…!"

And lastly, "I will never be like my siblings if I don't behave properly..." Her voice went silent for a while.

And then, "...Those were the words that my sibling's mama taught me." She continues, sniffling now. "She said that I can never show any feelings to her and would punish me if I do...so I didn't."

She cannot control her body, but even I know what kind of distress she's feeling right now. So I ask, "Then…even ones where you show joy in eating?"

It took a few seconds but she nodded.

Afterwards, "I was so weak…my will was so weak, I'm such a coward that I called someone else into my soul." And those last words she said shook me.

"Wait what did you—" But before I could even ask.

Knock! Knock!

Someone opens the door.

And that someone is, "Miriam!" She shouted.

I wasn't the one that called her out. 

"My Lady!" Miriam was definitely surprised.

I quickly closed my mouth shut, and before I could call her out she said, "Sorry, it was unintentional."

Shit. So she can take over like that huh. I thought. 

I need to be more careful.

But anyways, "Lady Arianne!" I saw her rushing in quickly with some sort of trolley she's pulling.

She puts the trolley to the side next to the door and quickly comes to me, sitting on her knees and looking at every part of me.

"Miriam? What are you doing…?" I ask.

She then looked at my face and was in shock. 

"What's wrong?" I am now worried about this woman.

"My Lady, why are you crying?" I was surprised. I then touch my cheeks.

It felt wet.

I shed a single tear down my cheeks.

She controlled my eyes for a single moment… I thought in frustration.

But I could not show any emotions right now with this woman staring right at me and so.

"I..." I came up with an explanation. "I had a nightmare." It's true, technically.

I had a nightmare but I did not cry.

I need a better explanation. "You see… There were multiple bad people saying bad words to me that made me feel hurt and then, and then I—" I suddenly felt a tap on top of my head.

It's Miriam, she's patting me on the head, and she's also tearing up as well. 

"My Lady!" And now.

Not only did she pat me on the head, she is now hugging me as well.

"It's alright my Lady." Miriam kept telling me. "That vile wench and her cohorts had been all banished from this household many years ago, they will never hurt you ever again my Lady."

What? This isn't what I meant oh— I got it now.

Due to me giving a vague description of my dream, Miriam thought that I was dreaming of the original Arianne's trauma, but it was in fact mine.

And now that I put it all together…me and Arianne aren't so dissimilar after all. That's the twisted irony of this situation.

We are both fucked up.

And now, "Thank you Miriam." I am hugging her as well.

I may not be deserving of this warmth, but I'll make sure the other me feels this as well. 

And speaking of the other me. "Thank you." She finally talked, albeit in a whisper in Miriam's ear.

I'm sure that's meant for both me and Miriam.

•••

After all that emotional stuff was done with, I am staring at two dishes.

"I am truly sorry Lady Arianne." Miriam bows her head. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to accommodate you last night, so now is where I return my gratitude."

"That's alright." I told her and I looked back at the two plates.

Right now we are in a dining area, not the main one I went to last night but one of the spares that is much smaller and intended for more of a private use.

Back to the food. One is like a donut shaped bread with meat stuffings inside and the other is a piece of bread with a small bowl of grey soup in it.

Obviously I knew what I wanted but my body…is not listening to me.

Grumble~

I sniff at the one with the meat and I can feel my stomach churning badly.

"My Lady..." Miriam notices my longing to look for a tasty dish and almost cry again.

"I'll…eat this one first." My spoon goes to the stale soup and when I tasted it,

"Bland." 

It's bland but it didn't give me a reaction.

"Yes my Lady." Miriam intervened. "For the longest time I had to serve you tasteless food because of your reaction, but hearing your desire to eat delicious food again the chefs poured their hearts out to make this for you." She tried her hardest to convince my body to eat it.

I nodded and I stared at the dish. It looks truly delicious in my eyes with all the meat juices and sauce coating the bread it is surrounded with.

I pull out the spoon and scoop the meat up top, the vibrant sauce with the meat looks truly mouthwatering in my eyes.

But my body says otherwise.

"My Lady, you're shaking." Miriam told me and she was right.

My hands are shaking, the more I go closer my hands start shaking and shaking until I literally can't move my body anymore.

You can do it damn it!

My stomach is raging and my heart is beating so much I'm sweating, I start breathing heavily.

"My Lady—"

"Damn it!" I put the food back down.

As the sauce started to spill on my spoon I just gave up and put that spoon right on top of the meat, with much of the meat and sauce spilling from the impact.

But I didn't care at all at this point. "Damn it..." I put my elbows on the table and covered my face in frustration. "Why is this so hard..." Why is eating so hard?

I know it was hard for you Arianne! I thought while gritting my teeth.

I know it's hard but why is your body not listening to me?

I control this body but it's instincts are still wired to you!

And before long, "I'm sorry..." Tears fell down.

That wasn't me apologizing, it was Arianne. "I'm so sorry I'm like this..." Maybe because it was my increasingly frustrated mental state but Arianne had controlled my head once more.

And meanwhile, "My Lady please..." Miriam, whom I didn't care at all seeing me like this, she was also frantic. "I-I will have the chefs make something even b-better please…" And hearing that.

"It doesn't matter!" I snap back and continue burying my face.

Why? Why am I in such a body that is so weak? 

My mind becomes increasingly more erratic.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm like this…" And the original Arianne keeps repeating herself like this.

When our minds are both unstable we become like this.

My body is in chaos as well, it's twitching and shaking very hard right now like it's having a nervous breakdown. My eyes can't focus and my hands are all moving on their own grabbing my face.

Meanwhile, "Please Lord…"Miriam, who is in the middle of seeing this, even took a step back and began to pray.

Increasingly annoyed by her apologies…

Knock! knock!

"I'm coming in." I heard a voice but my mind was too scrambled to notice.

Our consciousness was with each other, both of us spoke at the same time and on top of one another.

And I snap back, "Why you? Why me? Why can't I remember a single good memory in my past about eating?" It was incomprehensible in many ways but that's what came out.

And it couldn't have come out at the worst time. 

"My Lord!" Miriam is shaking and bowing down. "I-I… I'm so sorry my Lord!"

"Shut it." He looks at her coldly before walking pass.

I can see his shadow behind me but I don't want to turn around, but I know who he is.

"Father..." It's my father Albrecht.

Seeing me like this, all this mess, there's only one thing on my mind now. 

I'm screwed.

I was ready to prepare for the worst and end it afterwards but...

Unexpectedly,

"My daughter..." He puts his hand on my frail shoulders.

"Let me tell you a story about me and your mother, Aria." 

He told me a story. A story that would  make me turn around.

"It's a good memory." He told me before telling the tale.