[WP] God was watching his favourite planet's TV when breaking news of a primitive red carriage floating in space interrupted the broadcast. He said "Oh, shit! The Earth! That's what I was trying to remember!"

“Oh, shit! Mike! Mike!”, God jumped out of his cosy armchair and ran out of the living room frantically. “Miiiikkkkeeee! MICHAEL!!! Where the fuck are you?”

A head popped out of the kitchen, “I’m baking! What’s going on?”

“Earth! I forgot Earth! Do you know what happened? Are they still alive?!”

“I don’t know, ask Jesus”, answered the archangel while mixing his cupcake batter.

Coincidentally, Jesus was nearby. A glass of wine in hand, he was reading some hitchhiker book, “What about me?”

God inquired, “What are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to take care of Earth?”

Jesus’ face distorted in disgust, “Earth?” He abruptly closed his book, scoffed at God, threw his glass on the floor and left.

God was startled, “What was that for?”

“Who knows? A rebellious phase maybe?”

“Mike, go on Earth, tell them that Judgement day is upon them and I will come shortly. Get a report about their situation too.”

“I’m busy!! Why don’t you ask someone else? Lucy is the one who knows them the most,” Michael complained.

“Alright, alright, I’ll call him.”

*

1 month later. U.N assembly. The air was tense and the people terrified. A messenger came earlier stating that Judgement Day was nearing and God will personally come. As such, all leaders on Earth had to be present to the meeting in the hope to defend their country and their future. Even though many nations were not convinced about the authenticity of the message, they still all agreed to be there.

The entire world was waiting, glued to their screens, fidgeting and worried. At noon, the sky above the assembly suddenly darkened, the rumbling of thunder was nearing and lightning struck. In the assembly, a golden throne appeared and sitting was God, bathed in a divine halo. He took human form as not too frightened the people, dressed in white and kind eyes. Next to him, a tall and elegant man dressed in black. His gaze had a cunning edge and this lips drew a sensual and playful arc. His arms crossed behind his back, he surveyed the room.

“Today, we are all gathered to discuss the Earth’s situation. We will review its history and God will pass judgement. You will have the opportunity to defend your case and convince us not to annihilate you.”

The room was wrapped in dead silence, and one could hear hundred of hearts sped up.

“Alright! Let’s start. Who wants to start?”

“....” Obviously nobody.

“Alright, how about peace? I remember you guys like to wage wars, I send you people to guide you, what happened to them?” asked God.

“Kakusandho, that weird child sneaked out to Earth. He reincarnates himself every now and then, called himself Buddha, and mostly stay in the East,” commented Lucifer.

“Oh. Right, what happened with Jesus?”

“Jesus was preaching for a while before being killed. Crucified. He was cool with it until he realised that they completely misunderstood him and wrote some books that had nothing to do with what he said. Was pretty pissed off so, he never came back.”

“Mohammed?”

“Poisoned. Those who followed him and those who followed Jesus don’t get along, even to these days.”

God sighed softly, “I see. What about the savants?”

“Either killed or called crazy. The dark ages weren’t really fun for them,” continued Lucifer.

“Didn’t we send some blessings to special people? What was her name again? Juliette? No, Jean?”

“Joan. Joan of Arc. Killed too.”

“Crucified?”

“Burned alive,” Lucifer said plainly.

God shook his head in disbelief, “What is wrong with you people! And the women that could communicate with angels?”

“Oh, they were called Witches by the Church, tracked down and burned too.”

“Alright, enough! Let’s just talk about the last 100 years.”

Lucifer exhaled and braced himself, “So last 100 years. Lots of inventions and technologies were created. Many wars. Civil wars, massacres, World War I, xenophobia, World War II, Holocaust …”

“Wait, what? Holocaust?” God couldn’t help but massage the bridge of his nose.

“Yeah, they tracked down minorities, homosexuals, and of course, Jews, and then, killed them.”

“Jews again?”

“Yeah… well, nuclear bombs, others wars and genocides and so on.”

God swore out loud, “Fuck! I turned around 10 min and everything goes to shit. Let's stop with the people, what about nature?”

Lucifer paused and pouted.

“They fucked it up too, didn’t they?”

“Scientists warned about climate changes, but rich people said it was a conspiracy and natural disasters happened because of gays. I mean, nowadays, people started to believe the Earth was flat. They are clearly morons.”

“Why didn’t you do something?” asked God a bit annoyed.

Lucifer shrugged helplessly, “First, it's not my job. Second, I was in a galaxy far far away for some time. How could I know they will become THAT stupid? Mike, Raph or anyone else could have done something instead of baking and writing fanfictions.”

God sighed heavily, his gaze full of disappointment, “Alright. Let’s forget it! Erase everything. It’s too late at this point.”

“Wait! You have no right to do that. We, the American people, are chosen by GOD. HE trust us to lead the world! Who do you think you are! Do you think we will believe you?! You are clearly a hologram! Do not listen to him, people! He is clearly a human! I say he’s with the Chinese and want us, Americans…” The round orange-ish man didn’t even finish talking that he was struck by lightning and reduced to ashes.

Everyone gasped, disbelief and terror shone in their eyes. Yet, a brave man stood up and said, “We can change! Please give us a chance!”

“I already gave you a chance when I took you from Mars to install you on Earth. Lucifer, clean up this mess. I need a drink.”