12/12/77

J,

I know what you’re doing to yourself and I know it’s not sustainable. I’ve been there. You tell yourself that you can’t have what you want. What you want more than you’ve wanted anything else in your life. That you don’t deserve it, that you haven’t earned it, or that you haven't suffered enough to deserve something that good happening to you. Suffering isn’t a requirement. I know you have suffered, far, far more than you ever deserved to, but you never had to suffer to deserve to be her. There is no deserving to be yourself J. There is only being yourself or forcing yourself to hide. Enduring the pain of that hidden self, desperately trying to show itself anyway that it can. Burying it deeper and deeper within yourself, only for it to force itself up to the surface every so often. I danced that dance for years J. It’s a no-win scenario.

I know what you want and what you feel you need. For someone to come rushing in, tell you who you are and remove the decision from your hands. To give you the option without having to say that you want it to be on the table. I hate to have to be this person, but that’s never going to happen. You have to be the one who makes the first decision. Others can help you along the way, but you have to be the driving force. I want to help you J, but you have to let yourself ask for help first. You’re not weak and it is not a sign of weakness to ask for help being yourself. It’s a sign of trust and strength and love. 

I won’t drop this either. I know you desperately want to and want me to too, but I refuse. I want you to be happy. You’re right, you’re not rich or dead but you still deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. You are not some evil exception to that rule. If the thought of getting to be her makes you happy, which you said it did, then you should be her. I’m Sam because being Sam makes me content and excited to live past twenty. I enjoy the present and look forward to what the future might hold. I want you to let yourself feel the same way.

It’s not wrong to say that you look forward to my letters. I look forward to yours too. I wish that you had more to look forward to then just my letters, but I’m honored that you look forward to hearing from me that much. I don’t want to stop these letters for both of our sakes, but I won’t stop encouraging you to be happy. What kind of a best friend would I be if I let you sit in misery without trying to get you out of it? I’m not going to stop writing. You don’t have to respond to me, I’ll just keep writing to you. You can burn these letters without ever reading them for all I know. I just can’t sit up here without doing anything, but I can’t make it home until after finals. This will have to do for now. 

Hope to hear from you soon,

Sam

NIXIE 886079497-6N 12/14/77

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As this story has developed, I've tried to avoid anything that I felt warranted a trigger warning. I didn't want anyone who was having a bad day and enjoyed Sam and Tiana's J's story to have to wait to read the newest letter. I realized, however, that I was doing the same thing in the story that I did during my actual gender crisis. For me, and many others, there is a dark place in the denial cycle where who you are and who you feel you can be are nearly opposites and you try to do anything but confront those feelings. A friend helped to pull me out of that place and I hope that Sam can do the same for anyone who is reading this and is still there. I promise you, it's worth it and it does get better.

- Danielle