I'm struggling through darkness.

Far from all light, and love, and life.

Death has swallowed me whole.

Gasping for breath, I struggle against the black embrace of the ocean, bindings of frozen ebony velvet that hold and smother me, pulling me down, down, down.

Far below, the bus falls through the shadows; far above, a maelstrom of shattered glass dances through the water.

My body is tired.

Thrashing wildly against the tide, I gasp for breath, and take in a lungful of burning saltwater.

As I choke, their faces emerge out of the gloom.

One by one, like drowned silvery moons, the pallor of the drowned.

A girl with a shard of glass embedded into her eye socket; a boy with half his face missing. Ms. Blyth with a gaping hole in her throat. Mia with her head haloed in crimson blood; Evan watching me with a sad smile. They reach out to me, clammy fingers grasping my hair, my hands, my legs.

The hands clamp down, and we descend.

I don't resist.

In that moment, I stop fighting.

I can rest.

Together, we'll drift on the icy currents forever.

I'm ready to let go.

And yet...

Yet...

Even in the darkest night, there is the memory of light.

"Ashling."

A voice distant as the moon, soft as rumbling thunder in distant hills.

I hear my name, and I know I'm not alone.

I break free of the hands that hold me, the hungry ocean that seeks to devour me.

I fight the current.

Wheeling blindly through the sunless starless gloom, I seek something I cannot describe, cannot even imagine.

Somewhere out of sight, there is someone waiting for me.

Someone calling me.

I hear her voice, echoing over the glacial swirls, eddying through the shadows.

Wake up Ashling, she cries.

WAKE UP.

"Wake up, please Ashling," Kitty sobs.

Her voice is coming from just above me, maybe only inches away.

My whole body aches, from my head to my toes. I feel like I'm lying down against a hard surface.

There's a throbbing pain in my forehead, like someone drove a burning hot needle into my skull.

I open my eyes a sliver then close them again, the bright sunlight burning into my brain.

"I should... have... known," Kitty blubbers in-between sobs. "After she told me. I should have realized. I never thought... it's so obvious.... of course the ocean... I'm so bloody stupid."

I feel a drop of wetness fall to my lips, tears salty as the sea, briny with her regret.

"No one's blaming you Kitty," a voice says calmly to my right. Elliot. "But you have to tell us everything. What's going on?"

Silence, followed by more sobbing and snuffling from Kitty.

"I can't," she says. "I promised her. She should be the one to..."

Groaning slightly, I open my eyes, and I see Kitty's face just above my own, her own eyes wet with tears. Elliot's face swims into focus on my right, and Ben hovers over me on my left, his face twisted with worry.

Someone's holding my hand.

I turn my face to the side and see Alastaire, his face wet with tears, which he hurriedly wipes away when he realizes I'm staring at him.

My hand...

I look down, and see Lyall crouching next to me, holding my right hand tightly in his own, an uncharacteristically hard expression on his face.

His warm brown eyes are filled with something I've never seen in him, something I can't quite place.

Anger? Misery?

No.

It's fear.

"Ashlin', yer awake," he says, as he notices my gaze. The fear in his eyes is drowned under an instantaneous flood of relief and happiness, and he smiles at me like a child on Christmas morning, like I'm the best thing he's ever seen. He clutches my hand tighter, his sigh of relief shaking me to my core.

I feel myself lifted up by strong hands from behind, and I sit up, blinking against the bright sunlight, while Elliot pats my back reassuringly. I look down at Lyall's hand again, clasped tightly around my own, and he looks down too, before his face turns bright red and he hurriedly lets go.

"It's ok Felix, she woke up!" Ben yells, and I see Felix standing near the car, his phone against his ear.

Behind him, the ocean stretches out towards the horizon.

The sight of it sends a cold shiver down my spine.

It takes all my strength not to curl up and start screaming as the realization dawns on me. 

I'm back. I came back.

We're parked along the side of the Pacific Coast Scenic Byway, the road that winds through the cliffs overlooking the most rugged part of Oregon's wild and beautiful cost. We're probably not far from where the bus went over on that terrible day.

Felix runs over to us and kneels down next to me, touching his hand to my wrist.

"She still feels cold," he says, his hazel eyes inspecting me from head to toe. "I'm telling them to come anyway."

He lifts his phone and redials, but before he hits call, I reach out and grasp his arm, shaking my head weakly.

"No," I say. "Don't call an ambulance. Please."

He stares at me hard, then puts his phone back in his pocket.

"Ok, but you're still going to see a doctor," he says. "We're driving back to Portland."

The others nod in agreement, and I feel Kitty hugging me from behind, sobbing quietly.

"I'm so sorry Ash," she murmurs. "It's all my fault. I just didn't think that... that..."

I turn around and hug her back, fighting back my own tears as Kitty sobs on my shoulder.

"It's not your fault, ok?" I say, attempting a smile. " And I'm totally fine. Please, just trust me on this. I'll be ok."

I can see Felix and Elliot share a grave look, while Ben shakes his head, biting his lip in concern.

"Cupcake, it's for the best..." Alastaire says, leaning closer to me, frowning as he speaks. "We're worried about you. You need to see someone."

"I know, but..." I look around the circle of worried faces, looking for an ally.

"Lyall, please..." I say, turning to him. "If we go back to Portland, I've basically ruined your birthday. I'm ok now, I promise. I just... it's probably because I didn't eat breakfast this morning. And it's been so hot recently... it must have been sunstroke. Really, I'm ok."

Lyall tenses, looking from me to Felix and Alastaire and the others, and suddenly all eyes are on him. Waiting for his decision.

"I want... I want whatever Ash wants," he says, eliciting a dark look from Felix. "If she says she's ok den she's ok."

He gives me a small smile, and I realize that he gets it. He understands that I don't want to be the one responsible for bringing his special day to a screeching halt. He understands that today is going to be difficult for me, but he trusts me enough to let me try fight my demons – for him, and for myself.

He's going to let me try, and that means the world to me.

"How do you feel?" Elliot asks evenly, as he digs a fruit juice carton out of the cooler box and passes it to me.

"Thanks," I say, poking the straw into the carton with shaking fingers. "I'm ok, really. Where are we going? Cannon beach? Rockaway?" I try to sound chipper, but I know my voice is tight and weak.

"Smuggler's Cove," Ben says, his face lighting up for a moment before he turns serious again. "But I actually agree with the others, we shouldn't-"

"Are ye up for it Ash?" Lyall asks, suddenly placing his hands on my shoulders, and staring into my eyes.

I nod.

"We're goin'," Lyall says, winking at me as he turns around to face the others. "Come on. Let's get a move on."

Felix stares hard at Lyall, then nods, and the others follow suit, helping me to my feet. 

I try to avoid looking at the ocean as we walk over to the car, but it's pointless - I can smell it.

The choking, miserable smell that will forevermore remind me of blood, of death, of loss beyond words.

As I settle down on the backseat, Alastaire's arms wrapped protectively around me while Felix watches me warily in the review mirror, I feel my heart fill with the last thing I expect to feel right now.

Hope.

I can do this. Because I have to.

Thank you Lyall.