What is planned in the rewrite?:
I will address a few things now.
First of all, I'll remove or put the Bestiary on the end of the Arc or the into the Glossary.
Secondly, I'll overwork the path of the story to make it clearer in which direction it goes. Right now many readers are confused about what is happening and yes, I kinda lost myself in too many mysteries. This story isn't supposed to be the Series 'Lost' where you just get plot twist after plot twist after questions that just aren't getting answered.
Third, the protagonist loses her character and identity right now. I planned her as cold, evil, and clever, but right now she is just doing stupid things. Her goal and who she is got blurry.
I never thought that my story would get so many readers and views so fast. I lost focus on what the story really is about. I mean, my god, I have hundreds and hundreds of sites of notes for the Seclusion and ignored my own ideas.
Fourth, the reluctance of the System. I still want to use it in Arc 1, but I need to change the perspective on how it will be addressed in Arc 0
Fifth, characters are too two-dimensional and not significant enough. They are there, but that's all. Too many characters appear without enough 'screen time' to give them a reason to be there in the first place.
Sixth, chapter lengths. Way too inconsistent, needs to be fixed. Ashen Hell for example is hella long but misses to give other appearing characters enough room to define themselves. I mean, it's okay to do this from time to time, but I have way too many of those in the story right.
Also, I probably change Arc into Book. Kinda makes more sense overall.
So in the end I will fix all the stuff before I push the story further. Everything else would only destroy the story as a whole.
The new version is here: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/473408/seclusion/
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I am enjoying the story, but I also had some confusion so I am glad you thought about how and where the story was supposed to go. Just a small note from someone who has read a lot over many many years, its not good to introduce too many side characters all at the same time, and yes, for side characters who are described past a general stage readers need to know that there is a reason for their existence (even if that reason is mostly hidden due to plot).
Also, make sure to give your audience time to connect to the main character before you start introducing side characters. How your MC thinks, how they reason things out, some likes/dislikes, and an overall feeling of how they see themselves, their surroundings, and their position/interactions within their surroundings can really help your audience connect to the MC. If you introduce other characters too early or too many all at the same time, you may not be giving the audience enough time to understand how your mc is doing what they are doing or why they are doing it which will mostly lead to a lack of attention of story progression afterwards.
So I wish you good luck and good health and I look forward to rereading after you have made the changes you feel are necessary.
Thank you for the advice!
Also, that's part of the plan. For example, I will slow down and speed up the pace of the first chapters at the same time and reduce the early info dump. Meaning I want Maera to have more time to settle in where she is, to explore more, and give the audience a better view of her inner world in a way that isn't just riddles and phrases. I add chapters, postpone the meeting with the others, and make that one even more significant. Also, I'd like to integrate her glimpses back into the past smoother into the story and not just leave that static.
Also also, I want the atmosphere at the beginning much darker.
This is a good story. I'm looking forward to the rewrite.
Have a cookie.
Good luck! And I am looking forward to your rewrite. This story was quite a little gleaming gem for me. But, have to agree with your points, it got a tad out of hand. And my IQ is questionable at best, so I got lost lol.
I'm excited to see where the rewrite goes, but I'm mainly excited to see what you do with the MC. She has a lot of interesting potential, but I can definitely see why you decided to rewrite; when it came to her development as a character, she kind of ended up in a hole of "Evil goddess that will kill everything with no hope of redemption"
That being said, when you rewrite her I hope you don't fall into the trap of writing her as an edgy, unchanging monster. Sometimes I see people try to write anti-heros as their protagonists and they just end up with a nasty, miserable character who acts solely for psychopathic selfish reasons, because its Cool(TM). The fact that she made mistakes was one of the things I liked about her in the original version; just don't let her mistakes get out of control, like destroying an entire city in a fit of rage.
Not to say your protagonist can't be nasty and miserable; just that she needs to have a proper character arc where she makes mistakes, learns new things from those mistakes, and changes as a person as a result. It's storytelling 101, but something people often forget.
Otherwise you just end up with an evil mary sue, which is just as bad as a regular mary sue.
DM me if you're ever feeling stuck, or need to bounce some ideas off a wall; I'd love to talk about it some more.
Dw, my plan is to make her evil but on a reasonable level where she still can be argued with(I want her at the beginning to be someone who has somewhat given up on herself, like a person with bad depression who thinks nothing will change in life anyway) and make her seals more chaotic as if she has really bad mood swings(she is her own monster that she fails to controll sometimes). I also will explain/tease more things in the early chapters to show a clearer path to why she does what she did. The flashbacks will be better integrated into the story and are not only telling a part of her past but also actively affecting her. The whole beginning of the story is slowed down but seems faster now.
The original goal was that arc 1 is the part of the story where she is ultimately forced to change her ways. Sadly, the path I have built up till now is more like "press as much stuff in there as possible, make her powerful, yet somewhat cool, and so on..." but at one point she simply wasn't anything else as an arrogant being with a rather flat character sometimes(for example, I rly like the Chapter 'Grey' but suddenly she becomes rather dull at the end of 'Ashen Hell'). I have so many ideas but I didn't give them enough room for themselves. I want more time where she is in her Domain and does stuff with her intellect instead of just destroying the Academy. Oh, I still wanna do that, but not like this and with a clearer reason behind it. I still want her to go overboard cause of her emotional state but I don't that to be the reason.
Also, I fixed the plothole part where she simply waits in her temple till it's dark enough to go outside, and then in the guild she suddenly uses invisibility.
So yeah, I'm working on the rewrite but having some personal problems I need to solve first before I can fully go back to writing.
And thank you for your comment! Aaand, I'll surely DM you cause I kinda wanna know what other people think of the changes before I release the chapters for everyone.
@LittleVixen Sounds good! I'm looking forward to it!
I planned her as cold, evil, and clever
Dunno if it's the language thing, but cold and evil are normally not characteristics you want together on a character driving the plot, but it depends on what definitions you're using.
Like, what reason makes them act enough to have a story? Evil precludes justice or anything long-term constructive, cold precludes love, community or revenge, combined they also preclude loyalty and organization... I hear "cold and evil" and I think "D&D Chaotic Neutral" and "amoral hyperactive sociopath" which is fine, but they aren't the type that want to take over the world or complete some long quest saga. There's nothing wrong with a character being "turn up, destroy, get bored, leave", they just don't tend to stay that way if they also have to raise kids, protect minions, build a functional city, etc. So far I'd be happy calling her "morals optional" but she's not cold internally even though she tries to act that way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, what motivation can keep her moving and expending effort if she's supposed to be apathetic and amoral, while also keeping her a character that is enjoyable to see through the eyes of?
I said I wanted her cold and evil, but those seals and her past mostly cause this. Evil is also always something that depends on the side you are on. Her motivation so far, her real one, isn't exposed at one point in this story. There are some hints in there, but so 'cleverly' put that you won't really notice them. And that is one of the problems I want to fix. Her goal seems blurry, but it isn't. She wants to join the System for a reason. I want to redefine some of her goals and why she builds an organization.
I want character growth that makes her cold to her enemies but warm to the ones near her. Right now, she is mostly cold due to some reason and really distant from others. My goal for the end of this Arc was that she is forced to overcome a change and face her real problems. Yet, I lost my way on this path, and her actions became way too random for someone who is supposed to know better.
@LittleVixen
Evil is also always something that depends on the side you are on.
That kind of evil doesn't call itself evil though. As in, the enemy might want to invade my country and slaughter my army but they're not all going "we're totally evil invaders"... if the ones at the top were convinced it was the wrong thing to do it either wouldn't happen or they'd get replaced by people who thought it was right. Evil that calls itself evil doesn't have a side, it just has priorities for who gets targetted and who not to upset. I assumed the reason she wants into the System is to gain information and control, much like everything else she's done so far... on who or what is the mystery question.
I kind of got the impression she was initial operating as "eh, this is my creature" and "this could be a useful minion" but then started towards "huh, I have pets, guess I should care about them", which is what I guess you were hoping for? Having spent so long closed off I can forgive her being a bit random and inconsistent, no matter how old or clever she's supposed to be.
@kaithar
I kind of got the impression she was initial operating as "eh, this is my creature" and "this could be a useful minion" but then started towards "huh, I have pets, guess I should care about them", which is what I guess you were hoping for?
Kind of. She clearly thinks of most creatures in this world as a of way to fulfil her true goal. Not because she is pure evil; she just doesn't really care, because as long as she doesn't destroy the souls, they still live and are not dead in the first—at least from her viewpoint. She lost herself, and the growth I want her to have is to care again. She ring she has on her finger is proof that she isn't ready to truly face her past and loss.
Having spent so long closed off I can forgive her being a bit random and inconsistent, no matter how old or clever she's supposed to be.
Yes, being enclosed for such a long time, makes you different. Those inconsistencies that were related to this were on purpose.
@LittleVixen yeah, I think that's more her being on a significantly higher power level than being evil... she doesn't view humans differently than any other mortal by the sound of it. Guess pets is indeed appropriate
@kaithar I mean, she was digitized once and lost most of her human self and is now a being akin to a god of a totally unknown race. So yeah, the term 'pets' is quite suitable for now. But even pets can bite :3
I want her to be like, "my pets" and then later "no, even they can be more than just being that"
@LittleVixen sounds like it'll be good