Chapter 3 - II -

 

I went to the palace’s kitchen to help with Her Holiness’ lunch.  The maids assigned to that section of the household had just finished doing their job and were preparing the fancy designs for the Saint’s plate, as well as for her visitors.

 

“Oh look, there’s the lust demon.” I heard someone whispered the moment I arrived in the kitchen.

 

“Err…the Head Maid has ordered me to bring Her Holiness’ lunch to the courtyard.” I tried to ignore the hostile looks and sharp comments, but the urge to hit their heads was getting strong.

 

“Well, if you’re eager to do our work as always, we’ll let you be.” It’s the head of the kitchen maids; she always had this scowl on her face every time she talked to me, “Just don’t touch Her Holiness’ utensils, or she might get p-p-p-p-”

 

“P-?”  This maid wasn’t making any sense.

 

“Or she might get sullied.”  I know she was about to say another word, but whatever; as long as I could understand her, I’ll stay silent.

 

“I’ll just get the patrons’ portion.” I approached the patrons’ plates were, but then…

 

“!!!”

 

Someone tripped me, and I fell forward and face-down on the food.  The maids laughed mockingly.

 

Or so they think.

 

“What?” Everyone got dumbfounded when they saw me do the ‘Moonwalk’.  

 

Hah!  Look at these servants’ dumb faces!  I bet they didn’t even see that coming.  Oh, and hey!  I guess this could go down in Chersea’s history as the first ‘Moonwalk’ in this world!  I could get famous here!

 

Thank you, Michael Jackson.

 

 

Going from the kitchen to the courtyard was a bit of a long trip.  To reach that place, I needed to pass through a winding maze of well-tended shrubs and fountains.  Of course, the plants and water itself pose no threat.  However…

 

“…”

 

I’m getting the feeling that those idiots from the kitchen hid the food cart and were planning to ambush me as I manually carry the patrons’ food to the courtyard.  I mean, look—or imagine—this setting.  This was like Vietnam, where you suddenly hear the trees and shrubs speak Vietnamese for a moment, then a hail of bullets and explosions would follow a second after.

 

Only this time, I might get a hail of flying leaves and droplets of water.  If those fell into the food, it would get contaminated.

 

But of course, I knew their plans.  It’s as clear as the day!  

 

And I prepared proper counter-measures.

 

“!!!”

 

I cautiously stepped into the warzone.  Watching my every move, tracking every moving branch, making sure that it was clear with every turn I made.  

 

Duck for cover, if you must.

 

Give them hell if you want to survive.

 

Peel your eyes open, if you want to prevail.

 

In Vietnam, as I remember from the movies I watched, the enemy was everywhere.  And the moment you let your guard down was the moment you die.  Of course, a proper Vietnam War theme song should go with it.

 

“Humhumhumhum…mmm…paint it black…”

 

 

***Meanwhile, in the courtyard***

 

The Saint had just finished entertaining her visitors and was expecting the lunch to be served.  Her patrons had already taken their seats, with some were resting, while others had taken the break to marvel at the opulence of the Holy Palatial Gardens.  Some of the kitchen staff had already arrived with some of the food and served the guests.

 

“Mom, look!” a child of one patron called out to her mother and pointed at something towards the garden maze.

 

“…”

 

Everyone looked in the direction the child showed.  It was Her Holiness who broke the deafening silence of her shocked visitors…

 

“What is that idiot doing?”

 

 

**Kuro**

 

It’s been a while since I took a proper beating on the head.

 

“…”

 

Well, I made myself looked like a moron back at the courtyard, doing those Vietnam War stunts…in the presence of the entire delegation of human and elvish patrons of Her Holiness.  

 

It is really stupid!

 

And I guess the Saint got embarrassed too.  She sent a book flying towards my head and hit it fair and square.  After that, the Head Maid told me to cool-off somewhere inside the Holy Chambers.

 

“…”

 

Anyway, now that I entered this place again, I remembered how powerful and important Her Holiness was in this world.  This palace is proof of her greatness, indeed.  

 

Just look at those velvety carpets lying on the floor; those intricate designs were something.  The lacquered side tables dotted the halls and corridors of the building; on the top were expensive-looking vases filled with strange flowers of different variety.  The tall, stained glass windows were letting in the light from the outside in its vividly colorful form.  They even lined the bright white walls of the palace with golden borders.

 

“…”

 

Fascinated by the opulence of the Saint’s house, I kept on walking down the long hallways and turning left or right whenever I wish.  The sheer size of this residence wouldn’t bore me for a while, so I’ll just wander around in the meantime.

 

“!!!”

 

My train of thoughts got interrupted when I heard a loud crash.  Quickly turning on a blind corner where the sound came, I saw a broken vase on the floor.  It was suspicious, so my eyes went around to look for the culprit.  After all, there’s no way the wind could knock that vase down since it’s quite heavy.

 

“Hello?” I called the person out.

 

No answer.

 

Then I tried again, “Anyone here?”

 

A moment of silence.  Then I heard light footsteps in another corner of the hallway.  I followed the sounds.  The moment I reached the blind turn, I almost jumped in surprise.

 

Someone else is here.

 

“WHOA!”  We both blurted out.  The other guy quickly drew a dagger and pointed it at me.

 

“Don’t say a word.” he threatened, his eyes glared as if he’s willing to kill, “Who are you?”

 

“Isn’t it I’m the one who should ask that?”

 

“Silence and just raise your hand.”

 

I did what he said, “Look, I have nothing in me that is of value to you.”

 

“Nah, I need nothing from you.” he explained while pushing the blade of his dagger on my side, “It’s just that you’re unlucky to have seen me.”

 

“Hm?  Come on man, I won’t interfere with what you’re doing.” my voice was pleading, “So can you please put away your knife?”

 

“Heh, that won’t do kid.” the man grinned, “At least, be useful and help me sneak into the Saint’s room.”

 

Huh?  I gave him the blank stare as my memories of the murderous maids floated back in my mind, “Err…what do you want from that place?  Do you intend to die, or something?”

 

The suspicious man stared at me with an ‘I-can’t-believe-you’re-asking-me-that,’ face before he spoke, “I know you also sneaked in here, kid; this place is a well-known all-female enclave.  And you also don’t wear any holy garments.  Don’t act innocent—you and I have the same goals here.”

 

“What?  Don’t lump me with you!” I protested; but he’s right, I didn’t have any holy garments with me.  I’m still wearing my old ‘Earth clothes,’ “I am just wandering around and admiring the place.  It’s my first time to come back here since the Saint brought me into her room.”

 

“You what?” the man’s eyes nearly popped out from their sockets, “The Saint brought you into her room?”

 

“Y-yeah?” I was about to explain how Her Holiness brought me in, but the man won’t listen.  I guess I’ve struck a few strings.  Oh boy, looks like I know where this is heading… “But I don’t know my way back to her place.  I mean, this palace is too big, after all.”

 

The man pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, waving it before me, “This is where this map comes in, boy.  I don’t need your directions; I just want a lookout.”

 

“A lookout?” a sudden chill went through my spine, “Are you a criminal of sorts?”

 

“Look here, amateur.” the suspicious guy frowned and sighed, “If you don’t call trespassing and threatening a stranger at a knifepoint a criminal act, I don’t know what else to call it.”

 

Damn…first, getting chased by murderous maids.  Then being attacked inside my room.  And now I got involved in some shady person’s business.  

 

Is there an end to my bad luck?

 

“Okay kid.” the man sheathed his weapon, “Since we’re kindred spirits here—trespassers, in particular, why don’t we join our forces together?  You can be the lookout while I enter Her Holiness’ room.”

 

This is getting out of hand.  I better put an end to this; if only there’s a guard or a maid who’d pass by.  I had to stall this shady guy.  

 

“What do you want from the Saint?” my mind was racing for questions to ask; it’s the best I could do for now.

 

“Don’t make me go in circles, kid!” he was tapping his feet and getting restless, “Are you a man?  What else do we sneak here other than to steal Her Holiness’ panties?”

 

I think my ears are defective.  I’m hearing stupid things again.

 

 

Panties.  Underwear.

 

Ever since its invention, it had permeated the erotic fantasies of men.  If I remembered, there’s even a country back on Earth where there was a market for a fresh school girl’s underwear.

 

“…”

 

Uh, make that a freshly removed school girl’s underwear.  Complete with the authentic scent from that girl’s nether regions.

 

Disgusting.

 

Even I am a man, I still got my sanity and common sense.  Perversion flowed in my veins; it’s in my blood, but I made sure it stayed in its proper place.  I believed it’s what separates the ‘gentlemen’ from rabid perverts.

 

And speaking of perverts, it seems like even other worlds have them.

 

“Hey kid.” the perverted thief’s raspy voice brought me back to reality, “So what do you say?  Do you know how valuable Her Holiness’ panties if we sell it to the highest bidder?  You’ll be forever rich and I’ll become a legend if we’re successful!”

 

So, it goes to bidding, huh?  Well, I’m not that surprised.  Even on Earth, some people will burn their preciously earned money just for the sake of a tiny piece of cloth.

 

“They even say that Her Holiness’ panties have an aphrodisiac effect,” he added.

 

That is stupid.  

 

I could only shake my head, “Sorry man, I don’t think we can be friends.”

 

“So you’re refusing to help me?” I noticed his hand was about to reach for his weapon.  I knew what’s bound to happen next, so I wasted no time.  I immediately lunged and went for his arm to immobilize him.

 

“!!!” the man kicked my stomach, and I almost lost the air in my lungs.  My mind was in chaos; I couldn’t think of anything else, save for keeping his hands off his dagger.  In the ensuing struggle, we eventually fell on the floor.

 

Desperate, I shouted with all my might, hoping to attract someone’s attention, “Help!  There’s a thief in here!”

 

“Oh, no you don’t!” the man began throwing punches on my head to stop me.  I kept on shouting and tried to fight back.  Our struggle lasted for quite a while.  However, that pervert eventually got the upper hand.  

 

Heck, being hit on the face repeatedly can sap your strength the longer the fight ensues.

 

“Haa…haa…” Bruised and battered, I tried to gasp for air.

 

The thief then stood up and, seeing that I couldn’t move anymore, grabbed his knife.

 

Haha…I guess if this was a light novel, the most fitting title would be: ‘I Got Summoned to Another World and a Panty Thief Killed Me’.  

 

Pretty appropriate, huh?

 

The thief then swung his dagger and was about to plant it on my neck when a powerful gust of wind blew and hit my would-be killer.  He dropped his knife, and the next thing I knew, a bunch of armor-clad girls ganged him up.  

 

The guards finally come!

 

“You sure created another mess here, Kuro,” a familiar voice came beside me; it’s the Saint, “You always give me a proper entertainment.”

 

And so ends the ‘Panty Thief Incident’.

 

Or so I think…