LittleVixen

CW:

Spoiler

Depression. Discrimination.

[collapse]

------

And another warning: please please look at the tags and the content warning! This story is depressing at the beginning. If you're not fit for it, for your own sake, don't read it, or wait till later chapters, where the atmosphere is much lighter.

Spoiler

After Chapter 7

[collapse]

I woke up to the sound of my alarm app, or so I thought. After pushing the notification away several times, I wondered why it didn't stop ringing. It turns out that the blaring noise was caused by my boss's calls. Annoyed, I answered the phone. What on earth does he want at this hour? It's not even seven in the morning!

So, slightly irritated, I took the call, "Yes?"

"About time you answered," my boss replied brusquely.

"I don't have a shift, nor should there be anything this morning where my help would be needed. So your reaction is totally uncalled for!" I took a deep breath and tried to relax. "But yes, good morning, boss. What good deed can I do for you today?"

"It's about your shifts; they've been put on hold for now until further notice."

All at once, I was wide awake. "What, why? Did the event get canceled, or what?"

"No," came back the answer coolly. 

"Then why?!" I asked. 

"There have been a few organizers and colleagues complaining about you and your behavior. And since you're working almost everywhere, it didn't reflect well on the company. So I had a choice. Put you on the bench, or piss off countless clients and risk orders."

I was perplexed. Why would our customers complain, and what 'employees' were he talking about? To my knowledge, I actually got along well with everyone; at least I didn't have a fight or anything with anyone. 

"And on what grounds?" I questioned, somewhat annoyed.

"Well, they think that your behavior is completely inappropriate and harms others, as well as shows the respective organizers in a bad light."

Even more irritated, I inquired further, "And what kind of bEhAvIoR?! I don't recall behaving unprofessionally or offending anyone in any way."

I heard a sigh on the other end of the line. Excuse-moi, WTF?? What gives him the right to act up now when he can't even explain to me clearly and concisely exactly what the problem is now.

"So?" I hissed.

"Very well, I was going to spare you the details, but if you really want to hear them. You being 'trans' bothers people. And by that, I don't mean being trans; rather, I mean you pretending to be one of them. Do you even know what this does to people who suffer for real? The damage you do by playing them? What effect do you think it has on those around you? At first, I believed you, but absolutely nothing has changed after two years! The way you speak, your stature, your appearance, the way you move and behave. Do you really think this is all a joke? The hosts have already had to listen to a ridiculous amount of complaints from their guests! And that you even have the guts to act up now shows what kind of person you really are! You know what, you don't need to ask for any more work. I have had to put up with your discrimination long enough. I'll send you your resignation today. Goodbye!"

Dö-Dö-Dö-Dö

Hung up...

Dö-Dö-Dö-Dö

The call ended without me being able to say anything...

Dö-Dö-Dö-Dö

Only the sound that a conversation had just taken place remains. As if conditioned, I'm reminded of the feeling of my ever-repeating collapsing life and of having done something wrong without being guilty again.

I didn't know how to react. I lost the job that was funding everything—food, medicine, rent, college, and the monthly dues to pay off my loan in less than five minutes. How am I supposed to cope up with all this without a job? Yes, of course, I had money saved up. If things got tough, I wouldn't lose my footing right away, but my savings will only last for a few months at most. And as a student, it was horribly challenging to find a job, especially if you didn't fit the norm. In addition, one needed a job reference...after what I had just been told, it would probably turn out more than bad.

My mind was just racing. I just couldn't figure out how people came to that conclusion. It doesn't make any sense at all. Do I, because I see myself as a girl, feel and know that I've always been one, also have to act upon the norm which the world has so easily bred into existence. I mean, I would love to live up to some of those stereotypes. Still, all you had to do was look at me, and you could guess that even if my HRT had gone the way it was supposed to, hardly any of what is 'expected' would have been possible. I can't help the way I look...sigh, after all, it's only ever-important how or what a person looks on the outside. Do you have to look like everyone else for your innermost self to be accepted, even if they absolutely don't go d'accord?

And what the hell my asshole of an ex-boss meant with 'inappropriate behavior'?! I always try to be friendly and polite and never maltreat anyone, as long as it was not their own fault, and even then, I still try to turn a blind eye. After all, everyone can have a hard time or a bad day. 

I never discriminate against anyone and made sure that my colleagues did the same during work time. My behavior was professional and caring. Even though I was strict when I had to be, it was, by all means, never inappropriate in any case. I only remember praise and how good my work was.

I shake my head, stunned at how everybody perceives things so drastically different. They hold out a rose but have knives hidden behind their backs, ready to ruin everything.

Do people really see me like this? Isn't it enough that I am the person who I am and want to be?

I had to suppress the tears that were already starting to fall again. If I start crying right here and now, I can't tell what would happen next. Falling asleep crying every night was already exhausting enough; I absolutely don't want it as a waking-up routine too. It would only destroy me further...not that there's much left anyways. 

So I had to use the method I'd been refining my whole life—suppress everything, lock it into a dark room, and throw away the key.

Sometimes, feeling hollow is simply pleasanter than feeling anything at all. This way, I made sure that nothing stupid would happen, even with my self-destructive thoughts. But, as you can see, brought absolutely nothing. It was really just a back and forth. I just don't know any better... can't know better. How could I? Everbody with whom I tried to create a certain level of intimacy turned their back on me after a short time. I'd never known why.

What really happened in my point of view and apparently happened in theirs contradicted each other completely. It's like I live in a disconnected world that reflects me to the outside world like the monster in my mirror.

I shook my head. All these thoughts leading me nowhere; they never did. Maybe college would hold something pleasant for me today, after all, so I can take my mind off any problem for a while. At least for a little bit...and if not, well, there's always the good old Plan B; maybe it will work this time.

I grabbed my bathrobe and hair towel and headed to the bathroom. It's hard not to look in the mirror when it's hanging right in the middle of the room, precisely opposite the door. I should have thrown it away when I moved in. Back then, I still hoped that my image would change, and thus the hatred I felt toward this object would fade as I progressed. Instead, it only made things worse.

After I showered, dried myself off, and got dressed, I packed my items for the university. Even though today's classes aren't really my favorites, they were still inspiring from time to time. Especially the lecture about fantasy, the origins of the incomprehensible, the magical, mostly met my taste...if it wasn't about the bland wisdom of long-dead persons.

Though the doctor had told me to stop taking the medication right away, his words fell on deaf ears. I swallowed the tablet and spread the Estra-Gel on my forearms. Even if it kills me, life without it would be entirely pointless—what reason would I have to continue at all? Why search for the meaning of life willingly if you already know that you can never achieve it.

I tore myself away from these depressing thoughts, opened the front door, locked it behind me, and walked to the tram station.

"Please, don't let this day get worse."

How naive...

LittleVixen

Thanks for reading!

Spoiler

The atmosphere will become lighter in a few chapters, so prepare for future fluff.

[collapse]

I will try to come up with a schedule. For now, I'll wanna release two chapters a week.

Be prepared!