James could feel the mans grip around his arm loosen slightly as they swayed to the side. He wasn't quite sure what to make of the guy, like some sort of Wacky waving inflatable fucking tube man the guy just couldn't stay still if it killed him. 

His train of thought was interrupted as the man once again reaffirmed his grip on James' arm. 

"Alrighty here's the fucking deal. We fucked up... well. Someone did, And it wasn't fucking me that's for sure." 

The man finally let go of James as they fell back onto a chair that appeared out of nowhere, yet felt like it was always there to begin with... 

"But I fucking owe the bitch a favor, or two, or three.... Fucking I don't know, but the bitch fucked up and now ye're here." 

Finally having the time to take stock James glanced around, hoping to figure out where the fuck he was. Everything was coming too fast and he could hardly get a word in edgewise as the guy in front of him was machine gunning him with nonsense at an increasing rate. 

He was standing... floating? in a pure white void, nothing as far as the eye could see but a drunkard sitting on what looked like a bar stool.. 

"Wait hold on the fuck you just say? God? mistake? Am I dead?" 

An idea finally hit James as cold sweat coated his back.

Those fucking frat boy bitches actually had the cock sucking balls!

"O sure fuck ya think a God can just hop on down to yar local fucking pub for a cold one ta shoot the shit with a fat fucking waste like you? Shit if I could I fucking would but that ain't how shit works round here."

James just stared at the guy... in all his life he'd never met anyone with a mouth on them that could match his yet here this guy was spitting slurs like balls from a pitching machine. Not exactly the most creative sorts but you could bury a man in sand just as well as rubble.

The drunkard tossed his bottle to James before pulling another from thin air, as James clumsely tried catching it he found himself straining a bit. The weight of the bottle in his hand was shocking to say the least; it felt like he was holding an entire ocean. Looking into the bottle his jaw dropped as rolling waves and a lone ship; probably a Galleon, could be seen sailing across open waters. 

"We've wasted enough time so listen closely chuckle fuck. Ye're fucking dead but that doesn't mean ye're, well, DEAD" 

The man made exaggerated air quotes near the end before continuing, not giving James a chance to interject. 

"So here's the shit, ya were supposed to be reincarnated as a fucking Chicken, fucking poetic justice n all that shit or what not. But my lazy ass bitch of a wife fell asleep on the job. Can't fucking blame her, bitches been working non-stop for the last ten thousand+ years and we all knew she needed a break. But them other lazy sacks'uh shit never fucking volunteer to do the work. And I ain't exactly the right type to be making judgments n all that shit. Though I'd fucking love to have a go at those SJW entitled little pussies, make'em fucking work horses n mules n shit HAHAHAHA!" 

James was having a progressively harder time keeping up with the situation. On one hand, maybe that little shit cracked his skull and this was all some fucked up delusion, while on the other hand he was pretty sure he'd know the difference between that and standing naked in front of a boisterous drunkard. 

"Wait!"

James took the chance while the man was laughing to himself to cut in. 

"You have a wife? and the fuck! a chicken? I'm pretty sure I gave to the poor and all that crap whenever I could, I don't think I've ever fucking done anything worth that kind of shit life! Why not a T-Rex or a god damn Golden eagle. At least make me a Raptor people can fucking respect!"

The man's laughter stopped abruptly as his eyes bore holes in James' skull. 

"Well ain't we a fucking brave one we got here. Yeah I have a wife! Fucking most beautiful bitch that ever existed she is and Fuck! we don't have any more time! Fuck, Shit! I'd fucking rip ya a new one if shit didn't just hit the fan harder so fucking listen fatty. 

Ye have two fucking Options. 

Option 1: I fucking wipe yer mind and ya end up all Cthulhu-zahagan king in yellow wandering across the fucking multiverse as a mindless entity, until ye touch on some backwater world somewhere that hopefully won't break when ya try to enter it in search of a living body to inhabit. 

Honestly this option fucking sucks but hell at least ya get all that good chaos knowledge n shit expanding that tiny ass brain of yers. 

Option 2: I send ya off as my fucking errand boy all fuckin messenger of god n shit and you keep yer mind from smearing itself across the cosmos like a bug on a speeding bus's windshield.

No there is no third option, so fuckin make yer choice cause we got about 10 seconds before fucking shit gets extra biblical up in here and I gotta throw fisticuffs with that fucking word salad that is the law. 

10... 9..."

James was starting to panic, and who could blame him. One moment he was wallowing in self pity, booze and getting his shit kicked in by a bunch of shitty frat boys, and the next this fucker is telling him to basically choose to become his bitch or get his brains smeared across reality to become a topic for some racists wet dreams. 

"7...6..."

While he felt he'd enjoy watching this guy get his shit kicked in by this big daddy law man thing, he was also pretty sure being stretched like taffy wasn't good for his mental state.

Wait... didn't he say he'd wipe my mind?

"What do you mean you'd wipe my mind if I say no?"

"4...3..."

James could feel the space around them starting to shake and the man for the first time since James got here took what looked like a serious posture.... at least.. the best they could muster.

Suddenly a sound like a thousand sheets of metal being ripped apart rolled through the white space, accompanied by a voice that made James feel like someone was slathering a mulched Carolina Reaper all over his grey matter. 

"к̸̹̪͕̣͙̏̋̅͌͋͝͝ค̵̹̭̭̖̐͐̄̕͝չ̴̡̪̞̺̣͕̱͇̍͐͂̑̄̎̚เ̶͔͆͋͑̆͐̓̅͘ค̷̢̟̮̰͖̒̾̑̽̿͛̏̊̕͠๓̶̧̧̙̜̩̍̑͗̄̑́͌͝͝͝,̴̢͈̗͔̟́͜ ̴̡̛̪̭̠̥̬̬̭̝̂̈̓̃̎̈́͠ץ̵̛͓͈̪̘͌͛̋๏̶̣̖̜̳͍̺̰̈́͂͆͆̍̑̎͜͝ย̵̮̳̤͍̹̟̺͕̀̿̎͒ ̷̢͙̲͖̘̗͇̂̿̿́̌̚ͅ๔̶̨͓̅ͅค̸̢̙̣̤͙͍͍̫͐̑͒̂̏͋г̶̢̖̩̣̥̙̪̩̐́̿̄̀є̸̱͓̳͖̺̘̫̭̑̔̾͊̌͘͜͜ ̶̺̇̆̃̋͂̃̽͜๔̵̣̳̹̌̎̾̋̃̈́̍̈เ̵̭̈̽̇̊̓̒̚͘ร̴̡͔͓̰̐̄̐̔̆̓̐̎͠г̷̻̮̹͋͛͂ย̷̺̔͂̕ק̴̨̢̳̰̥̟̘̓̈́̿̐́̐͌̍͐͝Շ̵̻̪̣͍͕̖̭̹͚͈̿͆͑͛̀͗ ̷̡̦̭̝͈̰̼̝͉̽̈͋͊̕͜Շ̴̨̘͔̠̟̳̬̒̇ђ̷̛̩̠̜̼̝͍̓̈́̓̾͗͑̋ͅє̴̨̛̛̛̖͇͕͚̟̙̺̻͆̔̂̾̌̃̈́ͅ ̵̨̟̳̹̹̮̮̘̜͊́̕ภ̴̨̮̫̖̹͉̟͐̑̊ค̸̡̟͚̻͈̖͙͆̊̔͆Շ̵̖͊͘ย̷̻̼͓̤͌г̸̛̼̦̦̭̘̱̰̈́͑͛̾̈̑͝ค̷̢̢̻͉̰̺̳͓͉̔̄͛̅̋̄͌̉̑̕ɭ̷̢̼͔̮̯̌̀̽̽͠ ̸̢̯̺̞̝̠̓̓͛๏̸̳̮͕̋̀͂͒͋͑͠͠г̶̛̭̥̩̼͕̃̐͌๔̶̧̺͓̃͝є̶̢̹̺͎̫͈̻̟͉̼̈̏͘г̴̨̛̹͔̟̫͓̗̩̝̀!̷͖̪̼͉̭̫̠̱̦̂͛̀̀́̋̑͐̉̚"

"Fuck it, let's do this! Option 2!"

"2...1"

The Jack sparrow wannabe smiled as the world around them started to crumble like a sugar glass house in a hurricane, when everything suddenly stopped, crystalline debris and lights all around hung in the air like a scene in a paused movie.

Before James could really appreciate the scene gravity seemed to have woken up from its nap, as James found himself falling like a meteor towards something bright in the distance. The broken white shards of the space he was just in now gone as inky blackness could be seen all around, with tiny motes of light flashing by. A few of the more sporadic motes found their way directly in James' path of decent, with each collision feeling as if bullets were ripping their way through him.

Before he could get a grip on his fracturing self James slammed into his destination with all the force one would expect from an orbital strike.