Ram

 

It was an ugly cat.

There was an ugly, black cat around the playground near the orphanage when I was young. I once had food that I didn’t like so I gave it to the cat. After that, it always followed me and meowed whenever I passed by it on the way back to the orphanage from school.

Every day, it would be perched on the same spot as though it waited for me. I never gave it food again but it never left me until much later.

That first day I went home without it, I felt greatly relieved. But the next few days, it kept on bothering me. On the fourth day without it, I began to worry. I searched for the ugly cat everywhere and even asked around the adults if they’ve possibly seen it.

It was Fred who found them then. He wasn’t an orphan but he was overly friendly with us. I didn’t like him then. I didn’t like most people then. That probably never changed.

The ugly cat has apparently been pregnant and have given birth to a litter of five kittens in a box behind some waste bins. Fred told me that cats were highly protective when they just gave birth so he told me not to get near them yet.

For the next week, I ended up visiting them every week and giving them the food that I intentionally set aside from my lunch just for them. Over time, the ugly cat wasn’t so guarded anymore that I could even hold the kittens.

That moment, I felt an inexplicable happiness. The ugly cat trusted me with her treasures. It felt nice being trusted. I thought then that maybe I should try trusting other people too. I began being nicer to Fred. He wasn’t so bad after all, and he was even a little funny.

The next day, a girl in my class told us about their cat who has given birth too. They were going to sell the kittens for more money than we knew how to comprehend way back then. It had a lot of zeroes on it when she wrote it down. I thought that I could do the same with the ugly cat’s kittens and get so rich that I could even leave the orphanage and start living on my own.

So I proudly said that I had a cat who just gave birth to kittens too. It was the first time I have spoken out loud in school. My heart was beating so fast at the attention the other kids gave me. Not to mention I was excited at the possibilities of fortune from that ugly cat. Thankfully, her children were cuter than her and no one took after her unlucky color so it would definitely work out.

They started asking me a lot of questions about the cat and I felt smug answering them. After a while, the same girl who bragged asked me if the cat looked like the one in the picture she had with her. I told her that they did look similar but the ugly cat was a different color. She started laughing at me then and the others joined her soon as they passed the photo around.

“Idiot, that’s a stray cat. Nobody wants to buy stray cats.” She told me and the others agreed. My face felt extremely hot.

I didn’t know what I felt at that moment. Maybe it was embarrassment, or anger at them, or disgust at myself. It also felt like I was betrayed too, by that stupid ugly cat. We were only on a short snack break but I ran away from school as fast as I can after that. It was the first time I cut from classes. I didn’t want to go home to the orphanage either because I was sure they’d just make me go back. And so I decided to wander around.

It began to rain not too long so I escaped to the playground and hid inside the top of the slide that had a roof over it. I boiled with so many emotions that my young body could not yet cope with so it tired me out right away.

I fell asleep and when I woke up, it was already dark. I realized at once that I was in trouble so I ran back to the orphanage where I ended up with an earful from the adults who scolded me about running away from school and being home so late. They never bothered to even ask and listen to me so I didn’t listen to them either.

Dinner was way past done and there were no leftovers in a place that had so many children. Fred called out to me from the room I shared with other children and we went to sit on the swings on the playground. He gave me some bread and we ate it together that cold night.

“How are the kittens?” He asked me.

“Don’t know, I’m not their mother.”

“Is that so?” He remarked and I simply nodded. I swore to never go near that ugly cat and her ugly children ever again.

 

The next day, I had to go to school again even though I didn’t want to.

“How are your dirty stray cats now?”

“Don’t know, I’m not their mother.” I said again.

“Well, sooner or later they’ll probably be found and killed.”

“What?” I didn’t catch myself fast enough.

“Well, they’re strays after all. Strays should just be killed.”

Even though I wanted to bolt then and there, I already got in trouble just yesterday. I couldn’t risk running away two days in a row. I patiently waited for teacher to dismiss us. Time seemed to be extra slower that day, as if it was aware I wanted it to go faster so it decided to do the exact opposite.

When school ended, I walked the same path as I always did. It was only there that I remembered there that I shouldn’t care after all. So I went back to the orphanage without incident.

That night, it rained again. I haven’t seen the cat and the kittens for the past two days that it made me anxious. Combined with the fact that I kept forcing myself to not care only heightened the heavy weight in my chest. Unable to deal with it, I went to them in the end.

The rain has relaxed to a drizzle but I couldn’t find them in their usual spot. Their box has lost its shape and was completely drenched from the past rains. I was about to look for them when I heard the familiar meow that haunted me during my walks just weeks ago.

I found the ugly cat under a nearby streetlight. Her kittens were with her and they stayed perfectly dry in a broken little cabinet someone discarded.

“You’re a stray, did you know that?” I began to talk to the ugly cat as it looked at me while its babies slept so peacefully. “That means you’re unwanted. That means no one wants you.”

“So why, why would you give birth to more unwanted kittens like you? No one wants any of you.” I said as calmly as I could but my voice shook and I cried.

They were unwanted like me, so why did we exist?

People only wanted cats with fancy name breeds and exotic faces. People only wanted to look and talk to children who had parents and names given to them by their parents.

I reached out to one of the kittens and the ugly cat let me. It was so tiny and wriggled in my hands. I felt its body as it breathed in and out. My hands were still so small that time but I knew it didn’t take much to kill that kitten. I held its neck tighter and it started squirming more in my hands. There was no other soul around who could stop me. It was so silent. I felt the rain’s water as it dropped on my skin but I did not hear a thing.

I could do it. I could take the unwelcomed kitten’s life away and set it free.

But I couldn’t.

I let my hold go.

All at once, the sounds of the world came back and the kitten in my hands relaxed. The ugly cat looked at me and it felt as though it saw all the way inside my mind and my thoughts. But it didn’t stop me. Did it not think I could kill its child?

I placed the kitten back on her side and I continued to cry.

It felt pathetic but I didn’t know else what to do about the pain in my chest.

The rain has gotten stronger again and under its drowning noise I let myself wail. No one would be able to complain about me being loud now.

I sobbed and sobbed and I felt that the ugly cat just looked on. As I cried, I began to wish that I didn’t want to be unwanted anymore. I begged whoever listened that night.

 

 

*****

 

 

Ram was silent the whole walk back. Ara did not know what words she could say so she kept quiet too.

“Don’t you have anything to say? Any questions?” Ram asked her on the bus. There were no other seats left so they sat together at a two-seater at the end of the bus. Ara shook her head which Ram saw from the reflection on the window glass.

Ram rested his head on the window and closed his eyes. He didn’t know why he started to remember that ugly cat. Maybe it was because that cat was the reason why he decided to trust Fred. It has been years since he left the orphanage and saw that cat. He wondered if it was still alive. It must have been more than a decade old. It was probably dead.

“It was Fred who dreamed of being a musician.” Ram began to spoke though he kept his eyes closed. Ara must be listening.  “His family didn’t approve so he moved out and supported himself by playing piano for the church nearby. The pay wasn’t anything special as you can imagine, but they were able to provide him food and a roof over his head.”

Ram wasn’t sure why he started talking about Fred. Maybe because someone ought to heard about his story.

“I didn’t like him and much of the adults, but he asked me one day if I could play an instrument. Of course, I was an orphan so I didn’t know anything about that. But maybe because he annoyed me, I said yes. He placed a guitar in my hands and said we should play together. I strummed it fast and without reason, and he laughed. Then he said ‘good, good, now let’s play.’ He played a song on the piano and taught me the chords so I could play along with him.

“I found it a lot more fun to spend time with him playing the guitar, so I ended up learning more from him and on my own too. He told me about his dream randomly one day, much like how he was today. He said, ‘I’ll play for bigger audiences with my own music someday.’ He then asked me if I wanted to join him too. We could be a piano and guitar duo, there were lots of those out in the world too, so we’d have to persist. I was fine with that and agreed. If there was a future I could choose for an orphan like myself, I had to take it.

“But then, more than a year ago, he had a stroke. He was like a different person after that. He reminded me of my younger self, I knew that was anger in his eyes. I was mad myself. The guy had a family, a dream and a whole future for himself, so why?”

Fred was the first person whom Ram thought must be what a family was like. He was nearly taken away from him once, and now he really had to leave. There was no one else he would have now. He was back to square one, to the same child who nearly killed a kitten and thought he was doing it a favor.

 

***

 

The weekends passed swiftly after that and Ram decided to go to school during mornings as well. He regretted it immediately as he was forced to sit in with Dominic, Reo and Vince. So he aimed to go a little later the next day.

He entered the classroom and nearly bumped into Ara.

“Ram.” She looked surprised to see him. He could understand since it was the first time he went to school early for two days in a row. “Good morning.” She greeted him with that same, sickeningly welcoming smile. He ignored her and headed straight for his seat.

He didn’t listen during the first period and it was getting too chilly for his taste so before the teacher for the second period came, he left the classroom.

He went all the way up the stairs until he came to a chained door. He has broken the lock some years ago so he easily opened it and came out into the school’s topmost open floor. He laid down by a wall and closed his eyes.

“Ram, are you here?” A girl’s voice called out.

He opened one eye to peek and saw that it was Ara. She stood by the door both with certainty and not. She looked unsure of what she was doing but seemed determined to find him. He paid her no heed and continued to close his eyes.

“Ram, what do you want to do?”

He heard her footsteps approached her. So her eyes weren’t useless and found him after all. He peeked again as she sat down in front of him. Her eyes were focused on him, so much so as if it saw nothing else but him. He didn’t like the attention.

“What do you mean? Nothing. There’s nothing I want to do.” He closed his eyes again and hoped that she’ll go away.

“Do you not want to see Mr. Fred after all?”

The name immediately made his blood boil that she mentioned him so easily. But he tried to keep himself under control.

“I mean, it’s also good that you’re honoring his request by being here and going to school so early.” Ara’s voice was gentle. “But, is that what you really want to do?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“I guess you’re right.” She said. She was silent for a while. Ram wondered if she had given up.

“Now that you get it, can you leave me alone?”

“I have a brother who died when I was young. Everyone didn’t want him to die. Even though it’s been years, I think I still want to see him.”

“What’s that have to do with me?”

“I thought that, your eyes, they looked like they wanted to see Mr. Fred one last time before he leaves today.”

He has been playing a little more intensely during their last few practices. Maybe she misunderstood that as wanting to see Fred. The truth he told himself was that he played like that so he could focus on nothing else.

“He’s not dying.”

“But he’s not going to be there at the orphanage anymore.”

His eyes opened and he saw her eyes were glassy and ready to burst with tears anytime. He immediately looked away and stood up. Crying was contagious after all. Fred taught him that.

“But he told me not to see him off and go to school.”

“But you’re not in class anyway.” She easily countered. He clenched and unclenched his fist.

“How do we even go to the airport?”

“I could call Mr. Pops, he told me to contact him if I needed his help.”

“You’re calling Dominic’s driver?” He said but she has already put her phone to her ear. She had a brief call with Mr. Pops.

“He says he’s gonna be here soon, let’s go.” She walked back to the door and Ram reluctantly followed her. They walked down the stairs and was about to reach their year’s floor when they nearly bumped into their second-period teacher who was just about to go in their class.

Ara grabbed his arm and dragged him down to hide right at the point where the staircase turned into a corner. They waited for the sound of a door closing before they made their way down again more carefully this time.

Soon, they made it out of the building and beyond the walls of the school. The familiar car that Mr. Pops drove was a few meters away.

“Ara, I don’t think this is very good behavior as students.” Mr. Pops told them as he picked them up.

“I agree Mr. Pops, but this is something very important.” She said as she and Ram entered. They drove off to the airport right away.

 

***

 

“Fred.”

They found him being wheeled by the woman from the orphanage’s reception desk and another bigger man Ara did not recognize.

“What are you doing here, didn’t I tell you to go to school?” Fred was stunned.

“I was.”

“It’s my fault Mr. Fred.” Ara said.

“I thought you were a good girl.” Fred shook his head but smiled. “Are you bringing other people into cutting with you now, Ram?”

“I really didn’t.”

“We’ll leave you two be.” The woman said and Fred nodded. She let go of the handles on Fred’s wheelchair and walked away with the man.

“I’ll leave too.” Ara said.

“It’s fine.” Ram told her and Ara stopped in her tracks. “I don’t really have anything to say.” This, he told to Fred.

“I’m happy just seeing you here too.”

“Will you really still play the piano?”

“Of course.”

“When you can play again, fly back here right away.” Ram told him.

“I’m not a bird.” Fred teased him. He would have ruffled his hair, but Ram was too tall now. On top of that, he was stuck in a wheelchair. “You used to be such a brat to me. I guess you still are.”

“You were annoying yourself, even now too.”

“Take care of yourself, Ram.”

“You’re in no position to worry about others. Take care of yourself, first.”

“I will. See you, Ram.”

“See you.”

“That’s my flight calling.” Fred said after an announcement. Fred called back the woman from the reception desk. He waved goodbye as he was wheeled away. Ram’s clenched hands shook but no tears escaped under his watchful eye.

 

***

 

It was already lunch time when they made it back to school. Thankfully, they weren’t caught by the teachers. There were some classes that started in the afternoons, and Ram himself often went to class just on lunch break so there were other students who entered with them. But, their classmates knew and threatened to tell on Ara to the teachers. They struck out a deal with her that she would have to do the classroom’s after school cleaning for a week. Ara agreed.

However, they were too scared and didn’t dare do that with Ram.

Ram decided to skip the rest of the afternoon classes and went to the same top floor before lunch break was over. It must have been a good couple of hours before Ara found him there. They had science for their last period and Ara had started looking for him just a little before that.

“Were you crying?” She said and sat down carefully beside him.

“No.” He said.

“What was Fred like?”

“Annoying, loud, intrusive.” He started. “Sounds like your friend, Lily was it?”

“Yes, Lily.”

“Caring, too good for his own sake, probably has a problem in the head for trying to stick with someone like me.”

“He really is a kind, wonderful person as I thought.” She told him with a bright smile. That smile irritated him, but at the same time it looked so welcoming. He could count the number of times he ever felt welcome to anything.

“Kind, huh? Probably foolish.” He didn’t want to cry, and he’s done a good job of that so far. But that moment with only the wind making a sound, and the company of the warmth of the sun and the girl beside him, it felt too safe. His body decided on its own that it was a perfect place to let go.

“You’re very kind too, Ram. Maybe it’s in a different way than others’ kindness, but you seem to be very kind too.” Ara told him. She patted his head gently as he cried. They heard the bell rung but Ara made no motion to leave him.

“Does that mean I’m foolish too?”

“I don’t know.”

“Isn’t it time for you to go?”

“No.” She stroked his hair. He remembered seeing a kid in the playground before being stroked by his mother like that. He wished so badly then that he could switch places with that boy. It truly was as nice as Ram imagined back then.

 

***

 

That dismissal, Ram went home ahead of her. He peered at the door’s window for a while as she swept the floor while her friend Lily helped erased the markings on the board.

“Oh no, the driver’s already here.”

“You should go home now, Lily, I’m nearly done anyway.” She convinced Lily to leave. Ram walked away just as Lily was about to exit the classroom as well.

He wondered why she didn’t make him stay. It was his fault she had to do something like that after all. He tried to rack his brain for an answer but could not find any. The girl was hard to understand.

The next day, he went home right away as well.

“Hey you!” A loud voice said behind him and he looked behind. It was Ara’s friend. “You’ve really got some nerve on you.”

He didn’t want to listen to her so he kept walking.

“Wait up, I’m still talking to you.” She caught up with him and her eyes were furious. “Don’t you think it’s unfair that Ara’s all alone cleaning up there when you were cutting classes too?”

“No one told me I had to clean too.” He started to get irritated. “It was her fault she agreed to their threat.”

Lily looked like he wanted to slap, punch and kick Ram at the same time. Ram sort of wished she would. He deserved some kind of punishment. Maybe that will help the guilt go away. She cursed at him and went away. That didn’t really make him feel better.

He was already out of the school gates when he glanced back to where there building must be and started walking back. He entered their classroom again and found Ara moving the chairs by herself.

“Ram, what are you doing here?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He said and helped her move the chairs.

“You don’t have to do that. I can do it by myself.”

“This is punishment for cutting classes according to our classmates. I cut classes. That’s all there is to it.” He said. The physical work made him feel better. He refused to deny it was because he felt guilty.

“Okay.” Ara easily accepted his words. She seemed to have no trouble listening now, so why didn’t she leave him alone right away when he said he didn’t want to see Fred?

They walked home together once they were done. They never talked the whole way.

As he saw her stare intently out into the door’s window, Ram realized she was the same girl he saw some afternoon way back. That day he started going to school on a whim because Fred reprimanded him, even if it was only from lunchtime.

He went home by train then and saw a girl who looked so closely outside that her hands pressed against the doors. He branded her off as foolish and forgot about it until now.

He snickered as he realized that he was exactly correct about thinking that the girl was foolish.

“What’s funny?” The foolish girl asked.

“Nothing.”

 

***

 

Ram helped her clean after class the next day as well.

She erased the markings on the board when she started humming the tune of one of their band’s songs. She got some end phrases wrong.

“That’s not it.”

“Hmm? What’s not it?” Ara looked to him and looked back at the board. “Did I miss a spot?”

“No, your tune. You sang it wrong.”

“I didn’t say anything.” She said and Ram dropped the subject. “Oh no, was I perhaps singing?” She realized after a while.

“Humming, yes. Badly.”

“I’m sorry about that.” She said and Ram’s brows furrowed. No one should apologize for humming.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Oh.”

“People sing to express themselves, so people should sing when they feel like it, Fred told me that before.”

“Was it Mr. Fred who taught you how to sing?”

“No. I already knew how to. What he did was recognize that I had a liking to it.” He finished arranging the chairs. Ara was already done with sweeping earlier and has just completed the board. “He said I was pretty good at it. So since he played the piano for the nearby church, he…” Ram suddenly felt extremely dizzy and had to crouch down. His head has been hurting for the past few days.

“Are you okay? Shall we get you to the clinic?” Ara crouched in front of him.

“No, I’m fine. I think I just want to lay here for a while.”

“Wait, but, you shouldn’t stay there.” Ara panicked.

“Don’t go.” He instinctively reached out before he lost consciousness. Ara couldn’t leave him alone but she couldn’t possibly carry him down to the clinic by herself either.

He snored a little and Ara figured he has just fallen asleep. Somehow, it didn’t surprise her. He has been exerting himself so much the past few days during their band’s practices. The dark circles in his eyes also told her that he must have not been sleeping well too.

He looked uncomfortable sleeping on the floor like that so she laid his head on her lap to use as a pillow. She regretted not getting her phone first before doing that, but she was afraid it might disturb him if she did so now.

She heard him say “don’t go” in his sleep too. Fred mentioned that Jules was an orphan from that same orphanage. Ara wondered if Jules was telling that to his parents, or maybe even to Fred. The AC has been turned off a little while ago but it was still just comfortably cold enough. In the silence, Ara dozed off herself after a while.

“What? What happened?” Ram woke up with a start. His voice also woke Ara up.

“How are you feeling now?” Ara looked at the windows and she saw through a peek in the curtains that the sky outside has turned orange. It must be nearly sunset.

“I remember getting dizzy.” Ram had a hand to his head, he groaned.

“Are you still not feeling well?”

“Of course, I just laid on the floor. My head hurts.” He knocked on his head.

“You didn’t want to go to the clinic when you said you got dizzy.”

“That’s a given.” He laid his head back and took a deep breath. He suddenly remembered something. “Was I…was I really laying on your lap the whole time?” His face has started to turn a deep crimson.

“The floor looked uncomfortable, so-”

“Okay, I get it.”

“It’s nearly nighttime, we should go home.” Ara stood up so suddenly that she wobbled from having sat and supported Ram for so long. She caught herself on her own before Ram could and went to get her backpack.

As they walked home together, Ram realized that he can’t figure out or feel any motivation behind her actions.

“Why are being so nice to me? Why’d you help me out with Fred?” He started to say. It was unsettled him so much about her. She was silent as she thought about it for a while.

“I don’t really know. I think it’s because you wanted to see Fred one last time, and at least say goodbye. It’s hard not to be able to say goodbye and lose that chance forever. I heard my family say they regretted not saying ‘I love you’ to brother Alex, the one who died. You were crying very loudly before there were even tears.” She stopped and turned to him. “I’m so glad you got to say goodbye to your family, Fred.” She smiled a big smile that was free of any jealousy, just the true gladness she felt for him as she said.

For the first time, Ram didn’t find himself hating this particular smile.

So she didn’t do it to get his favor, or flirt, or for any other underhanded motivation. It reminded him of that time when the ugly cat let him hold her babies. The girl trusted him before he showed any reason to be trusted.

She always looked out for him, if he thought about it. She accounted for his share before he knew he was even invited that first dinner they all had together. Ram wondered if this was what having a mother felt like.

“Thank you.” He whispered so lowly only the sudden gust of wind that flew by heard.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, it’s nothing. We should head home right away.” He suggested and Ara nodded.