I'm standing in front of Alicia's door. Only halfway here I realized I was still in the borrowed clothes, and that they're bigger than what I usually wear. I need to go back tomorrow and thank Cat for helping me, and lending me clothes as well as changing back to mine. I need to wash these when I'm home. Ugh, no, stop Eleanor. You're deflecting and putting things off again.

As I'm about to knock on the door, I realize something. There's no way I can have this conversation. There's no way awkward little me is going to be able to stand up to her as an equal, not as I am now. I have to be firm. I have to be direct. I have to be brave. I have to be like Alicia. So that is what I'm going to do. I know her mannerisms and character well enough, so I'm just going to reroll my character from squirrel girl Eleanor, into radiant knight Alicia.

I knock on her door, and I can hear movement inside. Does she know it's me? Is she expecting another girl to be coming? I don't really know anything about Alicia anymore, I've only seen one side of her. Is that intentional? I don't know, but I'm about to find out. 

A few seconds later Alicia opens the door, and I was apparently not who she was expecting to see. It's rare that her expression breaks this much, but she is obviously very surprised to see me.

"Eleanor I-"

I don't let her finish what she's saying, as I march in, throw of my shoes and plant myself firmly on the sofa before turning to look into Alicia's eyes. Come on, you can do this Eleanor. You're not Eleanor right now, you're Alicia.

"Alicia. Come. Sit."

Alicia winces at my words, but drags herself over to where I am sitting. She's unlike anything I've ever seen. All her confidence, brilliance, radiant shine is gone. Now she looks like a child who knows they've done something wrong, that they're about to be scolded. Alicia sits down, but for once she's sitting on the other end, not in range of any kind of physical contact. She hangs her head low for a bit, waiting for me to speak but I want to hear what the first words out of her mouth is going to be. She looks up at me and I can see the gears turning in her head.

"Eleanor, are you angry?"

"Angry? I don't know, maybe. I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now. After I left, I ran to Sophia, and talked to Cat. She realized something was very wrong, as she thought I was one of your "girls". Yeah. She told me."

That was a bit harsher sounding than I wanted, but maybe that's exactly what I need right now. I know the second I break character I'm going to crumble back into my normal self, not someone who can handle this conversation right now.

"Oh."

Oh? That's it? That's all she's going to say? I might not have been angry before but now I am. Has every moment since she met me been a game to her? 

"Alicia. Please explain everything. I'm very confused right now, I don't know what to think. Your actions contradicts everything Cat said, and I don't know what you want with me. Why did you come into my life? What is your goal? What do you want?"

"Would you believe me if I said I fell in love with you on the first day we met?"

Huh? What's this? That doesn't make any, oh. Maybe it does?

"Would I believe you? I don't know? You should know that better than me right now. Have you ever lied to me? Do you want to lie to me? Is there a reason I shouldn't believe you?"

Alicia's eyes widen in surprise, I don't think she was expecting that answer. Gosh I wasn't expecting that answer to come out of my own mouth either. 

"No. I haven't lied to you. I haven't been very honest, but I haven't lied."

"Go on."

She takes a deep breath, rubbing her left hand with her right as she averts her gaze and stares out the window.

"As I said, I fell in love with you on the first day. I have spent a lot of time with different girls, but there was something different about you. Very cliché, I know. You looked at me like you'd never seen anyone like me before, and I thought at first that maybe you were just interested in me. I quickly realized this wasn't the case. You're incredibly brilliant in what you do, but you are entirely clueless at life, and romance."

Ouch, it's true though.

"I figured maybe I could do something about it. I noticed you didn't have any particular interest in anyone, or any gender, so I was hoping that maybe you did like girls. As we spent time together I tried doing things to make you realize I was hitting on you, but you never did. So I wanted to keep going, to see if you would realize things. I spent time with you, got you used to me touching you, spending time at your place, my place. I introduced you to Sophia, I realize now that was a stupid plan, as you didn't realize it was a bar for lesbians. Then I had to go away. I missed being around you, seeing you. Then when you said you thought you were getting sick. I realized that maybe, just maybe what you were feeling was loneliness, that you missed me too, that you had started liking me. So I got impatient. I tried to feel you out earlier, touching you, having you lay down in my lap and I thought I read you right, but I didn't. I realized that when I kissed you. The expression you had made me realize I have gone about this all wrong. If maybe, maybe I had just talked to you. Sat you down and had a proper conversation, things would turn out different. I didn't know what I was going to do, and then you showed up at my doorstep an hour later."

A lot of things are going on in my mind right now. So many pieces of a puzzle falling into place. Her actions, everything she's done has been to make me fall in love with her, because she loves me. To me that sounds really really weird. Falling in love that quickly, but then again, I don't know.  There is one thing I need to know. I know how sex works, I'm not that naïve, well, maybe.

"What did you want to do with me? Did you actually want a relationship, or just to sleep with me and then dump me?"

Uhh, did I say something wrong? Alicia looks horrified.

"You've been acting really different Eleanor, you're scaring me. To answer your question though. I wanted to try a relationship. At first yes, I might have thought about just sleeping with you. You were fun, new. As we spent more and more time together, I realized how fun you were to be around, you're so quirky with the way you completely forget about the world and lose yourself in your mind. Your reactions to everything new is so fresh and adorable, and I really really enjoy spending time together, just being in your presence calms me."

Hm. I don't know why, but I believe everything she's said. She's never wanted to hurt me, I can feel that. What do I do? I guess I already know the answer, I think I've known for a while, I just hadn't realized it yet.

"Okay. Let's try."

"Huh?" Alicia looks at me like she didn't believe the words that just came out of my mouth.

"I say let's try. I don't know if I like you, but if I had to choose between liking or disliking you, I like you. I don't have enough experience to know if this is romantic, but I want to find out. For once in my life I want to do something, form a connection to someone. I think I've needed that, you've shown me that I do."

Alicia looks ready to pounce on me, so I hold up a hand.

"But. I have a few conditions, if you can't accept that, then we're not going anywhere. I want to take this at my tempo, at least at the beginning. I'm entirely new to dating, I don't know what it entails, but I know I want to make sure this is something I want to do, and I need time to sort out my feelings. I need to know if what I'm feeling is temporary, or if it will grow to something deeper, more stable. We can keep going as we've had for the past few weeks, I don't want to get super intimate really quickly, as that would overwhelm me. Think you can do that?"

Alicia gives me a nod, and for once in my life I'm feeling mischievous, so I give her an unassuming smile.

"There is one thing we can change though."

I lean towards Alicia, dragging her closer to me by her hands and kissing her lips.

"Nice."

"What?"

"The answer to your question. You asked me how it feels. I like it, it feels nice."