“Where’s your friend? I haven’t heard a terrible take all day and I could do with the practice.” Amelia nudged Ran with her shoulder as she walked next to him out of the classroom. He felt a little guilty. Not that he was ashamed to be here, but he hadn’t exactly expected to be seen either. 

“What, like Dean would be caught dead taking Gender Studies 101? Not on your life. You’re going to have to find your bad takes on twitter.” He paused. “Wait, why are you here?” He turned to look at her and was once again taken aback by how… pretty she was — not the way Rachel was, taking his breath away — by the way she seemed so effortlessly beautiful. Today was, apparently, a leather jacket and torn-jeans kind of day, with a bright-red choker to finish it off, tempting him to look down and to immediately feel like a weird pervert for it. 

“I know,” Amelia said, waving her hand dramatically, “Amelia, you’re already so good at gender, why do you still need Gender Studies? It’s not like it goes into the complex intricacies between gender identity and expression and how it relates to feminism, sexuality, race and religion, and is literally just telling us what gender is.’ I know, and yet, here I am, debasing myself. For kicks. And now you tell me Dean isn’t even here!” It had been an interesting class, for sure. And she wasn’t wrong, of course. They hadn’t even gone into a lot of gender stuff this first class. They’d started with an introduction to feminist theory, and the difference between oppositional and traditional sexism, and things had gone quite fast from there. But he’d done his best to keep up, a backpack full of notes. And yeah, it hadn’t been about transgender people directly, but he knew he’d have to head Amelia off before there was any kind of misunderstanding. 

“Are you done?” Ran asked, trying not to chuckle under his breath. 

Amelia inhaled sharply, paused, and then exhaled. “Yes.” She nudged him with her elbow. “I am a bit surprised to see you here, though. I know you mentioned taking electives but… well…” she shrugged. “Feels a bit out of your comfort zone, doesn’t it?” She seemed to be observing him carefully, and he couldn’t exactly blame her. This was exactly why he hadn’t been super keen on being seen here in the first place. The most logical and most obvious reason for him to go to a gender class was, well, obvious. And that one wasn’t true. 

“Okay, I know what it looks like,” Ran said, “and I promise you that’s not it.” He looked her intently in the eyes, to make sure she got the message. 

“I’m sorry, I just don’t know what you’re referring to,” Amelia said innocently. “You’re going to have to spell it out for me. Want to grab some food?” He nodded, both to her request and to the offer. It was about lunch time, and he didn’t really have anywhere to be. 

“Okay, so food-wise, the turkish place across from the park serves good wraps,” Ran said. He’d know. Ran was exactly the kind of person to take his dürüm way too seriously. “And as for the other thing… I’m just saying, it’s not what it looks like.”

“What does it look like, Ran? Because, well, colour me bimbo; I just have no gosh-darned idea what you’re referring to.” Once again he was completely incapable of reading her expression. She just waited for him, indicating for him to lead the way with a nod of her head. 

“I mean… with what we talked about the other day, you know?” He held the straps of his backpack, hoping that was going to be enough. 

“Gosh, I just don’t remember what we talked about.” She winked at him. “Which is your fault, if you think about it. The pancakes were just too good. But seriously, I don’t remember.” She gently knocked herself on the head. “Garbage brain.”

“Well… you mentioned… about dysphoria and stuff?” he said quietly. Amelia’s eyes went saucer-sized, and she blinked a few times. 

“Okay, wait, hold on, you’re just gonna come out and say… You’re taking Gender Studies because of dysphoria? Oh, honey, you could have just asked-”

“What? No!” Ran frowned and shook his head. That’s not what he’d meant at all! Why was that even where her mind had gone. “No! The obvious thing is that I took that class because of you, duh!” He shook his head again, and held the door open as they exited the main building. She stared at him as she walked through, and seemed remarkably confused for someone who usually seemed to have everything figured out all the time. 

“Wait, you took the class because of me? I mean… If that’s how you’re going to, like, think of it, if that helps…” she was practically mumbling to herself as they crossed the street to the little park. There was a small pond, with a few ducks, lazily floating around without a care about gender in the world, without a single painfully awkward conversation. Ran envied them, and briefly considered flinging himself into the pond. If another one of Amelia’s questions was thrown at him, all he’d have to do was duck. 

“No, that’s what I’m saying.” He rubbed his face. “That’s what the obvious answer is, but that’s not why I’m actually going to that class, I just wanted to head off the awkward conversation before we had it.” Amelia stopped in her tracks, and looked at the ducks. 

“Well, you sure succeeded,” she said, and then broke into a laugh, a hearty belly laugh that conjured up images of dirty jokes told by rowdy folk in taverns. It was a laugh that came from down deep and didn’t stop until it went all the way up to your own funny bone and gave it a good ol’ tickle. Ran felt himself drawn into it, and went from a soft exhale, to a chuckle, to a giggle, all the way to a laugh as full as her own. Amelia caught her breath, and calmed herself down. Ran followed suit. “S- so,” she said, “what was the real reason then, Ran?”

He took a deep breath and straightened up. He hadn’t even realized he’d almost doubled up laughing. He barely knew why he’d laughed so hard. It had just been so infectious, and, well, he’d needed a good laugh. “Well,” he finally managed, “I realized that, with so many queer people around me, it was about time that I did some proper work and take a good hard, long look at myself.” Amelia’s still-slightly-giddy grin froze. “So yeah,” Ran said. “I just want to be a good ally.”

“I… You… I…” Amelia stammered for a few times, before bursting out into another bout of explosive laughter, even louder than the last one. It had to have been the absurdity of their misunderstanding from earlier that had her break down so hard. By the time Ran was laughing along again at the silliness of it, she had tears in her eyes, doubled over and leaning on his shoulder. “You- you- you- can’t- be- serious,” she wheezed. 

“I am!” Ran laugh-shouted, before they both started laughing again. It took them a full five minutes to stop laughing, helping each other to a bench where they would occasionally catch their breath before they broke out in near-hysteric bouts of cackling again. Still doing that half-laughing one does after an explosive attack of the giggles like that, Ran turned to her. “What- what was even so funny?”

Amelia looked at him and started to giggle a few times and then just patted him on the shoulder. “I… It’s just funny, du- Ran. Don’t even worry about it.”

“Well, now I’m gonna have to worry about it,” he said as they got back up. “Fuck, I’m hungry.” He nudged her. “Come on, tell me.”

“You wouldn’t-” she shook her head, still grinning, but followed him down the park. The weather was absolutely wonderful, and the cool air was helping them calm down after their little breakdown. “You ever have a conversation with someone who was, like, wrong about something, and you know they’re wrong but you can’t prove it, and you know that if you just talk to them about it they’ll start arguing and dig their heels in so hard they’ll be even more  wrong by the time you’re done talking to them.”

“Ye-ah?” Ran said tentatively. “I have a racist uncle, if that’s what you’re asking, but I’m not sure how that’s relevant. Unless…” he stopped by the traffic lights just as they turned green, and they did the little jog across the street. “But like, that’s why I’m taking this class, right? So I can get over those preconceived notions.” He wasn’t sure what she was driving at. If he was close-minded, then he wouldn’t be going to this class, would he? Or had she seen some more shitty behaviours in him, the kind he couldn’t just be told about. 

He was still preoccupied while he ordered his food, waited for it, and received it. His mind was still full of noisy, useless, little thoughts as he chewed on a wrap so full of garlic sauce it dripped on his shoes. Amelia chomped happily on her own — wrap, not shoes — as she joined him outside. 

“You okay, man? Uh, Ran, I mean?” she nudged him. “Don’t worry about stuff too much, okay? Just keep going to the courses, take your time. It’ll make sense when it makes sense. And I’m here if you need to talk about stuff, alright?” Amelia gave him a grease-covered smile, and then started to walk down the street. He followed her. Her offering to talk to him made sense if she got the feeling he still had stuff he needed to work through. And it had to do with gender, too. Or, well, the Gender Studies class. So maybe it wasn’t gender? Sexuality, maybe? Had she seen him say or do something that would make her suspect him of being homophobic to Rachel? Or had it just been the fact that he was going to the class, something that could very easily be seen as performative? 

“I’ll try,” he said, too preoccupied to really formulate an answer more coherent than that. “I just gotta… think, yknow? But also listen a lot.”

“It sounds like you’re stuck in your own head,” Amelia said, chewing thoughtfully. 

“Yeah, well, who isn’t, right?” he shrugged. “Besides, that’s not entirely true. I’m trying to get lost in this döner kebab.” He held it up almost defensively. It was a good wrap, when he managed to focus on it for more than a few seconds. He didn’t really like others preparing his food very often. They tended to get it wrong. There was a personal experience to making food, and he didn’t like other people taking it away from him. But the two cousins who ran the döner place sure as hell knew what they were doing. 

“Well, you gotta make sure to enjoy it then. Your body isn’t just a vehicle,” she said. “I gotta head off here, I have things to do other than your roommate tonight.” She winked. “Take care of yourself, Ran. And I mean it, if you need to talk to someone, I’m available.” There was a genuine affect to her voice that made him genuinely uncomfortable. Was she that concerned about whatever kind of bigotry she’d seen in him that she was offering to throw herself on that grenade? That’s not a thought he enjoyed. Nobody should have to sacrifice themselves to deal with someone who was a perceived threat to people, to women or queer people, no matter how well intentioned. The thought of him being a threat like that was horrifying.

“I’ll… I’ll get better,” he mumbled. Amelia blinked a few times, then cocked her head. 

“What?”

“I… Yeah, thank you.” Ran smiled, then waved and started walking away before she could press him any further. Had he made things worse? Said something wrong? He shook his head and headed home, trying to enjoy his food, but he found it strangely hard to focus.

Elamimax

Oh dear :o Looks like things are starting to get shaken loose, huh?

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Ela