“At first, the feeling was unbearable I almost cry. But after that, I really did break down, hiding my face behind my knees, wrapping my hands around my legs as I cry like a little kid. I sob loudly and also scream in frustration. All the while, Caleb stands behind me calmly. Not touching me. Not saying anything. He just waits for me to settle down quietly. Unmoving. I don’t know what expression he makes on his face. But I’m sure it’s nothing short of kindness. Today, it was the first time in life that I get to see the blue sky reflected by the ocean’s water. He brought me to the beach. And for that, I almost feel that in return, I will do anything for him… Almost.”
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They settled all of their things which only consist of some backpacks in the hotel room. To Lucca’s surprise, Caleb had packed some stuffs already into the mustang before they leave and somehow he must’ve sneaked into Lucca’s room to get his things for him too. He took the backpacks out when they changed cars at a shady area of some town before driving over to this place. When he asked him how he knew all the things that are crucial for him, Caleb shrugged his shoulder and simply said “it wasn’t me. It was you.” It pissed Lucca off but before he could further argue, his attention was brought to the sight of something of utmost beauty to his eyes; the ocean.
The sky was blue, the wind was blowing strongly, the sand was white. He couldn’t help himself but ran out of the car immediately towards the beach while Caleb followed. He was surprised how soft the sand was at first. His steps slowed to accommodate to the softness. And a few steps away from the water, the sand somewhat hardened again. It was there that Lucca stopped. His heart started to break as he got down to his knees and cried. Caleb stood behind him in silence, appearing to understand why Lucca was crying.
Later when they’re in the hotel room, Lucca can feel that some sand is still stuck in his shoes but he doesn’t care. It’s proof that he had been to a beach. He is now standing at the balcony, lamenting on his fate. There’s just so much that he had missed in his life. It just made him resent his father even more. It looks like it’s about to rain with the ocean reflecting the gloomy sky. In that moment, for Lucca, even this sky looks appealing and beautiful to him simply for the fact that he had never seen the ocean in a grey color before, not even in the movies he had watched.
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“I wanted to hold him and tell him that it’s alright but it felt like it wasn’t my place to tell him that. I couldn’t possibly say that I understand as well because I didn’t go through what he went through. So I just stood behind him with nothing to say. It was actually the first time that when I look at him and wanted to hold him, I had no sexual motive. I just wanted to comfort him. But I wasn’t even able to do that. I felt helpless. Just like when I was a child and my mother shove me into that room full of evil adults. It almost felt like that.”
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Caleb lies down on the bed, rocking his left leg slightly, staring at the ceiling. He is completely aware of Lucca’s presence at the balcony. Their existences are divided by the sliding door. He wonders if Luke will show up. There are a lot of questions that he wanted Luke to answer because Luke appears to remember things better. Luke appears to know more about Lucca than even Lucca knew about himself. But that guy never gave a straight answer. With Lucca, Caleb feels superior but with Luke, it was the other way around. He can’t help but feel excited over that though. He wonders if he is ever going to have sex with Lucca, will Luke join in? That’ll be like a threesome. That very idea makes his hair stand in excitement and his little buddy getting erected. He can live with this for now. With the idea.
He can force Lucca down but he won’t do that. That would put him in the same shoes as those men from his childhood. So he had made it his principle to never force someone into bed with him but Lucca… always makes him feel unbearable. The longing is unbearable. There’s a small pain that came with the longing but also a small sense of happiness. Something that he can’t describe with words. He wanted to push Lucca down on the bed, licks his asshole and bite his butt cheek for all that he cares but no. He won’t force him.
For now, he’s just content looking at him from the distance. Lucca is within his reach yet he’s out of reach. He is there but not there. He is all around him but he’s not his. At first, all he wanted was to taste him but now, he’s even more afraid to touch him. He doesn’t want to break him. He is scared of holding him. He is scared that if he holds on to him, he has to let go. Letting go will be difficult. Perhaps it is better not to start anything so that the ending is more endurable. So that the ending is expected. To start something is to welcome uncertainty and anxiety. It’s not sad not to have something that you always wanted. What’s sad is to lose something that you had always wanted after having it for an amount of time. That is the ultimate lost. And the pain that comes with it is incomparable to the pain of an unrequited love.
