19. CALEB CODRIN: Someday
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It could have been wonderful. It could have been perfect, even. If the circumstances are different in terms of my awareness and willingness, it could have been a good life. But I was a child. I knew next to nothing of what I was going to go through. I guess I only learned after that day. After I was displayed and sold to the highest bidder. I didn't even see their faces. They wore masks. I used to wonder who they are. But now I no longer care. I just hope they suffer. I hope they will live a miserable life.

 

There were other boys and girls in the room. If I'm not mistaken it was called the 'Red Room'. One that stood out was a boy who looks like doll. Beautiful doll-like blue eyes, pale white skin, and shiny dark hair. He was void of emotions. He stood motionlessly. If he didn't blink, I could have easily believed he's a child mannequin. I still remember. The first time I was auctioned. Among the crowds, I saw her and I immediately recognized her. She had a smile on her face when she looked down on me. I knew she tried to pretend that she didn't know me. But through her smile, I knew she was my mother. I remember how I begged her with my eyes to help me. My mouth was gagged so all that came out of it was gibberish.

 

I remember being confused. I remember looking over at my mother, begging her to help me through the looks in my eyes. But she only flashed me a knowing smile and pretended she didn't notice.

 

That day, I bled. I was taken by three men at the same time. I remember the pain. I remember letting myself get accustomed to it. I remember letting myself believe that I 'wanted' it. It helped to relieve the pain for a bit. It helped to soothe my ego for a bit. And eventually, ironically, only sex helped me to feel normal at times. Meanwhile, at other times, I'm fucked up, angry, sad, and frustrated. I blamed everything, everyone, even God.

 

But somehow, deep inside me, there's still that tiny hope, so tiny it could easily be mistaken as a joke, that someday, I will be saved. Someday, I'll be okay. Someday, I'll be able to smile again and mean it. Someday.

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