The tale of Ushiro Yamatsu.
Once born to a loving family, her early childhood was all sunshine and rainbows. Her friends liked her, and her parents were proud of her. At least, from her perspective that was the case. Thus, she was devastated when seemingly out of nowhere her parents divorced, and always blamed it on herself. After all, her parents liked each other so much, and were so happy together, that it could only be her fault if they broke up.
The worst part was that she actually was correct, as she later learned, her parents divorced because of her.
So what did she miss? Simple, her life, especially her relations as she would describe it, would be described differently by anyone close to her. She would always cling to people she would consider her friend, much to the annoyance of them. She was pretty competent at her schoolwork, and her parents did praise her for it, but that was just to make sure she wouldn't cry and scream if no one showed interest. They felt forced to, more than wanting to do it themselves. Having to deal with her was tricky, as she could flip out any moment for seemingly no reason. As time went on, she found it more and more difficult to get friends, and the ones she had always left her eventually.
Back in early middle school, her mother showed she had enough of Ushiro, and promptly left. She and her father after that became closer due to the resulting emotional situation, but even that didn't last long, as her father got more and more frustrated about having to deal with the aftermath of her antics and her constant incessant rambling about every little thing she thought about during class. It only made him feel more uncomfortable, and eventually, he told her to find some friends to share it with, with made Ushiro almost break out into tears. All of this culminated into him feeling constantly tired, stressed, and annoyed, which made him take longer and longer breaks from work. He resented his own daughter for it, as he kept mulling over what her existence does to his life, he got sick of it. And so one day, when Ushiro was being especially provocative and annoying, he struck her in the face. A clean blow that made her stagger backward, followed by an expression of fear.
In a happier story, the dad would have profusely apologized, and they would have somehow reconciled. However, what she got from then on were more and more frequent beating. From the position of a daughter, she turned into a punching bag instead, used to vent the father's frustrations. He shut himself inside his room, only going out of it to grab extra alcohol when he runs out, and occasionally to eat a meal.
In the end Ushiro was left by everyone, and decided to leave herself to let everything go back to normal, where she was picked up by Takumi.
......
She looked over to me, trying to read my expression.
"In the end, it was my fault, because I don't know how to read the mood. I've always been useless like this."
She wistfully stared off into the distance.
"Isn't it unfair for others to have to deal with me? That's what I think. Even so, I wanted to be selfish, and make others endure having to be around me. I've never made anyone happy anyway, but if I tried really hard, I could be important."
She looked over to me while I'm still sitting on the patch of grass.
"Seeing your expressions meant a lot to me. Every time you looked at me you would always fall into thought, thinking about me."
She gave me a sincere smile. But her expression soon faltered again.
"So that's why you can forget about me now, my wish has already been granted."
I'm sure she realized the underlying implication of what she just said.
'Leave me here, and let me die.' She basically said to me.
But I didn't move, simply waiting in the silence as we listened at the breeze, trying to formulate an answer.
Of course, I had none. But that still didn't keep me from trying my hardest.
In the end, all I could give was half-assed advice.
"You don't need to carry this burden alone. You can only take responsibility for the actions you do, not of those around you."
She gave a patient smile, as if she's already heard all of this before, and is simply hearing me out to make me feel validated, like you would to a child who would ramble on about nothing.
Still, I kept trying.
"You're not a lost cause, just misguided and misunderstood. You need a consultant, at the very least."
"...Takumi, I know what you are trying to say. I'm sure you would like to pretend I'm a genuinely good person, and make plans so that I won't do anything irrational. And maybe you are speaking the truth, that if I get therapy I can get along and leave that all behind. Being overly emotional makes people make bad decisions. But it's too much, it's all a mess inside. I don't want to be mentally dissected, I don't want medication to alter my thoughts, I don't care about having a normal life."
Her expression stoic, she walked toward the direction her knife went. But I quickly stood up and took it before she could.
"You can keep it if you want, the knife. I have more than enough." She said, with an uncaring voice. "Or if you want you can plunge it in me right now. Do make sure to aim well."
Even though she says these words as lightly as she would greet someone, her body bestrayed an immense amount of fear. Behind the facade of bravery is still a small girl who is in constant turmoil.
My brain became even more stuck than before. Every word I tried to utter I gulped back down reflexively. I didn't want to say or do something wrong, so I only stalled for time as we stood in silence.
"H-hey Ushiro... I'm not-... I-I thi-..."
I started stuttering while my throat was clamping down on me. My heartbeat was going haywire, and I could feel beads of sweat forming. Rough breathing turned into hyperventillation, and my thoughts became a complete mess.
Her expression turned more rigid at this pathetic display. I think it's the first time I made her feel uncomfortable instead.
"A-are you alright, Takumi?" She couldn't help worry.
I'm such a piece of shit. I'm just a child pretending to be cool, but when facing with an actual situation, I break down completely.
"I-it's fine, I j-just-..."
Why do I keep fucking stuttering? Talk normally already you braindead idiot. Just say anything! She's about to die and you stand there having a mental breakdown.
Yeah, look! The one who is literally being abused is looking down with pity on you. What are you doing? Out with it! Speak!
...
In a moment of clarity after my brain reached a boiling point, I spoke the dumbest words I could choose.
"W-will you go out with me?"
well, her logic is both right and wrong. going by reading between the lines of her own bias, i'd say the parents pampered the f*ck outta her letting her become a spoiled little shit. then they finally couldn't stand the monster they created.
but my question now is how the hell she's still so emotionally volatile? it's literally impossible for her to be this way biologically. so the only alternative is conditioning... and trauma 'cures' that with it's own poison. so how the hell is she not a meek abuse victim shivering like the useless 'dog' known as a chihuahua? she's been suffering the beatings for a few years now no? i'd expect her to have broken down in a sobbing shivering mess every time MC got near her...
I don't want to be mentally dissected, I don't want medication to alter my thoughts, I don't care about having a normal life.
dissection? really? i can't quite see the fear of talk therapy coming from any place other than insecurity about their pride... but idk i'll let that one slide since preconceptions are quite prominent for literally everyone ever.
meds are fair game though, all of them are designed to dumb you down in one way or another. for the purpose of 'helping' sure, but imo they get in the way/build reliance issues much more than they 'help'.
and the last one's a lie to herself, MC should've called her on that one. otherwise why would she let him take her to his home? she wants to be wanted, in place of a normal life. sheesh.
that all said decent chapter aside from the psychological progression flaw i pointed out. i do appreciate the general tone and direction this is going. but i really hope she pulls her sh*t together enough to seek a therapist. and for some reflection so she can make herself 'worthy' of the MC's kindness he's been showing her.
btw predicting right now a later plot point:
she's gonna become the frontman for him and his sister's relationship. and she'll most likely be happy with that since she'll feel wanted and loved. (i actually know someone like that in a 3p relationship... without the incest)
the moment i realize my comment is about 1/4th the chapter length.
Absolute madlad for writing this, and the prediction will likely come true, but I can't really think 10-20 chapters ahead so it's still up in the air.
The reason why she behaves so aggressively while still showing otherwise to the abuser, at least my reasoning, is the disassociation between her father and the mc, and as such, would react completely differently when faced with either. I'm not a professional psychologist, so I may be off the mark, but from what I've seen irl it should hold up.
"she wants to be wanted, in place of a normal life." true
"going by reading between the lines of her own bias, i'd say the parents pampered the f*ck outta her letting her become a spoiled little shit. then they finally couldn't stand the monster they created."
That's indeed the major issue, completely correct. THough outside of just being spoiled, my intent was also just making her socially incompetent in general.
Thanks for the detailed comment, feedback like this really gets my brain going. It also makes me feel proud that my readers are actively thinking alongside me, makes it a lot more fun to write as well.
"but i really hope she pulls her sh*t together enough to seek a therapist. and for some reflection so she can make herself 'worthy' of the MC's kindness he's been showing her." I'm taking it chapter by chapter, so I can't comment much on it, but I am planning to address it in the story, seeing as it's now a significant point both in the character and the plot.
@shiyon
no problem, as you can tell i get invested in psych sh*t as a hobby. so forgive me for any blunt passion i have that might rub you the wrong way! i try to be as constructive as i can.
The reason why she behaves so aggressively while still showing otherwise to the abuser, at least my reasoning, is the disassociation between her father and the mc, and as such, would react completely differently when faced with either. I'm not a professional psychologist, so I may be off the mark, but from what I've seen irl it should hold up.
i think i could see that better if she was either abused for less time, or have some mixture of autism. skipping the first part for a bit, her being autistic to some high functioning degree usually makes people more susceptible to stability of environment issues. so it's possible i could see you choosing to go this route with her. for example i could see you play up the bias perspective bit, with how she just doesn't get some things without damn good reasoning explained patiently.
as someone on the spectrum and knowing a good number of others, i can safely say near flawless logic and patience to explain it matters a f*cking sh*t ton as a kid. because we see things in patterns, so if the logic doesn't mesh with our current world view, improperly explained, or otherwise told "do as we say i ain't 'splain shit". we reject the every living f*ck outta it until our will breaks.
so yea, something to think on if your going socially 'inept' route. lol
back to the first point of her being abused for less time, my reasoning is her will hasn't broken yet. or since it's only been going on for a few years not long enough... which is a rather shitty way to put it... but i mean this in the sense of if abuse was all she knew she'd be able to rationalize it as her 'normal' better. where as if it was only some months since it started, she'd still faintly holding onto the idea of things can get better. and i mean faintly in the sense of similar to how she is now, desires to live, but struggles with it and acts out seeking better for herself... just like a baby's cry... if that makes sense to you... not sure i'm explaining it well. but yea, people will breaks eventually. if it's really been in the time frame of 2-4 years... she should be broken and submissive by now from my understanding...
on a less depressing topic, i think it's good that your taking things chapter by chapter. but i think it's better to have long term plot points planned out for initial direction that have the flexibility to change upon character and plot progression. but i'm no writer myself so take that one with a grain of salt. *shrug*
keep up the good work!
@loshi1505 "on a less depressing topic, i think it's good that your taking things chapter by chapter. but i think it's better to have long term plot points planned out for initial direction that have the flexibility to change upon character and plot progression. but i'm no writer myself so take that one with a grain of salt. *shrug*"
Let's just say I'm being very lazy. Does have some advantages, but pacing gets a little f*cked sometimes. At the same time, it becomes like a puzzle, gets the noggin joggin.
"no problem, as you can tell i get invested in psych sh*t as a hobby. so forgive me for any blunt passion i have that might rub you the wrong way! i try to be as constructive as i can."
I'm not going to become offended, that would be a little pathetic of me. Hell, the readers outsmart me even sometimes, so not taking criticism would be a severe detriment.
"back to the first point of her being abused for less time, my reasoning is her will hasn't broken yet. or since it's only been going on for a few years not long enough... which is a rather shitty way to put it... but i mean this in the sense of if abuse was all she knew she'd be able to rationalize it as her 'normal' better."
It's been going on for a few years. I'd say around 4-5 by now, going off by the timeframe I provided. So she does have a good grasp of the 'before and after', as for her becoming completely mindbroken, well, she gets pretty close in the story, I'd assume. Though to be fair, I should've better thought out the permanent effects it had on her psyche. But hey, nothing that can't be fixed in the future, she only been introduced for a little bit, mc literally knows her for 2 days now?
"i think i could see that better if she was either abused for less time, or have some mixture of autism."
You guessed correct, I wrote her as autistic because it's one of the subjects of psychology I am at least somewhat familiar with, as I know a few people.
@shiyon
You guessed correct, I wrote her as autistic because it's one of the subjects of psychology I am at least somewhat familiar with, as I know a few people.
welp that explains a lot of the signs i've been seeing then. also the larger than normal willpower. >_>
It's been going on for a few years. I'd say around 4-5 by now, going off by the timeframe I provided. So she does have a good grasp of the 'before and after', as for her becoming completely mindbroken, well, she gets pretty close in the story, I'd assume. Though to be fair, I should've better thought out the permanent effects it had on her psyche.
hmm, i don't think full mind-broken would happen. so maybe i overplayed my hand earlier about the sobbing mess, sorry about that... anyways, yea, i was mostly referring to crystalizing in her as a trauma. possibly PTSD variety. but i think you already get the picture so i'll save you from another wall of text.
But hey, nothing that can't be fixed in the future, she only been introduced for a little bit, mc literally knows her for 2 days now?
yep! and now i'm making you plan ahead! mwa-ha-ha! (now if only you took notes to read later so you don't forget accidentally~! possible plot point speculation FTW!)
@loshi1505 "but i think you already get the picture so i'll save you from another wall of text. "
I do know, but I love those walls.
" (now if only you took notes to read later so you don't forget accidentally~! possible plot point speculation FTW!)"
I'm just trusting my not very trustworthy memory.
@loshi1505 lol