Hazel started up her tale with “So, there was this griefer named Togi who wanted to ruin everyone’s fun by nuking the entire tournament. Thing is his plan failed hilariously fast, not only on account of the tournament officials shutting him down, but also because your squirrels figured out how to stop the nukes from going off almost immediately after the first one. Well, aside from that one time they deliberately let one of them go off to get rid of a Brose’s Wyvern nest. Anyway the guy got arrested for psych abuse and blacklisted from the tournament, so he’s not too likely to cause any more problems.”

I thought about it for a moment. That would be a valid reason to get a favorable rating from the judges, beating a cheater like that fair and square.

Still, part of it was bugging me, and after a few moments I figured out what it was.

So I asked “Curiously, how’d he sneak nukes into the tournament anyway? I highly doubt he was loading complete thermonuclear warheads into the deployment pods, that’s the sort of thing that would get caught instantly so it had to be cleverer than that.”

Hazel paused for a moment, then answered “Yeah, it was. Though it wasn’t at all nice. Basically he joined a team as their immune specialist, then constantly gaslit his teammates into doubting their own judgments so they wouldn’t notice him sabotaging their organism to act as a host for his own nanoweapon. From what I hear his victims are still in therapy trying to repair the damage he did.”

Morbidly curious, I asked “Er, what team did the asshole sabotage anyway?”

Evidently not thinking much of it, Hazel answered “Bird Strike. Why?”

That was Veronica’s team. I felt myself crumple inwards as tears started rolling down my face, the sudden realization of just what my friend had gone through slamming home hard.

I just sat there crying as Wesseck and Queen both rubbed up against me.

After several moments, Queen admitted “I might have had something to do with this, indirectly. Back at the start of the tournament I said some trash talk to Veronica to get her off balance, and it might have lead her to make a rash recruitment decision about the griefer.”

Seeing our state, Hazel sighed “Don’t blame yourselves, either of you. Togi was always going to try and find a victim for him to abuse, it was sheer rotten luck that he happened to hurt someone you know.” as she gently pulled us into a hug with her hundreds of tentacles.

I leaned into the hug as I replied “’m not blaming myself or Queen. I’m just feeling bad that one of my friends went through something that shitty and want to make sure she’s doing alright. Definitely going to be talking with Veronica first chance I get.”

As we were released from the hug I heard Queen mutter “Still kind of blame myself on an emotional level, even that I intellectually know it’s not true.”

As Hazel released Queen from the hug, she asked “So, do you think it would help if I explained how they actually arrested Togi in the end?”

I immediately replied “Yeah.” and Hazel launched into her story.

Some time prior to this, Reze Drossen was in her office as regional supervisor for the Blackwood Invasive Species Tournament when an alert went off on the main display for her computer. Immediately setting her lunch aside to take a look, she was confronted with the icon indicating a nuclear explosion had taken place on Blackwood’s surface.

Immediately Reze started sifting through information to learn as much about the incident as could be gleaned from the sensor data. First of all, it had happened smack dab in the middle of the Thundersnow Steppes, meaning the offender had almost certainly been a competitor for that region.

Reze immediately reviewed the footage of the site from just before the blast as she compared it to the list of organisms entered into the tournament. Sure enough, none of the records indicated an organism that would construct a massive piece of nuclear ordnance then set it off after dispersing seed, which meant that someone had smuggled a creature in somehow.

Grumbling, Reze pulled up the entire list of organism specs in their full detail as she started cranking through them in search of discrepancies. It took her nearly four kiloseconds of searching even with her brain running at absolute maximum power, but in the end it was fairly obvious.

“Found you.” grumbled the six armed woman as she opened up the file on the laser falcon submitted by team Bird Strike. To her practiced eye, the immune system showed obvious signs of sabotage, precisely calibrated to allow an extremely specific nanoweapon to use the bird as a host without any difficulty. It would have been fairly normal if Bird Strike had a symbiotic microorganism listed as part of their submission, but they hadn’t.

Quickly, Reze pulled up the details on the team members. Veronica Machinae, Rat (no surname found), and Togi Sorresh. She located Veronica and Rat pretty quickly, with the both of them currently being treated for psych damage inflicted via gaslighting. Immediately, she could write the both of them off as being the culprit; that sort of psych damage indicated that all the blame for this laid on Togi.

Now that just left the question of where exactly Togi had gone.

Of course, Togi knew exactly where he was. Namely, he was still on Bark milking his prestige as a tournament competitor for all it was worth to pick up one-night stands.

To be more specific, at the moment Togi was at a brothel and casino named the Capsule Shaker, being emotionally manipulative to several of the staff.

It had started innocently enough, with him wandering up to the hooker desk and asking “Hey, can I have a girl for the night? Someone with lots of tentacles and a spicy attitude.”

The synthmorph-wearing lady behind the desk looked Togi up and down in response to that, her creep alarm bells ringing louder and louder the more she looked. Still, he hadn’t actually said or done anything legally actionable yet.

So under the reception desk, Ishe quickly typed out a message “Nyx, we’ve got a creep at the desk. I want observation protocols on whatever room he ends up in, you know the drill.”

There were a few moments before Nyx replied, Ishe’s inbuilt knee cam letting her see the concealed screen as it read “Got it. I’ll have the creep cams running every single moment and security drones ready to break it up if the guy does anything to our girls.”

Meanwhile above the desk, Ishe replied with fake confidence “I know just the girl for you, sir. The normal fee of 120 Glesse will apply, before I can hook you up.”

Togi grinned as he leaned in over the desk and well into Ishe’s personal space, “Oh, you mean there’s no special discount for tournament participants?”

Ishe answered immediately “Not for you there isn’t. A night of time with one of our girls costs one hundred and twenty Glesse, and that is final. Pay up or get lost.”

At the same time Ishe very carefully did not say that she’d seen countless creeps like Togi go through the doors to the rooms in back and come back out with a police escort dragging them off for a court appearance a few kilos later.

All that aside, Togi did eventually pay up the full requested amount, grumbling about how he was entitled to better treatment than this the whole time.

Ishe was of course completely unimpressed by the entitled whining, simply directing him “Room 8A. Reevaun will be waiting for you.” and unceremoniously terminating the conversation with an incredibly obvious death glare.

Togi of course took one last opportunity to be a creep, shooting a lecherous grin at Ishe as he proclaimed “I’ll be back to satisfy you too later!

As soon as the door closed, Ishe muttered “I’ll be satisfied when you’re dragged off to your trial and not one moment sooner.”

The next few minutes were spent doing normal secretarial work, screening messages and checking up on who wanted to contact the Capsule Shaker.

As it turned out, the top four messages were all from law enforcement. Ishe quickly opened the top one and after a full read mentally summarized it as:

“Is Togi Sorresh at your establishment? There is an arrest warrant on him for psychological abuse, sabotage of personal work, and unlawful deployment of a nuclear weapon.”

Ishe read the message very quickly as her thoughts ground to a halt. There was a wanted criminal in the back of the brothel doing who knew what to Reevaun. Immediately, Ishe forwarded the message to Nyx even as she composed a reply.

“To: Bark Public Safety Bureau
From: Capsule Shaker Brothel and Casino

Togi Sorresh is at our establishment and currently engaged in paying intercourse with one of our members. He will likely be occupied in that position for at least two kiloseconds, and is in Room 8A. Should we leave him unaware of your approach, or attempt to detain him with our security drones?”

Please come quickly.”

It only took a few seconds for Ishe to get a reply of “Understood, we’re on our way. Do not alert Togi of our approach in any way. We should be there in eight minutes.”

Ishe of course forwarded this message to Nyx, who immediately replied that she wouldn’t sic the security drones on Togi without an excuse, but the instant she got a safety alarm from Reevaun or saw something untoward on the creep cams she’d be sending in the drones.

And so Ishe sat there, nervously waiting for law enforcement to arrive. To her immense relief there weren’t any signs of the abusive git in question actually doing anything aside from really freaking out Reevaun with how he was talking about her, and the arrest team from the police arrived right on time as expected.

As the four war-morphs and several drones walked up to her desk, Ishe quickly confirmed their identities before telling them “Togi’s in the back, room 8A” and opening the door.

The quartet readied their electro-lasers and started dashing down the hallway in absolute silence, quickly reaching the room Togi was in.

Then the door slammed open, and things got a bit more complicated as Togi already had Reevaun between himself and the door, resulting in her acting as a transhuman shield. For all of a few seconds as the four officers dashed to get at him from an angle he wasn’t obscured and immediately started zapping him with their taser beams.

Togi dropped instantly, his morph’s nervous system being completely jammed by the electrical waveforms going through it as Reevaun dashed off to safety. The current was let up after a bit, then two of the officers pinned Togi down as a third shoved an arrestor mindcast probe into position, while also injecting a nanoweapon to force authorization for mindcast.

After a couple moments, Togi’s morph went limp as the arrestor probe confirmed a successful mindcast. There were a few moments of shuffling around as the drones hauled Togi’s morph off to be recycled, but by and large the arrest was complete.

The next thing Togi knew, he was sitting across a virtual table from an attorney. The first thing that came blathering out of Togi’s mouth was “Who are you supposed to be?”

The severe-looking synthmorph replied “I am Bax Govo, your publicly assigned defense lawyer. Togi, the charges laid against you are very serious.”

Togi just waved it off with “Pfft, all I did was tell some lies and have some fun with the tournament, no big deal.”

Bax narrowed his eyes in a distinctly unimpressed expression before he replied “Togi. You are being accused of deliberately gaslighting two innocent people and leaving them with significant psyche damage-

Togi interrupted with “Eh they’ll be fine it was just a jo-” before finding his ability to speak abruptly cut off by Bax muting him.

Bax continued “You are being accused of deliberately gaslighting two innocent people and leaving them with significant psychological damage as a result. Furthermore, you are being accused of sabotaging their personal work, and deploying a nuclear weapon. If you are convicted of these charges after a trial, you are almost certainly going to be subjected to forcible re-formatting with little regard for continuity of identity, and there is an over ninety nine percent chance of being convicted with the amount of evidence being leveled against you.”

As Bax spoke, Togi’s expression started at smug satisfaction and just kept getting even smugger as the charges were listed. Then Bax got to the section on Togi’s likely fate if he was convicted and the slightest hint of worry appeared on his face for the first time in the entire conversation.

Bax then un-muted Togi, and he immediately started yammering “Hah, this is nothing. I’ll walk right in there, tell them I’m innocent and sorry and then I’ll be in the clear, works every time.”

Mr. Govo then asked “Tell me, Togi, has any of your previous victims brought you to the attention of law enforcement? No? The rules have changed from what you are used to. The judge will not care about your insincere words, she will simply convict you on the evidence. If you plead guilty you will likely only be institutionalized until you are guaranteed to be reformed. Pleading innocent will only get you punished more severely.”

Togi blew it off again with “No way, I’m not going to confess to something I didn’t do, and it wasn’t that bad anyway. Lemme tell the judge abou-”

Bax Govo muted Togi again and stood up to shout “TOGI. You are not anywhere near as special as you think you are. Dealing with people like you is Judge Merrin’s job. She is very good at it and will see through all your deflections and lies instantly. She has authority to charge you with perjury if you do that, which will only reduce your opportunities for appeal further. There are millions of entitled manipulative narcissists out there on Bark, and once people know what one of you is like, they can spot the rest of you within seconds of exposure. Take the plea deal, or they will have you reformatted.”

Togi simply sat there, glaring. After several minutes of tense standoff, his expression still hadn’t changed one bit, and neither had Bax broken off his stare.

Eventually, Togi replied “No. I will be found innocent, I’m absolutely sure of it.”

Mr. Govo simply shook his head as he replied “I cannot legally force you to plead guilty. That said I can absolutely guarantee that by doing this you are making a big mistake. The courts chew up people like you and spit them out every day, and you will be no different.”

A few kiloseconds later, Bax and Togi were seated in the defense box of the courtroom. Across, the prosecutorial team was busily readying their assorted collections of evidence. Meanwhile Judge Merrin was doing some routine administrative work as she waited for the official start time, her small fleet of effector drones massively multiplying her efforts.

Still, sure enough the clock hit the designated time, and Judge Merrin announced “Court is now in session. Defendant, you stand accused of psychological assault, sabotage, and deployment of a nuclear weapon. How do you plead?”

Immediately Togi answered “I didn’t do it and it wasn’t a big deal!”, the prosecutors eagerly recording everything he was saying.

As Mr. Govo groaned quietly in exasperation, Judge Merrin narrowed all twelve of her eyes.

Then she repeated “Defendent. Answer the question. Do you plead innocent, or do you plead guilty?”

Togi called out “I plead innocent!”

Bax slammed his face into hands and tried not to cry as the prosecutors shot him sympathetic looks.

After a few moments watching the display with an unimpressed expression, Judge Merrin announced “Understood. In that case the prosecution may present their case.”

Reginald, the lead prosecutor replied “Certainly.” before firing up a volumetric projector showing an image of Blackwood. They quickly fiddled with the settings, and suddenly a pinprick of light appeared on the Thundersnow Steppes.

Pointing this out, Reginald said “On day 130 at 8600 seconds, a nuclear device with a yield of twenty megatons was initiated on Blackwood’s surface. Since the only objects being sent to Blackwood’s surface in the relevant timespan are organisms for the tournament and none of the capsules thus launched contained live nuclear ordnance, that meant there had to be an organism which assembled the nuclear device on site.”

There was a brief pause before Reginald pointed out “This hypothesis was confirmed by a second nuclear explosion of twenty megatons yield approximately two hundred kiloseconds after the first, but by then we had already determined that the laser falcons submitted by team Bird Strike had been sabotaged to harbor a nanoweapon without their designers’ knowledge.”

That’s when Togi interrupted with “Yep, damn fine work too if I do say so my-”

Then Bax shouted over Togi’s objections “PERMISSION TO MUTE MY CLIENT, YOUR HONOR?”

Evidently none too pleased at Togi’s antics either, Judge Merrin immediately replied “Motion granted.”

Bax immediately pressed the relevant button on the remote for Togi’s court-provided morph, and his mouth locked shut.

That episode of courtroom antics being over, the defense continued “It was at this time when the Public Safety Bureau learned that Togi’s team-mates Rat and Veronica Machinae had been hospitalized for psychological damage inflicted by deliberate gaslighting.”

Togi was reaching for the remote to un-mute himself, but Bax snatched it away at the last moment, allowing the prosecution to continue speaking.

This continued for several kiloseconds, Togi repeatedly sabotaging his own laywer’s attempts to defend him while handing the prosecution ever more evidence to use against him whenever he could get a grip on his remote to let himself talk.

Still, after a while things reached a point where Bax couldn’t take it anymore. He’d put the remote in his chest pocket to keep it away from Togi, but he apparently considered that a challenge.

As such, the instant Bax was distracted, Togi reached for Bax’s pocket to try and make a grab for the remote.

This was the last straw, as Bax shouted “Your honor, I would like to press sexual harassment charges against Togi Sorresh!”

Judge Merrim took one look at the situation and asked “You are no longer going to represent Mr. Sorresh in this case?”

Practically crying, Bax called out “I’m invoking the Impossible Client Act, please get me out of here!”

Nodding, Judge Merrim replied “In that case, I am calling a recess to allow for a replacement lawyer. Mr. Govo, you can go now.”

Immediately, Bax made his way to the exit of the courtroom.

Predictably, Togi unmuted himself in the intermission and immediately started running his mouth about all sorts of “amazing” things he’d done before the trial. The prosecution was of course taking careful notes as was Judge Merrim.

There were still a couple minutes before the new lawyer arrived when Reginald noted “Your honor, we request to add perjury to the list of official charges.”

Judge Merrim nodded in agreement as she noted “You may present your case when the trial resumes.”

A bit later a new lawyer arrived, ready to take over Togi’s defense. A kilosecond later they announced an intent to press charges, invoked the Impossible Client Act, and left to commiserate with Bax out in the courthouse’s lobby.

Togi had a smug grin on his face as he sent another lawyer off in a huff, thinking he’d found a loophole that would let him stall out the trial for as long as he wanted.

It was a similar story for the third lawyer, then the fourth. They arrived, made an honest effort to represent Togi, and then he harassed them into pressing charges and leaving.

That’s when Judge Merrim noted “Togi Sorresh. You have gone through four lawyers in less than a day. By the terms of the Impossible Client Act, you are entitled to no more of them. Since you have already proven incapable of representing yourself without simply incriminating yourself further, I am ending this farce now.”

“I hereby find the defendant guilty on five counts of psychological assault, one count sabotage, one count deploying a nuclear weapon, two counts sexual harassment, one count pickpocketing, one count attempted murder, and seventeen counts of perjury. I sentence him to forcible reformatting into a decent person, to be affected at the soonest possible date.”

There was a brief moment of Togi dashing towards the judge’s podium, probably to try attacking her. Then the overrides in his court-provided morph activated and he instead started walking off towards the Mindcast bay.

Anyway, it wasn’t visible any way aside from the mind state logs once he was uploaded for reformatting, but he was having a major panic attack all the way there. Every last deflection and manipulative tactic had completely and utterly failed, and now he was being marched off to complete and utter obliteration as a person.

That’s about when I interrupted Hazel’s story to ask “Wait, how do you know all this stuff? His arrest and the trial were plausibly public record with a little bit of artistic license here and there, but his internal thoughts as he was being marched off for reformatting? What?”

To this Hazel cheerfully replied “I guessed!”

There was a brief pause before she admitted “More seriously I got the details from an investigative journalist who’s a friend of mine.”

Queen looked a bit askance at this before asking “And where did they get it?”

Hazel shrugged with a few dozen tentacles as she answered “I mean ultimately either someone got the dirt from the people doing the reformatting or it’s an unfounded rumor that sounds neat. Personally I prefer the world in which it was for real.”

Wesseck tilted their head a bit as they replied “Yeah, it does have a nice dramatic flare to it that the other option doesn’t. Everything else was definitely true though?”

Hazel perked up a bit as she replied “Mostly. I will admit to embellishing all the legal protocol stuff a bit for streamlining, but all in all it was generally pretty accurate.”

After a bit of thought I replied “Well, it’s nice to know why we’re getting the Platinum Egg now at least. Especially since Queen was being a troll and refusing to tell us.”

At that, my draconic friend chuckled and replied “You know I’d honestly forgotten whether you even asked me or not, but it seemed like such a fun idea to retroactively claim that’s what I was doing. Besides, you could have looked it up at any time.”

We were all still laughing at our own expense when an announcement came to our phones telling us to get to the stage.

Really quickly I asked Hazel “Do I look alright? Please tell me I look alright.”

Hazel just chuckled and replied “You three are the most famous team on Bark right now, what you’re wearing will define fashion for everyone else, not the other way around. Now get out there and knock ‘em dead!”

Right, no pressure. We’re only setting a massive example for everyone around us to follow in terms of fashion.

Pushing down my stage fright, I turned towards the projected curtain separating me from the audience of the award ceremony and walked forwards. After a few steps I emerged into the lights and noise, immediately feeling the urge to flee. But no, I’d come much too far to back down now. I’d earned that platinum egg fair and square with my teammates, and I wasn’t going to let something so minor as stage fright ruin it now.

---

This is the free edition of The Blackwood Tourney. It is entirely pre-written, and will have one chapter released each week on Saturday. 
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