|Morning of March 2nd – 1249 – Karakorum – Batu|
I can't believe it happened.
Even if not definitively, I am the new Grand Khan of Mongolia!
This is what I have always dreamed of, always what I have desired.
I have scorched the earth of the whole world just to obtain these titles, this power... Yet, all my enthusiasm fades away and gives way to tension every time I think that I am missing that little step more before finishing the staircase.
The Kuriltai is over, the elders have left, and everyone has left.
The only one left sitting in the stands was Victoria, who looked at me as if I were a stranger.
How can I blame her? I am still on this stage, standing and reflecting even though everyone else has left.
I stepped down from the stage and approached her.
She stood up and did the same.
She asked in her usual condescending tone:<<So? You were up there, spoke for only a few minutes, blew some horns for what? Can you finally tell me what is happening?>>
I hugged her, and held her tight, holding back the tears of joy within me.
I whispered:<<I am one step away from achieving the dream of my life. One step away from being the new Khan of Mongolia.>>
Once she heard the news, she remained silent and reciprocated my embrace.
<<This, Batu, is very important news. Why didn't you tell me earlier? Soon you could be the King... no, the father of all Mongols. An example to follow, this is what you have given your life for, your enormous goal. Why didn't you share it with me?>>
<<Because I wasn't sure of receiving this honour. Besides, everything happened very quickly. Usually, the Kuriltai is much longer and more elaborate. Perhaps, despite my actions, I am still not welcome here. That said, let's go to our tent; I want you all to myself.>>
<<Alright, I can say you deserve a bit of me.>>
Later, once inside the tent, we consummated the longest sexual encounter of my life. We spent from morning until evening doing nothing but making love.
As rough and violent as I was in those moments, Victoria endured and became even more excited in turn.
This fuck will be unforgettable.
If I had a child in nine months, I wouldn't be surprised. It would be just another milestone I would achieve before definitively becoming Khan. I can say with certainty that today is my life's best day.
|Morning of March 3th – 1249 – Karakorum – Batu|
Today, I feel great, like never before in my life.
I am excited, and looking forward to heading towards Jerusalem.
However, an army doesn't march on its own.
I have to convince the people to follow their new khan.
I summoned all the messengers to my tent and sent them to every corner of the kingdom, indicating the path I would take so that everyone would join my army during the march.
Then I gathered all the warriors of Karakorum in the place where the kuriltai took place so that I could give an encouraging speech to all of them.
I was once again behind the stands when, this time, I had my sweet Victoria to encourage me.
She said:<<You can do it, like the kuriltai yesterday, this is just another small trial to overcome to be the Grand Khan. Besides, you used to inspire the troops of the Golden Horde with your speeches. Just give one of those.>>
I hugged and kissed her before stepping onto the stage.
Then I moved forward and ascended.
I saw in front of me an endless number of people, all gathered because of me, waiting for something.
The moment had come: <<Brothers! I am Batu Khan, the commander of the famous and unique Golden Horde! Since yesterday, as you already know, I have become the provisional Grand Khan! To become the khan of Khans, the council has assigned me a mission: TO DESTROY AND CONQUER JERUSALEM! A city located in the deepest Middle East, a city very distant and far away! Distant and far away, like the borders of our Empire! The Empire of Genghis! The vastest empire on the face of the earth! I have been to the ends of the world! My Golden Horde and I have found ourselves in the remotest corners of the earth to fulfil the will of Genghis! Brothers! Today, I, Batu Khan, am here to ask for your help, your arms, weapons, and horses! I ask for your help to bring down this last city in that place where not even the blue sky spends, but that, after our passage, even our enemies will see! I ask for your help, as my predecessors did, to go to that place forgotten by all to make even that corner of the earth Mongol territory! BROTHERS, FOR GLORY, FOR FAITH, FOR THE WILL OF THE GREAT BLUE SKY!!>>"
I shouted all this as loudly as I could to make myself heard by everyone.
After two seconds of silence, the crowd responded to my call.
It seemed pleased. It seemed euphoric.
Everyone was shouting something, some even howling like wolves.
After a few minutes of chaos, everyone synchronized into a classic Mongolian cheer.
I shouted again:<<Follow me then! Follow me to the ends of the world!>>
At that point, the crowd went wild on its own. With a smile, I felt inside me that I had done something important.
Then someone took my hand; it was Victoria who, hearing the commotion, had climbed onto the stage, standing with me in this grand moment.
|Evening of June 10 – 1249 – Tengri Mountains – Present-day Kazakhstan – Batu|
Two weeks after my speech, preparations for departure were complete.
All the warriors of Karakorum, thousands of people, began the long journey with me to reach Jerusalem.
At this moment, we are about three months into the journey, and we have arrived at the Tengri Mountains, sacred mountains in our culture.
At these altitudes, there is snow, so even though it's June, here we are, observing its total beauty and magnificence.
I was looking at the mountains when Victoria approached, dressed warmly.
She said:<<Jerusalem then...>>
<<Love, I realized something now that I'm one step away from being the Grand Khan. I realized that I know nothing about the world out there. Please tell me what you know about Jerusalem.>>
She stayed silent for a few seconds, then began speaking again:<<Jerusalem, the city where the life of the Son of God, Jesus, unfolds. Prophesied by the stars and born in Bethlehem, Jesus brought his faith to Jerusalem, then part of the Roman Empire. The imperial procurator of Judea, Pontius Pilate, feared that this new faith brought by Jesus could threaten his power. So, after a sham trial, he crucified Jesus and had him pierced with lances. Later, they wrapped him in a linen cloth and placed him in a cave. A few days later, his most faithful followers and his parents went to check, but Jesus was no longer there. He had risen. This is to tell you that Jerusalem is not just any city. It is considered a sacred city for both Christians and Muslims who have been contending for years for dominion over the city. Imagine that Jerusalem is a sacred place, just like these fantastic mountains are for you and your people.>>"
<<If I'm not mistaken, Jerusalem is also an important city for you Orthodox, how does it make you feel that soon that city could be under Mongol rule? Does it not make you feel anything?>>
<<Of course, it doesn't make me feel comfortable, but I also know that this is something you must do to realize your dream. In any case, I have no decision-making power, so I will simply follow you wherever you go. But I'll be honest; I have a bad feeling.>>
I held her close:<<Me too, but now it's too late to turn back.>>
So.... it was an interesting read. Interesting enough to read from beginning to end in binge fashion. Please keep that in mind while receiving the rest of this post - which will all be critique.
I'm not sure what the person playing a video game angle is bringing to the story that straight up isekai wouldn't do better. Research opportunities? The problem is that it reduces the illusion of danger provided by any obstacle the protag may face, because he won't *actually* be injured or lose his life, it's only a game after all. To make matters worse, despite giving the protag a pretty awful childhood, you haven't really made this "so hard it's not even on the list" mode very believable. In fact, after killing the parents, it seems the protagonist has led a pretty charmed life.
Let me support that assertion with some specifics -> First off he's unbelievably good at killing people, you could have leveraged a real world angle to explain this, but you wrote his real world person as a milquetoast youth. To be fair, that is a relatable identity which is good for a protag, but the groundwork you laid for him in attaining maximum martial power is weak at best.
Next, the opportunities for personal gain unopposed and with "suddenly gryphon" origins, abound. Beat a bunch of thugs, get a bunch of obedient and strangely loyal thug minions, escort a caravan, get an introduction to be trained as a knight by ... the most important knight in the empire... win a duel, be knighted. By the emperor. Make some reasonably good strategic suggestions to the emperor, be put in charge of the entire army. Win the war, be given a kingship. I don't even want to keep going. They don't make games with plots that are this easy on the protag.
So as a result of this, the video game angle not only creates a strange lack of tension, but it's not very believable, and the occasional references to the extreme difficulty are basically offensive.
I think when you are done, you should seriously consider a revision that removes this aspect.
First of all, thanks for the sensible criticism.
After I read your review, I thought about it and concluded that much of what you say is true. That is because I have not created a situation of extreme difficulty (due to the "hard mode" in which he plays) or that it is not continuous or visible. But from that point of view, I would say that I could have him try to poison him (Attila) once a day, that after sexual intercourse he has a sexually transmitted disease, that he dies of malaria etc. BUT, creating a situation of perpetual danger for the protagonist (which exists, but has not transformed into a hysteria of being betrayed, poisoned, etc.) in the long run would have been an unsustainable situation (both for the protagonist and for me who have to invent every plot of the scene or those kinds of situations). So I tried to shift the "hard mode" to the fact that he now has to face the Mongols immediately after being the king of Jerusalem (for example) or that he was forced by a storm to remain in Cyprus or that he already had to command an army (not the whole one, a part of it) to demonstrate his skills.
I will do a review (in terms of events and events) of the past chapters (but I will do it after the volume dedicated to the Mongols). Furthermore, from this onwards, I will try to create other difficult situations (but at the same time sensible and realistic, which will not seem "forced").
So I won't remove the aspect of difficulty but I will try to accentuate it (and if necessary, also to rewrite some previous chapters well)
Thank you very much for the review (which is always appreciated) and for your point of view which made me realize this problem (which, if not resolved, could be annoying in the long run).