“Ah, Sun Quan ah, don’t get angry, these are the sons of Xian-Nu’s peak lord,” explained Sun Wu in a pacifying tone, trying to calm his disciple down. “To them, everyone of high ranking is a Madam. As you are the eldest disciple of this peak, your rank is considered very high. ‘Madam’ means a person of very high rank there!”

This was somewhat true. Men were pretty much considered of lower rank in Xian-Nu Peak – this included the twins who were not even considered outer disciples despite being sons of the peak lord there. To A-Ye and A-Yang, Sun Quan had an air like the madam of the house, so he must automatically be of high rank!

In addition to that, Sun Quan also had a sour temper and looked frazzled and busy, which likely meant his rank was higher. Most high-ranking Madams in Xian-Nu Peak had the temper of a mother hen – the higher their rank, the more hen-like they were and the harder they pecked. As Sun Quan’s temper out-mother-henned more than three quarters of Xian-Nu Peak, if he ever went there to visit, even as a man, most of the core disciples there would spontaneously bow to him out of fear of his aura!

They would never be able to help it!

Sun Quan huffed and puffed his cheeks out, but blew his breath out and let the matter drop. “Anyway, the food is ready. Come in, you two.”

Then he eyed the two little boys who were looking up at him hopefully as they smelled the food from outside.

“……” Sun Quan opened his mouth. “The two of you too, come in.”

The twins gave a whoop of delight and rushed in, seating themselves around the table without being invited. Without a word, Sun Quan plopped two large bowls of rice in front of them. The little boys picked up the bowls and the chopsticks, their eyes shining as they looked at the delicious spread before them.

Sun Wu’s guess was somewhat wrong because there was meat on the table. Sun Quan had, after his disciple brother left the kitchen, taken out a hunk of pork to slice and sautéed it with some herbs and black sauce. It glistened on the plate and made their mouths water.

“Not herbal chicken, but good,” Sun Ying nodded in approval. His heroic, manly and chiselled face prompted the twins to agree with him on the spot.

“Good meat, good meat!” they chimed happily. Meat was the food of men!

When they were done eating, they rushed outside to work again. They couldn’t let the fox do whatever it wanted! Soon the fence was mended, and A-Ye and A-Yang hung around until sunset before going home.

The next morning, Sun Quan opened the window to his kitchen and was greeted by the sight of two little boys and a fox.

“You two are here again,” remarked Sun Quan in surprise.

“Da-Niang, we caught the fox!”

Sun Quan nearly fell over.

“Who are you calling Da-Niang!?” he shouted, raising a ladle. But the little boys stared at him, puzzled.

“Are you not the eldest disciple of the peak?” asked A-Ye.

“Yes, I am.”

“Are you not of high rank in this peak?” asked A-Yang.

“Hmm, well, I am the eldest disciple, so…”

“Then how come you’re not Da-Niang?” asked the two in unison, furrowing their brows.

Sun Quan sighed. “Look, over here, it’s Da-Shixiong, okay?” he said, placing his hands on his hips like a mother admonishing and teaching her children. “Don’t call me Da-Niang.”

The children shook their heads stubbornly. “No, you’re a better cook than our Big Missy. She can’t cook meat so well. Therefore, you are Da-Niang.”

“More ability!” said A-Ye.

“More style!” said A-Yang.

“MORE NIANG!” they pumped their fists enthusiastically.

Sun Quan opened his mouth to speak, but before he could say anything, a head full of red hair walked by. Sun Ying turned his heroic, handsome face to greet his eldest disciple brother.

“Good morning, Da-Niang.”

~*~

“Ehhhh,” Sun Wu drew a long breath. “Isn’t that just looking for death?”

News had come to his ears that Sun Ying had offended his eldest martial brother. Today, Sun Quan didn’t put out any pork or even any lamb! It was all too bad. The twins had gone home crying because there was no food for men, even though they had caught the fox already.

“It has been a few weeks since I’ve had herbal chicken,” explained Sun Ying. In these few gloomy words Sun Wu immediately understood that his second disciple’s brain had short-circuited due to lack of herbal chicken and therefore had acted recklessly. He patted the youth’s back and sighed.

“Look, tomorrow I’m going to visit Old Xin,” said Sun Wu. “He owes me a favour. I’ll ask him for a chicken so we can have herbal chicken again without waiting for our chickens to grow. What do you think?”

Sun Ying looked up and a light came to his gallant eyes. He nodded and cupped his fist to his master.

“This disciple is depending on you, Shifu.”

“Your shifu will not let you down,” Sun Wu cupped his fist back.

The next day, Sun Wu returned with a live chicken, fully matured, fat and plump. He brought it in front of Sun Quan who was in the kitchen washing vegetables, smiling both sheepishly and beseechingly at his eldest disciple.

“Sun Quan ah, Quan Quan ah, I’ve brought a chicken,” began Sun Wu in a cajoling voice. Behind him, three heads, one a youth and two children, poked out to watch in anticipation. Sun Quan ignored them.

“What do you want?” he asked, side-eying his master and briskly putting some chopped vegetables away.

“Sun Quan ah, do you think you can make some herbal chicken today?” asked Sun Wu imploringly, a hopeful look coming to his eyes.

Sun Quan took the chicken and smiled a smile that wasn’t a smile.

“If it’s the herbs, there’s too little to make anything with them today,” replied the disciple, putting the bird away. “I don’t know if you know, but the talismans keeping the herb garden safe have weathered off and stopped working a week or two ago. Some butterflies have gotten in to lay eggs and their caterpillars have grown and eaten quite a bit of the more mature herbs. There are some herbs left, but they’re still too young to harvest. If you have time to complain, go and do something about it.”

When they heard this, the brows of four people went up to their hairlines and they raced outside in a hurry. There, true enough, was a garden full of destroyed herbs and fat caterpillars still chewing on what’s left!

“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!” roared the four people, one man, one youth and two children, simultaneously, falling to their knees and raising their fists to the sky. F*CKING CATERPILLARS AH F*CK YOUR BUTTERFLY MOTHERS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!